Jack Monroe #546 Kerridge = fingers, Sir Matt = forearms

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Title by @Livia Fantasy, nominated by @MooBelle (slightly modified as emojis were not showing up properly)

You each win a plate of guest's space curry followed by a spite meringue.

Recap: Guest still being vewy vewy quiet on her socials, some have speculated on whether she might be back in rehab. Canal hero @VeniVidiVicki listened to guest's Greenbelt speech so we don't have to! Transcript here. This gave us such things to mither over as:

• Big Dave the WORKING POOR
• When guest spent two weeks making spite meringues after Leggy told her not to use brown sugar
• When guest got high on poppy seeds in a curry, forgot she's gay, and that's how SB came to be born
• When the Tories slid into guest's DMs
• When guest had boiled sweets of many colours, a bit like Joseph's famous coat (remember she's a Christian)
• Guest's late night Thai tête-à-tête with Shattenstone
• Guest is contracted for three books: a cookbook (Greek food for recovering addicts, hold the poppy seeds), the me-me-me-moir, and a secret third thing

We also had some tea from a frau/herr whose friend-of-a-friend was at the "sober rave" with guest a couple of months ago, apparently she was acting a little strangely, running in and out of the toilet, telling everyone she was anxious, and then she LEFT. Rumours of snow on the day unconfirmed

As @Valiofthedolls put it:

ありがとう( ー )ございます!

 

[DinosaurSenior]

"Thai tete a tete"

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Added to all the times she’s been INSULTED for her GREAT BEAUTY (and banging bod and hair)

EVIL TORIES only slide into Jack’s DMs at night because she’s so HAWT HAWTTY HAWT

Spoiler: Jack meeting TORIES for coffee

 

[hoopdedoo]

I bet that even kids of megarich folks like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg look longingly at things other kids have that they don't, like being able to go to the mall whenever they want to without a security detail.

Guest, someone else having something you don't is not proof that you are poor.

 

[nothanksbabes]

Added to all the times she’s been INSULTED for her GREAT BEAUTY (and banging bod and hair)View attachment 2501290View attachment 2501291View attachment 2501292View attachment 2501285EVIL TORIES only slide into Jack’s DMs at night because she’s so HAWT HAWTTY HAWT
View attachment 2501293

Spoiler: Jack meeting TORIES for coffee

View attachment 2501294

Narcissists' delusional opinion of their own appearance is endlessly hilarious. A bit of light relief from the rest of their insidious behaviour.

Guest has, at times, had the potential to be conventionally attractive, but for the middle aged headmistress after six months in the asylum haircut and total absence of any coherent fashion sense...

She's mostly just very plain, dowdy and beige despite trying very, very hard to be the opposite. It doesn't help that's she's devoid of any presence or charisma which might make up for her looking like she's dressed from the returns rail in Bon Marche. She is totally lacking in any sexiness.

 

[Jelly Bean]

It really irritates me her narrative 'I didn't realise I was poor until I mixed with other people (who sneered at me )'.
No. It doesn't mean you were poor but that other people had more money. Literally everyone could say that. We've all mixed with people who had more money than our family but it didn't make us poor. And certainly not guest from the background she describes. Comfortably off middle class. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Seaford Haggington]

It really irritates me her narrative 'I didn't realise I was poor until I mixed with other people (who sneered at me )'.
No. It doesn't mean you were poor but that other people had more money. Literally everyone could say that. We've all mixed with people who had more money than our family but it didn't make us poor. And certainly not guest from the background she describes. Comfortably off middle class. Nothing wrong with that.

Leggy's lot were culturally superior too. Guest comes from a quite a humdrum background, isn't well travelled or educated and is (a bit) gauche (darling). That doesn't make her family "poor" or even working class. The world she was briefly taken in to make up a small % of the population. Still, it must have had quite an impact on her to retcon her family as gutter dirt when they were clearly a very comfortable middle class family.

 

[MissNarcissus]

After guest’s initial weekend of work on the Voluptuous Badger Imaginings she has apparently been ‘holding her nerve’ for the past two years to see if ‘when the lime light fades and the press turn their attention to something else whether the items will disappear or jump up in price’. Unlike guest I have no insider knowledge of market economics but it comes as no surprise that in two years the cost of an Asda pear may have risen by 3p. Also, I cannot get over her delusion that she attributes Asda’s decision to bring back a food range to her twitter ramblings campaigning work.

I also enjoyed the obligatory comments about not being able to drive and ‘barely having any lightbulbs’ to explain why she couldn’t think of any other indicators of poverty than fuel, petrol and energy which like herbs are interchangeable to guest.

