Kids or not?

[Pixipoppy]

I was like you - I’m now much more leaning towards not wanting kids, this is what I asked myself:

Am I willing to give up my free time, my hobbies and self care for the sake of a child?

Am I prepared to look after a child that has additional needs or is disabled? Will I be able to give this child the support and love it deserves?

Will I resent the child for losing my identity?

Am I willing for everyday processes (such as going to the shop) to become a lot more complex?

Do I have family or support nearby to help look after the baby?

Can I afford it comfortably?

Am I prepared to raise a human being not just a cute baby, am I prepared for difficult years, teenage strops - am I prepared to put my all into raising a child without the certainty that they will love me back all the time.

Can my mental health survive the trauma and anxiety of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child.

Can my relationship survive the above.

Do me and my partner have the same attitudes to raising a child. Would we both be willing to put in equal shares of the work.

Am I prepared for trying to conceive and being unable to and then going through the process of IVF?

 

[User_name_100]

I don't want kids. I don't feel a maternal bone in my body however my mother was the same and she ended up having me and my siblings in her 30s. I'm in my 30s now and haven't felt the urge to have a child.

The main reason is loss of identity. I don't mean that in a disrespectful way to parents at all but I would be scared of losing who I was.

I also love the freedom of not having to arrange childcare, going on holiday when I want, being able to uproot my life when I want etc. It's great. I'm considering moving abroad in the next few years and it'll be great to not have to worry about schools, whether kids would enjoy it etc.

It's fantastic that it's now seen as acceptable to not want children. There's so many people on this planet, it won't stop turning because I didn't reproduce.

What annoys me is when people say childfree people are selfish or not as compassionate. Untrue. Having a child doesn't mean you automatically become this selfless, compassionate person, in fact I've met so many parents who are the opposite of those qualities.

This isn't a dig at parents, but my god I've had so many digs thrown at me over the years from parents because I don't want children. It's such a personal decision, and I would never judge someone either way. You have to do what's right for you.

 

[bookwormbex]

My first child is almost 5 months old. I'm 27. I never wanted children. I have spent my life partying in clubs and bars, attending hundreds of gigs and festivals, and I've never wanted to give that up. Learning i was pregnant was an instant...oh. seeing my partners reaction (so excited) made it seem like a wonderful thing and after feeling unsure, somehow everything just clicked. I had an amazing, easy pregnancy although i had an emergency c section after discovering i had preeclamspia. Pregnancy taught me so much. It made me the happiest I've ever been. Even though the birth was an emergency, it was so easy and ran so smoothly. My baby has slept 13 hours through the night since he was 2 months old, we are so blessed. He truly is an angel. He's made this whole parenting thing so easy for us. Now i don't have any regrets.

It was probably a blessing in disguise because now when we do get a night out, it makes it that much more special, and we aren't overdoing it getting off our heads every weekend!

I never felt i could be a mother let alone a good one but this is the first thing I've ever done and felt I've been good at. It's fun. I love watching my lad grow and learn and knowing i can help him become an amazing person is so rewarding.

 

[JD-Morgan]

I don't want kids. I'm 29.

I am so fed up of being asked 'when' me and my partner are going to have a baby, the assumption that all women are 'meant' to have kids really pisses me off. For all they know we could have fertility issues!

I'm too selfish for kids, both of my best friends have kids and trying to plan lunches/dinners etc is difficult as I need to suit them for childcare reasons, I like being able to do what I want when I want and like my sleep too much

 

[Muddlinleigh]

I'm 45, always knew I didn't want children. If I had a pound for every person who had told me I'd change my mind I'd be rich.

Have two small nephews who I adore and love spending time with but they've also confirmed don't want any of my own.

 

[SusanBoobson]

I have a 5 year old and since she’s been born I’ve been away with friends 4 times and also been on holiday with my partner. We’ve been away as a family also! I think you’ve gotta get the balance right. We both go on nights out with our friends and allow each other the time away if we want to do things! I definitely think there’s ways round things and it’s only as difficult as you make it. I still also work full time as I did before!

Your situation is rare. Most parents don’t get holidays without their children. Many parents don’t have babysitters for nights out.
You’ve had it easy because you have people helping you. Hence why you take holidays without your child and can work full time. It’s not ‘as hard as you make it’ that’s like assuming everyone has had it as easy as you.

