Jack Monroe #140 This is not what Linda would have wanted

[People-huv-tae-know]

Thank you @SoulRebel

Sorry I went all terminator mad Cabal. Jack has struck a nerve today and I think I hate her. Rabbits literally are my niche professionally and personally and I'd like to think that I elevenerife everyone on Tattle (I promise I'm not boasting) when it comes to my knowledge and experience (happy to be elevenerifed though). We have come a long way from the child's pet, hutch dwelling, lettuce eating trope. But there is still a great deal of ignorance and misconception around the species. They are poorly studied too. Most veterinary degrees offer around one month's study of exotics out of a five year course unless you specialize 🔺️ Rabbits require a lot of dedication, knowledge and understanding. With the right care and good genes they can live 12+ years but they are wholly reliant on humans providing the right conditions. A bad diet can be fatal, missing the signs of gut stasis which are subtle is also fatal. You have to know what you are doing or God help the poor animal. Too many rabbits die lonely painful deaths and should not be trusted to people like Jack who buy 'cheap' pets on a whim.
Rabbits are beautiful, agile creatures with a huge capacity for roaming, jumping, zooming, digging, playing and more. They love light, plants, toys, space, good company, physical affection and good food. They are intelligent, playful, mischievous, some are aloof, some take time to trust you, some are like soppy labradors and all are deserving of good ownership.

I've spent a long time mopping up other people's mistakes in relation to animals and it wearies you eventually. There is still so much cruelty and neglect among all species and I hate it.

I need to take a wee break and do something different but I'd like you meet Poppy and Willow my little couple who love their life in a big shed with windows, tons of hay (we buy bales), appropriate types and quantities of veg and lots of love from us. Willow is going on 9 and Poppy is his third partner because when one passes away the other pines so you have to rebond to a new partner. Poppy is 3 and they adore each other. Their door is open all day well into midnight. They have direct access to their own garden which is really my side garden (complete with anti predator netting and fencing) which I adapted and built for them. They play in all weathers, love snow and enjoy the big garden too especially when it comes to nibbling my raspberry leaves. They are an absolute joy and deserve the very best in life. Both are genuine rescues too. Never ever buy animals, always go to a registered and certified rescue.

Sorry to go OT there, Jack is a cunt, a prick and arsehole etc etc. Not being a troll Jack btw, just stating the facts which I have forensically studied since last March

 

[Scarletfever]

Someone has replied to that comment on Nigella's page saying "did you really need to ask or are you just attention seeking?"

 

[jenny2603]

Sorry to go off topic but I'm DYING to share this tip. Tonight I was bored and decided to experiment with decanting. Trust me you'll want to try this one! I decanted a teabag from my collection into a cup. Then using ordinary boiled water (if you don't have any you can sub with any liquid you have lying around) I made a delicious hot drink. My maverick little brain really is my superpower. Best of all it's totally free as you get the teabags with the box and I found the water in the kitchen tap. Fortunately my mate had gifted me a cup and the postman dropped a kettle on the pavement so I had no upfront costs at all!

 

[fettuccinewap]

i have been lurking here for literal months and have never felt as compelled to make my first post as i do now. how can someone who writes BOOKS ABOUT FOOD just come out and say that ALL HERBS ARE INTERCHANGABLE?! after 140 threads, herb-gate has broken me.

 

[GothPrincess]

Poor little bun.
Can’t believe she’s allowed a cat and a rabbit in the shitty bungalow that she RENTS

My friend is friends with her landlady. She’s not supposed to have pets. But they’re there now. And she’s not supposed to make modifications to the “shitty bungalow”. But she has.
Landlady does not have a property empire and I think has been put off renting this house out in the future,

 

[Ellabella]

I know Jack has a very ~particular~ set of skills, but surely she won’t be able to your husband’s scalp?? AKA I want to see this madness.

He is normally completely bald.

 

[Satisfying Click]

"Shaking with nerves, I gently, softly, slowly, nervously asked Mom if I could respectfully, movingly, reverently draw the photo she posted."

"Hi Jack, it's Rosemary. Could we have a quick chat?"

 

[MancBee]

She's liking tweets critical of Simon Wood's recipes for people using food banks / parcels.

Comrade Jack, #feedthechildren Jack, Diplomat Jack AND Consistent Jack have entered the chat!

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What was I saying about Roadside Mum....nothing will ever be enough.

Odd that when Jack is handing out recipes and advice to "the poors" it is OK, but when it is Simon Wood and Andy Burnham do it, it's all about "private profit has ripped the food from the tables of the nations working class children". And Andy is not "punching down", he is attempting to find ways in which to help people.

As for Roadside Mum's assertion that "The problem was never that mothers were useless in the kitchen" shows how naïve she is. And while we are at it, how bloody patronising that it is only mothers that need to know how to cook.

These people don't want compromise and a fair share of wealth, they are like Wolfie Smith and the Tooting Popular Front. They won't be happy until they get their "glorious revolution".

It is pathetic.

 

[squiffle]

It’s always more sad when you can see their faces. RIP.

