How to be happy single?

[LucilleBluth]

Isn’t it a case of you have to delete all the apps as you cannot physically date anyone in a pandemic?

You’re being forced to do this rather than it being a decision to better yourself?

You date to validate yourself & give yourself a boost. You sound like a serial dater.

Bit harsh! It’s not really about bettering yourself. We can all aspire to whatever relationship status we want. It’s good to be able to be alone but I think that’s what OP is saying - she wants to work on that for herself.

And people are absolutely dating, FYI. You can do video dates and if you’re both comfortable, meet for a walk and keep your distance.

 

[Monkeybum]

I've been single 5 years after just being done with men and dating.

On nights where I'm feeling a bit meh I find my favourite things that a man wouldn't particularly enjoy, a bit of a pamper, my favourite film, that kind of thing.

And always bear in mind people only put out there what they want you to see. I talk to my married friends regularly and so when they post happy family pics remember that behind that there's the whinges and arguments I've just been told about

I just keep myself so busy with different friends that actually I don't really have time for a man now and he would have to bend over backwards to persuade me, not the other way round

 

[Sunflower91]

A few years ago I could have written this myself.
Ive been single for 6 years now after being in relationships constantly. It took a while but I actually really enjoy being single and I think being with yourself is such a healthy step in moving on to the right person.
For me it’s been recognising small things like:
-not having to tell someone where I’m going or being checked up on
-freedom to choose everything for myself
-not having to visit in-laws
-being able to go on nights out when I like (pre covid) or to just randomly decide to go somewhere
And then around Christmas I always treat myself to something because I don’t have a boyfriend to spend money on so might as well buy myself a treat.
In the beginning I made myself a list of all the things I wanted to do, with no pressure to do it. And just slowly ticked them off. I remember one was dying my hair and another was to go on a girls holiday.

At times it’s bloody hard, especially since all my friends are getting married now. But I try and put the blinkers on. Everyone finds happiness in different things and nobody has it perfect

 

[Glamourelle]

Hey everyone!
So for as long as I can remember, I have never been “truly single”. Even between serious relationships, I would spend a lot of my time swiping on dating apps and seeing men on a more casual basis (even though, on reflection, I would still put my all into it and bend over backwards for them- possibly for validation or just because I desperately seek approval and love, either way is pathetic of me I know).
I have finally come to a point now where I have just had enough. I’m starting to realise I need to have a break from dating and men in general and need to look out and care for myself a bit more. I’ve deleted all of the apps and just want to use this time, however long it will be, to just “date myself”.
I just wondered, having never done this before, who else is in the same boat, and if anyone is, how did you find getting used to being single? Does it get easier as time goes on? Are there ways in which I can learn to be happy...or even content, by myself, especially after finding it so easy to be so self loathing!
I understand this is a weird question but I would love to hear from anyone who can give me their insight .
Thanks all so much x

 

[CherryAcid]

I've been single for almost 8 years which sometimes embarrasses me but I have been treated very badly by men so after that relationship I told myself that I would just focus on bettering myself and doing things I want to do.. I dont NEED a man but it would be a bonus if i met someone. They have to compliment my life not complete it.
Since I have been single I have solo travelled several times and just gotten the travl bug big time really. They are like my little adventures. I have met some great people, one of my closest friends is male(purely platonic) so we often meet up in london or have holidays.
Dont get me wrong, I would love to find someone special but I just dont see why I should settle for just anyone just so I'm not single. I have seen so mnay ppl settle and their relationships have been so unhealthy that I know I would rather be on my own that have to deal with that rubbish.

 

[luna012432]

Don’t feel embarrassed about dating between ex long term relationships, this is something I have also done, I think it’s great you have realised that you may have been dating at some points for validation or because you wanted to be loved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this x

The fact you have realised this now will be a game changer and will give you time to focus on yourself.

Over time you will find things you like to do that make you happy without having a man and this time will give you the opportunity to learn more about yourself and love yourself.

A couple of my tips are -

Have set times to be on social media, if you struggle a bit at first the last thing you need is to be seeing other loved up couples.

If you ever have nights you feel a little meh about things, just remember it’s better to be single and put yourself first. Instead of trying with men who treat you like crap or always leave you wondering, or mess you around.

This may be the last bit of time you get to yourself/ to only have to think about you. before you meet the one, so make this time all about and give yourself the right to be selfish and put you first xx

 

[under the ivy]

My ex was emotionally unavailable for sure - he applied for a job in another country, without telling me, and I had the shock of my life when I borrowed his laptop and I saw his CV/Job application had been left open. Also other instances including not wanting to talk about the future, reluctant to say the L word and wanting to spend weekends alone with ‘the lads’. I spent 4 years with him and silly me was planning our future together - he even said he wanted to move to another city with me (we both worked there & commuted) and we went on house viewings!

Fast forward 9 months and I’m saving for my own house deposit, getting on with my career and really enjoying my independence. I can now see I spent the most part of my 20s (28 tomorrow!) seeking a relationship in order to feel fulfilled. Not anymore.

