So glad I found this thread it makes me feel less alone. I'm so happy for the people who have found balance and contentment in their lives, but as for me to really be honest I feel mostly sad and melancholy borderline depressed.
I'm at an awkward age (just turned 45 today) and yes probably peri menopausal, I love my kids deeply (I have 4 and the youngest is 5) but probably like a lot of mums out there I feel like I have lost myself.
I found lockdown a contradiction in one sense I enjoyed it because I'm an introvert and not having to interact with people felt like a blessing but I wonder if it's turned into a curse because now I very rarely leave the house and I am definitely isolated.
Add to that a relationship with my husband that he has little emotional investment in, a sex life that ended abruptly about 3 years ago and has barely resumed since, family that I'm estranged from, no friends, and lots of responsibility and I just feel like I survive but not live.
I am full of well meaning and good intentions but honestly it feels like I'm gaslighting myself at this point (a habit I picked up from narc parents) now I do it to myself.)
Always feels like I'm promising myself things that I then have little motivation to carry out, in other words I'm just living in my head
I'm not neuro typical either just to make things even harder (and neither are 2 of my children).
I feel like the anxiety is the worst I regularly feel on edge and apprehensive dreading the next meltdown or someone getting sick, or a problem arising or something being complicated.
I just feel like my nervous system struggles to handle it?
I did use drink and cigarettes in the past to alleviate that sense, but I stopped and honestly sometimes I miss it (temporary relief)
Yeah this is turning into a right dirge isn't it, I think I was a victim of narcissistic abuse growing up and in my marriage and they groom you with highs (love bombing) and extremes of feeling, like a rush of blood to the head, and I think somewhere along the line I got addicted to feeling unbalanced (high and then low) and loved the idea of a exciting and stimulating exotic life, we lived in Albania for a while and I was captivated by the sun, the beauty, the food ,the culture and that sense of feeling radiantly alive.
I felt beautiful and sensuous, and feminine, and then I came back to live in London and it was a shock to the system, I was alone my husband works all the time, my kids needed lots of attention and yes I feel invisible.
I admit it I have had times of being spoilt and that makes me hard to relate to or be sympathetic towards, but then again I was spoilt because (like my husband now) my parents didn't want to invest any time or effort on me, it was it's own way of just abandoning a child, and I found it difficult afterwards to accept boundaries or discipline and despite being considered bright at school I just flunked out, so I have that regret as well, I cut off my nose to spite my face (self sabotage) and now the guilt looms in my head, always ready to remind me of what I could have been, but look at what I ended up being (a stay at home carer ) who doesn't get any respite.
I don't resent my kids (sorry if that's how it comes across) more I'm angry at myself for being foolish, for believing people who lie and hoodwink and manipulate and just use me, and for not having the sense to fight for a better life, instead of being stuck at people pleasing mode, which predictably enough isn't pleasing anyone let alone me.
)
) but I couldn't be without him He really is my best friend soulmate and lover rolled in to one. 
