Micro Cheating / Cyber Cheating / Corn Addition

[Unknown345]

It is understandable how you feel.

But is there no way you could get a break, even if it is just for the weekend?
How can you sort out your thoughts and feelings if you have no space?
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Why did you look at his phone?
What would have happened if you would not have looked at his phone?

I actually couldn’t tell you why I looked. We have always been on each others phones, not to snoop, but just over the years using each others phones for things. We never had any issue with things being hidden (from what I knew at the time). I was actually on his phone a lot around this time as I was emailing a company from his email address (with his knowledge). When I snooped I just had an intuition to look at his apps, I can’t even really say I was looking for anything just being a bit nosey. That’s why I realized the yahoo email app as he never used yahoo and I had been using the IPhone email app to respond to the company, so knew straight away it was odd.

I even trusted him so much that at first I thought it was those silly spam emails we all get sometimes, but I recognized the last 4 digits of a card number on the receipt that made me think… oh maybe this is real

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

It's really really complicated. Because they haven't actually physically cheated (yet!), it will make you doubt yourself. I think for me, unless the person really really showed that they were willing to change their ways fully, had full transparency in absolutely everything they did, with their phone, life, bank accounts etc. I couldn't stay and would be looking at ways to get out, however long it took me.

It sounds simple and straightforward on paper how you should deal with it, but it really does suck the life and essence out of you.

People laugh and call others vanilla for not wanting their man to watch porn, and only fans and soft porn is so socially acceptable these days, you're made to feel stupid for not accepting the perving and lack of self control.

I understand is more complicated than watching corn, it is more the kind of corn they chose (seems more personal, not so anonymous) and the frequency, but most importantly them hiding it and essentially leading a double life.

But I can honestly say that I would not want to be in a relationship in which I wanted to check their phones or have full transparncy into their life.
How can this be a good relationship? I honestly do not understand it.

 

[ChubClubThug]

I understand is more complicated than watching corn, it is more the kind of corn they chose (seems more personal, not so anonymous) and the frequency, but most importantly them hiding it and essentially leading a double life.

But I can honestly say that I would not want to be in a relationship in which I wanted to check their phones or have full transparncy into their life.
How can this be a good relationship? I honestly do not understand it.

I agree it's definitely not a good relationship. I think that in time the checking of phones etc. Could stop once trust was regained, but some like yourself wouldn't tolerate it at and would be seeking to leave if they could

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I actually couldn’t tell you why I looked. We have always been on each others phones, not to snoop, but just over the years using each others phones for things. We never had any issue with things being hidden (from what I knew at the time). I was actually on his phone a lot around this time as I was emailing a company from his email address (with his knowledge). When I snooped I just had an intuition to look at his apps, I can’t even really say I was looking for anything just being a bit nosey. That’s why I realized the yahoo email app as he never used yahoo and I had been using the IPhone email app to respond to the company, so knew straight away it was odd.

I even trusted him so much that at first I thought it was those silly spam emails we all get sometimes, but I recognized the last 4 digits of a card number on the receipt that made me think… oh maybe this is real

Oh wow, so you found out kind of accidentially. You were not even suspicious, it hit you completely out of the blue.

You must feel so betrayed. If you could get your hands on a therapist then I would.

I think you need space and support. And focus less on him and more on you. If you can, stop sleeping with him.
This would be my advice.

 

[Unknown345]

It's really really complicated. Because they haven't actually physically cheated (yet!), it will make you doubt yourself. I think for me, unless the person really really showed that they were willing to change their ways fully, had full transparency in absolutely everything they did, with their phone, life, bank accounts etc. I couldn't stay and would be looking at ways to get out, however long it took me.

It sounds simple and straightforward on paper how you should deal with it, but it really does suck the life and essence out of you.

People laugh and call others vanilla for not wanting their man to watch porn, and only fans and soft porn is so socially acceptable these days, you're made to feel stupid for not accepting the perving and lack of self control.

Yes exactly, I actually knew that he watched porn on occasions… as did I time to time and although it wasn’t my favorite thought, I wasn’t that bothered by it honestly. This is different though. This is live, way more personal and paid for. He understands how it is cheating, but maintains that although he took it to this horrendous extent, he would never cheat in person - he saw it as porn, but knew it was wrong of course.

I do want to believe that he would never cheat in person, but of course I didn’t think he would do this either so who knows at this point.
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Oh wow, so you found out kind of accidentially. You were not even suspicious, it hit you completely out of the blue.

You must feel so betrayed. If you could get your hands on a therapist then I would.

I think you need space and support. And focus less on him and more on you. If you can, stop sleeping with him.
This would be my advice.

Yep! My whole life came crashing down in a split moment. It’s a lot to process!

