Jack Monroe #551 Careless Wispa

[SouthendRealEstate]

How can she expect us to believe she's industry group when she doesn't even make a living from cooking? Is it a grifters' industry group? She sometimes makes me feel like I'm losing the plot, then I remind myself she's bonkers.

THAT MAN!: Wassup guys. Crimbo’s coming and we need to get some airtime. I’m all over the Food Network.

Fingers K: I know, chief. If I see ‘Get ahead gravy’ once more, I’m gonna put my foot through the telly and send Jools the bill!

Mom: Hello, my tender ones. Have you heard? Adrian is working on a plan to relaunch the pixie.

Gordon: Pixie, my a. She’s done, luv. The last time I saw her, she was round the back of Petrus going through the bins. I chucked a bleeping ramekin at her and she scampered off.

THAT MAN!: Christ Gordon. Whaddya do that for? She’ll bodge that into a makeshift candle now and post pictures.

Queen Mary: I think that’s sounds like a jolly lot of hard work. Maybe we should let her into this group?

Gordon: duck that, Mary! She’s a Jonah. The merest bleeping hint of an association and they’ll want your bleeping gong back.

James: Yorkshire!

THAT MAN!: Do any of you keep an eye on the other group? It’s pukka. She messages into the early hours, waiting for someone to reply. She thinks we’re all still on there. Some nights she’s really manic but I don’t know why. It’s usually on Tuesdays.

Mom: Come now, my bastions of the culinary arts. We’ve all succumbed to the powdery flourish of a line at some point. Personally, I don’t remember 2010 at all!

Nigel: Guys, we just can’t. I’ve had LJC stay here overnight after one of our events. She’s still haunted by it all. One night I heard her screaming in her sleep, something about ‘Stop streaking!’

James: Butter!

Gordon: bleeping right, Nige. We’ve made the break, now let’s stick to it. You listening, Nigella?!

Mom: Of course, sweet one, but……..then maybe we should all cancel our Patreons?

 

[rage naan]

Street kids all follow libel battles between shoplifting and knife crimes.

Ahahaha imagine Roadman Jack, strutting up to the local yoot on the street clutching a Tupperware. "what you sayin' bruv? Wanna try a likkle Beetroot and Gorgonzola Chickpea Rissole? Dey is bare peng innit. Bare spicy. 1 gram medium chilli powder in this recipe. I woulda put in two but the small mandem is like "allow it fam, chilli powder is 2p a teaspoon in the Asda smartprice range, das too dear for our audience" I says to him "you likkle eedyat wasteman" I go "You know other supermarkets may be dearer or cheaper, I don't know, the whole country seems to think I know all the supermarket prices all the time, even though I constantly prove I have no idea and haven't grasped the concept that costing recipes the way I do I stupid. " ahem where was I? Oh yeah. Check it out, bruv. Tinned mandarin and anchovy dipping sauce. Safe."

Spoiler: Anti mlm content!

Oh the bloke is clearly a scammy twit. I’ve been watching quite a lot of anti MLM content on YouTube recently and the scams people get away with are shocking. I saw a video the other day about an MLM who held their annual convention during the height of the Covid delta variant period. Despite claiming there would be social distancing and mask wearing none of this was enforced, and at least ten people who attended the event died of Covid. The MLM then scrubbed any references to these people from their official site, and forbade their members from talking about what happened. This feels like a story that should be better known, but there are just so many scams these days that it’s just one shocking story amongst many.
Maybe Jack should start her own MLM, they could sell her tit “artwork” and body care in the form of bottles of boiled soap and flannels for drying yourself on.

Ooh I love anti mlm content. ( although I keep reading it as anti-gay-man which would obv be bad)
Any recommendations? I like Hannah Alonzo in particular.

--

 

[Darvos]

They had bake briony on the bbc morning thing talking tins today, covered nutrition, cost comparison

I held my breath I was so concerned the slop goblin would pop up. But no, not a mention of three tin tender.

