Loneliness / making friends

[Orange Creme]

I feel the same. We have moved around the country a lot with my husband's job and settled here about a year ago.
I'm both shy and socially awkward and usually say something stupid. To make things worse I'm not even really a people person i just miss having a close female friend

 

[BananaRama]

@slugella Like a mirror image. I moved away and now don’t see anyone. That’s what this thread is for, I’m always amazed at how many people are just like me. Just generally so lonely but no way of getting out of it.

 

[Skittles1]

I feel so disconnected to a lot of people in my life, the friends i do have i see twice or three times a year, I'm always the one that organises and I feel like they use every excuse to cancel or they only come along if it is easy for them or there is something in it for them. I always change and cancel my plans for them and make plans to suit them, and one friend is always extremely late.and just doesnt seem bothered about spending time with me.
I too often wonder if something happened to me, how long would it take others to realise.
I go to my local gym and classes but it doesn't really have the atmosphere to build friendships
I miss having that one special friend that pushes you, looks out for you and supports you and vice versa!

 

[Princesspinky]

Yes, could have wrote this myself. Since my second daughter was born I suffered from horrible pnd which has now turned into severe social anxiety. I have literally no friends apart from my husband. People assume im rude and unapproachable which couldnt be further from the truth. I just cant start/maintain conversation without my anxiety playing up. This has affected my daughters also. We dont visit mother and baby groups, the oldest doesnt see many of her friends outside of school and we spend a lot of time in the house. I wish I had friends I could meet up with for a coffee or just someone else to talk to. I wish my girls had more of a life outside of the house. I hate feeling lonely which has made my ocd terrible because I spend so much time in the house. Im expecting third baby and my sister is due a week before me. Im hoping we can go to groups/classes together and I can meet more people. I totally feel where your coming from.

I have been told I am unapproachable too it's because I pretty much do everything alone and just wander around in my own bubble
I'm sorry your having such a bad time , at least you have your sister to share the new baby with though that will be a godsend ?

 

[Colin]

It's not a cure for social anxiety in anyway but I'd definitely recommend joining groups/classes etc. I have a naturally lonely profession (working overseas in an industry where people come and go, so, while you maybe surrounded by people, it's all very transient). I've started joining dance classes wherever I live and while I've not met best buddies there, I have met lovely people to hang out with and have some fun.

 

[coconochanel]

Like a book club for lonely people ! Brilliant idea , I expect were at opposite ends of the country though

We need a middle meeting ground...I know we will hire out some space in Zoella's office and meet there.

 

[LittleMy]

I’ve rejoined the gym. I used to go all the time after my first baby but stopped when I found out I was pregnant with second and piled on the weight since. I doubt I’ll make friends but it will at least give me an hour out of my day to work on myself.

 

[Princesspinky]

Same boat here. Had lots of friends until early 30's but drifted with most and moved a bit away from home town. Been here 5 years and have a few people who I chat to if I see them. Have tried to arrange meet ups but never really works out. Have 2 young children and husband works away for weeks at a time so mostly alone. Often think if I dropped dead some day it would be a while before anyone noticed which is scary for my children. I'm ok with being alone most of the time but ya it does get me down. Often think there is something wrong with me that I can't make friends, must be a terrible person. It also makes me ashamed that at my age I have nobody besides my husband. I feel a burden on him and I often lie if people ask what I am doing on big occasions like birthdays or Christmas etc. I pretend I have plans. Birthday looming again and another reminder that I am friendless.

I feel the same , I was with my ex husband for 13 years before he left , and he was really all I had untill I met a very close friend when my son started school.
I was just thinking today , who the hell would I put down as my next of kin as my mum's elderly and miles away , and I don't think I'm quite at that stage with my boyfriend so basically I'm on my own which is a very scary thought

 

[Influenced]

I’ve rejoined the gym. I used to go all the time after my first baby but stopped when I found out I was pregnant with second and piled on the weight since. I doubt I’ll make friends but it will at least give me an hour out of my day to work on myself.

