Or, even better:
LIZ JONES: Why I believe ruthless Kate's the driving force behind Andrew's eviction - and why no one now dares cross her
It’s a moving story, literally. Prince Andrew is rumoured to have agreed to call in the removal men, vacate the 30-room, 98-acre Royal Lodge, and relocate himself and his teddies to Frogmore Cottage – formerly the home of Harry and Meghan, where the yoga studio is still in situ, providing a place where he can continue to tie himself in knots.
He wants his ex-wife, Sarah, to have nearby Adelaide Cottage – he’s after a two-for-one, clearly, though doubtless has never been inside Tesco – which is soon to be vacated by William, Kate and their children.
In this regal version of Relocation, Relocation, the Waleses are off to Forest Lodge. Billed as their ‘forever home’ it is just a short trot along a tree-lined avenue from... Royal Lodge.
It’s little wonder then that William is rumoured to be the driving force behind Andrew’s exit. He’s supposedly determined to ensure his ‘beyond hideous’ uncle – as TV’s Emily Maitlis says the Prince of Wales regards Andrew – will not be his new nightmare neighbour.
But let’s not forget Kate, another instrumental player in the lodge-off.
She isn’t a blood relative of her husband’s creepy uncle. Her life’s work is to protect children. And apparently, she ‘shudders at the thought of living so close to Royal Lodge’. She doesn’t see this as just a scandal that threatens the Monarchy and therefore her offspring’s secure future, but as one that has already ruined the lives of scores of young women.
The way in which Andrew signed off his emails to Jeffrey Epstein – with ‘A, HRH, the Duke of York, KG’ – would alone make Kate shudder. She wears her titles lightly, can shrug them off like a too-heavy coat when kneeling to comfort children, or those suffering from cancer.
She no longer wants to rub padded shoulders with a man who spent time with an already convicted paedophile or his ex-wife, a woman who sent that paedophile toe-curlingly cringy emails, calling him her ‘supreme friend’. The former Duchess of York is now reported to be ‘on the edge... with nowhere to go or anyone else to go with’.
Oh, boo hoo. And why, exactly, is the status of Eugenie and Beatrice to remain untouched? Andrew doubtless made the retention of their titles a condition of him getting on his knees to take the final reading of his electricity meter.
According to Maitlis on her podcast, The News Agents, there was pressure put on the princesses by William to persuade their father to move out in exchange for their status to remain unchanged, a claim disputed by royal sources. The King was reportedly due to drive to Royal Lodge on his return from Rome where he prayed with the Pope on Thursday to speak to his brother, but the visit was called off due to a media ‘circus’ (again royal sources deny this).
There is no doubt Kate will have strong views on this unfolding royal fiasco.
She knows her power. Look at how swiftly, unflinchingly she saw off Meghan. Remember that icy stare when the formerly Fab Four did a walkabout before Queen Elizabeth’s funeral? She is like a lioness, protecting her territory. And anyone who can come through cancer is not to be messed with. Cancer survivors are the strongest people you will ever meet.
Charles has been slow to grasp the Andrew question. William has been, too. But like any mother of three children, Kate just wants it done. Today. To roll up her sleeves and clean the house, in more ways than one. As the only jewel left shining brightly in the Crown, what Kate wants, Kate gets.
and hooray for 