@Lucy Aeroplane any updates on an slopgoblin’s attempts to dig grubby fingernails into the good (not you, Daimond Dave) trusting folk of SoS?

 

[nothanksbabes]

Aaaah! Uncle Dennis is clearing out the loft and has just found a load of Aunty Pat’s old passport photos!

Spoiler

View attachment 2576600View attachment 2576563

View attachment 2576564View attachment 2576601View attachment 2576610View attachment 2576545View attachment 2576612View attachment 2576602View attachment 2576599View attachment 2576613View attachment 2576576View attachment 2576565View attachment 2576569View attachment 2576581Oh no, that’s embarrassing! How did that RAUNCHY one get in there?!
View attachment 2576605
“HARRY!!!” View attachment 2576606

Natalie Portman's looking well.

 

[StatusWoe]

I think Hazza was probably there at least one of the times she met the Queen. Probably all of them. In fact, I’d imagine her maj rallied the whole family round to meet the amazing suck up slopcook. View attachment 2576678View attachment 2576679She’s bleeping INSUFFERABLE. This self-inflicted silence is glorious.
(ss @tattybrogan and @Griftymcgriftface)

 

[Girty Drifter]

Less than £6 on Amazon in their Black Friday deals.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Speaking of…just found and re-read her lusting over a grieving man at his granny’s memorial service.

Spoiler

Hey Enabler Carole, it’s going to be bleeping MENTAL!!!

He’s not a Royal tho

oh wait, yes he is!

And the most delightful part of the whole thing. Let’s dilute those SWARTHY Mediterranean genes with Hazza’s ginger spooge.

SO bleeping GRIM
ss @Marmalade Atkins @BlendedSlop @PickledRadish and @Griftymcgriftface
Again, I’m bleeping THRILLED she’s silent.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Take note, Guest, this is what you do when:

1. Nigella cooks one of your recipes and links to the substack it came from
2. You're travelling for a few days and can't provide the content you normally do.

 

[lilykestrel]

Speaking of…just found and re-read her lusting over a grieving man at his granny’s memorial service.

Spoiler

View attachment 2576769Hey Enabler Carole, it’s going to be bleeping MENTAL!!!View attachment 2576770He’s not a Royal tho View attachment 2576781oh wait, yes he is! View attachment 2576779View attachment 2576777And the most delightful part of the whole thing. Let’s dilute those SWARTHY Mediterranean genes with Hazza’s ginger spooge.
View attachment 2576788SO bleeping GRIM
ss @Marmalade Atkins @BlendedSlop @PickledRadish and @Griftymcgriftface
Again, I’m bleeping THRILLED she’s silent.

Imagine telling all the republicans off for their Dead Queen political takes and then, during a memorial, doing the Twitter equiv of rubbing your knees and going "phwooooar" like a dirty old pub man

 

[Darvos]

Take note, Guest, this is what you do when:

1. Nigella cooks one of your recipes and links to the substack it came from
2. You're travelling for a few days and can't provide the content you normally do.

If this is who I think it must be, mum has, in the past, shared their recipe for Gruyère and anchovy puffs, which are incredible. Reading the recipe, weirdly, didn’t make me go green and seal my knickers with gaffer tape the way reading guest’s anchovy recipe through just one squinted eye did.

 

[MooBelle]

I think Hazza was probably there at least one of the times she met the Queen. Probably all of them. In fact, I’d imagine her maj rallied the whole family round to meet the amazing suck up slopcook. View attachment 2576678View attachment 2576679She’s bleeping INSUFFERABLE. This self-inflicted silence is glorious.
(ss @tattybrogan and @Griftymcgriftface)

Like duck did she meet the Queen. We would not have heard the end of it she had.
Do we know who gave Big Choccy D his medal? She's probably counting that as meeting royalty because she was in the audience.

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Aaaah! Uncle Dennis is clearing out the loft and has just found a load of Aunty Pat’s old passport photos!

