Backstory: I have been with my partner for 8 years, we have one 5 year old child together and have had a very happy relationship. Like all couples, we have had minor issues but they have been about things like lack of communication etc, nothing too testing. We have had friends describe us as a “perfect little family” and my partner is described by everyone as all things good.
Two weeks ago, I decided to have a little snoop through his phone. I really did trust him, I just had this intuition that night to have a look while he was asleep. I noticed a new app was downloaded. It was yahoo mail, so obviously I clicked it.
There were tons of receipts for a webcam website, so I confronted him and he admitted to it instantly. He was very apologetic and said that it started one night because he got a bit bored of porn when I was out one time and saw an ad for the website so clicked it. He signed up and tried it out of curiosity which led to him having a huge addiction. He also admitted to having subscribed to a couple of people on onlyfans.
The worst part is, this addiction started in January 2018, and he has been doing it consistently since. That’s 6 years of our 8 year relationship. Our sex life has always been good, and he agrees too, he said it was never something that I wasn’t giving him. He just became addicted and would go through the guilt and regret every time but couldn’t stop.
Looking at the bank statements, I would guess he’s probably spent anywhere from 5-10k on this over the 6 years. A lot of that has been put onto a credit card that I thought he paid off and got rid off years ago.
He had times in those years where he felt so awful he debated ending his life, he said he always had guilt and it was eating him alive but couldn’t tell me as he knew it would hurt me.
How do I even deal with this? I’m so hurt, confused and blindsided, but I also know that addiction becomes not a choice and it takes a lot of professional help to overcome. Do I take into consideration it was an addiction?
He has said that now the secret is out, as much as it’s caused a lot of pain, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer is struggling with this alone. He wants to make this work, and has offered counseling for addiction and as a couple, he said he’s happy to go through all the steps needed to build trust, he’s happy to spend a long time not having a normal relationship while we rebuild. He even has suggested for my own peace of mind to have full control of all finances, child lock his phone etc (he said he doesn’t need that to stop, as his addiction has now become a painful reality and he thinks the websites are poison for how they affect the human brain), but he is trying to suggest things that would make me feel better.
In those 6 years, he continuously made me feel good about myself, he put in effort to our relationship etc. he said he never chose that over me, it would be when I was out, not in the mood or asleep and before he went to work.
Just to add, he never had favorites. He would watch different people all the time and only ever watch one person a couple of times before never watching them again. He never had his own camera on, so they never saw him and he said he would literally turn it all off straight after and aside from feel the guilt and regret, he would never sit and think about it further. He said it was the same thing to him, as when you watch porn (although he knows it’s different and is empathetic about that).
He has now been very open and honest with me, even when some of the details are painful to hear. He has also been very honest with friends and family about it now too, and has shown a lot of remorse for what he has done not only to me but to everyone else.
Any thoughts on how I should deal with this? I feel so betrayed but addiction is a really difficult one to deal with.
i honestly think you need to though, just for your mental clarity. you deserve so much better than this. unless he really recognises the issue in himself, he will never change and will continue this behaviour until his d*ck stops working.
