Well Done to @Foodaholic for the highly amusing title. It should say ‘my laundry ain’t one..’ at the end but I think it might have cut off. If anyone can fix it then please do??? @Yel Can you help? 
Nearly at 100!!!
Four bleeping weeks lads!!
Bit of a quiet beginning to the weekend with another unsuspecting bride being given the complexion of Marge Simpson with jaundice and the eyelashes of the inside of a broken umbrella. Thankfully, even though she doesn’t read here, Kate managed to see the comments on here about how out of order it was that she was showing the bride to thousands of people hours before the groom was actually getting a look and she at least held back until the day after the wedding this time.
We had yet another engagement-begging thumb and playdoh-belly post in front of the mirror that included, without a hint of irony, a comment about how Instagram shouldn’t make you feel bad because anyone can make themselves into something they’re not. We know, Kate, you’re one of them. You somehow manage to make yourself look like a petite and tiny size 6 delicate little flower fairy, when in actual fact you’d be hard pressed to choose between you and a narwhal in a shadow guessing competition, and you look like you smell like a magnet. When, and only when you stop editing your pictures will I accept having to see you doing the truffle shuffle at half 9 on a Sunday morning.
Mensa’s youngest bilingual member was pictured propped up at her desk again reading a copy of ‘Surrounded by Idiots’ before being dragged around a farm in a pair of what must have been her Grandad’s boots - there is simply no other explanation for their size. And when I say dragged, I literally mean dragged - an adult on each arm pulling her across the grass so her giant sized boots were circling in the air like Road Runner luring Wile.E.Coyote into a fake tunnel. It’s all fine though, Olive is an outdoor, animal child, probably because she prefers the smell of squirrel tit and mouldy leaves to that of her mother who smells like she’s sat in cottage cheese.
We were treated to yet another well put together reel during which Kate (made up to look like a Poundland skeleton mask) bizarrely seemed to be miming the lyrics to ‘My Old Man’s a Dustman’ over the track, ‘Girl’ by Destiny’s Child. Four point three billion years of universal development and human evolution, and this weapon still can’t figure out that you should learn the words to the song you’re mouthing along to before filming it and releasing it for several thousand people to see.
It’s Monday and it’s time for Dictionary Corner. This week we’re going to be looking at the word ‘forward’ and hopefully also learning how to spell it properly along with other words such as ‘film’, ‘weaning’, ‘bowl’, and ‘tired’. Despite declaring to the world that she would be using the word forward ‘all week’, it was mentioned once more and then hasn’t been heard again, we can only presume that it’s gone to the same place as the giant bottle of water she was going to use every day, any value her house once held, and her stake in Oh Darlin’.
Apparently the renovation work they’ve been doing over the last few weeks isn’t a playroom for their cherished rainbow baby, or the realisation that the corridor masquerading as a living room is just plainly ridiculous, or just a shed of panelled walls and pampas grass as we all suspected, it is in fact a new utility room - yes, the woman whose idea of Feng Shui is to empty a cat litter tray is to decorate yet another completely pointless room in her Wacky Warehouse of a home. Incoming shots of her beaming like Stevie Wonder at a Feed the World Benefit Concert in front of some Farrow and Ball paint in 3, 2, 1…
The utility room news did however lead to her admitting that because she hasn’t got a washing machine, she has gone 4 bleeping WEEKS without washing anything. Yes, you read that correctly - 4 weeks/28 days/672 hours/almost a month/2 fortnights without washing a single item of fabric. One can only imagine the stench of the odiferous fumes being emitted from the depths of her wash basket, probably sufficient enough to act as pesticide for the entire northern hemisphere during the rainy season. Never fear though, Kate knows where the laundry shop is, and in her role as the Wirral’s self-appointed baby activity seeker, has discovered that the laundry shop is more fun that the soft play. Looking for something to stop your kids screeching and shouting and eating the whole food-shop in one day? Just find your local laundrette, take over all of the machines and the dryer, make sure there’s a pensioner in there to keep an eye on your spawn while you edit pictures of yourself on social media, and Bam! Free day out for you and all the family.
Olive proved once more that she is so incredible and special and is truly the most clever baby that ever did exist in this and all the known universes by taking her first steps AGAIN! Even though there is absolutely no documentary footage of it at all, we all know that Olive took her first steps on her first birthday in front of her whole family. However, Olive is no ordinary baby and has become the first baby to walk for the first time twice. Join us next month when she will speak for the first time for the third time and eat her first lot of food for the seventeenth time.
With all the common sense of a dog smitten with an electric fence, she decided to attend a business meeting about her makeup brand wearing no makeup, a hair mask on top of sweat drenched hair and dressed as Marjorie Dawes. The new range is coming out on 4th September, no sorry, it’s being announced on the 4th September and released for Christmas in October. Fingers crossed they’ve got the same packaging proofreaders as last time. I myself can’t wait to see her earshadow plates, fak tane gluvs, and foundaton broom.
Concert going is her hobby because she’s been to some. I am now including breaking my fingers and stepping in dog tit as hobbies because I too have done them more than once.
She spent most of Thursday doing a ‘collab’ with Glamify, a clothes company who seem to have 17 different prices for each item of clothing depending on the alignment of the planets, and a range that all looks the same but comes in all the sizes and colours. This ‘collab’ pretty much consisted of her showing us a cake and then standing in front of a mirror wearing a variety of ill-fitting coats that are perfect for the summer and made her look like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man’s Aunty Paula. See, Kate, this is what happens when you say you can fit into Zara size medium clothes when you’d actually struggle to get your hand into a Zara size medium purse - they give you clothes of the size you claim to be instead of the size you actually are.
Finally, FOUR bleeping WEEKS!!!!!
