Jack Monroe #190 The sloppening

[PortiaControl]

Finally, I've made it to the present! Thanks very Jack much Jack for holding off the chaos and giving me a chance to grunk for my life. I actually had about six weeks away from Jack and these threads and I didn't hear mention of her once in my non tattle life. Oh I tell I lie, I logged in to twitter for the first time in ages and one of my friends had retweeted her "hunchy hunch" attention seeking tweet but aside from that nothing. I think it confirms that she really isn't well known at all outside the hellscape that is the twittersphere.

Despite Jack's absence these threads have been such a hoot! I love that Mrs J is now Lord Jesus Compton I can't decide if the night of Jack inspo quotes or Jack as Bowls was funnier. I laughed so much at both of those! I applaud you for sacrificing your taste buds and attempting some of her recipes. You are braver Frauen/Herren than me!

Also, Fack Monroe. Enough said!

I've missed being with the cabal in real time so just wanted to share with you a little something I've been working on. It's taken me all weekend thirty minutes with much howling, wailing and clawing but here, I present to you, softly, gently, my lil' slopbot stitch.

I realise this is as useful to you all as a drawing of sponsorbot is to an actual recovering alcoholic but nevertheless he was stitched with love and with thanks for the many laughs you've brought me over the last year.

Now fuck off!

Edit: Terrible spelling

 

[lilamay]

So, this piece was published 5 years ago today...

I’m a little bit female and a little bit male. Finally, I fit in my skin | Jack Monroe

I am transgender and have been on hormones for eight months – and I’ve never been happier

www.theguardian.com

And I found this brilliant comment beneath it

 

[Fruitjack]

Well. I don’t know where to start. I followed the recipe exactly to the letter which included not rinsing the jackfruit, peeling the ginger or adding salt to the pattie mix.

I have tested THOUSANDS of cookbook recipes so I know I didn’t do anything wrong but I still do not believe that my sauce could possibly be the same as Jack’s. It’s a completely different colour and texture and didn’t achieve anything like the texture of ‘posh ketchup’, although to be fair neither does
the sauce in Jack’s picture. I’ve got a video of my trying to drop the sauce off the spoon in the Wily Coyote fashion described, but I can’t see how to post it

Honestly it came out much better than I expected, that is to say, it was edible. I really didn’t think the patties would hold together at all but although they were a bit fragile they did. The sauce looks nothing like Jack’s but it tasted OK. The patties were very odd, they managed to taste of tin and brine but equally no seasoning at all. I used the same brand of jackfruit as Jack. It definitely needed a good rinse and either more soy or more salt. I thought 1/2tsp of dried herbs would totally disappear but I could still taste that slightly dusty flavour (they aren’t old).

So it didn’t taste too bad. But I had no idea what to serve it with. I tried to get something that looked like Jack’s so I could show off my GIFTED dish so I cooked some orzo with spinach and coriander. But, even though I am only very smol and 100% vegan but alas not a bodybuilder, even with a reasonable portion of orzo I had to eat 2 patties, 2 pineapple slices and most of the sauce, and I am still not full, because it contains almost no protein, and no carbs (without my orzo addition). This is making me feel greedy and I’m very glad I have a healthy relationship with food.

It’s cheaper for a whole pineapple in Aldi than it is for a tiny tin of Del Monte, though I fully appreciate that tinned is more convenient and you do need sharp knives and a bit of skill to tackle a whole one. But I certainly could have used an own brand version. Even using Jack’s questionable pricing it was £1.50 without the orzo addition.

In retrospect I’d have made only half but I didn’t want to have half a tin of jackfruit leftover or have to measure half the juice. I can’t say I’m looking forward to leftovers even though it was a lot better than I expected.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not gutted that that recipe sort of worked. It’s ruined my whole evening.

 

[LavaFlake]

I'm sorry but what the fuck?

 

[colouredlines]

Baby’s asleep on me so actually reading Jack’s book now, so many things feel a bit

View attachment 579221

this feels..... weird? Like your friends surely know a general jist of your circumstances so wouldn’t say this? It feels cruel. Defs didn’t happen as we’ve seen there are no friends other than PR Vix who’s probably just after the consultancy work <candy man.gif> she’ll be here in five after that

View attachment 579223

£390 feels like it would be close to a year of arrears? Feels too high...?

View attachment 579224

this is big Tory energy. How would you even know what year reg most people’s cars are...?! Or type of telly?! Give me strength!

"This is Jenny, she's got a 50" Samsung TV," said no one ever, when introducing a friend.