 

[caitlinbullen]

I can see you have a load of responses so I’ll keep mine brief. I have 3 kids and 1 dog. With hindsight I would have 3 dogs and 1 kid. I would have always wondered ‘what if’ if I hadn’t have had children I think, so I don’t regret the decision to have children in that sense, but the dog is just as rewarding and a lot less fucking effort tbh

 

[PoleStar]

I have always known I didn't want to have children. I'm in my early 50s now and have no regrets about not having children, it was the right decision for me and, fortunately, my husband never wanted children either. It's really important that both halves of a couple agree on this, it's such a major decision. Part of my reason for not wanting children is that I suffer from depression and OCD, it runs in my family, and I didn't want to pass this on.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Ah its great! You will never regret having a child but may regret not having one.

I've said this before on this thread but as someone who spent most of of their childhood having a parent tell me every single day how I ruined their life, how I was a mistake, that I should never have been born, how they wanted to kill themselves simply just to get away from me etc etc I do disagree with your statement which is wrong and possibly triggering for a lot of people.

 

[LittleMy]

I have a lot of respect for women who are open and honest about not wanting children. People are so incessant in pestering women about when they’re going to get pregnant, especially when they reach a certain age and it hasn’t happened. It’s a very personal thing and there may be a multitude of reasons why they haven’t or don’t plan to, but it’s still no one else’s business. I have two boys and keep getting asked if I’ll “try for a girl.” That bugs the shit out of me.

As much as I love my children, I realise that they’re not for everyone. So to all the women who don’t want to become mothers, I salute you; enjoy your freedoms and not having an audience when you’re trying to take a piss, getting to wake up at whatever time you like and do whatever you feel like with not a care in the world. It definitely gets taken for granted pre-parenthood.

 

[xoxo GG]

I love being a parent. Some days I do wish I’d waited (I’m 24 with a one year old) but I don’t feel like I miss out or I don’t get the opportunity to go out and do what I want. It’s true what they say in it takes a village and I’m very lucky that alongside my partner, my parents have always encouraged us to take time for our own hobbies or activities as a couple.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could have a lay in, watch what I wanted on the TV, eat a meal without a begging toddler wanting mine, I crave silence. But then you also have the amazing times. Seeing your baby hit all their milestones. The things they learn. First steps. First words. The love that the people you care for most have for this little person you made.

Honestly I love being a mum, I give her my everything but I also know how important it is to sometimes, just make time for me. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes REALLY shit but for me, I’ll see my little one and everything falls into place.

But don’t be pressured into having children. It’s completely okay to go backwards and forwards until you know where your heart lies.

 

[Chandler Bing]

When you weigh it up, it seems so easy to talk yourself out of having kids but I wouldn’t change it and I don’t think anyone who has had children would ever ever regret doing so. Sure you can be annoyed about the way it negatively affects your life but I can’t imagine anyone truly regretting their children’s existence.

As someone who spent a hefty portion of their childhood having a parent tell me every single day how I ruined their life, I was a mistake, I should never have been born, how they wanted to kill themselves just to get away from me etc etc I do disagree with your statement.

I'm approaching 36 and kids are a no for me. I made this clear to my husband before we even got together and he is free to make his choice. If he changes his mind I won't begrudge him if he leaves to go do that with someone else.

 

[Dexy]

I was never maternal and had no interest in children at all. Had a fab time during my twenties, clubbing, girls holidays, traveling and basically did as I pleased. Met my husband at 27 and married at 30 and I was quiet clear to him that I may never change my mind and ‘ I had to be enough ‘ which he said I was.
We didn’t really talk about them again and I definitely wasn’t feeling broody at all. Then a colleague at work got pregnant and it made me realise at 33 I needed to decide for sure. Husband said ‘ let’s just see what happens.’ If it happened great if it didn’t we were happy as we were. I got pregnant almost instantly and I remember my husband saying ‘ you ok ?’ Like waiting for my reaction. I was so worried that broodiness or maternal instinct would not kick in. Of course it did and our little boy is our world. It’s funny because I still don’t really like other people’s children much, just my own lol. I think I always wanted them deep down but I was overthinking it. Yes it’s a huge change but it’s true there’s nothing like it. I wonder now what I did with all my time haha! I am so glad I went for it as I think I would’ve had regrets. He’s now five and we thought we were “ done.” My husband got the shock of his life when I propositioned him one night and we are now one month away from having baby number two.

