Jack Monroe #219 Why you sob? Russell Hobb

[BeautifulTrauma]

Come on, if I can make the prune shit in a dish traybake, someone can attempt the cremated sardine in spaghetti tomorrow!

I thought chefs always posted pictures of them eating their produce and saying how it tastes. Jack hasn’t even done one of her tucking into it I feel like I am the solitary person in the world to eat prune, apple sauce and cocoa powder cake.

 

[Emmapism]

Fraus I'm scared. She actually terrifies me sometimes.

 

[Raker]

Also why is she going on about cooking for one in the middle of a recipe which is meant to* serve 4?

*It doesn't serve 4

It serves 4 people who politely refuse when offered….

 

[Rekyavikgirl]

light, dense, heavy, spongey they are all just WORDS which means they are INTERCHANGEABLE.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

View attachment 850603
One lone brave squiggle amongst the arse lickers

omg that’s the same squiggle who said…

Spoiler: This is disgusting..

Insomnia is great fun

…about the “Salted caramel pecan butter”

 

[EddieBeds]

A smattering of goop and a twang of lies*

Thread title right there

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Unlikely.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Can we have a category in The Sloppies for the best/worst cable recreation of Jack's recipes? Orphy B's sweaty slow cooker bread and @Fruitjack's hairy jackfruit patties still haunt me but I think without even seeing it I can declare @BeautifulTrauma's attempt will be a real contender.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Er the best Protestant traybake is hands down 15s and anyone who says otherwise is a big spidey liar.

Ummm. Where has that thing that was meant to be 15s gone?

Was that real life?
Was that just a fantasy?
Caught in our screenshots, no escape from Jack’s catastrophes.

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[Fruitjack]

Please, someone. Do it. I beg you.

 

[Lisbon]

No Swearing? Ah come on I've never felt like swearing so much, she's such a...



ETA my kettle and toaster are Duralit cos I'M FANCY and they last fucking ages (20 odd years on the toaster, 15 on the kettle)

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

How the fuck hers came out funny I’ll never know. Under there is oil, apple sauce, prunes, sugar, the kitchen sink

 

[Hollaaa]

Big 'colours done' energy.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Thank you for the new thread @Silver Linings ! And high five to us @Lumpyspaceprincess for the title!

I love @colouredlines ’ theory that the social media person of Russell Hobbs is the actual Russell Hobbs himself.
I looked it up and it turns out that one of Gorillaz is called Russell Hobbs. This is like finding out Barry M was a real person! Sorry for all the dull FACTS, but they’re still more interesting than Jack watching Tippex dry

 

[MarzBarzie]

If you were craving chocolate cake (and if you were skint, which I always assume is one of the requirements when having to consult one of Jack's 'recipes') surely you would A) buy a wee cheap cake for £1 or so, or B) buy a packet mix cake for a similar price.

That recipe is one of pure desperation and I don't mean moneywise, I mean stranded on a desert island and the only way to get off it is Mary Berry herself (rip) has demanded you produce a baked good out of those particular ingredients

LJC, I just had to google ‘is Mary berry still alive?’ I’m pleased to say she is, although she might not survive tonight’s baked goods if she happens upon them.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I feel like the kettle smash was caused by her picking it up and swinging it round when going to fill it up from the tap and smashing it into something in the process. It was most likely the worktop but given the absolute state of her fire hazard kitchen it could've been literally anything: the toaster that says TOASTER on it, the ceramic chicken filled with rubber eggs, the microwave, twelve tins of Del Monte pineapple chunks, one of her three fridge-freezers, a peach drizzle cake, a shredder that never got taken upstairs <whofuckingknows.jpg>

 

[Orphan_Black]

Spoiler: Captain Jack's fishy feasts

 

[LennyBriscoe]

But…but….she’s in a meeting right now

Said nobody ever at 5pm on a Saturday evening. You have to wonder what sort of rehab she’s at if this is their practise.

Sorry if this has already been said but she could be going to an AA meeting? Even in Aberdeen, where there is a comparatively small amount of meetings in comparison to other large cities, there is one at 6pm on a Saturday.

Face to face meetings are on again and she might be chumming a fellow to a meeting in a different area, or maybe online? This is something I would give her the benefit of the doubt for, in the hope that she’s telling the truth and is around people who will tell her the truth whether she likes it or not!

 

[Mel Donte]

This was me:
Then I said "Jack Monroe is full of shit" five times and this is me now: