Kids or not?

[KerChing]

I never said I had it easy, and you don’t know me so don’t assume that, thanks I have so many friends that do exactly the same as I do. I just wanted to make the point hat having kids doesn’t mean your life is over, it’s just different and you can live your life the way you did with some adaptations. Obviously everyone’s experiences are different but surely if you are looking for pros and cons of having kids logistics/childcare etc would be something you’d really think about beforehand

I’m assuming you from your post that you have family who can look after your child? This makes being a parent a LOT easier. I’m not making it hard for myself by not going away with my husband - we simply do not have this option. You are very lucky. My full time job involved nights away, lots of driving around the country & generally being out 7am-7pm. My husband works similar hours. This is not possible with children unless you have help. Obviously I considered this before getting pregnant & quit my job. I don’t want people to think it’s a walk in the park; it’s not.
I saw a lot of posts during lockdown about “when are they grandparents allowed to reopen” etc & I feel sad my kids don’t have that relationship and that we don’t have that break! We choose who goes to a wedding based on whose friend it was first (when you’re friends as a couple, If that Makes sense)

 

[Platypusfattypus]

How did you find the jump from 2-3 in general? I’ve posted on this thread a little earlier today x

There was quite a gap between my second and third (8 yrs) so having a baby again was a bit of a shock at first but they just slotted in great. I found 0-1 the hardest to be honest. Having two older children meant that I was able to go out to groups and coffees with friends. I worked night shifts before having my third so I was used to the sleep loss. The only think that was a bug difference was that we used to have a child each whenever we went anywhere, but all of a sudden there was another one to care for too A lot of places cater for a family of 4 so holidays etc can be more expensive

 

[erin182]

I’m assuming you from your post that you have family who can look after your child? This makes being a parent a LOT easier. I’m not making it hard for myself by not going away with my husband - we simply do not have this option. You are very lucky. My full time job involved nights away, lots of driving around the country & generally being out 7am-7pm. My husband works similar hours. This is not possible with children unless you have help. Obviously I considered this before getting pregnant & quit my job. I don’t want people to think it’s a walk in the park; it’s not.
I saw a lot of posts during lockdown about “when are they grandparents allowed to reopen” etc & I feel sad my kids don’t have that relationship and that we don’t have that break! We choose who goes to a wedding based on whose friend it was first (when you’re friends as a couple, If that Makes sense)

My comment about making it hard for yourself wasn’t just about going away without your kids. It was more about having your kids fit in with your lifestyle... if you travel lots, take your children. If you have hobbies such as idk paragliding (completely random) take your kids once they’re old enough. Of course you have to made adaptions but I just hate the whole ‘oh your life is over now’ mantra I hear lots of parents say

 

[ChampagneBox]

I’m so glad I found this thread, I’m going through the exact same thing at 25, which I know might seem quite young in the scheme of things but if im going to have them I’d like them younger...I’m haunted by the mistakes my parents made with me, I’m so so scared of repeating them But like my counsellor says, you are already aware of the mistakes, therefore you are unlikely to repeat them

 

[SusanBoobson]

I never said I had it easy, and you don’t know me so don’t assume that, thanks I have so many friends that do exactly the same as I do. I just wanted to make the point hat having kids doesn’t mean your life is over, it’s just different and you can live your life the way you did with some adaptations. Obviously everyone’s experiences are different but surely if you are looking for pros and cons of having kids logistics/childcare etc would be something you’d really think about beforehand

I’d say you have it easier then most judging by how many holidays you’ve managed to have without your child in just 5 years.
When I chose to become a mother it never entered my head how many people I might want to drag into the equation and I never anticipated what family members I might lose or might get ill along the way.
You can’t base your decision on whether to have a family on who’s going to look after your child for you because circumstances change.
Your next child might be disabled like mine and then you won’t be able to take any more childless holidays.
There’s nothing wrong with having holidays without your kids, but your comment about ‘it’s as hard as you make it’ isn’t applicable with parenting in general.

My comment about making it hard for yourself wasn’t just about going away without your kids. It was more about having your kids fit in with your lifestyle... if you travel lots, take your children. If you have hobbies such as idk paragliding (completely random) take your kids once they’re old enough. Of course you have to made adaptions but I just hate the whole ‘oh your life is over now’ mantra I hear lots of parents say

My comment about making it hard for yourself wasn’t just about going away without your kids. It was more about having your kids fit in with your lifestyle... if you travel lots, take your children. If you have hobbies such as idk paragliding (completely random) take your kids once they’re old enough. Of course you have to made adaptions but I just hate the whole ‘oh your life is over now’ mantra I hear lots of parents say

Yes in a perfect world that would be great and for you it’s worked out well because you have lots of help. However you can’t guarantee that will be possible when starting a family. So many things can happen that change how easy parenting is. Your situation is unique to you but doesn’t reflect how it will be for everyone.

 

[onmylunchbreak]

As someone who spent a hefty portion of their childhood having a parent tell me every single day how I ruined their life, I was a mistake, I should never have been born, how they wanted to kill themselves just to get away from me etc etc I do disagree with your statement.

I'm approaching 36 and kids are a no for me. I made this clear to my husband before we even got together and he is free to make his choice. If he changes his mind I won't begrudge him if he leaves to go do that with someone else.

I’m so sorry you experienced that, so sad. I suppose as a person who was loved by my own parents (they weren’t perfect but I always felt loved) and as someone who loves my own children (again not perfect but I always shower them with love as much as I can) it’s difficult for me to imagine how it could ever be different. But that was ignorant of me to assume all people are the same so I’m sorry about that.

 

[User_name_100]

I don't want kids. I don't feel a maternal bone in my body however my mother was the same and she ended up having me and my siblings in her 30s. I'm in my 30s now and haven't felt the urge to have a child.

The main reason is loss of identity. I don't mean that in a disrespectful way to parents at all but I would be scared of losing who I was.

I also love the freedom of not having to arrange childcare, going on holiday when I want, being able to uproot my life when I want etc. It's great. I'm considering moving abroad in the next few years and it'll be great to not have to worry about schools, whether kids would enjoy it etc.

It's fantastic that it's now seen as acceptable to not want children. There's so many people on this planet, it won't stop turning because I didn't reproduce.

What annoys me is when people say childfree people are selfish or not as compassionate. Untrue. Having a child doesn't mean you automatically become this selfless, compassionate person, in fact I've met so many parents who are the opposite of those qualities.

This isn't a dig at parents, but my god I've had so many digs thrown at me over the years from parents because I don't want children. It's such a personal decision, and I would never judge someone either way. You have to do what's right for you.

 

[bellinibobble]

I don't want kids. I'm 29.

I am so fed up of being asked 'when' me and my partner are going to have a baby, the assumption that all women are 'meant' to have kids really pisses me off. For all they know we could have fertility issues!

I'm too selfish for kids, both of my best friends have kids and trying to plan lunches/dinners etc is difficult as I need to suit them for childcare reasons, I like being able to do what I want when I want and like my sleep too much

This is exactly how I feel I’m 29 too. One of my good friends has just had a baby, because of Covid I haven’t been around her at all but it will be interesting to see if seeing her baby changes my mind.

I just can’t get over the pure hypocrisy of my parents and in-laws making us sleep in separate beds at 18 and now it’s all talk about grandchildren.. VERY INTERESTING

 

[JD-Morgan]

This is exactly how I feel I’m 29 too. One of my good friends has just had a baby, because of Covid I haven’t been around her at all but it will be interesting to see if seeing her baby changes my mind.

I just can’t get over the pure hypocrisy of my parents and in-laws making us sleep in separate beds at 18 and now it’s all talk about grandchildren.. VERY INTERESTING

My parents and in-laws would love nothing more than for us to have kids, which I do understand as their friends and other family members are becoming grandparents but they’ve never judged us (to our faces) for saying we don’t want kids. I have a niece and she is more than enough for me

Give me holidays and dogs any day.

 

[LittleMy]

My mum was desperate to become a grandmother, so excited when I fell pregnant and always buying stuff and making out like she would be there all the time and taking them overnight etc but since I’ve had my kids she barely sees them. She will keep my eldest on the rare night here and there, but refuses to take youngest (he is wild tbf and has always been very clingy to me). But still, it’s not the point. They make out like they can’t wait to be hands on grandparents and when the time comes they’re nowhere to be seen.

 

[KerChing]

My mum was desperate to become a grandmother, so excited when I fell pregnant and always buying stuff and making out like she would be there all the time and taking them overnight etc but since I’ve had my kids she barely sees them. She will keep my eldest on the rare night here and there, but refuses to take youngest (he is wild tbf and has always been very clingy to me). But still, it’s not the point. They make out like they can’t wait to be hands on grandparents and when the time comes they’re nowhere to be seen.

