Jack Monroe #185 Serves zero

[onlysunshine]

I'm still in 182 and desperately trying to catch up.

Have definitely been influenced by you lot, look what I just did...

 

[Flumps]

Oh, glorious defender of trifles and speaker of sense, I wish you were my friend.

 

[Pocahontas]

Hold up, hold up. We’re forgetting something. She was born in 1978 - therefore she’s in the eligible age bracket for the vaccine. Book away, Jack!

 

[Flumps]

THE BROMELAIN IN CANNED PINEAPPLE IS DENATURED.

I love that this is what seems to have tipped you over the edge. We all have our peak-Jack moment.

 

[Orphan_Black]

She probably just doesn’t have any flour at her fancy apartment.

Wonder what happened to yesterday’s black bean brownie concoction? Because I’m sure she didn’t eat it and that Tesco Mediterranean vegetable tray is allegedly being used again.

(She’s just bought a multipack of disposable trays didn’t she?)

I'm not buying it at all. That IS the brownie!!! She's covered it with icing to hide the whole nuts she poked in the top, and then threw some dust on too. THAT IS THE BROWNIE. *Inception horns*

(The cake is a lie)

 

[JuliaGulia]

THE BROMELAIN IN CANNED PINEAPPLE IS DENATURED.

#Thread title. With the all caps.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

We must never forget the eye

 

[Brian Butterfield]

View attachment 549522

You weren't the first person to say it though, were you, Jack?

 

[bladiesla]

Imagine becomming and accidental food writer while you actually don't like food that much. And then for years have to performingly do things like 'baking banana cake in the aparthotel as a stress relief' on social media when perhaps you would rather have been catching up with LoD on Iplayer.

No wonder she thinks she's working 100 hours a week, as she is pretending to be something full-time.

As for her treatment, I really don't care what it is, I hope she gets the help she needs. But Louisa Jesus Christ and the wee pineapple hats, she really is taking the fanny cake for both breadcrumbing and sad fishing this week.

 

[Skyfall]

Oh I bloody love dictionary corner!

JM nails it as a snollygoster

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Spoiler: Quokka Jack can't have

 

[Brian Butterfield]

If she is wanting to be ill, she should be careful what she wishes for. Please don't think I'm sadfishing, I'm just being honest when I say my life completely changed when I became ill, I know everyone with a chronic illness must feel at least a bit the same.

I hate being sick all the time, I look like shit and can't go anywhere. I've lost friends because I'm not the same 'fun' MCM I used to be. I've become really introverted because I have to make my own entertainment and now I'm used to it.

It isn't fun or glamorous, I just hope she comes to her senses and stops wasting a reasonably healthy life before she ends up regretting her words.

I feel like you could be describing me MCM. My life has changed irrevocably with my chronic illness, it dominates everything I do (or can't do anymore LOLLLLLL) and I wouldn't wish it on anyonre.

Big blubbery Brian hugs to you. I wish you millions more better than bad days xxxx

 

[MancBee]

Still no retweet for Marcus and Tom, but Jack managed to retweet this from Delicious magazine, which funnily enough promotes her own article/advertorial/year 6 English homework.

Well I never.

To paraphrase Jack. Is there a deadline by which she has to retweet? Or can she:-
tweet about her aparthotel,
tweet about sobriety,
tweet photographs of herself,
delete photographs of herself,
photoshop and retweet same photograph,
vague tweet about her treatment and sobriety,
tweet about fridge drinks,
retweet someone else about Boris,
doll herself up for a award ceremony,
do video to receive award,
get prodded and poked and jabbed,
tweet about CT scans and X-rays,
tweet about steroid injections,
retweet some things she has written,
tweet about cooking salad,
make cake,
tweet about making cake,
make more cake and tweet about that,
tweet about reusing foil tray,
make unfunny tweets about Jacob Rees-Mogg,
tweet about her taxi ride,
and................. have a piss and a sandwich.

For goodness sake, give her a break. When could she ever find time to retweet Marcus and Tom? She is BUSY, OK?

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Hands up if this is the first time you've ever heard of Bromelaine?

 

[Captainmouse]

As it's quiet

 

[FlashBoof]

Prodded, poked and jabbed. She really is a disgusting piece of work. And, it probably is acupuncture, deep tissue massages or some sort of alternative therapy.

It’s up to every person to decide how to deal with illness and sickness - be it addiction treatment or the horrors of cancer. This ridiculous performance is actually the worst way though, in my opinion. Either be honest and open - it offers a modicum of comfort and visibility to problems faced by other people. Or, do what people like Chadwick Boseman and Helen McCrory did and keep it private (not secret, Daily Mail cunts, private). The constant “poor old me, i is poorly but i is also stalked and bullied so I can’t tell you TOO much” is awful.

Her agent/publisher/girlfriend/parents etc should be ashamed that they let Jack do this to 300k+ followers, many of which, by the nature of her “campaigning” and USP, will be in vulnerable positions themselves. If I didn’t know what I know now, and just saw those tweets last night, I would have gone to bed absolutely gutted that our heroine is afflicted by dread illness and disease. Many of her “fans” will be upset. Her DMs must be through the roof (which is probably why she is sad-crumbing to begin with).

I wonder how the tip jar is going, now though. Moving is expensive. £500+ a week hotel stays don’t pay for themselves (nor do private recovery treatment centres) and she sure as shit can’t give her books away, it seems. I just hope she is getting slammed for child maintenance.

 

[BlendedSlop]

Look out for version 3 of the picture tomorrow.
#ifyouknowyouknow

 

[Brian Butterfield]

View attachment 549532

Oh please fuck off you insufferable attention seeking twat.

 

[SweetTransvestite]

But this was online however long ago? Is she seriously being doubly paid by Delicious AND Del Monte for this abomination?? That’s mendacious, even by Jack’s standards!

Contractually is it okay to be whoring recipes around? Aren't those Del Monte abominations "exclusive"?
Why do this if it takes a maverick brain 20mins, one & done? It's just sheer laziness isn't it?

Delicious just why
Salty tears in my eyes
I cry
For Jack Monroe, they lie
Don't try
Sigh.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Jack is very influential. She's influenced me to stop buying Linda McCartney products and to never attempt wearing only a pleather-lapelled blazer on my top half, especially not with my elbows propped up on a table so it looks like I have 80s-style shoulder pads. Put your thermals back on, dear heart, you'll catch your death!