How to deal with demanding bride.

[honey&lemon]

I feel really sorry for people who can’t afford all of this but feel they have to for the bride - it seems to be really common now. Being a guest at an all-day wedding is expensive enough by the time you factor in outfits, drinks, possible accommodation. But if you throw in a long weekend at Ocean Beach, a “home henny” and activities - and contributing to the bride’s share too - it’s a huge ask.

There’s no easy way around it but you have to be true to yourself….and someone needs to give her a few home truths, be it you alone or all the bridesmaids.

I was a bridesmaid a few years back and it was much lower key than this. But I had spent so much time helping the bride in the week before the wedding then she wanted me to do something with them the Monday after the wedding too - I was bloody exhausted and honestly sick of the sight of her by then!

To be honest I can’t even go along with it to keep the peace. I literally don’t have the money. We’ve closed all our credit cards and removed our overdrafts as we’re trying to tackle our debts. I simply don’t have the option of paying for all of it.

I can’t even book anything for the hen do on the basis people will pay be back later on. Everyone needs to pay me up front. It’s going to be so awkward to have to demand money from everyone but we don’t have any spare cash. And she knows that which makes it even harder to confront her about it.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

To be honest I can’t even go along with it to keep the peace. I literally don’t have the money. We’ve closed all our credit cards and removed our overdrafts as we’re trying to tackle our debts. I simply don’t have the option of paying for all of it.

I can’t even book anything for the hen do on the basis people will pay be back later on. Everyone needs to pay me up front. It’s going to be so awkward to have to demand money from everyone but we don’t have any spare cash. And she knows that which makes it even harder to confront her about it.

Honestly, I’d tell the bride to shove it up her arse. Presumably you are close if you are a bridesmaid and arranging this stuff? So she must be aware of your financial position. it’s very unfair and self involved of her to put all this on you.

id seriously tell her the truth - that you feel it’s far too much pressure to organise so many things over and above a single hen do and that you haven’t got the money to book/pay for any of it and that her whole attitude stinks and that she’s being completely unreasonable. If I was you I’d probably tell her you’d rather not even be a bridesmaid.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

To be honest I can’t even go along with it to keep the peace. I literally don’t have the money. We’ve closed all our credit cards and removed our overdrafts as we’re trying to tackle our debts. I simply don’t have the option of paying for all of it.

I can’t even book anything for the hen do on the basis people will pay be back later on. Everyone needs to pay me up front. It’s going to be so awkward to have to demand money from everyone but we don’t have any spare cash. And she knows that which makes it even harder to confront her about it.

Even if you had endless pots of cash, it’s a huge ask. And who has time to make the arrangements, work out the cost, tell people the arrangements and then collect the money (I used to do a lottery syndicate at work and getting £4 a month from people was bad enough). And everyone will come to you with their questions, dietary requirements, reminders of where they’ve to be.

She’s being really unreasonable but hopefully she’s just swept up in the whole thing and has lost perspective

 

[Becca0888]

Heeey!! This thread is 2 years old lol but I need help!!! Am I being unreasonable??
So, my sister asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding next year, I obviously accepted, everything was great! Up until my sister order mine/bridesmaids dresses, she never asked if we would feel good in them, never showed us a picture, just ordered them, the dresses are a tight material, very body hugging, shows all the imperfections and has a big split down the leg, when I tried this dress on I instantly felt stupid! I am curvy, I have a mum tum and also cellulite, so as you could imagine I just didn’t feel confident nor comfortable, I explained this to my sister but naturally she told me I looked great and to just trust her, I looked back on the photos of us all wearing the dresses and couldn’t help but feel sick at the sight of myself compared to the other bridesmaids, this resulted in me and my sister having a falling out, I was strong in really not feeling comfy but she just passed me off with ‘these are my dream bridesmaid dresses’
6 month later I myself was given the chance to buy my own dress as long as it was the colour scheme. My sister was happy with the dress, all was good.
My sister has now dropped the bombshell that SHE will be choosing the shoes, jewellery, makeup and hair for us all, we do not have a say as it fits her ‘vision’ yet again I am mid falling out with her as she wants us to have our hair down curly, I HATE my hair down due to medical reasons which she is obviously aware of. My sister is claiming that I am being picky and that I need to realise that this is her wedding, not mine.
please may add, although she has picked EVERYTHING as it goes with her ‘dream vision’ WE HAVE TO PAY FOR IT ALL BESIDES THE DRESS.
Surly we can have a say on our hair/makeup etc????
Sorry for the long message please help.

