Is anyone really happy?

[shadowcat5]

Not really. I am content most of the time and I live for the small moments of joy but I find the grind of life so draining. The weekend comes around and then it’s Monday again. I like my job so I am lucky in that regard but I find the whole thing draining. it feels like the week passes me by and just nothing happens. Same old same old. Truthfully there are times where I don’t want to be alive because of it. I’m only in my late twenties. I’ve got years of this exhaustion

 

[givemethenight]

I’m not happy. I truly used to be, but a few years ago I lost our first baby at just shy of 24w pregnant in terribly traumatic circumstances. It turned out that I am a carrier for a rare genetic disease that would be fatal to a baby in utero, or at best, a few days after birth.

Since then my husband and I have been on a wretched journey of IVF with genetic testing. My first transfer worked but then I inexplicably miscarried at 8w. 2 subsequent transfers failed. It’s been nearly 2.5 years of hell and no baby.

We are gearing up for another transfer but have hit another roadblock along the way so it will be delayed.

My husband and my relationship has suffered as a result. Our sex life is pretty much nonexistent unless I instigate it. I don’t think he fancies me anymore and I don’t fancy him. (We’ve been together 14 years this year and this horrible predicament has wiped out any spark).

I just feel like a failed science experiment. Not a woman.

Work is also really stressful at the moment.

I have also recently done something really awful - another man who is a friend kissed me after Christmas. I immediately regretted it and wanted to forget it. But he pursued me for a bit and then it happened again last week. This man is also engaged and I have realised the past few days what a shitshow this all is and so I’ve called it off before anything else happens.

But the saddest thing is I’m still thinking about him - he made me feel sexy and desirable and like a woman again. Things I haven’t felt in years. But we both know it’s wrong so it has to end. But now I feel more dissatisfied than ever. My life is such a mess.

It helped to “confess” that but, wow, what a disaster my life is.

Sorry, OP! I really needed to get that out

 

[AutumnSpring]

I am not too sure how to start this off but I guess the question is as it says. Is anyone really happy?

I am happy, in general, with my life but I just have this feeling there is so much more. I’ve been told by friends/partner/therapist that I tend to fantasise a lot so I find it hard to distinguish if I am unhappy or if this is just the way life is for “normal” people and not the jet setting, romance movies where everyone has a gaggle of girlfriends, a soulmate husband and fun filled family Christmases.

I am struggling with my partner at the moment, we seem to argue over the slightest thing and he makes me unhappy a lot more than he makes me happy, is this just normal life for most people? Is anyone really living in the fantasy life where you come home from work everyday and you can’t keep your hands off eachother and you’re head over heels in love?

 

[Tree_]

I don't strive for happiness because I believe being content is good and realistic and then moments of happiness will intersperse

 

[tomato_paste]

I'm not happy. Broke off a relationship with a man I thought I would marry two years ago and ever since then (and even during the relationship to be perfectly honest) my life is one boring uniform day after another. Lockdowns didn't help of course. Neither does working from home full time.

I work, I walk the dog, I watch telly, I sleep. Repeat.

I have no idea where any of the excitement went that I used to have about life. I feel utterly old and used up but I haven't acheived half of what I once thought I would be capable of. But I have no motivation to try either.

 

[Kim Mild]

No , I'm not happy. I'm trying to go through things and work out why I'm not, cos on the surface things seem OK and I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

I wonder if hormones play a part somehow. It would be easier to blame hormones, than blame myself.

I'm bored with life . I find my children and pets really hard work most days. Everyday is the same , I don't get anything productive done and I spend the whole day repeating myself.

I'm lonely. Also I'm surrounded by people in my house and I crave solitude . I know that sounds like a contradiction.

I think I still grieve for my parents who have both passed on .

I certainly don't have a fairy tale marriage with my husband. It's ok, but it's boring and we never do anything fun anymore. He does my head in a lot of the time which I think is linked to the fact I'm never alone.