I could have written this about my inlaws. We were married 8 years before we had kids. My mother in law bagged on & on. She wouldn’t even have them in their house when they were toddlers! They like photos of them but they only see them when they pop over for a cuppa once or twice a month or we go & see them. They’d never take them out anywhere or do anything with them or babysit

 

[Kim Mild]

How did you find the jump from 2-3 in general? I’ve posted on this thread a little earlier today x

I found it fine , I felt like I knew what I was doing and relies on instinct a lot (especially since lockdown). I also find it expensive and I needed a bigger car .

I always wanted kids . I had one child , then after my mother died, I realised that being a parent was the most important thing in life ,so I had more.

 

[Charl28]

I found it fine , I felt like I knew what I was doing and relies on instinct a lot (especially since lockdown). I also find it expensive and I needed a bigger car .

I always wanted kids . I had one child , then after my mother died, I realised that being a parent was the most important thing in life ,so I had more.

I’ve currently just swapped to a fiat 500 x I think that would fit the 3 in. We have lots of weddings nxt year & our wedding the year after..... so much children will be around 4 & 7 by the time I maybe fall pregnant! I will be 32! We also live in a 3 bed and aren’t moving x

 

[Scvee13]

I think it can only be decided between you and your partner. What one parent feels is a pro another may see it as a con. I have one child, I'm 32(previous relationship) , m husband and I haven't fully decided if we want children or not. My daughter is a teenager and that may put me off having more

 

[Chandler Bing]

I’m so sorry you experienced that, so sad. I suppose as a person who was loved by my own parents (they weren’t perfect but I always felt loved) and as someone who loves my own children (again not perfect but I always shower them with love as much as I can) it’s difficult for me to imagine how it could ever be different. But that was ignorant of me to assume all people are the same so I’m sorry about that.

It's ok don't worry!

I had 2 sets of amazing, caring grandparents who made up for the lack of actual, caring parents.

However I do get triggered by all the 'unconditional love' type comments. Sometimes that just isn't the case and to be honest I don't think that's talked about enough (but that's not the subject here).

 

[NitrousOxide]

No kids and I'm thrilled about it, as is my partner. It's great to not have to worry about what our kids will do when climate change forces the youth of today to choose between burning, drowning and running out of food. I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of the awful future they are probably going to have. Also we like free time.

 

[JOHN1967]

Why do so many people here expect help raising their kids, they are your kids, because you want a night out why should others suffer.


Having said that my wife's nephews and nieces stay with us all the time. For me the best age is under five, they say and do the funniest things.

We don't have kids of our own, but the kids stay a week or two and are perfectly happy. I don't think that they are naughty but then different people have different levels of tolerance.

 

[KerChing]

Why do so many people here expect help raising their kids, they are your kids, because you want a night out why should others suffer.
Having said that my wife's nephews and nieces stay with us all the time. For me the best age is under five, they say and do the funniest things.

We don't have kids of our own, but the kids stay a week or two and are perfectly happy. I don't think that they are naughty but then different people have different levels of tolerance.

I’m not expecting help with my children - I’m saying that those who DO have help have it easier. A lot of grandparents/ aunts/ uncles would find it a pleasure to have their grandchildren/ nieces/ nephews to stay, not a sufferance.
What you’re doing is amazing by the way. I would love just one night away with my husband but it’s never going to happen.

 

[JOHN1967]

I’m not expecting help with my children - I’m saying that those who DO have help have it easier. A lot of grandparents/ aunts/ uncles would find it a pleasure to have their grandchildren/ nieces/ nephews to stay, not a sufferance.
What you’re doing is amazing by the way. I would love just one night away with my husband but it’s never going to happen.

I didn't mean you personally, it was a general comment about expecting help.

My general outlook on life is don't expect help from anyone, but if someone does help be grateful.

 

[JD-Morgan]

Why do so many people here expect help raising their kids, they are your kids, because you want a night out why should others suffer.

This.

I know someone who had a baby and her mum watched her grandchild 5 full days a week so she could go back to work full time.

She fell pregnant again when the first child was 2 and when someone asked about childcare she said 'my mum will look after both' as if it was a silly question.

I get there are grandparents/other family members who offer or are willing to help but I totally agree, they're your kids, if you can't afford childcare then don't have one.

My parents are in their late 50s / early 60s and there's no way I'd even ask them to look after my child so I could work or go out.