See when I talk about these places being full of housewives it’s basically:
Women know your place
Go fuck yourself. I have a job, a professional one thanks. I don’t see why anyone should be able to be able to say anything they want online without being questioned. Why is that okay?
She still eats vegan over half the time!? When every single fucking bowl of slop she's posted over the last year (at least) has been brimming with fish, eggs, lard and low-welfare meat?
Thank(space)you! Been lurking for ages so I know the lingo. Came here to nose at the Jameela Jamil threads, saw Jack Monroe had quite a few (!) and as I’d had an aversion to her bullshit for quite some time I realised I’d found my people.
@Switchstreetz What a magnificent gunk this morning. It has taken me all morning to read the awards and all the fantastic comments. I have very little to add that hasn't already been said, but each and every one is right, it was amazing this year. I have been laughing all morning. I was sensible enough to have my coffee and cereal first, I just knew that I would be hooting and fizzing along and didn't want another coffee out the nose incident.
By her own rationale her column shouldn't exist, because, though I'm not a regular reader, she writes about domestic, 'fluffy' stuff, rather than scathing exposes.
I mean, I would write about politics and try to expose the seedy underbelly of Westminster, but I’m not the one with a fucking Times column. I’m just some idiot with a free Tattle account.
There have been some absolutely first class lols tonight and with the cash donations pouring in to foodbanks (so they can buy what they actually need), it's possible that Thread 230 alone has done more good for those in need than Jack Monroe has managed in her entire life.
I'm starting to wonder whether there's some sort of mass mercury poisoning event going on with these daft squigs. I'd rather dine at Typhoid Mary's than visit Jack's coolinary establishment.
Sorry to keep you waiting! (*insert eye of sauron here as I rush around late*)
The 2nd annual Sloppies are upon us, I hope they meet your expectations! There's a 'fancy' version (which should be mobile phone friendly this year!) and I've also included a plain text version spoilered below. Enjoy xxx
Seems like just yesterday we were all celebrating the first Sloppies, yet here we are once again, with an honestly frightening amount of nominations to choose between.
This year 395 of you voted! We've had memes, we've had songs, and we've certainly had a hell of a lot of content relating to tinned fish, but though there's been ups and downs the community spirit of the cabal has remained as strong as ever.
What makes these threads so popular are you all, with your wit, your well honed photoshop skills and your combined breadth of knowledge - spanning everything from cooking to behind the scenes in TV (thanks Emmapism!) and even to how to pay your taxes on time!
Honestly, it's a pleasure on a horrid winter's night to grab a hot drink and settle down for a nice grunk, so I just want to thank each and every one of you mithering ninnies who've posted on the thread this year in advance, I wish I had the time and space to shout you all out individually. (unless you work on an oil rig, then I'm afraid you're disqualified mate.)
Without further ado, I present the Sloppies 2021, please scroll through at your own peril, and I hope you enjoy it dear hearts x
We start with The Eye of Sauron Award for Best Public Appearance. Yes, Jack did actually have public appearances this year, some of them she even deigned to turn up to on time!
5th Place: The nightmare fuel that was, the 2020 Daily Express Xmas dinner article (7.7%)
4th Place: BBC news "Boris is disingenuous" interview (8.2%)
3rd Place: Diva.pdf (10.2%)
2nd Place: Labour Conference (13.1%)
1st Place... The live cooking of "Upside down pineapple chicken" for Del Monte. With 56.6% of the vote this was the clear winner!
Moving on to the Golden Grifty award, where we celebrate one poor urchin's ability to ceaselessly hoard designer items and stockpile a never ending stream of overpriced brands from John Lewis, whilst simultaneously claiming she can't afford rent/butter.
6th place - being completely unbothered that she'd lost her laptop and hadn't seen it for 5 weeks (4.6%)
5th place - Purchasing the £300 designer suit from her Diva.pdf photoshoot (4.8%)
4th place - Posting crisps and chocolate on a whim to strangers in Australia (10.6%)
3rd place - 2021 Halloween - the premium brand name boiler suit purchased to immediately dye pink & only wear once, and who can forget the £35 (35 quid?!) two headed dog. That's £17.50 per head - I bet Jack's patreon DREAMS of that kind of figure. (11.4%)
2nd place - Lip fillers (11.6%)
and in 1st Place.. 16 weeks in a posh aparthotel, with a fully stocked minifridge (50.4%)
.