 

[tinkertailorsoldierspy]

I think a lot of it is expectations. We are shown all these Netflix shows and social media portrayals where women and men have ridiculously perfect styled hair, make up, clothes with pristine houses and relationships where sex is plentiful and wonderful.
And in reality it's not like that. Real life is so far removed from these unrealistic and often unobtainable portrayals.
I think the best way to try to be happy is to be kind to yourself. Appreciate the small things and the everyday things like nature. Just love yourself throughout all the ups and downs. That's what I'm trying to do anyway, though it's often not easy.

 

[Chilli_Heeler]

If it helps, I find the extended family Christmases stressful, hard work, tiring and irritating. I imagine it to be warm and cosy and magical, it never is. My happiest Christmas was when we had Covid and it was just the four of us and we did our own thing and werent forced to people please. It makes me a bit sad but the fall out of not pleasing extended family is scary.

 

[Woolmercardington]

No, not really. I'm just plodding through life without actually living it.

 

[skintsocks]

The simple answer is no. I did a runner once, and I didn't do it the right way. I returned. There is no connection whatsoever with my husband. I returned for my children. He chucks money at me for my birthday and he thinks that's all he needs to do. The children are now away and I am stuck with him and he absolutely gives me the ick. He controls the tv and everything else and we have the same programmes on every single fucking night and he thinks that is fine, but it's just so boring. I have tried to fancy him whilst drunk but he's really repulsive and I can't even stand him touching me. I try, I try so hard, but I find nothing attractive about him anymore. He just has nothing about him. I know I'm not his type also, so when I really really tried recently, he just can't. He can't do what he claims he wants to do. You know what I'm saying. Am I really spending my life like this? Not quite sure what to do.

 

[slugella]

I'm not happy all day every day but the majority of the time I would say so. For me I think a big part of it is being childfree, the life really suits me.

I'm not rich by any means, my salary is not great as I work for a charity, so still have to budget and do worry about retirement sometimes.

It all depends on when you ask someone too, as for me it hasn't always been this way I have been through hard times, feels like life is ebbs and flows! One thing that helped me a lot was building community around me and putting more effort into my family and friendships. I also started trying new things, even little things like a pottery taster class, candle making workshop, dance classes even though I have no rhythm and look a sight haha. I try to act like I'm not here for long so may aswell make the most of it and try have some adventures and good experiences.

 

[Kim Mild]

No, not really. I'm just plodding through life without actually living it.

I feel like I just exist ,too , rather than actually living . It's quite sad , I think I'm going to look back on this period of my life with regret.

 

[Megansnarkle]

The simple answer is no. I did a runner once, and I didn't do it the right way. I returned. There is no connection whatsoever with my husband. I returned for my children. He chucks money at me for my birthday and he thinks that's all he needs to do. The children are now away and I am stuck with him and he absolutely gives me the ick. He controls the tv and everything else and we have the same programmes on every single fucking night and he thinks that is fine, but it's just so boring. I have tried to fancy him whilst drunk but he's really repulsive and I can't even stand him touching me. I try, I try so hard, but I find nothing attractive about him anymore. He just has nothing about him. I know I'm not his type also, so when I really really tried recently, he just can't. He can't do what he claims he wants to do. You know what I'm saying. Am I really spending my life like this? Not quite sure what to do.

Leave him. Or at the very least start living your own life right now. Don't fancy what he wants to watch on TV? Why not say that and then take yourself off to the bedroom to watch something on another screen or do something else? Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house at least one evening a week, learn something new at home. Make time for you and stop having your life dictated to by someone you don't even seem to like.

 

[jawidjanqndn]

No, far from it. I have a quite toxic mindset with myself if I’m honest, for years now I’ve said ‘when I get this job I’ll be happy’ ect. It’s now a ‘when I get a boyfriend I’ll be happy’ and I know that isn’t true at all but I just can’t ever be content with my life. I’m extremely independent and I almost put a front on that I’m okay and content with being on my own but I’m really not lol. It’s all a facade on social media I would love to be truly happy. I am grateful in ways as I used to suffer very badly with depression & quite honestly never thought I’d make it to today, I would of rather been 6 foot under so in the scale of things I’m doing ‘well’, but I wish one day I’d be able to turn the thoughts off and just live in the moment as it’s so draining.