 

[Flash123]

Remember the time you had to buy TWO copies of Jack’s book for the donation meaning she still got her cut. Marcus has arranged for a copy to be gifted of course.

 

[JayRamShamFour]

So guys, this is thread 190, I am on thread 40 and I'm averaging 2 threads a day, so in approximately 75 days I will have caught up just about if JM does nothing newsworthy. See you all soon! Excited to be here in real time cos you all just keep getting funnier with each thread .

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Found this on the tube whilst non-mendaciously browsing for something else

She just sounds like Phil Daniels to me in this.




“I used to use olive oil quite a lot in my cooking
back when I had oil to burn”
PARKLIFE!

“When I first started making risotto dishes on my blog
I was using normal long grain rice”
PARKLIFE!

“To me sweet potatoes are a tragic food
I don’t eat too much of them because they make me sad”
PARKLIFE!

“Tragedy mash is what I have for myself
when I’ve had a tragic day”
PARKLIFE!

 

[traumatised sideboard]

For this thread title we must thank @Hollaaa for the words and @DrtCrl for the nomination, even if it was illegally early in the last thread. Congratulations, your prize is a year's supply of Mel Donte Sitrus Calad!

In the previous thread:

-we continued our internal chaos and tested some more Jack recipes
- @Hollaaa made white bean, spinach and garlic soup, the results of which you can see here
- @Orphan_Black made slow cooker bread, the results of which you can see here
-I made headrush spaghetti, the results of which you can see here

-Jack reappeared to show us her new fringe that she claims to have meticulously cut by herself using embroidery scissors despite it looking suspiciously professional and as we all know, Jack has never done a professional thing in her life

-Jack has partnered with Octopus Energy to help young people understand electricity bills, still hasn't shown any support for the Full Time Meals campaign

-Del Monte have announced a competition to win a year's worth of tinned peaches which has kicked off the cabal campaign #peachesforpoca. It also comes with a bundle of Jack's books, though which books and how many, nobody knows. Unsurprisingly, we do not have a campaign for the books.

Spoiler: housekeeping

Please use the words ‘thread title’ (two separate words) when making a bid for one as it makes it easier to search. Also, try to hold off to the latter part of the thread if possible (after post #500). And remember - no swears are allowed.

There is a thread in the off topic forum called Food and Drink where off topic chat is encouraged if / when Jack is quiet.

New to Jack? Have a look at the wiki.

 

[DinosaurSenior]

In the Times today there was a really interesting article about a Twitter spat between a chef that I'd never actually heard of, called Alison Roman, and Chrissy Teigen, which resulted in the chef being... cancelled (according to the article).

I do wonder if Jack chooses targets with a desire to do the same

And another thing.... I went to sainsburys tonight, and it was quite windy. Saw my blue disposable mask flutter in front of me, picked it up, put it on....then put my hand in my pocket and found...my actual own mask....

 

[Hollaaa]

 

[MancBee]

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I bet they had fun putting on the wristband when she went to hospital with her "black eye".

Nurse "Which wrist do you want us to put the band on Jack?"

Jack "Well not that one, you'll give me an orgasm."


As an aside, and off topic

Spoiler: Memememe

I am finally off to London on Monday for my long awaited hospital appointment. Nearly 2 years after being referred and loads of rearranged appointments. Unlike Jack I can not afford to go private, so have had to wait my turn.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

If you google image “Jack Monroe paparazzi” or “Jack Monroe candid” there’s not a pap single image. They’re all off her own Instagram Nothing on getty either.

She has literally never, ever, ever been “papped” so it’s absolutely mortifying she’s complaining about it.

 

[Carmina-Piranha]

OK my dear lovely fraus, this is what constitutes for an amazing Saturday night, chez Carmina Piranha. Below are just some of Jacks engagements that I could find, only going back to 2014. This is not all of them, though...just what I could find!
I remember her whining in the past she often only got paid a fiver for some of these gigs, and maybe dinner expenses...but what I've listed has some sort of reimbursement.
Sorry @Pocahontas if this is too long. But like I said yesterday, it's an astounding list....