 

[Rxt156]

Heeey!! This thread is 2 years old lol but I need help!!! Am I being unreasonable??
So, my sister asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding next year, I obviously accepted, everything was great! Up until my sister order mine/bridesmaids dresses, she never asked if we would feel good in them, never showed us a picture, just ordered them, the dresses are a tight material, very body hugging, shows all the imperfections and has a big split down the leg, when I tried this dress on I instantly felt stupid! I am curvy, I have a mum tum and also cellulite, so as you could imagine I just didn’t feel confident nor comfortable, I explained this to my sister but naturally she told me I looked great and to just trust her, I looked back on the photos of us all wearing the dresses and couldn’t help but feel sick at the sight of myself compared to the other bridesmaids, this resulted in me and my sister having a falling out, I was strong in really not feeling comfy but she just passed me off with ‘these are my dream bridesmaid dresses’
6 month later I myself was given the chance to buy my own dress as long as it was the colour scheme. My sister was happy with the dress, all was good.
My sister has now dropped the bombshell that SHE will be choosing the shoes, jewellery, makeup and hair for us all, we do not have a say as it fits her ‘vision’ yet again I am mid falling out with her as she wants us to have our hair down curly, I HATE my hair down due to medical reasons which she is obviously aware of. My sister is claiming that I am being picky and that I need to realise that this is her wedding, not mine.
please may add, although she has picked EVERYTHING as it goes with her ‘dream vision’ WE HAVE TO PAY FOR IT ALL BESIDES THE DRESS.
Surly we can have a say on our hair/makeup etc????
Sorry for the long message please help.

Bridezilla.com

why does she have to control EVERY DETAIL? Have you asked her? Is she worried about photos? No one cares if bridesmaids have different hair. If you’re paying for it then you should be able to pick. She needs to be reminded that it’s just one day. I hate when people get so caught up in it that they lose sense of reality.

 

[Becca0888]

Bridezilla.com

why does she have to control EVERY DETAIL? Have you asked her? Is she worried about photos? No one cares if bridesmaids have different hair. If you’re paying for it then you should be able to pick. She needs to be reminded that it’s just one day. I hate when people get so caught up in it that they lose sense of reality.

I have asked her if we can pick our own hair etc but she’s said no as she wants the wedding how she’s visioned it.
she’s obsessed with the photos!! I am putting little pamper boxes together for the night before as a little gift from me to the bridal party, the intension is to give them the night before, but my sister as said no, she wants me to give them the morning of “because the bags will look nice lined up for photographs”
Putting this nicely, she’s in dreamland far too much!! I could go on for hours about her planning the wedding, I feel bad but then I also don’t because we aren’t her dress up dolls for the day, surely we are fine to get chose our hair and stuff. When I speak to her she has a breakdown and cries saying it’s her wedding.

 

[Rxt156]

I have asked her if we can pick our own hair etc but she’s said no as she wants the wedding how she’s visioned it.
she’s obsessed with the photos!! I am putting little pamper boxes together for the night before as a little gift from me to the bridal party, the intension is to give them the night before, but my sister as said no, she wants me to give them the morning of “because the bags will look nice lined up for photographs”
Putting this nicely, she’s in dreamland far too much!! I could go on for hours about her planning the wedding, I feel bad but then I also don’t because we aren’t her dress up dolls for the day, surely we are fine to get chose our hair and stuff. When I speak to her she has a breakdown and cries saying it’s her wedding.

If she is worried about bridesmaid hair that much I think she is being massively OTT. It won’t ruin her day/the photos if you have a hairstyle you like. She needs to be reminded of reality I think. Sorry she’s putting you through this

 

[Becca0888]

If she is worried about bridesmaid hair that much I think she is being massively OTT. It won’t ruin her day/the photos if you have a hairstyle you like. She needs to be reminded of reality I think. Sorry she’s putting you through this

Thank you, I love her dearly but I’m not a lab rat for the day just because she wants her pictures to look good.