 

[Babyboo75]

Just my two cents...im 32, have a long time bf and we own our home, we have travelled a good bit and both have stable jobs, i got pregnant by complete accident last year on a wknd break to amsterdam, was shocked to see the positive test, although i disnt know what to think, we of course went ahead as we are very stable, our daughter was born in april and i van honestly say she is the light of our lives and the best thing to ever happen to us...sure it changes your life but in fairness, our social life was so quiet since 30, travel has stopped for 2020, we have been most places and we will take our little girl with us next year, getting pregnant was the best thing that ever happened to me and im so thankful i was able to conceive so easily, i feel terrible for anyone facing a conception battle...having a child is a privilge that had previously taken for granted, best of luck xx

 

[LittleMy]

I have two children aged almost 3 and 5, both with ASD. I have days where I absolutely love being their mummy, and others where I could run for the hills and never look back; I never would actually, but still, you get the point. Before I fell pregnant, I was only beginning to warm to the idea of having children when I realised that the long term relationship I was in at the time was going nowhere. Until then I hadn’t really thought much about it. I didn’t set out to become pregnant, but about a year into my relationship with my now husband, I fell pregnant. We were engaged at the time and it wasn’t the disaster I expected it to be; our child was very much wanted and was part of our new family unit. Life changes drastically when there’s a baby in it, but I welcomed the changes and loved the experience.

When my baby was around 15 months, I discovered I was expecting again. At the same time we had begun to suspect our son was autistic and were in the middle of assessments etc to confirm a diagnosis. We are currently going through the same process with our youngest. I never expected to be the mother of two children with additional needs (shamefully, it never entered my mind once throughout the journey with my first and the second time around autism had only entered our minds when I was already pregnant again) and at times it’s very heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes the guilt creeps in and I don’t feel good enough for them.

All parenthood has its ups and downs, I think it all boils down to whether or not you’re prepared to make sacrifices and accept that it may not be everything that you imagined it would be. Your own children will drive you to the brink of insanity with their own personalities, quirks and the constant worrying about them all the time, but you’ll still love them unconditionally because they are a part of you and you’ve nurtured them. There is no other love like it imo. Cheesy as it sounds, and I know there will be people out there who don’t feel the same way, but to me it’s like your heart walking around outside of your body. I would take away the struggles they face in a heartbeat, but I would never take away my children. My current struggle is wanting a third child but wondering if I could cope with the likelihood of another being on the spectrum. I don’t feel my family is complete.

 

[ChampagneBox]

I’m so glad I found this thread, I’m going through the exact same thing at 25, which I know might seem quite young in the scheme of things but if im going to have them I’d like them younger...I’m haunted by the mistakes my parents made with me, I’m so so scared of repeating them But like my counsellor says, you are already aware of the mistakes, therefore you are unlikely to repeat them

 

[bluebell22]

I’m 30 and married, and I’m not sure if I want kids? One minute I do, then the next I’m not sure. I enjoy my life as it is; going on holidays, festivals, meals out, drinks, spending money on what I want. I’m actually content with my life at the moment.

None of my friends have kids, so there’s no pressure as such to catch up with them. I have nieces and nephews that I spend time with. I do get questions all the time from people asking when I’m having kids which is super annoying. But as I’m 30 I’ve been thinking about whether or not it’s something I want.

What are the pros and cons to having children? Do you have kids and do you actually enjoy it? Or have you decided not to have kids, if so how do you feel about it? Happy or regretful? Anyone else feeling the pressure at all? Just want to hear other people’s experiences really either way!

 

[erin182]

You’ll be surprised how easily you adapt to having kids. I haven’t given up anything, but I’ve just had to find a new way of doing things! I think people have this mentality that once you have children your life is over, which just isn’t the case at all.

 

[101d]

I can see you have a load of responses so I’ll keep mine brief. I have 3 kids and 1 dog. With hindsight I would have 3 dogs and 1 kid. I would have always wondered ‘what if’ if I hadn’t have had children I think, so I don’t regret the decision to have children in that sense, but the dog is just as rewarding and a lot less fucking effort tbh

This is the response I needed! From someone with 2 dogs and no kids....

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I have children and for me they have enhanced my life. I really enjoy spending time with them and seeing the world through their eyes. But my children are pretty easy to look after and I really like the people they are. The two oldest are teenagers but thankfully they haven't become surly horrible teenagers (like I was). My eldest has a very dry sarcastic sense of humour which cracks me up, my middle is so loving and sweet, my third is feral but is a lovely kid who just loves their family. We still travel with them, still have a good social life and I've been able to go to uni and get a new career still so it's not held me back. I don't like many children, was never particularly maternal, I'm not a fan of babies at all but I adored mine

It's not all been plain sailing. Financially it's been difficult at times. I also don't do pregnancy very well physically and I have had a lot of mental health issues following the birth (I obviously don't do well with hormones) but the benefits outweigh those. But I always wanted kids. People have to do what's right for them. I hate this idea that everyone should want kids.