Itsdaniellesjourney #13 Boring Dan, 5 ingredient Scran, fingerbanged by another man.

[JohannaCawffey]

Thanks for the new thread and what an amazing title. Here's a recap for anyone who has missed recent events in Dan's tedious thrilling life.

She returned from Greece where she spent 17 hours a day on a ferry from one island to another, ate gyros and drank beer. She bought 2 pairs of snide Raybans from a shop in Chania for 10 euros and then linked the ACTUAL RAYBANS WEBSITE, cos she's a shameless, greedy, money-grabbing tramp with no moral compass. Upon returning home, she booked her next holiday, she's off to Mexico in November cos she LOVES the cuisine (spoiler alert - she once went to Chiquitos in Wakefied for a fajita) and now thinks she's an expert. She's after a collab with Old El Paso.

She had to miss out on 36 hours of Insta stories while her sister was in labour. She boomeranged the head crowning and her sister's baby looks a lot like Chesney, not that I'm insinuating anything.

Her and Chesney had a night out and walked home 11 miles through a field, ruining Chesney's new trainers in the process cos she's too tight to cough up for a taxi. She then shamed Ches by recording him drunk sleep talking and sharing it in Insta but Chesney isn't bothered because most of her followers are bought and the genuine ones watch her stories on mute so jokes on you Dan.

She's discovered Amazon Prime and Dansplained it to the nation; Her purchases include a gel nail kit, so as well a dog groomer she's now a nail technician. Unconfirmed reports suggest that she's going to buy a brow tattoo kit and do her own eyebrows which frankly couldn't be worse than where she goes now

She hates the shade of white that her house is painted so she's painting it a different shade of white because that's how much of a Princess she is.

Finally, she's bought 2894 tent dresses because she has a 3 day wedding coming up this weekend; She is pretending to be excited about this, but deep down she's sad because the wedding will last into Sunday which is her favourite day, the day she has a Sunday roast, a Sunday walk, does her Sunday jobs, has her Sunday trinkets touched up by Ches and has a Sunday bath.

Hope this helps

 

[CoffeeFiend]

She doesn't book packages. She has a whole monologue on how she books her holidays. Don't worry she'll share it when she gets back, if not before, because 'everyone' always asks her.

For those who may not know...

Did you know she books her holiday from scratch? She plans the destination first, then asks other people for recommendations for places to eat/drink Then she makes an intinerary which must not diverge from it's main objective (eat food, get drunken). Finally, she books her accommodation, then her flights.

Next, she updates every single moment in real time on Instagram, and if she's lucky, she might remember her husband came along for the ride.

She always buys a Jo Malone fragrance at the airport, but one time she didn't and it surprised us all. She'll have a pint, whether 4am or 4pm whilst sat in the Wetherspoons airside and rocking her comfy clothing which she bought especially from ASOS or H&M. She will share the #aff link with you all in case you want to copy her "style". Lastly, she will share a billion boomerangs of her drinking, cheering, and eating all the food and drink. If we're lucky, we might get a drunken talky story.

There will be complaints about the times she waited to board the plane, or get in a taxi. We'll be treated to a shot of her Apple watch showing the 20,000 steps she's done in her mismatched shoes (because the silly mare has the same pair in 5 different colours and despite having laser eye surgery, she can't quite tell the difference between white and off white shoes - well duh, have you seen her walls at home?). But the 20,000 steps isn't enough to counteract the 20,000 calories she consumed later that evening when she enjoys a 20 course tasting menu of wine and gourmet curry (in Mexico, because she loves Mexican food but can't quite bring herself to try any).

The next 2 weeks will fly by and before you know it, Dan will be on her 42nd holiday this year. But don't worry, the time listening/reading her stories will LITERALLY drag as we're somehow compelled to tune in every day and watch transfixed like watching a boring info commercial.

Have I missed anything?

 

[Sozhun]

Thread suggestion: Itsdaniellesjourney #14 an idiot abroad

 

[JohannaCawffey]

It's clear to me what's happened here guys;

Chesney isn't the brightest spark and he didn't realise how expensive their Greece trip was; however, he DOES read Tattle so we told him it was over 6k Poor wee Ches was fewmin so he gave DanDan an ultimatum - we do Mexico for half the price or we don't go.