As always, Read the Wiki…
Nearly at 100!!!
Four bleeping weeks lads!!
Bit of a quiet beginning to the weekend with another unsuspecting bride being given the complexion of Marge Simpson with jaundice and the eyelashes of the inside of a broken umbrella. Thankfully, even though she doesn’t read here, Kate managed to see the comments on here about how out of order it was that she was showing the bride to thousands of people hours before the groom was actually getting a look and she at least held back until the day after the wedding this time.
We had yet another engagement-begging thumb and playdoh-belly post in front of the mirror that included, without a hint of irony, a comment about how Instagram shouldn’t make you feel bad because anyone can make themselves into something they’re not. We know, Kate, you’re one of them. You somehow manage to make yourself look like a petite and tiny size 6 delicate little flower fairy, when in actual fact you’d be hard pressed to choose between you and a narwhal in a shadow guessing competition, and you look like you smell like a magnet. When, and only when you stop editing your pictures will I accept having to see you doing the truffle shuffle at half 9 on a Sunday morning.
Mensa’s youngest bilingual member was pictured propped up at her desk again reading a copy of ‘Surrounded by Idiots’ before being dragged around a farm in a pair of what must have been her Grandad’s boots - there is simply no other explanation for their size. And when I say dragged, I literally mean dragged - an adult on each arm pulling her across the grass so her giant sized boots were circling in the air like Road Runner luring Wile.E.Coyote into a fake tunnel. It’s all fine though, Olive is an outdoor, animal child, probably because she prefers the smell of squirrel tit and mouldy leaves to that of her mother who smells like she’s sat in cottage cheese.
We were treated to yet another well put together reel during which Kate (made up to look like a Poundland skeleton mask) bizarrely seemed to be miming the lyrics to ‘My Old Man’s a Dustman’ over the track, ‘Girl’ by Destiny’s Child. Four point three billion years of universal development and human evolution, and this weapon still can’t figure out that you should learn the words to the song you’re mouthing along to before filming it and releasing it for several thousand people to see.
It’s Monday and it’s time for Dictionary Corner. This week we’re going to be looking at the word ‘forward’ and hopefully also learning how to spell it properly along with other words such as ‘film’, ‘weaning’, ‘bowl’, and ‘tired’. Despite declaring to the world that she would be using the word forward ‘all week’, it was mentioned once more and then hasn’t been heard again, we can only presume that it’s gone to the same place as the giant bottle of water she was going to use every day, any value her house once held, and her stake in Oh Darlin’.
Apparently the renovation work they’ve been doing over the last few weeks isn’t a playroom for their cherished rainbow baby, or the realisation that the corridor masquerading as a living room is just plainly ridiculous, or just a shed of panelled walls and pampas grass as we all suspected, it is in fact a new utility room - yes, the woman whose idea of Feng Shui is to empty a cat litter tray is to decorate yet another completely pointless room in her Wacky Warehouse of a home. Incoming shots of her beaming like Stevie Wonder at a Feed the World Benefit Concert in front of some Farrow and Ball paint in 3, 2, 1…
The utility room news did however lead to her admitting that because she hasn’t got a washing machine, she has gone 4 bleeping WEEKS without washing anything. Yes, you read that correctly - 4 weeks/28 days/672 hours/almost a month/2 fortnights without washing a single item of fabric. One can only imagine the stench of the odiferous fumes being emitted from the depths of her wash basket, probably sufficient enough to act as pesticide for the entire northern hemisphere during the rainy season. Never fear though, Kate knows where the laundry shop is, and in her role as the Wirral’s self-appointed baby activity seeker, has discovered that the laundry shop is more fun that the soft play. Looking for something to stop your kids screeching and shouting and eating the whole food-shop in one day? Just find your local laundrette, take over all of the machines and the dryer, make sure there’s a pensioner in there to keep an eye on your spawn while you edit pictures of yourself on social media, and Bam! Free day out for you and all the family.
Olive proved once more that she is so incredible and special and is truly the most clever baby that ever did exist in this and all the known universes by taking her first steps AGAIN! Even though there is absolutely no documentary footage of it at all, we all know that Olive took her first steps on her first birthday in front of her whole family. However, Olive is no ordinary baby and has become the first baby to walk for the first time twice. Join us next month when she will speak for the first time for the third time and eat her first lot of food for the seventeenth time.
With all the common sense of a dog smitten with an electric fence, she decided to attend a business meeting about her makeup brand wearing no makeup, a hair mask on top of sweat drenched hair and dressed as Marjorie Dawes. The new range is coming out on 4th September, no sorry, it’s being announced on the 4th September and released for Christmas in October. Fingers crossed they’ve got the same packaging proofreaders as last time. I myself can’t wait to see her earshadow plates, fak tane gluvs, and foundaton broom.
Concert going is her hobby because she’s been to some. I am now including breaking my fingers and stepping in dog tit as hobbies because I too have done them more than once.
She spent most of Thursday doing a ‘collab’ with Glamify, a clothes company who seem to have 17 different prices for each item of clothing depending on the alignment of the planets, and a range that all looks the same but comes in all the sizes and colours. This ‘collab’ pretty much consisted of her showing us a cake and then standing in front of a mirror wearing a variety of ill-fitting coats that are perfect for the summer and made her look like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man’s Aunty Paula. See, Kate, this is what happens when you say you can fit into Zara size medium clothes when you’d actually struggle to get your hand into a Zara size medium purse - they give you clothes of the size you claim to be instead of the size you actually are.
Finally, FOUR bleeping WEEKS!!!!!
As always, Read the Wiki…
aw, my second title, I'm proud!
I really hope your real life involves some sort of comedy writing as that is some talent you have 
.