For those moments that have us hooting or howling, fizzing or fuming - it's the best chaos category!
5th Place: Prising off a Tile glued to the floor of a train, claiming it was hers that she lost the week before. Can you imagine the germ 'fauna' under her fingernails after that event?! (7.9%)
4th Place: Trying to start a pile on against staff of a school online (14.2%). This one ended in a humiliating climb down, where someone we very strongly suspect was not Jack, used Jack's twitter to post an apology.
They put a space in thankyou, that's incontravertible evidence of body snatching!
3rd Place: The crying selfie begging Rish mate for cash. Fraus, if we want our username changes back you now know what to do - get those crocodile tears flowing. Or perhaps not, since unfortunately Rishi never deigned to respond. (18.8%)
2nd Place: The Linda McCartney collab - VIVA LA VIGGLES, THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE IGTELEVISED. (24.9%)
1st Place... The Go Henry Debacle (27.5%) just clinched the victory, and can we all put our Russell Brands together to give Go Henry's social media team a mini round of applause for that day?
The award for "most useless or actively detrimental advice"
5th place: Slow cooker bubble bath - waste hours of your life and electricity to make an inferior
product, which ends up costing more than a simple bottle of Radox (8.4%)
4th place: Put a baking sheet over your sink to keep the washing up water warm (10.2%)
3rd place: Dryer fluff from the washing machine to be used as firelighters - you could even put them in one of her METAL tin can candle holders, what could possibly go wrong. (14.5%)
Are we sure she doesn't have shares in some sort of fire extinguisher company?
2nd place: Recommending a prune cake she made, with a high sugar content, for diabetics. (22.7%)
1st place: ...Yes, the disgusting suggestion to save fish oil from different types of tinned fish, and store them all in one bottle for an undisclosed period of time, just snagged the top spot with 23.0%. As shocking as the avatars Lanie inflicts on us (we love them really), the award goes to this absolutely gag-worthy advice from Jack.
Our tireless Kachoochoo continues to maintain The List, the Herculean task of recording every "coming soon" recipe, task or content promised by Jack. The vast majority of items on the list fail to materialise, forgotten by Jack herself and the squiggles soon after.
You voted on the most urgent item still outstanding.
5th place: Jack's column for the advertorial masquerading as a mental health magazine "The Breakdown" since her regular column was announced she has written a grand total of *checks notes* zero articles. (1.5%)
4th place: Drawing of mom's garden (3%) imagine if we see it pinned to the front of Nigella's fridge in her next TV series.
3rd place: The long awaited household management book (6.6%). I for one would pay through the nose to see the 2020 draft of this book (if it exists) as the tips we did get to see were utterly bizarre, and that's putting it mildly. e.g. hair as firelighters, mixing oregano, rosemary & other herbs into one milk bottle because all herbs "are interchangeable." If those were her "best" ones I would love to see the reject pile.
Frying pans as hats on a rainy day to keep your head dry? Jumpers for goalposts? Tragically, this book may never see the light of day. #ReleasetheMonroeCut
2nd place: The granola recipe (13.4%) when will Tunnel's suffering end?!
and the winner is...
With 74.4% there was a clear consensus - pay your taxes Jack, or Flash's avatar will team up with the onion police in their investigation! Just give them a ring please, you're stressing us out mate! The HMRC hold music is actually kind of a bop?
Intermission!
I've created a "cabal crossword" at https://crosswordlabs.com/view/2021-12-12-200 tragically I cannot ship you a lion bar, but first person to complete it gets eternal bragging rights.
She's 10, she's 32. Her hair is grey, her hair is brown. Her eyes are brown, no, blue, no wait they're black. Jack contains legions (of pupils).