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

This is exactly how difficult it is. You really do pour a huge amount of love into a person over 8 years. I thought he was different, loyal. I am still finding it hard to look at him and see the things he has done because it’s the same person I loved looking back at me and it doesn’t even feel real. Especially as it’s been 6 years, in those years we welcomed a child, have had so many amazing memories and had a very happy relationship…. I now know this was happening but how can I process what happened when I was so happy for those years?

We all have our secrets and our bad habits. Granted, most of us, especially women, aren’t partaking in what your partner is but nobody is perfect. Life is difficult and sometimes it makes us do silly things which can lead to addiction. I don’t think you can discount your happy times from his mistakes. I’m very understanding and forgiving of that type of behaviour because I’ve worked with worse levels of it in a professional sense so know that people can get better and stop doing it, although it’s not an easy road. The only ones who don’t are the ones who don’t acknowledge their problem, don’t communicate and don’t seek support.

Whilst there is no right or wrong answer in staying or leaving, the best thing any woman can do is always make sure you will be okay if things don’t work out, have a running away fund so to speak and never put all of your eggs in one basket. Men can be so fickle whereas most women are committed and loyal to the core, we must protect ourselves.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Yes exactly, I actually knew that he watched porn on occasions… as did I time to time and although it wasn’t my favorite thought, I wasn’t that bothered by it honestly. This is different though. This is live, way more personal and paid for. He understands how it is cheating, but maintains that although he took it to this horrendous extent, he would never cheat in person - he saw it as porn, but knew it was wrong of course.

I do want to believe that he would never cheat in person, but of course I didn’t think he would do this either so who knows at this point.
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Yep! My whole life came crashing down in a split moment. It’s a lot to process!

I was in a similar situation, a seemingly good and strong relationship ended abruptly (not because of cheating or corn or anything like that), he had decided to accept a job abroad without discussing it with me (leaving me on my own with the whole mortgage and all other obligations - i found this unacceptable and ended it), and I wish I would have focused less on him and more on me and had gotten a proper therapist whilst dealing with it.

I also felt betrayed in a way, was surprised by his selfish action and it took me a good couple of years to get over it. It was very painful, I remember it well.

So i can relate to you, but also know you can get through it, but you need to focus on yourself and you need space.

 

[Unknown345]

I was in a similar situation, a seemingly good and strong relationship ended abruptly (not because of cheating or corn or anything like that), he had decided to accept a job abroad without discussing it with me (leaving me on my own with the whole mortgage and all other obligations - i found this unacceptable and ended it), and I wish I would have focused less on him and more on me and had gotten a proper therapist.

I have an introductory call with a therapist on Friday morning,my doctors have also put me in touch with the community talking therapy team as I have not been eating very much at all for the last 2 weeks. No appetite as my mind is so full of other thoughts that food isn’t even something I remember I need! I’m having good and bad moments currently. Each day my mind goes from “we can TRY to move forward with this, with professional help” to “I can’t do this”. Constantly back and forth with it!
sorry to hear about your situation too, that sucks just as much! Bad things always happen to good people
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Another to add: he has given me access to the emails, webcam log in and only fans log in. I have all the evidence, bank statements etc. I can see that he never messaged any of them outside of the webcam sessions. They would spam message him (as they all do to get you to jump onto their live), he never replied or anything like that. He paid the bare minimum for the minutes, only ever private which is where there is multiple people in the chat at one time, never paid for exclusive sessions with just them. He also never sent any other money to them.

Ultimately, to them, he was a huge cheapskate and would never have caught there attention because he was never a big spender and probably didn’t make much difference to their earning in the slightest. He would only pay for like 3-6 minutes a time, and said he would start himself off before paying so he didn’t have to pay for too long.

 

[no-no]

How would you know he hadn’t deleted his replies? He’s still maxed out cards with his ‘cheapskate’ ways.

Sorry you’re having to go through it but skimming over your posts, it really stinks. They seem to follow the same script. He’s showing all the usual signs of being backed in a corner and promising to change. Rinse and repeat. What are the men like in his family?

Not to add another thing to your worry list but I was shocked to find there are pros on Twitter who sleep with men for free. Gross but they don’t even have to pay for it these days.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I have an introductory call with a therapist on Friday morning,my doctors have also put me in touch with the community talking therapy team as I have not been eating very much at all for the last 2 weeks. No appetite as my mind is so full of other thoughts that food isn’t even something I remember I need! I’m having good and bad moments currently. Each day my mind goes from “we can TRY to move forward with this, with professional help” to “I can’t do this”. Constantly back and forth with it!
sorry to hear about your situation too, that sucks just as much! Bad things always happen to good people
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Another to add: he has given me access to the emails, webcam log in and only fans log in. I have all the evidence, bank statements etc. I can see that he never messaged any of them outside of the webcam sessions. They would spam message him (as they all do to get you to jump onto their live), he never replied or anything like that. He paid the bare minimum for the minutes, only ever private which is where there is multiple people in the chat at one time, never paid for exclusive sessions with just them. He also never sent any other money to them.