Ya it does that for me, some headspace.

 

[2xblended]

I can relate to so many of these posts.

It's weird, I've always been a bit of a loner. I like to observe and think, read and walk alone. I like my own company. But I do wish I had more friends and have had real moments of loneliness in the last few years.

My best friends have passed away (one from illness, two from suicide) and while they have left a real void and a need for more friends/support, the experience of losing them has somehow made me even more guarded and unable to connect with other people.

I can't do small talk at all. I watch groups of women meet for their daily coffee, and they're talking and laughing effortlessly, and I sit there watching in awe because I cannot do that. I don't know how to do that. I never developed that skill for whatever reason.
The best I can manage is quick chat with baristas and SAs in stores, or the nurses when I go in for medical appointments, but I can't take any conversation deeper than that. I'm always told that I'm very open and friendly, but that's superficial. I'm utterly sucky at the actual 'building a relationship with other people' and 'getting through longer social interactions' part.

Now in my mid-30s and thinking I have a very lonely life ahead of me. Quite sad when I think about it.

 

[Noname12345]

Yep! I have no friends apart from my Husband and one acquaintance at the school I say hi too.
My problem is social anxiety but I also have little to none social skills, as ridiculous as that sounds I find small talk almost painful.. I’m the person that avoids going out if my neighbour is outside until they’ve gone to avoid it. I sound grumpy and deffo must seem unapproachable, it’s not that I want to be this way it’s jist how I am. One of my goals for 2020 is to ‘learn’ to socialise more, I am looking at volunteering just to get me out there and push myself x

I find small talk so boring and unnecessary

 

[lipsticktaser]

Sorry you’re all feeling like this.
I tried to be proactive and reach out to some people I’d lost contact with. Been for a lunch and a coffee but now I feel like I’m being desperate trying to arrange more meet ups.
been sticking with the netball and it’s good. Slowly getting to know people but not at the friends level.
It’s during the day I really feel it. Between school runs there’s a lot of time to fill. I’m just sleeping all the time and I can see it impacting my mood.
Would be good if there was a way to see if we were local to do coffees without outing.
I’m sure some of us are.

 

[Jc456]

I could have wrote this myself. Even with family I am always the one making the effort. A few years ago I made the decision to stop bothering and literally heard from/saw no one except my husband and people at work.

I've often wondered if it's possible to fade away from loneliness? And would anyone even notice?

Don't get me wrong, I like my own company but sometimes I think I would be nice to have someone other than my husband to speak to.

I stopped being the one to initiate conversations, meeting up etc, I deleted Facebook 3 years ago and don't hear from anyone now. I don't think anyone (other than my kids and mum) would notice if I disappeared.

I've noticed my speech isn't as clear as it used to be and I don't feel as mentally sharp

 

[Marie95]

I 100% feel like since getting older I've held on to less and less friends, I have a small circle of friends who I adore. But we are all in completely different stages of life and whilst it's exciting to live through each others experiences sometimes it's hard to talk to them about things because they don't understand. I am getting married this year and my fiance is in America for 8 months and I feel like I can't talk to them about when I'm struggling because they always sow how lucky I am and how excited they are for the wedding so I always feel I have to pretend everything is great. I know they would be there for me, but I also think I'm too proud to admit when I'm struggling because I'm the one who 'supposedly' has their life together.

Sorry this was a bit of a rant but the summary is I feel lonely too and struggle to make new friends that I can relate to! I am not sure if this is appropriate or not but if anyone wants to add each other on Instagram or something or maybe we could make a group chat... I don't know but seems like the diversity of the people in this thread would be a good mix to talk to!