 

[birdiefly246]

24 never been in a relationship. I've "talked" if that makes sense but never been in an official relationship. I don't really use dating apps, I have done but don't now

Brutal honesty, I have really high standards. I know what I want in relationship and what I will not put up with. My opinion has always been I've got my own stuff going on (I work and am in the middle of a degree, I have a lot of hobbies that I love, have really brilliant friends) so I don't have time to be messed around or to be with someone who's half arsed. I'm also really independent and confident so I don't really need the validation if that makes sense. Sometimes I do get insecure about it but then I think it'll happen when it happens and it'll be right when it does.

I would say,
-fill your time with things you want to do and focus on that. Pick up a hobby that you've always wanted to do. The idea for me is to have such a full life with my own content-ness (don't think that's a word but we're going with it) that anyone who comes in and out of your life is a bonus (friends, family and relationships!)

-use the time to figure out what you want and like out of life. What do you want, where do you want to go with life etc, so that when someone comes along you're not swayed by whatever they want cause you know yourself. (I have so many friends who just want things cause it's what their boyfriend wants.)

-Learn to be happy alone. There's something really comforting about liking your own company. I do pretty much everything alone, cinema, holiday, site seeing, restaurants (that one took me awhile but I hate restaurants with people as well ), literally moved to a whole other country alone, and yeah sometimes I think I'd be nice to have someone to do those things with but then I think I'd have to focus on what they want. I don't mind compromise but sometimes it's nice to just go and leave when you want, eat what you want, make your own decisions...

- Single doesn't mean undesired. The stigma surrounding being a single woman is just so sad. I think society deems single woman as unwanted and that's why so many women jump from relationship to relationship and need a 'back up' before they leave one (I know so many women like this). They need the validation that comes with being in a relationship even if that relationship isn't a good one.

I also think a lot of society focusses so much on relationships, think about it, if you're single you're asked if you've found someone, if you're with someone you're asked about them constantly, if you're engaged you're asked when are you getting married and so on and on.
Engagement, pregnancy and marriage the things women seem to get praised for the most. It's never degrees, marathons. (side note: this is why I get irrationally angry when men propose to women when they've just run marathons or had promotions etc. pisses me right off!)

I will leave you with something my 87 year old Nanna always tells me "you focus on what YOU want to do and what YOU want to be and anyone who is meant to be in your life will be and they'll be damn lucky to have you. If you spend your time focussing on being what other people want you're robbing the world of the opportunity of having you as you in it."

 

[Glamourelle]

Isn’t it a case of you have to delete all the apps as you cannot physically date anyone in a pandemic?

You’re being forced to do this rather than it being a decision to better yourself?

You date to validate yourself & give yourself a boost. You sound like a serial dater.

Not necessarily! I’ve heard of quite a few people who have continued to message or virtual date through lockdown.
And yep...I’ve literally just said that myself. I recognised that I was a serial dater hence why I’m taking a break and decided to write this post asking for a bit of an insight from others?!

Don’t feel embarrassed about dating between ex long term relationships, this is something I have also done, I think it’s great you have realised that you may have been dating at some points for validation or because you wanted to be loved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this x

The fact you have realised this now will be a game changer and will give you time to focus on yourself.

Over time you will find things you like to do that make you happy without having a man and this time will give you the opportunity to learn more about yourself and love yourself.

A couple of my tips are -

Have set times to be on social media, if you struggle a bit at first the last thing you need is to be seeing other loved up couples.

If you ever have nights you feel a little meh about things, just remember it’s better to be single and put yourself first. Instead of trying with men who treat you like crap or always leave you wondering, or mess you around.

This may be the last bit of time you get to yourself/ to only have to think about you. before you meet the one, so make this time all about and give yourself the right to be selfish and put you first xx

This is great advice, thank you so much! Especially the social media part. I think we all underestimate how mindlessly scrolling on there can put a dampener on my mood as it’s so easy to compare.
I think it’s definitely the nights you mentioned where I can be prone to feeling a bit meh. I’ve spent a lot of time putting the needs of men before mine that it’ll take a bit of getting used to doing it for me, but I’m here to try!
Thank you so much again x

 

[Clementine]

I’m happy being single because men are TRASH. Every time I dip my toes back into apps etc, I’m just reminded of this.

I’m happy just fantasising over Jamie Dornan being my husband right now

 

[Renata]

I've been single for almost 8 years which sometimes embarrasses me but I have been treated very badly by men so after that relationship I told myself that I would just focus on bettering myself and doing things I want to do.. I dont NEED a man but it would be a bonus if i met someone. They have to compliment my life not complete it.

Why are you embarrassed ?

Since I started to accept my single ness and became super confident, the quality of men I have met has increased tenfold.

They are better quality - but still not right.

I refuse to compromise and that’s why they are more interested in me. They aren’t used to indifference.