Ultimately, to them, he was a huge cheapskate and would never have caught there attention because he was never a big spender and probably didn’t make much difference to their earning in the slightest. He would only pay for like 3-6 minutes a time, and said he would start himself off before paying so he didn’t have to pay for too long.

You know, my ex was still being shady and dishonest with financials for years, until I fully entangled myself from him. He cost me so much money!
Now I am very much like "if someone shows you who they are believe them." I think I had to learn it the hard way.

Your appetite will come back. You need to give yourself more time.

Maybe a form of group therapy could also be helpful in your situation.

You are still too focused on him (which is normal I guess), but try to focus on you and what you want.

 

[katyazamo]

This thread brings back some tough memories. I had a partner for around 4 years with a porn addiction and I've since moved on but the scars are still there.

I never went snooping, in fact I had no reason to not trust him. I remember so vividly he gave me his laptop to search for something while he went to the loo, and a cam/porn site popped up. It started with the same few letters as what I was searching for (good one, auto complete). It all blew up immediately. Then it somehow got worse from there. A particular low point was discovering intimate photos of his best friends ex girlfriend on his laptop, there were maybe only three or four but I have absolutely no idea how he had them. Strangely they weren't even "porn" as such, but were low quality photos of her in a bra/half undressed. They were very old too judging by the camera quality.

Actually, one time we were in the car and he connected his phone to play music. The car just has a text display when you connect to bluetooth. Anyway it somehow pulled up whatever his phone was currently playing and it wasn't Spotify, it was something from bleeping only fans. You couldn't make it up.

It ate me alive in the end. I had constant anxiety which had knock on effects, physically (regularly had nausea and would throw up, my stomach was always upset, palpitations etc) and even when things seemed to be OK, I was a wreck. I couldn't shake it.

No advice other than you have to do what's right for you. It IS possible for men to get past a porn addiction but it's very hard work and unfortunately, my ex didn't want to commit to it. It's also very hard to be the partner of an addict. It's so easy to say just leave - in reality it isn't that simple.

 

[Unknown345]

How would you know he hadn’t deleted his replies? He’s still maxed out cards with his ‘cheapskate’ ways.

Sorry you’re having to go through it but skimming over your posts, it really stinks. They seem to follow the same script. He’s showing all the usual signs of being backed in a corner and promising to change. Rinse and repeat. What are the men like in his family?

Not to add another thing to your worry list but I was shocked to find there are pros on Twitter who sleep with men for free. Gross but they don’t even have to pay for it these days.

Nothing was deleted on the account, I checked and there wasn’t an option to delete messages. He also didn’t delete any of the receipts on the email either so he was quite content with the extent of hiding he had gone too and wasn’t really trying too hard other than one deleted app! It was only there because he had to verify his account so redownloaded it and then forgot to remove it again. Rookie error on his part that was!

One thing we have never been through as a couple is him promising not to do something and not sticking to it, purely because we never had a reason to go through that before. I have very little trust in him right now, of course, so I am absolutely keeping in mind that this could all be empty promises! I think this would have to be part of my processing if I decided to give it one last shot, I would have to be fully aware that this could crop up again and tbh, I’m not sure at this point if that’s what I want. I’m still very much in decision making mode and it’s really not as easy as it sounds. I’ve always been theperson that wouldn’t tolerate tit, but this has blindsided and shocked me so much that I genuinely feel stuck on what to do!

The men in his family are great though I will say. His friends too. Everyone is shocked by this and disappointed in him. Not one person has condoned his actions in the slightest. If you were to meet him, I think you would be shocked too, he’s a very pleasant polite person away from this. Well respected as a hard worker in his industry etc. This isn’t to make you think differently of him, but just to put into perspective that it’s not always the people you think would act like this. It’s clearly very often “good people” in everyday life. It’s definitely opened my eyes that’s for sure!

 

[no-no]

One thing we have never been through as a couple is him promising not to do something and not sticking to it, purely because we never had a reason to go through that before. I have very little trust in him right now, of course, so I am absolutely keeping in mind that this could all be empty promises! I think this would have to be part of my processing if I decided to give it one last shot, I would have to be fully aware that this could crop up again and tbh, I’m not sure at this point if that’s what I want. I’m still very much in decision making mode and it’s really not as easy as it sounds. I’ve always been theperson that wouldn’t tolerate tit, but this has blindsided and shocked me so much that I genuinely feel stuck on what to do!

Believe me, I wouldn’t put it past any man

A lot of us have got the proverbial t-shirt and understand the lengths it takes to wrap your head around. Unfortunately, some people never find clarity and continue with a sunk cost fallacy.

In the end, what truly stings more than the betrayals is betraying yourself in the process, that can be the hardest to live with whether you remain together or not.

Take care.