Kids or not?

[SusanBoobson]

I’m 30 and married, and I’m not sure if I want kids? One minute I do, then the next I’m not sure. I enjoy my life as it is; going on holidays, festivals, meals out, drinks, spending money on what I want. I’m actually content with my life at the moment.

None of my friends have kids, so there’s no pressure as such to catch up with them. I have nieces and nephews that I spend time with. I do get questions all the time from people asking when I’m having kids which is super annoying. But as I’m 30 I’ve been thinking about whether or not it’s something I want.

What are the pros and cons to having children? Do you have kids and do you actually enjoy it? Or have you decided not to have kids, if so how do you feel about it? Happy or regretful? Anyone else feeling the pressure at all? Just want to hear other people’s experiences really either way!

I have 3 children and my youngest is disabled.
Being a parent has had it’s ups and downs.
We have loved the day trips, holidays and christmases etc but it’s also been 14 years of stress and worry.
If we were childless we could take any holiday we liked, buy what we liked, sleep as much as we wanted, relax whenever we wanted and live wherever we wanted.
I think a lot of people have this fantasy idea about babies and families with the idea that it will compete their life. Yes if things go smoothly and you manage to have 2 perfect children who are well behaved, healthy and do well at school then life as a parent is going to be that bit easier but 9/10 it’s never like that.
You never know what extra needs or difficulties your child will have. It’s a gamble with every pregnancy.
Being a parent is the most exhausting and worrying experience of my life.
My advice is do not do it unless you are really strong and adaptable and don’t mind making huge sacrifices.

You’ll be surprised how easily you adapt to having kids. I haven’t given up anything, but I’ve just had to find a new way of doing things! I think people have this mentality that once you have children your life is over, which just isn’t the case at all.

for some it doesn’t change things. If you have supportive family and babysitters, healthy children etc then great but for many it does change life. I have 3 and a disabled child, I have no babysitters, my husband works all hours and I literally don’t have a second to myself for the last 14 years.

 

[tskiry56]

I'm sure there was a similar post to this a few months ago
I'm 32 and have a 6 year old son. I dont regret having him I regret the circumstances. I was with my ex for approx 6 months. We ended up living between 2 houses for a year. Then I bought a house with the help of my parents. I worked fulltime from when my son was 5 months old.
For nearly 3 years I hid emotional/physical abuse and coercive behaviour. I found the courage to admit the truth when my 3 year old witnessed the final act of violence I couldn't hide it anymore.
Stupidly he was the reason I stayed with my ex but he was also the reason I left.
I don't remember much of my sons first few years because of the abuse.
The one thing I find hard is my son having contact with his dad and that constant tie to a person who never had any respect for the mother of his child.
I hope to have children with my current boyfriend who treats my son like his own.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I sometimes see pictures and vlogs of the influencers children and they make motherhood seem a breeze and like it’s so easy, but then I spend time with other people’s children and I quickly realise how much I don’t suit being a mum.

I am mid 20’s, have been in a relationship for 5 years and we both agreed at the start we weren’t interested in children, however I do know that if I wanted a child, my other half would go ahead with it and he would fall in love with child.

his reservations are, I have one parent that I have to care for as she has mental and physical health problems, he has two parents, one who works full time and the other who isn’t overly maternal, plus he also has a sister. In his eyes we lack support massively, which I do agree with.

my reservations are, my own parents were very cold and distant, I wasn’t shown love as a child and as a result, I can also be cold and distant. I’m not always like that, I’m usually quite loving towards my partner, but I have my moments and I don’t think I’d cope with the lack of personal space that comes with a child and also think I would struggle to show love towards them. I have seen this with my half sister, she was very cold and distant to my nephew and we had a similar upbringing.

my other issue is, I have ASD, I don’t think I’d cope if I had a child that did too, plus I lack patience and I get frustrated very quickly, not very good qualities for a parent.

Newborn to 20 months I could probably manage, but after that I’d just find it a huge challenge I feel.

 

[LittleMy]

Some people’s’ lives do change drastically though when they become parents. Not everyone has a reliable support system they can fall back on. It’s rare that my husband and I get a day off from being parents, there’s always one of us with the children because of work (I’m night shift he’s day). All those excited offers of babysitting duties peter out the moment they’re no longer in the cutesy baby stage, and are practically non-existent when your children have high needs. We’re not whining about it, we’re used to it, but that’s our reality. That’s why I’m looking forward to my oldest son starting primary school next week and my youngest starting nursery in September, because it will ease things up a bit for us.

 

[Dexy]

To everyone with disabled children or children with special needs - I can’t even imagine how much harder it must be - that must be a totally different ball game.