 

[Megansnarkle]

Heeey!! This thread is 2 years old lol but I need help!!! Am I being unreasonable??
So, my sister asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding next year, I obviously accepted, everything was great! Up until my sister order mine/bridesmaids dresses, she never asked if we would feel good in them, never showed us a picture, just ordered them, the dresses are a tight material, very body hugging, shows all the imperfections and has a big split down the leg, when I tried this dress on I instantly felt stupid! I am curvy, I have a mum tum and also cellulite, so as you could imagine I just didn’t feel confident nor comfortable, I explained this to my sister but naturally she told me I looked great and to just trust her, I looked back on the photos of us all wearing the dresses and couldn’t help but feel sick at the sight of myself compared to the other bridesmaids, this resulted in me and my sister having a falling out, I was strong in really not feeling comfy but she just passed me off with ‘these are my dream bridesmaid dresses’
6 month later I myself was given the chance to buy my own dress as long as it was the colour scheme. My sister was happy with the dress, all was good.
My sister has now dropped the bombshell that SHE will be choosing the shoes, jewellery, makeup and hair for us all, we do not have a say as it fits her ‘vision’ yet again I am mid falling out with her as she wants us to have our hair down curly, I HATE my hair down due to medical reasons which she is obviously aware of. My sister is claiming that I am being picky and that I need to realise that this is her wedding, not mine.
please may add, although she has picked EVERYTHING as it goes with her ‘dream vision’ WE HAVE TO PAY FOR IT ALL BESIDES THE DRESS.
Surly we can have a say on our hair/makeup etc????
Sorry for the long message please help.

Honestly, does it matter? They aren't your wedding photos so realistically, how often will you see them? In an ideal world you'd feel great but it's not your wedding and all eyes will be on the bride anyway. You've got your way on the dress, so maybe give a bit on the hair/make-up etc? You can always sell the jewellery, shoes etc after.

The alternative is to try and persuade her that complementary styles can look better than matchy matchy bridesmaids.

 

[Becca0888]

Honestly, does it matter? They aren't your wedding photos so realistically, how often will you see them? In an ideal world you'd feel great but it's not your wedding and all eyes will be on the bride anyway. You've got your way on the dress, so maybe give a bit on the hair/make-up etc? You can always sell the jewellery, shoes etc after.

The alternative is to try and persuade her that complementary styles can look better than matchy matchy bridesmaids.

Give way on the things I am having to pay for? When it’s not my choices? All 7 bridesmaids have had half paid towards their dresses but I’ve paid for mine in full? To now top it off, I’m also having to buy my own shoes and everything else although it’s what she chooses?

 

[Snippysnips]

Heeey!! This thread is 2 years old lol but I need help!!! Am I being unreasonable??
So, my sister asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding next year, I obviously accepted, everything was great! Up until my sister order mine/bridesmaids dresses, she never asked if we would feel good in them, never showed us a picture, just ordered them, the dresses are a tight material, very body hugging, shows all the imperfections and has a big split down the leg, when I tried this dress on I instantly felt stupid! I am curvy, I have a mum tum and also cellulite, so as you could imagine I just didn’t feel confident nor comfortable, I explained this to my sister but naturally she told me I looked great and to just trust her, I looked back on the photos of us all wearing the dresses and couldn’t help but feel sick at the sight of myself compared to the other bridesmaids, this resulted in me and my sister having a falling out, I was strong in really not feeling comfy but she just passed me off with ‘these are my dream bridesmaid dresses’
6 month later I myself was given the chance to buy my own dress as long as it was the colour scheme. My sister was happy with the dress, all was good.
My sister has now dropped the bombshell that SHE will be choosing the shoes, jewellery, makeup and hair for us all, we do not have a say as it fits her ‘vision’ yet again I am mid falling out with her as she wants us to have our hair down curly, I HATE my hair down due to medical reasons which she is obviously aware of. My sister is claiming that I am being picky and that I need to realise that this is her wedding, not mine.
please may add, although she has picked EVERYTHING as it goes with her ‘dream vision’ WE HAVE TO PAY FOR IT ALL BESIDES THE DRESS.
Surly we can have a say on our hair/makeup etc????
Sorry for the long message please help.