 

[Princesspinky]

I hope everyones had a good day . It's back to school here , and back into our normal routine which makes me feel a lot less down . Netflix it is tonight

 

[Horatio]

This thread makes me so sad, I hadn't realised how prevalent loneliness is in general. I hear a lot in the media about how it affects the elderly, but it seems like it affects all age groups equally. There are charities who need volunteers to visit lonely elderly people, or those whose partners need a break from caring duties so they can go shopping, for instance. People who do this say it so rewarding and that they gain as much from it as the person they visit. Worth thinking about if you have time on your hands. Somebody said in one of the comments above that they wondered if anyone would notice if they weren't there and it reminded me of an awfully sad film I saw a few years ago that told the true story of Joyce Vincent, the film is called Dreams Of A Life - a very sobering story and one that illustrates how, even in today's hyper- connected world, people can fall off the radar. We all need to look out for one another.

Oh wow, Joyce Vincent’s story is unbearably sad. The detail that always stuck with me was how the tv was still on, all that time... seems so symbolic to show that the television cannot keep you company and isn’t a replacement for a friend. For so many, particularly the elderly and house bound that’s all they have.

But having said that, I think the vast majority of those talking about their loneliness on this thread aren’t elderly or housebound. It’s almost more ‘taboo’ In your 20s /30s /40s because of the assumptions and stereotypes people place on your life. But you definitely reach a point around your 20a where it gets much harder to make friends and it can be a shock. At school you mostly don’t think about it, because you all meet young and are used to socialising, kids always are at birthday parties, after school clubs, whatever. Anyway for those who go to uni, many find it’s harder to make friends than they realised. I know I did. Even if you do eventually make them, that was the first sign of the loneliness of adulthood that no one tells you about growing up...

I don’t think im suffering as badly as many in this thread. And my issue is different. I spend an inordinate amount of time on my own but that’s mostly self imposed. I dislike time spent in big groups to such an extreme degree (I think since uni actually ) that I convince myself I want to be alone whenever I can and end up my own worst enemy and feeling lonely from my choices.

I totally understand how draining it is having those extroverted types at work. I’m not particularly quiet or withdrawn but i hate it when you have those people who know everyone can hear them and perform almost. I find that so uncomfortable.

But we have something here a lot of people don’t have. That is to say a genuinely supportive and caring safe space. Sounds cheesy but I really mean it. 7 pages and counting of this thread where people are being really honest and open and others are responding with genuine kindness. That’s not going to solve anyone’s loneliness but i hope it might help a bit...?

 

[Walnutss]

It sounds sad I know but sometimes coming on here and reasoning other people's opinions is a highlight of my day


That's not good , is there something you enjoy doing ? A hobby ? I know it's so daunting doing things alone but it sounds like getting out and doing something you enjoy would really be beneficial ?

No no I'm here with you

 

[Jc456]

I hope everyones had a good day . It's back to school here , and back into our normal routine which makes me feel a lot less down . Netflix it is tonight

My girls are back to school tomorrow, I can't wait to get back into routine.
I've been thinking of volunteering to get me out of the house and socialising more.

 

[BananaRama]

@Peeltheavocado sorry to pry but don’t suppose you have Fibro? Apologies if not.
Loneliness is definitely crippling, I get about the extroverts just being too much and then people are the ones that look at you as unapproachable or just boring Sally in the corner. I get told all the time I’m cold or I’m unsociable but it’s because I’ve now become anxious and depressed which isn’t just a switch. People also don’t understand the insecurities that come with being alone for so long, friends don’t understand that although I might not want to say go clubbing, you can still keep me company at home. Pizza. Netflix. But that dried up and I felt to much of a burden to ask that question from them. It’s not easy to make friends. Especially where I’m from and my age. Everyone has the clique.

 

[Laur91]

I am 28 and have recently moved to a new area, i had a female best friend who is no longer in my life as we fell out over her wedding (a long story definitely worthy of telling some time but right now I’m still triggered by it!) and my other friends live up up north around 3hrs from me!

i have one friend still local but we don’t see each other too often, I find him a little self centered sometimes and often don’t have the energy to listen to his ‘me me me’ for hours on end!

i go to a local exercise class around 5 times a week so the ladies from there are like friends now but I am really content with my social life. I’m super close with my family so see them every week and I love spending time with my partners family too.