 

[KerChing]

I got married in my mid-20s & never wanted kids. I briefly wondered if I was missing out on the meaning of life & decided I wanted one when I was about 32/33. I have 2 now (planned!) and I love them to bits, but I do think if you don’t massively want them, as in very strong urge, don’t have any. They take over your life

Edited to add we don’t have any family help whatsoever. So we never have a night just us two. No grandparents picking them up from school, no sleepovers with nanny etc. I didn’t know it was going to be like this when we had them. We have good friends who babysit for us to have a meal for birthdays etc. I think it’s easier to be a parent if you have some family support. The flip side is that we’re really close as a family I guess.

 

[Muddlinleigh]

I'm 45, always knew I didn't want children. If I had a pound for every person who had told me I'd change my mind I'd be rich.

Have two small nephews who I adore and love spending time with but they've also confirmed don't want any of my own.

 

[KerChing]

You’ll be surprised how easily you adapt to having kids. I haven’t given up anything, but I’ve just had to find a new way of doing things! I think people have this mentality that once you have children your life is over, which just isn’t the case at all.

I think it depends on circumstances - I used to travel a lot (driving) for work which I can’t do any more as I have to look after my kids. So I have lost my career! I also used to enjoy drinking & smoking all day & evening at festivals, gigs, parties, clubs etc these also had to go. Weekends away watching bands with my husband also no longer possible. Also weddings now too if people don’t allow kids.

 

[Hello Kitty]

I'm 31 and I am the exactly the same as you - one minute I do, then I don't. I can see myself with a child, so maybe in a year or so. I just hate the constant asking from people that I'm not even close to. Someone at my work asked about 6 months ago and I think he could tell that it annoyed me as he apologised after. I don't understand why everyone automatically thinks that everyone wants children, some people don't want them, some people can't have them and some are trying.

I know for a fact that I will never turn into an insta mum and post 50 stories and posts a day - very annoying and weird if your profile is public for anyone to see.

 

[JD-Morgan]

I don't want kids. I'm 29.

I am so fed up of being asked 'when' me and my partner are going to have a baby, the assumption that all women are 'meant' to have kids really pisses me off. For all they know we could have fertility issues!

I'm too selfish for kids, both of my best friends have kids and trying to plan lunches/dinners etc is difficult as I need to suit them for childcare reasons, I like being able to do what I want when I want and like my sleep too much

 

[LittleMy]

I have a lot of respect for women who are open and honest about not wanting children. People are so incessant in pestering women about when they’re going to get pregnant, especially when they reach a certain age and it hasn’t happened. It’s a very personal thing and there may be a multitude of reasons why they haven’t or don’t plan to, but it’s still no one else’s business. I have two boys and keep getting asked if I’ll “try for a girl.” That bugs the tit out of me.

As much as I love my children, I realise that they’re not for everyone. So to all the women who don’t want to become mothers, I salute you; enjoy your freedoms and not having an audience when you’re trying to take a piss, getting to wake up at whatever time you like and do whatever you feel like with not a care in the world. It definitely gets taken for granted pre-parenthood.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

Pros
- watching them grow and develop is really rewarding.
- all the ‘firsts’ you can think of.
- Doing stuff ‘as a family’ like days holidays and stuff. Holidays with kids are different but that’s not necessarily a bad thing
- Christmas is fantastic with kids especially when they’re old enough to understand the whole Santa thing
- Surprising them with things (not just material) you know they will love and will bring them joy.

Cons
- broken sleep in the early day’s, they often do start to sleep through as they get older but not always.
- They are expensive to clothe, feed and to provide entertainment (Toys etc), plus clubs and activities.
- it doesn’t get cheaper as they get older
- Nursery fees are extortionate
- not being able to sleep in till what ever time you like and often being up at the crack of dawn every day
- having to plan almost everything around the children or at least with them in mind
- if you don’t have good family support it can be pretty much impossible to get a night to yourself
- parenting is relentless for years and years.
- you doubt yourself a lot (well I do)
- when you become a parent everyone suddenly has an opinion especially when they are babies
- childbirth hurts

Even thought my ‘cons’ list is longer than the pros I definitely don’t regret having children. The pros imo strongly outweigh the majority of the cons and are far more valuable to me than say, getting to sleep in every weekend. It’s definitely worth really having a think about whether it’s something you truly want however if you think too much you will end up even more confused I think. It’s tricky, I don’t think anyone should just rush into having kids but also don’t believe there is ever a ‘perfect time’ to have them and that there will always be a reason not to have them, if that’s makes sense.

Those of you who know they don’t want kids should definitely stick to their guns and embrace the freedom that choice gives you. I took that time for granted before I had kids I must admit.

