Is this gaslighting

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Sometimes he seems all over the place. He started talking to me again on the Friday (before this whole argument). I was generally unresponsive because he had disappeared for a month. I'd read his whatsapp messages but not respond. He started sending kisses and then when I didn't respond started saying "have a delightful weekend" and asking what my weekend plans were etc. I still wasn't responsive because then he said he was hoping I'd block him if I was upset with him but obviously I was lying about being unhappy with him because "something is making me hold on". Just trying to get a reaction out of me I suppose. That part of the conversation didn't really bother me and I was responding cooly or sometimes not at all and it seemed to annoy him.

I think he then got drunk, later on he messaged me. He said he's "a (the horrible see you next Tuesday)" word. And that I "obviously like it otherwise I wouldn't still be here". And I said that I was just online but I hadn't really been engaging in conversation with him, but that I didn't like how he behaved. And then he said I should have blocked him and that I was stupid not for doing so, and that I shouldn't have pretended to like his behaviour if I didn't.

I think it's quite arrogant to say "yeah, I'm unpleasant but you like it"....

Yes 100% arrogant. He sounds like a very narcissistic and dangerous individual to be honest. He is definitely the sort to be abusive in a relationship.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

And then he'd use the justification of "well if they didn't like it they should have left".

Probably yes. I actually can’t stand men like that. They make me so angry honestly, who do they think they are.

 

[Pixie1]

I wish I had the strength to do that a long time ago. I used to just forgive hoping things would be different, but they never are.

No and they never will......

 

[HelloStereo]

Oh wow, the more you say the more of a lunatic he sounds. Sorry but I would have stuck up my middle finger at him a long time ago and binned him off. There’s no way a man would get away with saying that crap to me.

I wish I had the strength to do that a long time ago. I used to just forgive hoping things would be different, but they never are.

 

[HelloStereo]

He’s so arrogant and just generally unpleasant. I bet he’s a spoilt little mummies boy who cries to his mum whenever he wants something. Definitely block him on everything and don’t give him the satisfaction of replying to him ever again.

Sometimes he seems all over the place. He started talking to me again on the Friday (before this whole argument). I was generally unresponsive because he had disappeared for a month. I'd read his whatsapp messages but not respond. He started sending kisses and then when I didn't respond started saying "have a delightful weekend" and asking what my weekend plans were etc. I still wasn't responsive because then he said he was hoping I'd block him if I was upset with him but obviously I was lying about being unhappy with him because "something is making me hold on". Just trying to get a reaction out of me I suppose. That part of the conversation didn't really bother me and I was responding cooly or sometimes not at all and it seemed to annoy him.

I think he then got drunk, later on he messaged me. He said he's "a (the horrible see you next Tuesday)" word. And that I "obviously like it otherwise I wouldn't still be here". And I said that I was just online but I hadn't really been engaging in conversation with him, but that I didn't like how he behaved. And then he said I should have blocked him and that I was stupid not for doing so, and that I shouldn't have pretended to like his behaviour if I didn't.

I think it's quite arrogant to say "yeah, I'm unpleasant but you like it"....

 

[HelloStereo]

I met him on a dating site. And when he disappeared I didn't know if he was coming back so I put myself back out there so to speak. I saw him online (it had a little green online now tag).

I mentioned to him that he disappeared but was still on the dating site. He said he had deleted his profile and hadn't been online at all so I was lying. I was online and I could see he was online at that very moment. I screenshotted it and said "why not be honest" and he said he logged in the day before to see what he had written, and that it was deactivated after. I said it was from just now and he said he logged in to prove he hadn't been online in October.

 

[Pixie1]

Thank you for your kind words . I hope that I did the right thing. He sent me something boasting about his Tinder matches and I said that was hurtful since we had gone on a date. Then he said "it was a JOKE" and that I was being overbearing and too much and then went offline for a week or so.

During the conversation I mentioned in the original post he said "f you" and that I was an "f'ing liar" that I was stupid and selfish. He said I was stupid because if I thought badly of him all along why am I still there. I said it was hurtful to use that language and he said "sorry if you are hurt but I stand by what I say".

Then I started doubting myself. Maybe I'm an idiot for keeping him in my life before when there were things that made me unhappy. But I thought if I brought it up with him things would work out, instead of him getting annoyed and calling me stupid. It's such a mess.

Oh dear, I know it's hard to let go of someone if you have feelings for them (even if they treat you bad) but please try and get him out your system. I don't want to sound harsh, but he doesn't want you in the same way. He has no respect for you, so I hope you find the strength to delete him from your telephone and social media contacts so you can delete him from your life. Eventually you will find someone that loves and respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

[Lollipop2123]

I've not read all the replies but yes it is. Run for the hills.

 

[Pixie1]

Thank you, that was me on the other thread yes .

I do try (to be nice that is). That's why I was so hurt by all the gaslighting stuff as I kept thinking 'what could I do better?'

