Jack Monroe #478 “Well perhaps you should have kept your legs shut!” chortled Thomas

[jenny2603]

Thanks for bringing back happy memories of my munch bunch lunch box.

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On topic: LOL at SB's alleged reaction to the chess champ revelation. I'll learn from you oh mother dear, said no kid ever.

Her conversations with SB are so obviously made up, I'm beginning to doubt the boys existence. #SBTruther

SB: Good Morning, MotherFather. I tire of my hoop and stick, can you suggest some other spiffing activities to keep from out under your feet whilst you do good works amongst the poor?
Jack: Have you scrubbed the entire house with a toothbrush and pressed your sailor suit like I asked you?
SB: Yes, MotherFather. I was up at 5am sharp completing my chores. I have also taken Content for a bimble, read the Bible and polished the knocker.
Jack: Then my boy, as a special treat, I propose that you allow me to beat you at chess.
SB: Oh MotherFather, this is even more exciting than making memories AND wild camping put together. I really am the luckiest fictional Victorian child in the world.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

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(Praise beans to @Marmalade Atkins for the nice collage (TM))

I wish we had some new content so I could make another nice collage.

Here's a couple from the archives instead. This was a BBC News appearance:

And this was a live stream for the British Library:

Oh fuck it, one more. Here she is on This Morning:

I am absolutely not sorry for this repeat posting.

 

[Geetbo]

List of people Jack thinks she looks like:
Natalie Portman
Eva Green
Keira Knightley
Ruby Rose

List of people Jack actually looks like:
Middle stage Daniella Westbrook
Those creepy birds with massive beaks.
Assorted fish.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

We had special tickets, not unlike raffle tickets and a separate queue for our FSM. Very conspicuous and choice was lacking as we went last. I hated it. I'm glad it's different now, children have anonymity. At my eldests's high school everyone is issued with a lunch card and only the pastoral staff know who is FSM, even the canteen staff don't know. Jack has no idea or sympathy. She was more concerned with her glory than she was about starving children in 2021.

We have more issues with the kids whose parents 'forget' to put lunch money on ParentPay than with FSM issues - the kids come and see us if they've been told there's nothing on their account (so nobody can tell they're FSM or not). We usually say 'Do you want me to call Mum/whoever to ask her to put some money in?' and the answer usually gives us a clue whether there might be a problem. Whatever happens, the next thing we do is say something like 'Ah, there's probably a glitch in the system, let's pop down to the kitchen so we can make sure you get some lunch' - the kitchen manager knows that a 'glitch in the system' means 'Please feed this child' and will also frequently bring them down if she's seen somebody not getting food or a friend buying it for them more than twice, saying 'Hi, Miss, I think there might be a glitch in the system with Jessica's account, can you check please?'

(tappity-tap-tap)

'Oh, yes, looks like there might be. Could she have lunches whilst we sort it out, please?'. So they always get fed.

We also occasionally get calls asking why an account has gone down so quickly - when we look at what's been bought, it's pretty easy to work out what's going on 'Um, could she be buying food for somebody else as well? It's a very kind thing to do if she is, but we'd like to see if one of her friends needs some help, so maybe you could ask her tonight and let us know in the morning?' Nobody's ever been angry about that - we do check if they've been spoken to the next day - and it's helped us pick up family financial issues quickly. It's all done very privately, other than the breezy 'Oh, it'll be a glitch'.


It's many miles (and years) away from the crap we had to deal with at school.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Sorry for sharing something with her old name, but I wonder if this is legit? If so, it shows that she really did always want to be famous.

https://www.starnow.com/u/melhadjicostas/

ETA.

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

Jack: what’s your favourite pen?
squigg: I have a handmade pen crafted by a blind Italian artisan who has been dead for 20 years. The wood was turned by extinct butterflies using wood from the Ark. The metal comes from a secret tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh, melted with dragon fire. The ink is watered down with the tears of angels.
Jack: I’VE GOT 2 OF THEM!

 

[stunrw]

There are tribes in the amazon as yet to be discovered who know who her last shag was

 

[DianeAbbotsMojito]

"I was arsked to do Mastermind yew know but I said no. It's just not fair on the other contestants is it? I was winning specialist subject quizzes all over the South East at age 4, competing against octogenarian academics and all sorts. I beat them all. One of them went to their grave heartbroken that he'd been beaten by a reception year child. SB has got the Master Mind board game and every other weekend week at least once he'll say to me, come on MamaPapa, let's get the knowledge game out. He knows I'll beat him but he does it to see the lights go on in my eyes and then he says wait there MamaPapa, stay like that. Let me get my camera out, you look the perfect mix of intellect and unearthly beauty. I let him win once and he said MamaPapa, please don't patronise me and I said to him patronising means when someone explains something that you already know in a condescending way, did you know that?"

 

[PoorPatrol]

Ballet, chess, karate, piano…there’s nothing wrong with a child doing any or all of these, but they’re achingly middle class.