 

[jenny2603]

Literally seems like she's profiting off the fact she made a really terrible and somewhat selfish decision in the past. People in poverty don't choose to be in that position, but everything she's said leads me to believe she chose that path.

It's been my long standing pet theory that when Jack told her parents she was pregnant she expected to be showered with money but instead got a bit of a tough love talk about responsibility and the changes she'd need to make to her life. Instead of just being a bit irritated at being patronised she intentionally made her situation worse as a big pass agg tantrum to get back at them. "Oh you said I'd be responsible for the child so I didn't think you would help-now look how you made us suffer". We also know from her own blog that she actually put off claiming benefits because of some stupid idea about setting a good example to a fucking toddler with no concept of work, which makes her anger at the government even more bizarre. There is a lot to be furious with the Tories about in terms of cuts to benefits and attitudes towards people who claim benefits but I don't think they can be held responsible for some larping dimwit who has been repeatedly told they can claim choosing not to.

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @PoorPatrol for the words and @waffle maker for the nomination! Your joint prize: you’ve got to eat those balls.

Recap of thread #139

1. She knitted herself a shredded wheat big enough to feed everyone.
2. Welcome to Jack’s spa, where you will be treated to a bath full of table salt and any kind of herb.
3. Another Linda McCartney meal - those balls are a sight for sore eyes.
4. She had an article in Vogue. I couldn’t help but wonder ... why.
5. Jack’s thrifty tip: save your ring pulls so you can hang your clothes on them. Far better than broom handles.
6. ‘I have ADHD, a self destruct button and a short attention span.’
7. More thrifty tips from Take-A-Break Jack.
8. Deadline looming for Cookbook 7 and is Jack working hard or hardly working?
9. Oh so Vegan Jack discovered rice milk.
10. Sunday vibes with a cat and unruly curtains.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’

** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

*****

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
• She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

• Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[fauxpoor]

Greetings from the dark side, and the poverty stricken north. Newbie here who only just REALISED in recent weeks what an absolute fraud jack is! Am posting this before I read the thread so I'm not sure my entrance will be appropriate but I beg, implore,plead with all that my cold dead heart can summon of you to let me join in your (ceaseless bullying) truth seeking of our faux poor jack.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

The rabbit talk has made me sad. If she's cuddling that poor rabbit all the time, why do we never see him apart from when he was heavily filtered for his own protection on that stupid Comic Kitchen video? I'm a confirmed rabbit truther. I want an unfiltered photo of Dash with a copy of today's paper. I'm sure she's already got a copy of The Express laying around. And all this after I found a bird frozen to death this morning

Why bird die
I cry
It fall from sky
It cannot fly
Tears fall from eye
I cry
Why

 

[MancBee]

View attachment 400466

If she was on her own she could be stubborn, ashamed and pretend everything was fine. But she had a child that was going hungry "more jam and bread mama". For your own child you would swallow your pride and put aside your stubbornness. The care of her child should override any feelings of personal failure, but once again she put herself first. For that alone Jack should be vilified.

All that makes no sense though. She put aside her shame and stubbornness and accepted help from a foodbank. She accepts charity from strangers, but refuses to allow the father of her child to contribute to feed his own son.

She had a loving (and idyllic by all accounts) relationship with her Grandad (and after his death her Grandmother) who did so much help the homeless. But Jack felt that she couldn't turn to them in her hour of need.

Nothing adds up.

 

[jenny2603]

The baking tray thing is just sheer unadulterated madness.

What problem is she solving? Someone please explain!?!

Ok picture the scene. You're at home, the sink is full of hot soapy water, you're really excited because you're about to do the dishes. Then out the blue the phone rings -it's a political prisoner using his weekly phone call to find out what the latest products deleted from the Asda Smart Price range are. If you return to your dishes he'll have wasted his call and won't have any Smart Price intel to trade with the other prisoners putting him in danger. If you stay on the phone the water will go cold. Your maverick little brain gets to work and BINGO! You realise that if you slide an old metal tray over the sink you'll have a hot tray. It's pretty simple if you think it through.

 

[Veronicaaa]

View attachment 401809

"Purists will say they all taste different and of course they do."

 

[PoorPatrol]

Drawing Jack

 

[Petelgeuse]

Hi gang,

I spotted a top tip recently and I've decanted 6 tubs of mixed herbs into an empty milk bottle. I now have 6 empty herb tubs, has anyone got any ideas on what to do with them?

 

[Switchstreetz]

it’ll be like when people get in touch with you on Facebook to try to sell forever living or juice plus, only you need to aggressively source Jack’s rental contract and move in snags list, as well as all rental payment dates, and if she got permission for the skips.

Hey Hun
Just wanted to let you know about a great opportunity online

This no good, conniving, tip jar rattling SCHEMER is conning her fans

Join the coven and help raise awareness of how she mistreats her pets and isn't actually vegan 🫑

Also have you seen her cutlery drawer?

Join today!! You won't earn anything but you'll lose so much of your free time grunking x