 

[L3moning]

Whoever mentioned alien abduction at the end of the last thread, that comes under "stop giving Jack ideas", I think.

 

[Livia Fantasy]

While I’d love to celebrate a hat-trick, and run round the kitchen twirling my shirt over my head (yellow card), credit to @Kittypops for the thread title who said it in reply to me getting confused about TV chefs

And thank you @StewPots

 

[BeardyBap]

Coming from the end of the previous thread with a theory about Holy Tony, who she hints may have been an AA friend guiding her softly, gently, tenderly back to God. I do wonder if this conversation took place at the breakfast table after a particularly heavy night?
OK, it's not a theory as such, I just think we shouldn't discount the possibility that Tony may be a cartoon tiger.

 

[Livia Fantasy]

Coming from the end of the previous thread with a theory about Holy Tony, who she hints may have been an AA friend guiding her softly, gently, tenderly back to God.

Surely even He is of sound enough mind to tell her to duck off

 

[SleevelessSlopSlinger]

Her dress sense is very “I did a forward roll through a charity shop” isn’t it?

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Coming from the end of the previous thread with a theory about Holy Tony, who she hints may have been an AA friend guiding her softly, gently, tenderly back to God. I do wonder if this conversation took place at the breakfast table after a particularly heavy night?
OK, it's not a theory as such, I just think we shouldn't discount the possibility that Tony may be a cartoon tiger.

I was not expecting that last sentence, I proper Muttley laughed.
Chapeau, tenderBap.

 

[UnPickled]

Just read the greenbelt talk - The way she talks about that school makes it sound like it was full of oligarchs kids or something just because it was selective entry. I was never intimidated inviting my normal friends to my normal house, because the vast majority of them also lived in normal houses?! I had to double check on Google maps I wasn't misremembering and everyone else was living in mansions or something, but no, almost everyone I knew from that school lived in a three bed semi. Their parents had jobs like teachers, and nurses and freaking firemen. She wasn't an 'other' there for being 'poor'.

I'm sure a few of them were pretty loaded, but if you think about it logically for just a second, which mega-rich person would look at London, with it's top fee-paying schools and think 'I'd actually prefer an hours commute to my city banker job, the kid will be fine at the free grammar school'. It's maddening.

 

[Mrs Peel]

I'm another one who thinks guest is in some form of rehab. Unfortunately I think it has less to do with addiction and more to do with using it as a tool to get sympathy when she finally resurfaces.

That said, if she's in rehab and truly trying to get help then I hope it's successful.

 

[Kittypops]

While I’d love to celebrate a hat-trick, and run round the kitchen twirling my shirt over my head (yellow card), credit to @Kittypops for the thread title who said it in reply to me getting confused about TV chefs

And thank you @StewPots

Ah, it's OK, you probably don't know this, but I've been working behind the scenes on a thread title for some time now, I just don't like to talk about it as I'm well-known for upstaging thread-titlers, so I just quietly, sleeves-down, get thread titles done.

 

[Mr Jim]

Surely even He is of sound enough mind to tell her to duck off

Did she also out Ed Sheeran as an AA member earlier in that answer?

 

[StewPots]

Wonder what the sideboard hoarding eejit is up to today?

Yomping down to Asda with her backpack and “ouchy bones” ready to mark down in her moleskine notbook that malted milk biscuits now cost 7p more than they did in 2011?

Collecting the data from the moleskine notebook ready to pile it into the Very Bollocksausage Interim?

Making herself a dish of steak and anchovies or whatever other horror she can find to pair with steak…perhaps 40 tramadol?

Setting herself up as a Rubén’s painting on the sofa in pOrTRaiT mOdE and pretend “bae caught her napping”?

Or in rehab, ready to milk that for all it’s worth and NOT do a massive mea culpa and refund people the money she effectively stole?

Excuse my cynical tone about rehab - but it’s Jack, and whilst I sincerely hope she’s getting help for her many issues if she is in rehab, I can’t see her sticking to treatment and making the changes she needs to in order to be a normal human being. I can however see her going straight to the Guardian, and pleading for a massive “woe is me” article ( with a tip jar rattle at the end, to ease the conscious of the idiots that eat up her utter bullshit )….

 

[Livia Fantasy]

Have there been any tremors in Southend recently? Can someone check with whatever the british earthquake equivalent of NASA is? Maybe she finally ripped one of those gas radiators off the wall, and a concerned well-wisher will find her asleep and bloated, high on the smell of her own farts.

Oh, hang on..,