What makes them middle class is that she did ~all~ of them for (she claims) years and years across the same time period to a (she claims) high level. That’s a hell of a lot of a) parent time and effort/running about, and b) money.

I come from very humble beginnings, v working class. My kids do lots of clubs and are tutored in anything they like or enjoy or struggle with. It’s a massive privilege, and I’m doing it with the conscious knowledge that I am giving them advantages over some of their peers and yeah it makes me feel a bit gross.

My kids won’t be able to piggyback off of my class and then wherever they get to in life be talking about dragging themselves up and whatever. That’s not how they’re living. It’s really gross that Jack not only lies about her adult life, but also pretends to have had very little growing up and has essentially tried to convince her audience that she grew up poor.

Multiple high level extracurriculars, grammar, home owning parents, multiple holidays a year including (according to Big E) a month per year at a hotel in Cyprus. Land Rover, business owning grandparents, landlords. Come on now, Jack! If your parents really were missing meals, they’re as dire with money as you are.

 

[Geetbo]

Her autism cosplay really fucks me off. Just the way she describes it, as if its inhuman to be autistic. Vile bitch.

 

[moaningmyrtle24]

You can't leave it at that. Was she the bestest karate doing smol pixie evah?

Absolutely. Also she did this a couple of days a week iirc so not sure how she fit everything else in, as someone else mentioned above.
Obviously she was actually pretty average and wanted to mess about with the guys rather than train which I remember eye rolling at. (I am massively outing myself to Jack reading this I feel ha)

 

[lilykestrel]

I was just thinking about the time Jack revealed to the world that Marilyn Monroe's birth name was Norma JeanE and everyone on these threads was like OMG! NO WAYYYYY! WHO KNEW! ALSO, SOMEBODY SHOULD WRITE A SONG ABOUT THAT!

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I looked up the original tweet because I am very confused and wanted to know the book (still none the wiser) but this exchange

"OH I WAS ASKED TO DO THAT TOO, HONEST!"

 

[Veronicaaa]

The Guardian has managed to slip a reference to Jack into an article about Nicola Bulley??? https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/feb/17/nicola-bulley-police-lancashire-mistake

Now if I was a paper who had actively participated in Jack's scams to the point of linking to her dodgy crowdfunders I'd probably keep quiet about her when it's all coming to light

 

[Jelly Bean]

'Very photogenic'
Obviously

(Thanks @Marmalade Atkins).

 

[MoistenedGussets]

New merch... Get em whilst they're extortionately priced... And remember 10% of ever t-shirt goes to the same place as the other 90%, my pocket.

*Price reduced due to unfortunate spelling error. It says champion, it should read "Participant"

 

[HotesTilaire]

-Jack proved that people who use bible references in arguments and get huffy going on about being Christian are the least Christian
-Jack has been aiming for a DhOTY award by telling us made up conversations she’s been having with SB
-Parenting is FINALLY paying out as SB showed a slight interest in Chess which Jack is the best at and is her “thing” finally he wants to do things she likes. Not like when he wanted to do all that other stuff like support LFC or visit Tanzania or do photography and take pics of Jack
-Squigs have been on good form. One has issued a legal letter before action (Jack could now use it as a template to write to 30p Lee?) Lawyer Squig wrote a thread on why Jack was wrong in the reasons she gave for begging for legal fund donations, and one wag gave her the instructions on how to pause her patreon.
-Content has saved Jack so much money, apparently. The canal mithered that Content is working 120hr weeks down pit, online or managing a hedge fund.

 

[Serafina Pekkala]

Yeah you know she took her packed lunch to school in a branded lunch box (like My Little Pony. What was 90’s?) not in a washed out ice cream container

Dearhearts,
I am coming from the past to say that when my youngest was a baby, too young to talk, I sent him to nursery with his packed lunch in a recycled Stork tub. Only I pulled the wrong tub out of the fridge and sent him with a packet of crisps and an actual tub of margarine...🫣
Very embarrassing at pick up time I can tell you...
As you were...

 

[5Alive]

Grunking (well, attempting to) and saw this...

now, with serious danger of softly, gently 'ing myself, I've been chatting with Josiah over the past few days.... in fact, with most of the Byline team...

 

[Livia Fantasy]

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Thread title from @Mr Krabs nominated by @Emmapism. Congrats to the both of you, your prize is front row seats to the Tattle trial which will definitely be held now that the crack team of paralegals is on it again. Honorary mention for @Valiofthedolls nominating a squig for 'a fraud who sells poverty porn alongside the world's worst recipes to middle-class Guardian readers', I wasn't convinced we'd be allowed to have porn in the title.

In the last thread Bible Jack made an unwelcome entry, presumably finally catching up to her Mormon church sister-wife look.

Wiki is the pink button up top for newbies. When nominating a thread title please use the words 'thread title' and NO SWEARING. I don't know why I'm bothering to write that, it's inevitable.