DanDan is well chuffed really..she's working on a vlog called "how to Mexico on a budget" and she's come up with some banging money saving tips for her cash-conscious viewers;

1. No need to splash out on a new travel outfit when you're travelling budget- Wear your hubby's joggers and Nan's slippers instead.

2. Get yourself a crazy early flight, the bar won't be open so no expensive airport drinks.

3. Don't go straight to Mexico, fly via Amsterdam instead; you can make all your pals jealous by having 2 holidays in 1.

4.Don't waste money on a Dyson air wrap for Mexico, just buy yourself a hairdryer there or pray for rain and plait it.

5. Stay away from tourists by booking yourself a beauty little hotel in a local crime hotspot neighbourhood. What could possibly go wrong?

And finally

6. No point wasting money on authentic Mexican food, it tastes nothing like Chiquitas in Wakefield anyway; get yourself a slice of pizza, Jamaican chicken or Thai food as other cuisines are much cheaper here.

It's scarey cos it's true

 

[slimmersworldRw]

I also wear Nars in shade Barcelona.. my dad is Nigerian however

 

[Polto89]

Poor poor danielle one of her four flights has been cancelled. How dare they only tell her 2 weeks before hand,how is she supposed to get all her jobs done today now that she has to book another flight home from cancun.
Fuck off danielle.

And she doesn't understand how her flight from cancun to Amsterdam is cancelled but the one from amsterdam to Leeds is still going ahead....maybe because the world doesn't revolve around you, ya orange chode

 

[CoffeeFiend]

Here's some more.

 

[ghostriderhere]

As a migraine sufferer I can’t stand it when people report on insta/Fb that they have a migraine…trust me when you have a real migraine any source of light (ie. Phone) is unbearable! She has a headache, bless her

 

[girl1980]

Awww shucks. My first thread title
I shall celebrate with a potato I've had cooking in the oven since Sunday, and a glass of wine but I don't drink wine.

 

[JohannaCawffey]

She missed off the crucial bit so I fixed it.
You're welcome Dan

 

[Hereforthehottea]

Dan Dan’s excited face. She looks in pain trying to force out an expression.

 

[JohannaCawffey]

Yet she buys North Face coats, uggs and beanies galore not to mention the 'see how many clothes you can wear in one pic' time. She's a dickhead

Ah, you mean this old classic??

"Could I BE wearing any more clothes?"

 

[ChubClubThug]

Why does she need a treadmill when she's got a dog she can walk two or three times a day?

 

[ChubClubThug]

Probably the only person who could make glasto appear boring on social media

At least she wouldn't need a tent, she'd already be wearing it

 

[#ad#aff]

THE TREADMILL. It’s not like she’s on the treadmill while working, she’s doing it on her lunch break. It will have cost a bomb and what is the point. It’s like having a window and then drawing a picture of the sky and pasting it over the window. GO OUTSIDE FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU WEIRD ORANGE HUMAN.

 

[namenotavailable]

You can't even see the screen!! Maybe she listens to it, the same way she reada her audio books

 

[#ad#aff]

It's just noodles straight from the packet. She has them so dry anyway that she may as well just chuck them straight on a plate without bothering to boil them...a-la Dan Dan Noodles. She'll serve it with Dan Dan steak (so tough, leathery and dry that you need a hedgesaw to get through it) and Dan Dan salad (a sad looking lettuce leaf, a withered onion and a 28 day matured tomato that has lost all it's moisture. No sauce of course)

The only moisture is a single tear from Ches when he realises he has to choke his way through another meal

 

[spillthetea22]

The really winner of this holiday is Dozza who gets 2 weeks away from the bitch shouting and terrifying her! Bet she’s loving life with whoever she is with. Gets properly looked after.

 

[CoffeeFiend]

Yes. An outfit photo. Who wore it best?

 

[#ad#aff]

I was noseying at that wedding venue she went to recently and that’s dreadful Dan in the floral isn’t it? Her head looks like Dozza from the back too