- In theory, she’s loving doing ‘barely there’ make up. In real life, she has her clown face on. Then adds more lipstick. Obviously.
- She’s trying to be ‘a positive possum’. It must be that one day of the month she doesn’t have her period. She’s willing the good weather back. I’m glad you’re using your new found positivity for the greater good Lydia. If my sarcasm confuses you it’s because you’re stupid.
- All of her Aerin samples have gone. I note your followers like freebies too then. She, not once, but twice, reminds them not to forget to check her affiliate links down below for the full priced version. You know the one she gets paid to sell. Shifting well then Lydia?
- She’s dusting off her prettiest of dresses for her trip to the garden centre. The only accessory that could save that outfit is an invisibility cloak.
- She’s playing her Glóby launch ‘by ear’. She’s waiting for the warehouse to give her the go ahead. Who are you trying to bullshit Lydia? You receive 769 deliveries per day. No issues with those warehouses. Just yours then? I have been in forests less shady than her.
- Talking of forests, she’s sowing more seeds, aka ‘sproute mcgutes’. What the actual duck? Who talks like that? Well Ali won’t be sowing his seeds anytime soon that’s for sure. She’s sad Ali’s not mowing the lawn topless. He’s your husband, don’t you get to see him topless every night? No. Thought not.
- She acknowledges she doesn’t suit her natural hair. Also her boobs, eyebrows, nose. On the topic of nose, she’s having ‘a good nose day’. That’ll be because Dr Butcher has been exiled then.
- She wants to clear up confusion where her garden boundary is. She highlights the woodland area ‘is all ours’. Reading here again Lydia? If only Tattle did an aesthetically appealing coffee table book.
- She’s an exhausted slothy. Again. She highlights she did 3 flower beds today. A whole 3. Such a girl boss. It’s scary to think that people like her are actually allowed to vote.
- She didn’t have her usual wine on Friday night as she knew she was up early and wanted to look her best. She went to the garden centre. The frickin garden centre. Off is the general direction in which I wish she would duck.
- Her lisping makes me want to drop kick her. Every time she says ‘sproutling’ or ‘spruce’. Have you ever met the human version of a headache?
- Her mum is coming round for lunch. Said mum is making said lunch. Hospitality skills at the finest. Ali’s jealous of said mum’s wrist action. The nights must be really long in the bungalow.
- She thinks she’s ‘growing like her sproutlings’. No, you still shawt. Maybe try drinking some of the plant food? I got you girl.
- She’s bought a new apron. Coz one is clearly not enough. She’s going to find some more linen to stinch it in though, as she feels frumpy otherwise. I think you look frumpy most days Lydia. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.
- She doesn’t ‘even know what she’s done this week, but it’s been busy, productive, all of the good stuff’. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain the irony in this statement.
" What planet does she live on honestly? With everything thats going on in the world, this is what counts as a nightmare to her? Disappointing maybe, but that reaction was laughable.
then I remind myself, it’s Lydia, she is not the brightest candle on the birthday cake.