My brother's wife was like this, had everything picked out with no say from me if it was fine or not an I was the one having to pay, the dress was absolutely fking awful with a split going from basically near the top all the way right down, I honestly felt so exposed in it an was not going to be comfortable, she also wanted my hair pulled tight an basically glued to my head which tension just gives me a headache an there was absolute no way I was going to get size 2 shoes in the style she wanted an I certainly wasn't going to walk about like a clown in shoes too big, but she refused to listen to me

So come the day of the wedding, I'd had the dress into the dressmakers to sew up the split, got my own shoes an made sure the hairstyle was similar to what she wanted but wasn't pulled tight back an glued down with hairspray, don't think she was happy but not much you can do on the day of the wedding is it

 

[Becca0888]

My brother's wife was like this, had everything picked out with no say from me if it was fine or not an I was the one having to pay, the dress was absolutely fking awful with a split going from basically near the top all the way right down, I honestly felt so exposed in it an was not going to be comfortable, she also wanted my hair pulled tight an basically glued to my head which tension just gives me a headache an there was absolute no way I was going to get size 2 shoes in the style she wanted an I certainly wasn't going to walk about like a clown in shoes too big, but she refused to listen to me

So come the day of the wedding, I'd had the dress into the dressmakers to sew up the split, got my own shoes an made sure the hairstyle was similar to what she wanted but wasn't pulled tight back an glued down with hairspray, don't think she was happy but not much you can do on the day of the wedding is it

That’s exactly how the original dress was, the split on the other girls looked really nice because they are a lot thinner then me, but when I wore the dress, my leg and thigh was constantly on show, to the point of me having to hold the material together, it just didn’t seem fitting considering it’s a church wedding

 

[honey&lemon]

When I got married I asked the bridesmaids repeatedly what they thought of the dresses I liked, they didn’t care. So I went with the dress I liked. Apart from that, they chose their own shoes, jewellery etc. I paid for their hair and make up but they chose the styles

No one is going to be looking at those details in photos, as long as the dress colour goes along with the general scheme I really don’t see the need for everything else to be matchy matchy.

I started this original thread about another bridezilla and honestly for everything they get so worked up about they don’t notice half on the day. And it’s not what is supposed to matter either. Did your sister envision you not being there on the day? I’d say not. So tell her to wise up or that’s what’ll be happening.

 

[Snippysnips]

That’s exactly how the original dress was, the split on the other girls looked really nice because they are a lot thinner then me, but when I wore the dress, my leg and thigh was constantly on show, to the point of me having to hold the material together, it just didn’t seem fitting considering it’s a church wedding

Honestly splits I feel just don't look great at all, I felt like my knickers were going be on show for everyone to see an the worst part was, we tried them on an I specifically said no to it because of that, but she wouldn't listen so I adapted the dress an never said anything

Honestly I'd say as long as it's not massively different then change whatever, our dresses were long so you couldn't see shoes so I had no problem wearing what I wanted since I couldn't get my size in what she wanted, the split was noticeably when you walked an since I was already standing before she walked in then it was fine an you couldn't see I'd changed it in photos either as I wouldn't have been standing with my leg out regardless if I'd changed it or not, so do what makes you comfortable, a few months down the line she won't even be talking about it, my brother's photos is put away somewhere an never looked at an no one even talks about it at all, it's all quickly forgotten about after a few months

 

[Megansnarkle]

Give way on the things I am having to pay for? When it’s not my choices? All 7 bridesmaids have had half paid towards their dresses but I’ve paid for mine in full? To now top it off, I’m also having to buy my own shoes and everything else although it’s what she chooses?

Yes. Unfortunately, some of being part of the bridal party is about falling in line. At the end of the day, it's not a day about you. You already have got your way on the dress and aren't wearing the one the bride chose. She compromised on that so maybe for the rest you need to compromise and go with what she wants. As I say, you can mitigate the cost by selling on after.