We celebrate the most bizarre of her wonky eared &
photoshopped "no filter" self portraits tonight.
4th & 5th place: We have our first tie on the Sloppies! The Pleather Blazer look, and her Autumn/Winter 2021 selfie about the light behind her eyes ( it's all a bit 'Village of the Damned') both captured 6.1% of the vote!
3rd place: Cringey meme selfie in SB's sweater. (11.5%) Thanks to the blank template made by Traumatised Sideboard this meme took over an entire thread, most fun we've had since the inspirational memes!
2nd place: The crying Rish mate selfie took home the silver with 19.3% so hopefully that will put a smile on their face!
and the winner is... dib dab schoolboy takes home the bacon (porridge,) with 34.9% of the vote!
Pictured above, Bridge Jack on a nice day out at Newcastle Quayside - seven bridges, one for every slow cooker she owns! Anyways, this is the award for best/most outrageous lie, and was also the award with the most options to choose between. Need I say anything more.
6th place: Finishing an interview with the BBC by meekly calling Boris "disingenuous" then post-interview jumping straight onto twitter and claiming the interview had to be cut off early because she called Boris a liar. (5.6%)
5th place: Those magic pringles eh? Amazing how just a can of spicy crisps can replicate the effect of lip fillers. (6.1%)
4th Place: Claims to "use Pythagoras' theorem every day" but has not yet elaborated on why, precisely, she would be doing that. (6.6%) Though if true then this does give credence to her claims of being an expert at triangulating...
3rd place: The lying about not having a toaster, when her posh toaster was clearly visible in videos/photos of the kitchen. A weird and pointless lie. (10.4%)
2nd place: Jack with COVID and a very woolly timeline. From having COVID, to having long COVID, to being on the mend, to still being ill - all in the space of less than 2 weeks. (20.8%)
and the winner is... Another win for GoHenry! They take home their 2nd trophy of the night with 27.4% of the vote. Sadly I imagine their social media rep wouldn't understand a word of the Sloppies, but shout out to Go Henry squiggle if you're reading!
"When Jack Monroe is a clown,
with her food that's all brown,that's a mole.
Since I had to look through,
all this slop, you do too,
that's a mole.
I've described down below
horrid photos by Monroe
that's a moleeeee"
Sorry, I know you're not getting the full visual experience by not being able to see the results but look on the bright side - you don't have to look at Jack's slop. I did. I had to look at so much of it when I was putting this award together that I think I'm scarred for life. I don't ever want to eat a curry or stew or soup again.
Don't tell the fancy site readers though, this is just between us, the more down to earth plain-text Sloppies readers. They may have photos, animations, and lots of different fonts - but we have each other Comrade. and emojis! I couldn't work out how to do emojis on the site
6th Place: (polish sausage with yogurt and mustard and leeks) I don't want to look at this for a minute longer than I have to. Bellends & yogurt got 3.6% let's move on
5th place: Why are so many Jack captions with her food really off putting? Talk of being ill, or using words like "goo" "ephemera" "fat sodden" bleghhhhh. Her miso & yakitori garnered 5.3%
4th place: 7.1% for the prune cake and I really hope no Diabetics took her advice to make this.
3rd place: The scariest pud received 18.1% of the vote. May the image of that xmas pudding, stuck fast in set custard with 2 sad little sparklers fizzing away, haunt us all forever. The background noise surely will if nothing else.
2nd place: Produced as part of her contraversial team up with Linda McCartney, this curry was not popular with commenters, but clearly it was a hit with you all - coming 2nd with 19.8%
and the winner is... Nearly a year on, the horror of Jack's Daily Express Christmas spread has clearly not left you. Winning with 34.4% of the vote, if you ever decide to dig out your old copy of the Daily Express, viewer discretion is advised
.
Every Frau who took part in recreating a JM original over the past 12 months deserves recognition (and a medal of bravery tbh) but who will be the one to take home our very first Golden Pineapple award, for best recreation of a Jack Monroe recipe?
whoops don't know what happened there, please ignore the ominous porridge smell in your hallway.
The winner is Hotes Oats!