Waterstones
Edinburgh International Book Festival
Book a Bookshop
BookGig
DRAKE - The Bookshop
Magic Breakfast
LADA
Wellcome Collection
British Library
Arts Council
Oxford THS
Trussell Trust
Child Poverty Action Group
Plan Zheroes
The Food Chain
Fortnum and Mason
Observer Food Monthly
Marie Claire
YMCA
Red Magazine
The Labour Party
National Farmers Union
The Connection at St Martin's in the Fields
The Orwell Foundation
Ilkley Literary Festival
Essex University
Birmingham University
Women for Women
Naked Productions
BBC radio 4
Edexcel
Dept of Education
Literacy Trust
Octopus Energy
Manchester Food and Drink Festival
Hay Festival
BBC Radio 4 Any Questions
BBC 1 Question Time
Brighton and Hove Food Partnership
CERG
UCAS
Unicef
Bristol University Press
Food Research Collaboration
Eastbourne Eco Networks
De Montford University
British Science Association
Warwick University
Poverty Alliance
Bristol University Press
Church Action on Poverty
Del Monte
Hellmans
Sainsburys
Linda McCartney
Edinburgh Wellbeing Festival
Guardian
Royal Court
Real Junk Food Project
WiFi for
Tin Can Supper Club
Groupon
Canned Food UK

 

[Chudney]

Trifle Defender makes some interesting points in her article praising the Full Time Campaign. I wonder which food writers she could be referring to....

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Baby’s asleep on me so actually reading Jack’s book now, so many things feel a bit

this feels..... weird? Like your friends surely know a general jist of your circumstances so wouldn’t say this? It feels cruel. Defs didn’t happen as we’ve seen there are no friends other than PR Vix who’s probably just after the consultancy work <candy man.gif> she’ll be here in five after that

£390 feels like it would be close to a year of arrears? Feels too high...?

this is big Tory energy. How would you even know what year reg most people’s cars are...?! Or type of telly?! Give me strength!

 

[Fruitjack]

You were brave cooking that recipe. No offence, those burgers look awful (I know it’s because of the ingredients). How bad was the fried pineapples?

the pineapple was ok but it was definitely something chucked on the top of the dish to meet the brief of using a tin of pineapple rings rather than using them a starting point for a lovely griddled salsa, a cashew fried rice, a dansak type lentil curry or something where it’s an integral part of the dish.

I just burped and it tasted of a rusty tin can.

I feel like I’ve broken the thread!

 

[colouredlines]

Today in the Guardian, Yotam Ottolenghi has a recipe for banana ketchup. I've been comparing his recipe to Jack's.

YO: https://www.theguardian.com/food/20...anana-ketchup-yotam-ottolenghi-picnic-recipes

JM: https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2020/06/21/zero-waste-banana-peel-ketchup-43p/

Introduction

Jack tells a lengthy and dull anecdote about a trip to Edinburgh, claims to have got through two jars of banana ketchup in a weekend, throws in an affiliate link to someone else's book, and finishes with To be clear, the banana ketchup is 100% my recipe, as if anyone were in doubt.

Yotam has two sentences, suggesting ways to use banana ketchup.

Method

Yotam puts preparation notes into the ingredient list. His ketchup recipe is 1 paragraph long.

Jack's ketchup recipe is 4 paragraphs long and describes the mixture as "impetuous".

Clarity

Yotam assumes the reader knows how to mash a banana: 5 large overripe bananas (about 650g), peeled, flesh mashed with a fork

Jack does not: Peel the bananas and break the chunks into a bowl, then mash them with a fork until well broken up and a bit sloppy.

Hygiene

Yotam instructs the reader to put the ketchup in a sterilised jar.

Jack is happy with "a clean (preferably sterilized) jar".

Conclusion

Yotam continues with the recipe for the chicken wings that go with the ketchup.

Jack plugs her book "Veganish, by me, Jack Monroe" with an affiliate link.

The winner? I couldn't possibly comment...

 

[MancBee]

Also if I was really really wanting a "forever home" I would get myself into a job that has a regular salary to save in order to do so. Freelance is great and all but not reliable as a source of income.

Now that her son is in big school, there is nothing stopping her returning to full time paid employment. She is clearly happy to leave her son in his father's care evidenced by her 5 (or is it 6?) weeks away , alone in her aparthotel. So nothing stopping her.

Surely the Fire service would jump at the chance to re-employ Jack for her vast knowledge alone. After all, wasn't she pivotal in the post Grenfell investigation? Pawing over the plans, phoning other experts, attending the area the next day, and speaking to the firefighters in attendance.

Nahh, scratch that. They couldn't wait to get rid of the workshy know it all. She'd never get a job back there. Once bitten, twice shy.

 

[Billybellend]

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Was absent mindedly scrolling through the meme thread and almost shit my pants. I thought it was her at first glance.

I guess that's who she based her hairstyle on.

Oh don’t...it’ll be ‘I’ve been told I’m SJ’s double’ next. Havent we suffered enough?

Spoiler: OT - mini B

Much excitement here, as mini B has come home from hospital- he’s sleeping a lot, but is so much better than he was a week ago. Thanks to the cabal for all your good wishes