Jack Monroe #538 Cyrano de Bergerjack

traumatised sideboard · Aug 24, 2023

Thread title is by @MaineCoonMama nominated by @TrolleyParton congrats, you both win a breakfast dead dog spite bowl (recipe coming soon).

In the previous thread, guest went on a massive Instagram deletion spree, presumably after Adrian had soft and gentle words with her. We also did Jack as muppets. The Fringe talk has still not been uploaded. Tick tock, Graham. This talk isn't going to mither over itself.

Please use the words 'thread title' when nominating one, double please no swearing. Wiki is the pink button up top.

Valiofthedolls · Aug 24, 2023

RIP Insta breakfast dead dog spite bowl.

Regular readers will know that I recently wrote a special poem based on one of Jack’s tit poems about her love being like garlic, and which I now re-immortalize here in honour of prize-winning

@MaineCoonMama and

@TrolleyParton

My love is like a smoothie bowl,
As big as your head.
With bananas, milk, yogurt,
And your dog on it, dead.

Actually, as at least one of you is a cat person, perhaps you could go sharesies on this one too before heading off on a celebratory 50 mile bike ride together.

I don’t know why it’s in a litter tray, but you can figure that out amongst yourselves I guess

Smoothie bowl ss by the great @Marmalade Atkins
ETA Oh bleeping hell, sorry sorry sorry I didn’t read it again before posting and I forgot to WARNED you all about the “wife you right up”

part.

plentyofpepper · Aug 24, 2023

Valiofthedolls said:
RIP Insta breakfast dead dog spite bowl.
View attachment 2402647

Regular readers will know that I recently wrote a special poem based on one of Jack’s tit poems about her love being like garlic, and which I now re-immortalize here in honour of prize-winning @MaineCoonMama and @TrolleyParton

My love is like a smoothie bowl,
As big as your head.
With bananas, milk, yogurt,
And your dog on it, dead.

Actually, as at least one of you is a cat person, perhaps you could go sharesies on this one too before heading off on a celebratory 50 mile bike ride together.

I don’t know why it’s in a litter tray, but you can figure that out amongst yourselves I guess View attachment 2402655

Smoothie bowl ss by the great @Marmalade Atkins
Oh bleeping hell, sorry I didn’t read it again before posting and I forgot to WARNED you all about the “wife you right up” part. SORRY

‘Morning honey! I made you a smoothie bowl with the exact likeness of your dead pet on it, you know, the dead pet from your childhood that you had the audacity to love more than you love me? Yeah, that one! Anyway, bon appetite!!’

Limey · Aug 24, 2023

plentyofpepper said:
‘Morning honey! I made you a smoothie bowl with the exact likeness of your dead pet on it, you know, the dead pet from your childhood that you had the audacity to love more than you love me? Yeah, that one! Anyway, bon appetite!!’

She's done some terrible, TERRIBLE tit over the years, but the dead dog slop bowl has to be Top 10.

pumbilical cord · Aug 24, 2023

Is it red onion on the dead dog's dead bum vom bowl of slop?

VeniVidiVicki · Aug 24, 2023

Limey said:
She's done some terrible, TERRIBLE tit over the years, but the dead dog slop bowl has to be Top 10.

Closely followed by naming the sickly kitten after the dead dog.

Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction has nothing on her

Valiofthedolls · Aug 25, 2023

pumbilical cord said:
Is it red onion on the dead dog's dead bum vom bowl of slop?

That is, I believe, a very unwell-looking passion fruit that has possibly been ~~fished out of a bin already chewed~~ found in a skip or puddle.

Potatoes O’Houlihan · Aug 25, 2023

My profile pic proudly preserves the dead dog slop bowl in perpetuity so never fear, ninnies

MaineCoonMama · Aug 25, 2023

I'd like to donate my slop bowl prize to the nuclear plant in Lucas Heights, NSW as they have the facilities to dispose of it in the safest manner.

freya · Aug 25, 2023

I’m still grunking the last thread so forgive where this lands but both my SBs birthdays are within 5 days of mine (they’re after) and I don’t tend to celebrate mine because I genuinely am planning theirs and I don’t whinge about it (I prefer it, I reckon it means I don’t age). They’ve only once ever had a joint birthday party and that was when the youngest was too young to remember. It’s also around the most expensive time of year for most watermeloning fraus so no one gives a duck (I’m sorry, I don’t know how to fade it out) about a 30-something year-old’s birthday anyway. She’s so selfish and bitter about her only child. It’s unbearable.

Ms Biscuit · Aug 25, 2023

Things Jack Resents
(an incomplete list)

-- Spending money to provide medical professionals with iPads for their work. Harumph. Let them use sticky notes and glitter pens.

-- A long-deceased retriever that her girlfriend had the nerve to care about.

-- Her son, for having the temerity to be born too close to her own birthday and making it all about HIMSELF.

-- Jamie Oliver, for existing.

-- People who respond with advice and suggestions when she solicits advice and suggestions. Don't you get it? She's already tried EVERYTHING, she's done it all, there's nothing she isn't already an expert on!

I'm sure I'm forgetting something. . . .

Valiofthedolls · Aug 25, 2023

Ms Biscuit said:
Things Jack Resents
(an incomplete list)

-- Spending money to provide medical professionals with iPads for their work. Harumph. Let them use sticky notes and glitter pens.

-- A long-deceased retriever that her girlfriend had the nerve to care about.

-- Her son, for having the temerity to be born too close to her own birthday and making it all about HIMSELF.

-- Jamie Oliver, for existing.

-- People who respond with advice and suggestions when she solicits advice and suggestions. Don't you get it? She's already tried EVERYTHING, she's done it all, there's nothing she isn't already an expert on!

I'm sure I'm forgetting something. . . .

People who own their houses and do not have to RENT.

HotesTilaire · Aug 25, 2023

Limey said:
She's done some terrible, TERRIBLE tit over the years, but the dead dog slop bowl has to be Top 10.

Compiling the “top 10 worst things she’s done” would just be every canal Frau repeatedly listing the same 20 or so worst things in a slightly different order, over and over. Like those tedious fantasy Cabinet lists on twixxer.
Number 7 - biting the arse off SB’s treat dinosaur biscuit, Number 5 working for Del Monte Number 3 - falsely publicly alleging Big D illegally fired decommissioned WWII artillery in a residential street…kitten…SB…LJC…ad infinitum

Valiofthedolls · Aug 25, 2023

Yeah, she without doubt could be a model but the ONLY reason she isn’t a model is because she’s too short. That’s definitely the only reason she’s not out there Cindy Crawfording it up, Times journalist.

Oh Times journalist, guessing that’s a story you heard direct from Jack. not from the “couple of model agencies that said her face was right”.

I'm not actually here · Aug 25, 2023

I've got this need to do what my second piano teacher did which was to hold a yard ruler under my wrists to lift them up off the keyboard. Those hanging wrists, dropping down to her knees, are an abomination.

As with everything though, she will have now completed it mate and so... I'd like to suggest that we here in the canal have failed abysmally (as does she with everything) to spot her next re-branding...... Concert pianist. Proms 2024, here she comes.
---

Valiofthedolls said:
View attachment 2402771 View attachment 2402772 View attachment 2402752Yeah, she without doubt could be a model but the ONLY reason she isn’t a model is because she’s too short. That’s definitely the only reason she’s not out there Cindy Crawfording it up, Times journalist.

View attachment 2402763

View attachment 2402764 View attachment 2402765 View attachment 2402768

Oh Times journalist, guessing that’s a story you heard direct from Jack. not from the “couple of model agencies that said her face was right”.

The couple of model agencies were those dodgy geysers who used to hang around Soho, Neal's Yard etc and offer you 50 nicker to come take a couple of pics in their studio for a portfolio, innit? She's a clueless, lying bleep who can't cook and can't even lie very well either.

However, long may it continue because however much she deletes, we haz receipts to keep us amused far into our dotage...

<digs in to the amazingly funny canal for the next decade or two>

Valiofthedolls · Aug 25, 2023

~~Public~~ Grifter service announcement from the more upstanding members of Southend’s first family.

People-huv-tae-know · Aug 25, 2023

Ms Biscuit said:
Things Jack Resents
(an incomplete list)

-- Spending money to provide medical professionals with iPads for their work. Harumph. Let them use sticky notes and glitter pens.

-- A long-deceased retriever that her girlfriend had the nerve to care about.

-- Her son, for having the temerity to be born too close to her own birthday and making it all about HIMSELF.

-- Jamie Oliver, for existing.

-- People who respond with advice and suggestions when she solicits advice and suggestions. Don't you get it? She's already tried EVERYTHING, she's done it all, there's nothing she isn't already an expert on!

I'm sure I'm forgetting something. . . .

Induction hobs, she resents them for being too fiddly or some such nonsense. Before she was on sloppy savers there was a rant about having to use one in a stunt kitchen. bleep in a stunt kitchen would be a great cookbook title.

Valiofthedolls · Aug 25, 2023

HotesTilaire said:
Compiling the “top 10 worst things she’s done” would just be every canal Frau repeatedly listing the same 20 or so worst things in a slightly different order, over and over. Like those tedious fantasy Cabinet lists on twixxer.
Number 7 - biting the arse off SB’s treat dinosaur biscuit, Number 5 working for Del Monte Number 3 - falsely publicly alleging Big D illegally fired decommissioned WWII artillery in a residential street…kitten…SB…LJC…ad infinitum

The top 10 worst things she’s ever said would be a pretty easy one too (if horrendously traumatic for all here) what with the tomatoes she’s growing, what her hands “do”, all the wife-ing right up, the

, numerous sex pastas, that’s not my \/ (it’s my chubby lil thighs) and the ovary-artery anchovy butter etc etc.

Then there’s Jack Monroe’s ten most dreadful contributions to the arts, with her innumerable shite contributions to poetry, song, piano plonking, “amateur modelling” and home crafts. Actually that one could probably be a top 50. I don’t think ten is enough.

Lazarus · Aug 25, 2023

Ms Biscuit said:
Things Jack Resents
(an incomplete list)

-- Spending money to provide medical professionals with iPads for their work. Harumph. Let them use sticky notes and glitter pens.

-- A long-deceased retriever that her girlfriend had the nerve to care about.

-- Her son, for having the temerity to be born too close to her own birthday and making it all about HIMSELF.

-- Jamie Oliver, for existing.

-- People who respond with advice and suggestions when she solicits advice and suggestions. Don't you get it? She's already tried EVERYTHING, she's done it all, there's nothing she isn't already an expert on!

I'm sure I'm forgetting something. . . .

Landlords who, unlike Jack’s dad (who charges peppercorn rates only), charge market value.

SouthendRealEstate · Aug 25, 2023

Valiofthedolls said:
The top 10 worst things she’s ever said would be a pretty easy one too (if horrendously traumatic for all here) what with the tomatoes she’s growing, what her hands “do”, all the wife-ing right up, the , numerous sex pastas, that’s not my \/ (it’s my chubby lil thighs) and the ovary-artery anchovy butter etc etc.

Then there’s Jack Monroe’s ten most dreadful contributions to the arts, with her innumerable shite contributions to poetry, song, piano plonking, “amateur modelling” and home crafts. Actually that one could probably be a top 50. I don’t think ten is enough.

Maybe the anchovy butter had such a profound effect on her cos it’s reminiscent of what she smells like in real life