 

[erin182]

I think it depends on circumstances - I used to travel a lot (driving) for work which I can’t do any more as I have to look after my kids. So I have lost my career! I also used to enjoy drinking & smoking all day & evening at festivals, gigs, parties, clubs etc these also had to go. Weekends away watching bands with my husband also no longer possible. Also weddings now too if people don’t allow kids.

I have a 5 year old and since she’s been born I’ve been away with friends 4 times and also been on holiday with my partner. We’ve been away as a family also! I think you’ve gotta get the balance right. We both go on nights out with our friends and allow each other the time away if we want to do things! I definitely think there’s ways round things and it’s only as difficult as you make it. I still also work full time as I did before!

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I have children and for me they have enhanced my life. I really enjoy spending time with them and seeing the world through their eyes. But my children are pretty easy to look after and I really like the people they are. The two oldest are teenagers but thankfully they haven't become surly horrible teenagers (like I was). My eldest has a very dry sarcastic sense of humour which cracks me up, my middle is so loving and sweet, my third is feral but is a lovely kid who just loves their family. We still travel with them, still have a good social life and I've been able to go to uni and get a new career still so it's not held me back. I don't like many children, was never particularly maternal, I'm not a fan of babies at all but I adored mine

It's not all been plain sailing. Financially it's been difficult at times. I also don't do pregnancy very well physically and I have had a lot of mental health issues following the birth (I obviously don't do well with hormones) but the benefits outweigh those. But I always wanted kids. People have to do what's right for them. I hate this idea that everyone should want kids.

 

[OatMatchaLatte]

I'm 36 and have never wanted children. I think deep down you just "know" ... although I am someone that listens to my gut for a lot of things. I was open to changing my mind, I wasn't so set against it, but now I feel like if I was going to want them, I'd feel some kind of maternal pull. Truth is, when I see a baby/toddler/child, all I can think is "my god, what a lot of hard work"

I don't lead a particularly exciting life, but I like my gym / work / yoga / holidays ... and something there would have to give. I do think it's pretty much the only decision you can't undo once it's made - especially for women.

 

[Charl28]

I have children and for me they have enhanced my life. I really enjoy spending time with them and seeing the world through their eyes. But my children are pretty easy to look after and I really like the people they are. The two oldest are teenagers but thankfully they haven't become surly horrible teenagers (like I was). My eldest has a very dry sarcastic sense of humour which cracks me up, my middle is so loving and sweet, my third is feral but is a lovely kid who just loves their family. We still travel with them, still have a good social life and I've been able to go to uni and get a new career still so it's not held me back. I don't like many children, was never particularly maternal, I'm not a fan of babies at all but I adored mine

It's not all been plain sailing. Financially it's been difficult at times. I also don't do pregnancy very well physically and I have had a lot of mental health issues following the birth (I obviously don't do well with hormones) but the benefits outweigh those. But I always wanted kids. People have to do what's right for them. I hate this idea that everyone should want kids.

How did you find the jump from 2-3 in general? I’ve posted on this thread a little earlier today x

 

[101d]

I do want children, and I never wanted to be an "old" mum (going from my mum having me quite young) but life passes you by so fast and I don't know if I'll ever feel "ready" for kids.

 

[SusanBoobson]

I have a 5 year old and since she’s been born I’ve been away with friends 4 times and also been on holiday with my partner. We’ve been away as a family also! I think you’ve gotta get the balance right. We both go on nights out with our friends and allow each other the time away if we want to do things! I definitely think there’s ways round things and it’s only as difficult as you make it. I still also work full time as I did before!

Your situation is rare. Most parents don’t get holidays without their children. Many parents don’t have babysitters for nights out.
You’ve had it easy because you have people helping you. Hence why you take holidays without your child and can work full time. It’s not ‘as hard as you make it’ that’s like assuming everyone has had it as easy as you.

 

[Frenchie]

I had my daughter young, I'm in my 40's now and with a new partner, we have been trying for 2 years, we've even spoken about ivf but already having a child I'm not sure I'd be allowed on nhs, sorry I'm rambling, but yes I'm glad I had my daughter in my 20's, not got a career now that would be my one regret but she was very much wanted , I think you 'know' if you want them or not x

 

[erin182]

Your situation is rare. Most parents don’t get holidays without their children. Many parents don’t have babysitters for nights out.
You’ve had it easy because you have people helping you. Hence why you take holidays without your child and can work full time. It’s not ‘as hard as you make it’ that’s like assuming everyone has had it as easy as you.

I never said I had it easy, and you don’t know me so don’t assume that, thanks I have so many friends that do exactly the same as I do. I just wanted to make the point hat having kids doesn’t mean your life is over, it’s just different and you can live your life the way you did with some adaptations. Obviously everyone’s experiences are different but surely if you are looking for pros and cons of having kids logistics/childcare etc would be something you’d really think about beforehand