 

[Gossgirl12]

I'd say I'm very in-between at the moment. I'm very much an over thinker and I mourn my old life, I'm only early thirties now but I spent my entire 20's with a man who ended up being the most selfish, cruel, narcissistic man that I now feel like I've wasted what should have been the best years of my life. It was a very boring relationship also, never went on dates etc. I can't say I regret it as that relationship gave me my son who I adore and love more than anything but I spend a lot of time thinking about what could have been, how different my life might be now if I hadn't met him. I'd say that I have a comfortable life in that I've got a good job, earn good money, have lots of friends, a wonderful close family, but I've also very much turned in to an introvert whereas before, I was very much an extrovert. I feel like I need to start living again. I also can never imagine a day where I'd ever be able to get into a relationship again, even though I'd love to be with someone again, one day. I'm almost scared of men now yet I cry when I see cute couple videos I think many of us have our down days, where it seems like the world is against us but I do always try to see the good in what I've got compared to some. It's just very hard sometimes.

 

[Rosie glow]

Yes and no, I love my husband dearly (yes sometimes I could hit him over the head with a shovel ) but I couldn't be without him He really is my best friend soulmate and lover rolled in to one.
We have been together 14 years married for 3 the life we planned together didn't go to plan (it turns out I can't have children i have 2 steps) so even though we are happy we will never be truly happy because we will never have the family together that we so desperately wanted, hope that makes sense.
I'm almost 44 and that part of my life is over now and I feel more settled in myself. I went to some very dark places throughout my infertility stage but thankfully I have come through that now and I can cope with life again.
We definitely get out and about more and do more as a couple now and we are as happy as we can be without our own family.

 

[Misbehaving]

So glad I found this thread it makes me feel less alone. I'm so happy for the people who have found balance and contentment in their lives, but as for me to really be honest I feel mostly sad and melancholy borderline depressed.
I'm at an awkward age (just turned 45 today) and yes probably peri menopausal, I love my kids deeply (I have 4 and the youngest is 5) but probably like a lot of mums out there I feel like I have lost myself.
I found lockdown a contradiction in one sense I enjoyed it because I'm an introvert and not having to interact with people felt like a blessing but I wonder if it's turned into a curse because now I very rarely leave the house and I am definitely isolated.
Add to that a relationship with my husband that he has little emotional investment in, a sex life that ended abruptly about 3 years ago and has barely resumed since, family that I'm estranged from, no friends, and lots of responsibility and I just feel like I survive but not live.
I am full of well meaning and good intentions but honestly it feels like I'm gaslighting myself at this point (a habit I picked up from narc parents) now I do it to myself.)
Always feels like I'm promising myself things that I then have little motivation to carry out, in other words I'm just living in my head
I'm not neuro typical either just to make things even harder (and neither are 2 of my children).
I feel like the anxiety is the worst I regularly feel on edge and apprehensive dreading the next meltdown or someone getting sick, or a problem arising or something being complicated. I just feel like my nervous system struggles to handle it?

I did use drink and cigarettes in the past to alleviate that sense, but I stopped and honestly sometimes I miss it (temporary relief)
Yeah this is turning into a right dirge isn't it, I think I was a victim of narcissistic abuse growing up and in my marriage and they groom you with highs (love bombing) and extremes of feeling, like a rush of blood to the head, and I think somewhere along the line I got addicted to feeling unbalanced (high and then low) and loved the idea of a exciting and stimulating exotic life, we lived in Albania for a while and I was captivated by the sun, the beauty, the food ,the culture and that sense of feeling radiantly alive.
I felt beautiful and sensuous, and feminine, and then I came back to live in London and it was a shock to the system, I was alone my husband works all the time, my kids needed lots of attention and yes I feel invisible.
I admit it I have had times of being spoilt and that makes me hard to relate to or be sympathetic towards, but then again I was spoilt because (like my husband now) my parents didn't want to invest any time or effort on me, it was it's own way of just abandoning a child, and I found it difficult afterwards to accept boundaries or discipline and despite being considered bright at school I just flunked out, so I have that regret as well, I cut off my nose to spite my face (self sabotage) and now the guilt looms in my head, always ready to remind me of what I could have been, but look at what I ended up being (a stay at home carer ) who doesn't get any respite.
I don't resent my kids (sorry if that's how it comes across) more I'm angry at myself for being foolish, for believing people who lie and hoodwink and manipulate and just use me, and for not having the sense to fight for a better life, instead of being stuck at people pleasing mode, which predictably enough isn't pleasing anyone let alone me.