No, no, no please don't blame yourself! That's what people like him do! They play with your head and emotions so you start doubting yourself and make you think you're in the wrong. Nothing is your fault and you couldn't do anything better or different - its all down to him playing a game.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

He’s so arrogant and just generally unpleasant. I bet he’s a spoilt little mummies boy who cries to his mum whenever he wants something. Definitely block him on everything and don’t give him the satisfaction of replying to him ever again.

 

[HelloStereo]

hes a twat. Yes, this is classic gaslighting. Block him, delete his messages, never contact him ever again, never see him again, he’s bad news.

Thank you. I have been so exhausted thinking I was in the wrong I just needed some sort of outside confirmation. I met him on a dating site and when he disappeared I checked in to it again (partly because I didn't know if he would come back, partly because I admit, I wondered if he was still active). He was online a few times I noticed. I brought that up with him as well when he talked to me again and he said he hadn't been online in months. He was online as we were talking and I said. And then he said I had accused him of using it so he logged in to check what all the fuss was about.

 

[HelloStereo]

Yes absolutely gaslighting, please don’t doubt yourself either x

Thank you. I really try not to but you know when you go over the same thing in your head. Like when he says "I want to find someone who doesb't constantly accuse me of things" and so I think "am I being too sensitive? Does it matter? Do other people get upset about this or just me?" x

 

[The King in the North]

Thank you. I really try not to but you know when you go over the same thing in your head. Like when he says "I want to find someone who doesb't constantly accuse me of things" and so I think "am I being too sensitive? Does it matter? Do other people get upset about this or just me?" x

He's trying to make you feel bad for nothing. I wouldn't know what it's like to date, I've been with true same girl for over ten years straight and she was my first girlfriend. From what I've seen from my friends, it's gaslighting, they take the heat from themselves by projecting it onto others.

 

[HelloStereo]

YES! That IS gaslighting! Sounds weird but I remember you from the post about your friend owing you money, from what I’ve gathered you’re a really nice person

but this guy massively gaslit you! Sounds like a right dick

Thank you, that was me on the other thread yes .

I do try (to be nice that is). That's why I was so hurt by all the gaslighting stuff as I kept thinking 'what could I do better?'

 

[HelloStereo]

Yes 100% arrogant. He sounds like a very narcissistic and dangerous individual to be honest. He is definitely the sort to be abusive in a relationship.

And then he'd use the justification of "well if they didn't like it they should have left".

 

[HelloStereo]

Probably yes. I actually can’t stand men like that. They make me so angry honestly, who do they think they are.

I think deep down they know, but they don't have the character to acknowledge the hurt so they deflect. I have known him since June. I suggested something nice for a date and he told me that talking to me was a chore. Then responded a week later not even acknowledging what he said, just with kisses.

 

[HelloStereo]

He's trying to make you feel bad for nothing. I wouldn't know what it's like to date, I've been with true same girl for over ten years straight and she was my first girlfriend. From what I've seen from my friends, it's gaslighting, they take the heat from themselves by projecting it onto others.

Yes, like they cannot acknowledge if they have hurt someone and instead they respond by attacking the other person. It just means that there are so many issues that are left unaddressed and in the end you're scared to say something in case as you know they will twist it and put the blame back on you.

Your relationship sounds lovely. My best friend married her first boyfriend in August of this year .

 

[HelloStereo]

No, no, no please don't blame yourself! That's what people like him do! They play with your head and emotions so you start doubting yourself and make you think you're in the wrong. Nothing is your fault and you couldn't do anything better or different - its all down to him playing a game.

Thank you for your kind words . I hope that I did the right thing. He sent me something boasting about his Tinder matches and I said that was hurtful since we had gone on a date. Then he said "it was a JOKE" and that I was being overbearing and too much and then went offline for a week or so.

During the conversation I mentioned in the original post he said "f you" and that I was an "f'ing liar" that I was stupid and selfish. He said I was stupid because if I thought badly of him all along why am I still there. I said it was hurtful to use that language and he said "sorry if you are hurt but I stand by what I say".

Then I started doubting myself. Maybe I'm an idiot for keeping him in my life before when there were things that made me unhappy. But I thought if I brought it up with him things would work out, instead of him getting annoyed and calling me stupid. It's such a mess.

 

[HelloStereo]

I was with someone like this (on and off because that was part of the gaslighting - ignoring me for weeks then when I assumed it was over, I was the bad guy) for 7 years. It makes you really unwell and it's also quite hard to escape from when you're in the clutches. You've genuinely had a lucky escape that he's shown his colours this early on while you can still easily get out. And I agree with the poster who said about your lending money post - you seem like a genuinely nice person and you don't deserve to be treated like this. You'll definitely meet someone more worthy of you!

7 years! I am sorry to hear about that, it must have been so difficult especially after seven years as you must have been quite invested in the relationship. I hope that you are in a much better place now. It's really difficult and you really doubt yourself so well done for detangling yourself from that situation after that time.

I'm one of those people that likes to see the best in people. I'm not really one of those super strong people with an iron will who block and delete at the first sign of trouble, I always make excuses and almost come up with my own narrative as to why they are acting a certain way. I used to get so happy to be talking to him again I'd not bring up anything said in the past.