Spoiler

View attachment 2576600View attachment 2576563

View attachment 2576564View attachment 2576601View attachment 2576610View attachment 2576545View attachment 2576612View attachment 2576602View attachment 2576599View attachment 2576613View attachment 2576576View attachment 2576565View attachment 2576569View attachment 2576581Oh no, that’s embarrassing! How did that RAUNCHY one get in there?!
View attachment 2576605
“HARRY!!!” View attachment 2576606

BBUK Jenkins green hoodie 'n' glasses guest is serving me Rose West in the education block with the missing ½ GCSE.

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

Like duck did she meet the Queen. We would not have heard the end of it she had.
Do we know who gave Big Choccy D his medal? She's probably counting that as meeting royalty because she was in the audience.

Several times I’ll have you know She’s such a billy buller.

Back to the industry WhatsApp group, the imagined conversations on here by people a lot wittier than me were so funny they made me cry and I nearly needed @FunnyFuneral’s services. Sending you big love darling. Been there quite recently and it’s so difficult, my heart goes out to you.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

BBUK Jenkins green hoodie 'n' glasses guest is serving me Rose West in the education block with the missing ½ GCSE.

Speaking of complete sociopaths, had never seen this top one before. Photographic evidence (were it even necessary) that she’s always been a smug, insufferable know it all wick.

And almost a decade later remains one

 

[Girty Drifter]

Like duck did she meet the Queen. We would not have heard the end of it she had.
Do we know who gave Big Choccy D his medal? She's probably counting that as meeting royalty because she was in the audience.

There’s a picture on his very publicly open Facebook page of him with Charles, looks like it was at the ceremony.

I didn’t have to scroll very far to find it either, he’d reposted it in May this year. Was that around the time of the coronation?

 

[Livia Fantasy]

duck off has she met the queen. She won’t even lick a stamp to post some bleeping onion postcards out.

Couldn’t even get one of Shatterstone’s 2ps wedged up her crack as she’d already disappeared up her own a.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

There’s a picture on his very publicly open Facebook page of him with Charles, looks like it was at the ceremony.

Torn between this one

and this one

So just leaving them both here.

 

[Girty Drifter]

duck off has she met the queen. She won’t even lick a stamp to post some bleeping onion postcards out.

I’m sat here bored to duck and sick with covid, and I think I’ve done myself a damage laughing at this

 

[Five hundred dogs]

Ahahaha imagine Roadman Jack, strutting up to the local yoot on the street clutching a Tupperware. "what you sayin' bruv? Wanna try a likkle Beetroot and Gorgonzola Chickpea Rissole? Dey is bare peng innit. Bare spicy. 1 gram medium chilli powder in this recipe. I woulda put in two but the small mandem is like "allow it fam, chilli powder is 2p a teaspoon in the Asda smartprice range, das too dear for our audience" I says to him "you likkle eedyat wasteman" I go "You know other supermarkets may be dearer or cheaper, I don't know, the whole country seems to think I know all the supermarket prices all the time, even though I constantly prove I have no idea and haven't grasped the concept that costing recipes the way I do I stupid. " ahem where was I? Oh yeah. Check it out, bruv. Tinned mandarin and anchovy dipping sauce. Safe."

Spoiler: Anti mlm content!

Ooh I love anti mlm content. ( although I keep reading it as anti-gay-man which would obv be bad)
Any recommendations? I like Hannah Alonzo in particular.

--

Spoiler: Anti MLM

It was Savanna Marie, this is the video although it’s a hard watch, had me in tears. I’m honestly amazed this story hasn’t had more traction, I know it was a couple of years ago, but people actually died.

 

[StatusWoe]

Less than £6 on Amazon in their Black Friday deals.
View attachment 2576778

I like that Nigella's endorsement manages to compliment Jack while saying nothing about the recipes.

Jack Monroe = force for good in the world
Jack's food = force for gastrointestinal distress

Speaking of…just found and re-read her lusting over a grieving man at his granny’s memorial service.

She never manages to get the tone right, does she? Always misses the mark no matter what she's talking about.