Is this gaslighting

[BettyCrocker]

Hello.

I have heard the term "gaslighting" used before and I am wondering if I am being "gaslit".

I was dating a guy for a bit. And after a date (we had been on a few before then) he fell off the radar for over a month in October until just recently. Like, he didn't even seem to be online even when I sent him a Whatsapp text message let alone read or responded.

He came back a few weeks ago and yesterday I mentioned that it hurt me when he stopped responding to my messages, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue seeing him because I don't want to date someone who disappears for weeks on end without any sort of explanation.

Instead of acknowledging it, he called me a liar. He said how did we go on a date if he was ignoring me (we did go on a date in early October, but about a week after he disappeared). He said I was accusing him of rubbish and he was tired of me always accusing him of something.

I don't know why he called me a liar. It was pretty obvious he disappeared. I was so frustrated with him calling me a liar I screenshotted the last whatsapp that was sent with the date, and then when he reappeared / responded and sent it to him. Maybe I am being overly strange I don't know, I just didn't want to be called a liar.

He then said it was very strange and stalkerish behaviour, and that after me accusing him of things he did not do, he no longer wanted to date me anymore. He said he'd look for others who didn't constantly accuse him of sh*t. He said I was monitoring him and it was "f'ed up behaviour". I wasn't monitoring him, but when someone you are dating disappears for a long time, you kind of notice you know. It took all of two seconds to see when the last reply was.

Is this gaslighting? I am not sure what to do. I blocked him but everything is now making me doubt myself.

hes a twat. Yes, this is classic gaslighting. Block him, delete his messages, never contact him ever again, never see him again, he’s bad news.

 

[Rolypolymmm]

Yes. Lucky escape too by the sounds of it!!

 

[The King in the North]

It's textbook gaslighting. He's trying to make you feel bad for something he did. Keep him blocked.

 

[noseybirdxo]

Yes absolutely gaslighting, please don’t doubt yourself either x

 

[Gemgemgemgem]

Pity the woman unlucky enough who has to marry him. You've had a very lucky escape.

 

[Scorpihoe]

YES! That IS gaslighting! Sounds weird but I remember you from the post about your friend owing you money, from what I’ve gathered you’re a really nice person

but this guy massively gaslit you! Sounds like a right dick

 

[judgejohndeed]

I met him on a dating site. And when he disappeared I didn't know if he was coming back so I put myself back out there so to speak. I saw him online (it had a little green online now tag).

I mentioned to him that he disappeared but was still on the dating site. He said he had deleted his profile and hadn't been online at all so I was lying. I was online and I could see he was online at that very moment. I screenshotted it and said "why not be honest" and he said he logged in the day before to see what he had written, and that it was deactivated after. I said it was from just now and he said he logged in to prove he hadn't been online in October.

He sounds positively unhinged. Just think if he's behaving like this when you don't even know each other that well yet, how much worse it would get as time goes on and in a relationship. The start of abusive behaviour for sure.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

If this happens to anyone else NEVER reply when they pop back up. Take the satisfaction of them crawling back and leave them high and dry.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Thank you. I really try not to but you know when you go over the same thing in your head. Like when he says "I want to find someone who doesb't constantly accuse me of things" and so I think "am I being too sensitive? Does it matter? Do other people get upset about this or just me?" x

It’s not ‘accusing’ when it’s true! Ugh, what a knob. Sorry you had to experience that. Also saying it’s stalky is the oldest trick in the book tbh - anyone with half a brain cell would notice someone disappearing. Definitely a lucky escape for you.

 

[1001 others]

What a dick. Cut him loose and move on to someone far more deserving. Imagine how exhausting it would be, being with someone like him?

It absolutely is gaslighting. Any behaviour that makes you question your sanity is basically that.

 

[HelloStereo]

It’s not ‘accusing’ when it’s true! Ugh, what a knob. Sorry you had to experience that. Also saying it’s stalky is the oldest trick in the book tbh - anyone with half a brain cell would notice someone disappearing. Definitely a lucky escape for you.

Thank you. I find that when you question someone, if they know they're wrong they say "you're crazy / a stalker / a psycho" etc. Why even lie about disappearing when you mainly communicate through whatsapp / social media too. It's so easy to disprove.

He always swears too. In the conversation there were lots of "f offs and f yous". I know some people are more relaxed with swearing etc, but during an argument it seems so aggressive to swear at someone.

