And the bit about looking at a new bed but emailing the company to see if it’s sturdy - you mean trying to get it for free - you think that the company will come back and be like no love it’s flaky as tit you couldn’t even sit on it basically it’s like a waterbed
To Bed Company
I am very interested in owning one of your four poster canopy beds (note I said owning, not purchasing but we’ll come onto that later). Firstly, I have an important question, is the bed like you know sturdy? It doesn’t have to stand the test of time as it’ll be replaced with something bigger and better in 3 months. But it needs to be sturdy. Really sturdy. There can be quite a lot of late night bedtime antics you see. Not marital sexy time, don’t be silly, my husband put a stop to that a long time ago. My bengal cat, the alive one, Lumi often brings me rats in the middle of the night. She’s such a little poppet bringing me gifts. It’s the most excitement I’ve had in ages. Well with the exception of gifted deliveries to the manor of course.
Anyway I digress, I do this all the time, I’m such a silly little sausage. I’m sure you obviously already know who I am. I am the best influencer, not only in Buckinghamshire but probably the whole of the UK, just look at my stats, stats don’t lie, just don’t look at tattle though. I am also a bougie boss
witch. Everyone keeps saying how well I’m doing during this pandemic, I’m the top of my game. I’m living the dream. Even my husband says how proud he is of my amazing progress. I need constant validation you see because I’m a delicate little flower. I don’t really like talking about myself if you hadn’t noticed, but with that said I would like to propose a deal. How about you give me the bed for free and I’ll advertise the crap out of it to my followers? I have 57 Instagram accounts so lots of followers. I’m trying to swap some of these accounts at the moment but the Instagram boss is saying no, it’s fraud or something, but what does he know, he’s just a troll, I’m going to block him for sure after all this gets sorted. Not everyone can be a bougie boss
witch like me. Anyway followers equal pounds signs did you know. They’re so gullible too, sometimes I hide the AD sign and sometimes I don’t even declare it haha. Think of all the sales, you’ll be a rich man, every one needs a bed, well maybe not paupers but as they aspire to be me I’m sure I can flog them one, maybe even two. I’ll ask my husband to promote the bed too. He’s an influencer also, not as popular or creative as me though. At a price of course. As mentioned before, he won’t sleep in the bed, but sometimes in the morning just as I’m about to vlog he sneaks in. We’ve so good at fooling our followers that we have a happy married life. They’re such dimwits.
Anyway I’m looking forward to hearing from you but more so to receiving the bed. I don’t mind if you throw in any extras also. I’m nice like that. Just to note we have two guest suites we’re currently redecorating too. They need beds also *wink wink*.
Yours Sincerely
Lady of the Manor, CEO, Business Owner, Lydia Elise Millen
Dear Lydia Elise Millen, Husband, Lumi and Rats
This is the third draft response I’ve attempted whilst trying to emit profanities. I’ve come to the conclusion that this must be a prank? Pauly D is that you? If not, are you
bleeping for real? We’re in the middle of a global pandemic for Christ’s sake. Our sales have plummeted because people are losing their jobs and income or dying so you know not being frivolous with their money right now. Sadly it’s a no to your proposal for now (and every other time for that matter).
Yours Sincerely
Director of Company (not a bougie boss but a real boss nonetheless)