Congratulations Hotes! You win the very first Golden Pineapple award. Fill it with tampons, sweets, more of Hotes' Oats, whatever your heart desires. You could even use it for trifle, if you find serving it from a rusty light-fitting a bit gauche.
Well this is it, the final award of the evening - the Silver Poca Plate award. Named for 3 fraus - Silver Linings, Pocahontas & Alansbigplate - who helped popularise the threads and kept them going back in ye olde days of 2020.
It's time to recognise 2021's honorary Frau/Herr of the year.
6th & 7th place: Terry the Sparrow & Badger the sheep took (2.6%) each. I'm sorry Badger! Please don't ransack Sloppies HQ!
5th place: Mr Kachoochoo (3.1%)
4th place: The Moon App (4.9%)
3rd place: Sardine calendar guy (5.1%)
2nd place: ICO squiggle (11.8%)
and the winner is...
The undisputed champion, with 70.1% of the vote! You know who it is, it's Trifle Defender!!! An excellent cook, a master of shade, and 2021's Frau of the year. Congratulations!
With that, the Sloppies are concluded. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas if you're celebrating it, and nothing but the best wishes for 2022! x
Honestly People-Huv-Tae-Know has already made me owl champagne with that 12 days of Christmas edit. Beautiful!
No doubt there's plenty more chaos and outrage Jack can fit into the next 2 weeks and she will see off 2021 the same way she started it. Thanks to Silver & Marmalade for your screencaps of Jack's tweets, and thanks to Poca, Silver, Hotes, People-Huv-Tae-Know and anyone else who did a recap this year it was an absolute lifesaver when it came to finding the right thread for a certain event.
Will the Sloppies be back next year? Ruby Rose.
If you're financially able, and looking to make a donation to a charity at this time of year, I recommend looking into either the Trussell Trust or your local foodbank as sadly demand this year is going to be higher than ever.
Most important is that you all have a wonderful end to your year, I know it's been a rough one, so take care & I'll see you on the threads. xx
Oh, and don't you dare scroll past the link to my tip jar without clicking...
Thank you @Switchstreetz for reminding me how lucky I am to be sitting in my warm house drinking homemade Irish cream. Puts the sadfishing Mx. Million Therapists does right into perspective.
Jack’s recipes look utterly shit. What child on Boxing Day is like “I say, mama, shall we use up yesterday’s scraps for some stonking falafel?”. Just fuck off. Prime example of Jack’s total lack of clarity around the purpose of her work. Is it thrifty? Hardly, when you tot up the cost of the dried fruit in the shit pudding. Is it zero waste? Does anyone actually have hundreds of grams of dates and nuts left over now that it isn’t Victorian times? They’re not simple recipes to get kids involved with cooking, when there’s pages and pages of block text instructions. It’s not nutrition focused either. Nor will it be delicious. What is she even for?
Bristol Sport are running a competition, all you need to do is download the recipe card, and upload a photo of your shit-cake. Only one entry so far, and oh-my-gawwwwd
Bristol Sport Foundation has teamed up with Aardman and Netflix to help teach children the skills needed to lead a healthy lifestyle with their new animated musical short, Robin Robin. And you can join in the fun … Chef Jack Munroe and the stars of the film, Robin and Dink, want to teach you how
I'm amazed the comments haven't been zapped. Would also like to know if the original poster's source can back their claims. If its true I would assume it was during or exacerbated by the Allegra years.
Same, babe! Until my employer tries to dunk their tiny little hand into a fresh cup of tea and I have 0.03 seconds to safely de escalate the situation paid work is always going to be easier. The Guardian lot sneering down at SAHMs or those of us part time as if it’s the easy choice - and as if mums aren’t doing themselves out of matched pensions contributions, salary based bonuses (as I found out this week! ), career progression (sadly), SLC repayments, in some instances even NI stamps or in work benefits (I think??), to do this *work* at home! Fucking morons and they’re the ones writing books on feminism for us all? Fab. I’ll go investigate Gadaffi for us all instead
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and emojis! I couldn't work out how to do emojis on the site