 

[HelloStereo]

Oh dear, I know it's hard to let go of someone if you have feelings for them (even if they treat you bad) but please try and get him out your system. I don't want to sound harsh, but he doesn't want you in the same way. He has no respect for you, so I hope you find the strength to delete him from your telephone and social media contacts so you can delete him from your life. Eventually you will find someone that loves and respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Thank you. I know he doesn't want me in the same way and he talks to me badly. It is just difficult. I deleted him from my contacts etc though, as there is someone better out there for me .

He sounds positively unhinged. Just think if he's behaving like this when you don't even know each other that well yet, how much worse it would get as time goes on and in a relationship. The start of abusive behaviour for sure.

Imagine being with someone who lies all the time and when caught out then blames the other person. Yesterday really hurt me and I know it's wrong now. But it's nice to get confirmation from other people that it's wrong.

 

[Pixie1]

You sound lovely and so genuine. He sounds like a lying, cheating, sleazy control freak! Please believe you deserve better and forget him and move on

 

[judgejohndeed]

Thank you for your kind words . I hope that I did the right thing. He sent me something boasting about his Tinder matches and I said that was hurtful since we had gone on a date. Then he said "it was a JOKE" and that I was being overbearing and too much and then went offline for a week or so.

During the conversation I mentioned in the original post he said "f you" and that I was an "f'ing liar" that I was stupid and selfish. He said I was stupid because if I thought badly of him all along why am I still there. I said it was hurtful to use that language and he said "sorry if you are hurt but I stand by what I say".

Then I started doubting myself. Maybe I'm an idiot for keeping him in my life before when there were things that made me unhappy. But I thought if I brought it up with him things would work out, instead of him getting annoyed and calling me stupid. It's such a mess.

This guy is a nasty piece of work! You definitely did the right thing!

 

[Ohflogoff]

Delete. Block. Wipe your brow that you escaped this wanker

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Wow, if that had been me I would have sent him a polite reply explaining how much of a twat he is.
Who does he actually think he is, he sounds like a lunatic, I think you’ve had a very lucky escape there.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Don’t respond any further.

 

[HelloStereo]

Hello.

I have heard the term "gaslighting" used before and I am wondering if I am being "gaslit".

I was dating a guy for a bit. And after a date (we had been on a few before then) he fell off the radar for over a month in October until just recently. Like, he didn't even seem to be online even when I sent him a Whatsapp text message let alone read or responded.

He came back a few weeks ago and yesterday I mentioned that it hurt me when he stopped responding to my messages, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue seeing him because I don't want to date someone who disappears for weeks on end without any sort of explanation.

Instead of acknowledging it, he called me a liar. He said how did we go on a date if he was ignoring me (we did go on a date in early October, but about a week after he disappeared). He said I was accusing him of rubbish and he was tired of me always accusing him of something.

I don't know why he called me a liar. It was pretty obvious he disappeared. I was so frustrated with him calling me a liar I screenshotted the last whatsapp that was sent with the date, and then when he reappeared / responded and sent it to him. Maybe I am being overly strange I don't know, I just didn't want to be called a liar.

He then said it was very strange and stalkerish behaviour, and that after me accusing him of things he did not do, he no longer wanted to date me anymore. He said he'd look for others who didn't constantly accuse him of sh*t. He said I was monitoring him and it was "f'ed up behaviour". I wasn't monitoring him, but when someone you are dating disappears for a long time, you kind of notice you know. It took all of two seconds to see when the last reply was.

Is this gaslighting? I am not sure what to do. I blocked him but everything is now making me doubt myself.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Thank you. I know he doesn't want me in the same way and he talks to me badly. It is just difficult. I deleted him from my contacts etc though, as there is someone better out there for me .



Imagine being with someone who lies all the time and when caught out then blames the other person. Yesterday really hurt me and I know it's wrong now. But it's nice to get confirmation from other people that it's wrong.

I was with someone like this (on and off because that was part of the gaslighting - ignoring me for weeks then when I assumed it was over, I was the bad guy) for 7 years. It makes you really unwell and it's also quite hard to escape from when you're in the clutches. You've genuinely had a lucky escape that he's shown his colours this early on while you can still easily get out. And I agree with the poster who said about your lending money post - you seem like a genuinely nice person and you don't deserve to be treated like this. You'll definitely meet someone more worthy of you!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I think deep down they know, but they don't have the character to acknowledge the hurt so they deflect. I have known him since June. I suggested something nice for a date and he told me that talking to me was a chore. Then responded a week later not even acknowledging what he said, just with kisses.

Oh wow, the more you say the more of a lunatic he sounds. Sorry but I would have stuck up my middle finger at him a long time ago and binned him off. There’s no way a man would get away with saying that crap to me.