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

I am not too sure how to start this off but I guess the question is as it says. Is anyone really happy?

I am happy, in general, with my life but I just have this feeling there is so much more. I’ve been told by friends/partner/therapist that I tend to fantasise a lot so I find it hard to distinguish if I am unhappy or if this is just the way life is for “normal” people and not the jet setting, romance movies where everyone has a gaggle of girlfriends, a soulmate husband and fun filled family Christmases.

I am struggling with my partner at the moment, we seem to argue over the slightest thing and he makes me unhappy a lot more than he makes me happy, is this just normal life for most people? Is anyone really living in the fantasy life where you come home from work everyday and you can’t keep your hands off eachother and you’re head over heels in love?

I felt like this for a long time - that there was always something more out there and if I could just get my hands on it I’d be happy. So I worked harder to the point of exhaustion, I bought more things that everyone else seemed to be getting joy from. I went more places… it was never enough and it never made me any happier.

A huge part of my constant striving for more was to do with my childhood and ultimately never being good enough for my parents despite being successful and their negativity has also leeched into adult life.

It took me years to understand it and since I have I’ve set clear boundaries where they’re held at arms length, surrounded myself with people that enrich my life and I’ve stepped away from posting much on social media.

I hadn’t realised how problematic the likes of Instagram had become in my life until I had a family bereavement and it was like a lightbulb moment for me - that none of that shit ever mattered and buying a new water bottle or gym wear that all these influencers advertise wouldn’t make me happy.

You’re obviously already in therapy so it’s definitely worthwhile continuing to explore what you are already exploring but to provide some reassurance… I’m the happiest I’ve ever been right now after years of feeling the way you described in your post.

 

[kettlecrisp32]

I feel like I just exist ,too , rather than actually living . It's quite sad , I think I'm going to look back on this period of my life with regret.

I feel exactly this at the moment. I had a really difficult few months last year - my mum died and then I broke up with my partner, not long after. Although I wasn’t happy with a lot of how the relationship was, I still felt content/settled, weird as that may sound. We argued a lot and I was very frustrated with a lot of his behaviour but I still felt content to just do nothing when I was with him. Now we’ve broken up I feel unsettled and just feel like I’m ‘getting through’ life rather than living or enjoying it. I want to try and be content being single for a while but I just feel like I want to be in a relationship and have someone there and that I won’t feel happy unless I do

 

[Moolo]

Yes and no, I love my husband dearly (yes sometimes I could hit him over the head with a shovel ) but I couldn't be without him He really is my best friend soulmate and lover rolled in to one.
We have been together 14 years married for 3 the life we planned together didn't go to plan (it turns out I can't have children i have 2 steps) so even though we are happy we will never be truly happy because we will never have the family together that we so desperately wanted, hope that makes sense.
I'm almost 44 and that part of my life is over now and I feel more settled in myself. I went to some very dark places throughout my infertility stage but thankfully I have come through that now and I can cope with life again.
We definitely get out and about more and do more as a couple now and we are as happy as we can be without our own family.

This is my journey too - at 40 starting to make peace with it but feel exactly as you do/did. I spoke to someone who is a bit older last week and she said that the dark times do pass and in the end you learn to live with a different life you imagined but one that could be wonderful all the same.