None of this sounds super bridezilla to be honest. It's not unusual for a bride to want their bridal party to look a certain way and so I'd expect when saying yes to being part of a bridal party that that was part of the deal. If you get choice then that's a bonus.

Ultimately if you don't like it, don't be part of the bridal party.

 

[Becca0888]

Yes. Unfortunately, some of being part of the bridal party is about falling in line. At the end of the day, it's not a day about you. You already have got your way on the dress and aren't wearing the one the bride chose. She compromised on that so maybe for the rest you need to compromise and go with what she wants. As I say, you can mitigate the cost by selling on after.

None of this sounds super bridezilla to be honest. It's not unusual for a bride to want their bridal party to look a certain way and so I'd expect when saying yes to being part of a bridal party that that was part of the deal. If you get choice then that's a bonus.

Ultimately if you don't like it, don't be part of the bridal party.

Seems easier said then done

Yes. Unfortunately, some of being part of the bridal party is about falling in line. At the end of the day, it's not a day about you. You already have got your way on the dress and aren't wearing the one the bride chose. She compromised on that so maybe for the rest you need to compromise and go with what she wants. As I say, you can mitigate the cost by selling on after.

None of this sounds super bridezilla to be honest. It's not unusual for a bride to want their bridal party to look a certain way and so I'd expect when saying yes to being part of a bridal party that that was part of the deal. If you get choice then that's a bonus.

Ultimately if you don't like it, don't be part of the bridal party.

No you are absolutely right, it’s not my day BUT if I am having to pay for everything myself, surly I have the right to switch things up a little, maybe not massively different, I can do my own make-up which would save me money? I also have to buy my sons 5 piece suit myself and he’s a pageboy!? But PLEASE do not forget, SHE is the one choosing exactly which ones she wants, but it’s ME having to pay for it?

I also didn’t “Get my own way” with the dress, technically she added on another bridesmaid and the dresses she had, were no longer being stocked on the website, plus with me being the maid of honour, she decided that I should have a slightly different dress to the others.

I completely understand that brides usually want the bridal party to look a certain way, but it’s about showing inspirational pictures and then allowing us to go from that and pick something that is similar, not show us a hairstyle and say here you go, get that and pay for that too. That’s just not how it goes.

You sound like my sister, “it’s ME and MY wedding”
May I also add, she as stated that her soon to be husband doesn’t need a flashy suit as it’s all about how she looks, it’s all eyes on the bride, yet we can’t look how we want to? I rest my case, peace
Thanks everyone.

 

[JulieScoobyDoo]

So a close relative is getting married next year. I’m part of the wedding and planning the hen do etc. Problem is the bride, she’s being VERY demanding.

She WANTS (it’s all I want this, I want that) two hen dos. One is a smaller group of us going to a spa for the day then dinner and staying in the hotel. Then a few weeks later would be the second one, which is a bigger group all going out for the day (she WANTS an activity planned too, oh and a stripper) with a night out and us all staying in a hotel or apartments.

She also wants me to stay at the hotel for 3 nights, the night before the wedding, the day of the wedding, then wants a big bbq style party at the hotel the next day too so that‘s likely a third night.

not to mention all the additional costs of petrol, drinks, outfits, dog boarding while we’re all away for the wedding etc. That bit probably sounds petty but when you start to count up everything else all costs need to be considered.

I feel this is all a bit much. I had one hen night and one wedding day. That’s it. I don’t have the money for any of this so will have to save anyway but I feel like this is going to cost a fortune that we just don’t have.

am I being a total witch here or what do you all think?

You are not being a total witch. She can want all she wants but she’s an adult and can’t stamp her feet and demand something. A wedding is about two people exchanging vows to each other and costs £500 for a registrar. Whoever decided we needed owls bringing rings down the aisle, cakes taller than us cut with sabers and doves released at the end needs to be dipped in jam and rolled in an anthill.

Same with bridezillas and hen dos. Who has two? When did have to be a week in Ibiza or a whole day of activities and dinners? I look at groups of girls wearing sashes out for the night and I cringe, it’s horrendous.

Tell her if she wants all that she can pay for it. If she’s a good friend she’ll listen and take it on board. If she doesn’t, you’re better off without her

 

[Mojojojo67]

Would it perhaps work that you have your hair and make up how she wants for the photos and then you redo how you want for the rest of the day when she'll just be mingling etc? That way you'll only feel uncomfortable for a couple of hours but she'll be happy?

 

[_Laura]

In my opinion, it's either the bride gives everyone like a colour scheme and a general idea of what she envisions and bridesmaids pick their own dress and pay for it... OR the bride pays for everything (dress, shoes, hair, accessories, etc) and everyone kinds of agree that they won't have a say in the matter... I wouldn't be happy having to spend all that cash on a suit for my son and an outfit I'm never going to wear again.

I would recommend giving her a disguised ultimatum for the suit. Say something like "I had a look at suits while keeping your criteria in mind, I found this one which I thought was similar to what you had envisioned and it's at a price that I'm comfortable spending. Is this okay with you or do you want to stick to your original choice and pay for it/rent it yourself?" Make her see that these are the only options... And she can't accuse you of not respecting her vision or anything if you try to find something that matches the colour or the style she wants.

For the hair and makeup, to be honest, I think it's pretty standard for bridesmaids to have the same hair and make up, so that's the one thing that doesn't shock me... Even if I would have expected the couple to be paying for it, I'll give you that. Realistically, the makeup isn't going to be outrageous, probably just going to be a soft glam look that suits everyone so that should be fine. For the hair, I would do what @Mojojojo67 suggested and keep it down for the ceremony and pictures so shes' happy, then put it up for the rest of the day so you're happy too.

 

[Becca0888]

In my opinion, it's either the bride gives everyone like a colour scheme and a general idea of what she envisions and bridesmaids pick their own dress and pay for it... OR the bride pays for everything (dress, shoes, hair, accessories, etc) and everyone kinds of agree that they won't have a say in the matter... I wouldn't be happy having to spend all that cash on a suit for my son and an outfit I'm never going to wear again.

I would recommend giving her a disguised ultimatum for the suit. Say something like "I had a look at suits while keeping your criteria in mind, I found this one which I thought was similar to what you had envisioned and it's at a price that I'm comfortable spending. Is this okay with you or do you want to stick to your original choice and pay for it/rent it yourself?" Make her see that these are the only options... And she can't accuse you of not respecting her vision or anything if you try to find something that matches the colour or the style she wants.

For the hair and makeup, to be honest, I think it's pretty standard for bridesmaids to have the same hair and make up, so that's the one thing that doesn't shock me... Even if I would have expected the couple to be paying for it, I'll give you that. Realistically, the makeup isn't going to be outrageous, probably just going to be a soft glam look that suits everyone so that should be fine. For the hair, I would do what @Mojojojo67 suggested and keep it down for the ceremony and pictures so shes' happy, then put it up for the rest of the day so you're happy too.

I am fine with the makeup she has chose as like you said, it’s soft glam, just I’m peeved off at the fact I have to pay for it along with everything else. I have explained to her that I could do my own makeup, I have heels from previous weddings but it’s not what she wants. She wants us to have our hair down with pearls scattered on one side, I suffer with alopecia really bad on the top of my head, which would be very visible if I went with the hairstyle she’s chosen, I have tried asking/showing her pictures of hairstyles that are not only similar to her chosen one but also beneficial for my alopecia but she’s having none of it and told me that I should buy those hair root touch up sprays, which yet again I can not use as my alopecia is bad and my doctor as not recommend it due to the severity.

I am also a recently widowed single mother, juggling 2 jobs and 2 children, so as you could imagine it’s really not easy affording everything when I do not have a say or can’t switch things up for a cheaper alternative.
when my sister asked me to be her Maid of honour, she made it very clear that she would be paying for everything bar the shoes as it’s her wedding and if she wants us to look a certain way then she would be happy to fit the bill! This was up until she realised everything she wants for her dream wedding isn’t cheap, the wedding is now on a tight budget so now she’s wanting us to pay, although it’s still the same items she was willing to pay for.