It’s empowering

 

[justapossum]

I agree with some of the people on here - I have also been in bad relationships, that weren't exactly what I wanted, and it was only after they ended that I realised that the bad outweighed the good. I put up with a lot of things because I wanted the connection, the benefits of a relationship, and I didn't want to be alone.
I've been single since May now (lockdown break up - blessing in disguise!), I have gone on a few dates here and there, but never really got past a first date. It isn't that my standards are high, I've just promised myself I would stop settling for less than I deserve/want (sounds a bit big headed, but I promise I am not). I have learnt that relationships are about compromise, but I have always been the one compromising.
I think especially now because of the pandemic and living alone I miss having someone around, someone to talk to (that's more than a friend!). I find myself swiping on dating apps.
However, I am also trying to focus on myself. I have always needed validation from men, and I am trying to realise that I don't need a man to love me, to love myself. I am more than enough!
I have started focusing on bettering myself as a person, I go on walks alone, started focusing on fitness and a healthier lifestyle, improving my cooking skills and just learning to feel content in the life that I have. I don't want to only feel content when I am in a relationship!

 

[Renata]

I feel like men have lost their manners towards women.

They don’t seem to want a relationship (despite pretending they do). They want to date multiple women on a budget and keep you on the sidelines for when their faults are pointed out.

Also, they often treat the woman like a man (no romance). It was when I realised all this and saw the signs I improved my dating situation.

I’m wondering if all the women who are in relationships/married accepted these men to avoid being single?

 

[CherryAcid]

Why are you embarrassed ?

Since I started to accept my single ness and became super confident, the quality of men I have met has increased tenfold.

They are better quality - but still not right.

I refuse to compromise and that’s why they are more interested in me. They aren’t used to indifference.

It’s empowering

The embarassment more comes from my low self esteem, the mjaority of the time I'm very,very happy being single but every now and then I feel like i SHOULD have met someone and the problem is me. Its more people's perceptions of me that embarasses me as usually they are shocked im single which makes me wonder.

 

[LucilleBluth]

I love this too @Lalisa_mb!

I really need to take my own advice from upthread. I just had a bit of an aimless browse on Instagram - mistake - and realised how many (read: 90%) of my uni and work and school contemporaries (all mid 30s or younger) are married. I now feel like a total freak of nature.

And that’s the thing I struggle with a lot actually, just the feeling that my life and situation is somehow “wrong” or almost going against nature when almost everyone I know is in a relationship. Does that make any sense? It makes me feel like such an anomaly. People seem to find it so natural and easy but it just hasn’t been that way for me.

 

[under the ivy]

I’ve been single since April (dumped during lockdown by partner of 4 years). Won’t go into detail here but it was a terrible shock causing me a lot of hurt. It still does but not as much. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my ex.

However, in a weird way, the lockdowns have helped me realise how important is it to look after myself. I was scared of being single - I had spent most of my 20s in a relationship. I’m 28 in 3 weeks and the thought of being alone as I’m getting to my 30s is intimidating but I’m just going with the flow. I really want to focus on my PhD, saving for a house/flat (moved back home after the break-up) and just generally focusing on myself!

Some things what help me be happy as a singleton are;
- Realising my freedom and not having to think about someone else e.g I can’t watch that on TV tonight as my Bf/GF doesn’t like it... oh wait yes I can!
- Loads of time to myself to do what I want (albeit not in lockdown/tiers)
- Spend more time with family / friends
- Take regular breaks from my phone/social media - this time of year is a massive trigger for my mental health and being away from social media helps me a lot
- Don’t stalk your ex(s)

Sorry for the waffle but being single is something I’ve really had to adjust to this year. I’m looking forward to the future however, away from men/dating, for the foreseeable. I just can’t be bothered!

Happy Christmas

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I found myself single after a long term relationship ended badly and I was single for over 4 years. 2 years of dating in and off but never really clicked with anyone. Then I thought sod it, I’m going to enjoy my single time as it’s won’t be forever. I took myself on holiday to far flung places, volunteered whilst out there, met loads of new people, and did whatever pleased me and just enjoyed it. I worked on all the things I wanted to do. Sometimes it got a little boring, but rarely. It was nice not having anyone else to please. Then went on a dating app, went on one date and Yeats later we’re still together. But the time I had to be single gave me confidence in myself, and cheesy as it sounds I started to live myself. I had that time to work out exactly what I wanted and make myself happy. I was happy as I was and then someone came along and added to it. I hope that makes sense. But just enjoy it and concentrate on you x

 

[LucilleBluth]

I feel exactly the same. I’m nearly 38 and the whole relationships and family bit has totally passed me by. Not because I haven’t wanted it or chosen my career over it but because I’ve never had the opportunity. I really have to like a man before I get involved in anything and the relationships I’ve been in just haven’t worked out. Then I see everyone I know settle down, buy the big houses and have babies whenever they want (1 friend is on her 4th and another is having her 2nd in 18 months and I just feel like a massive failure). I know for a fact my friends don’t see me like that and they include me in everything. They just tell me it’s just chance that they met the person at the right time. And I can’t even say oh they’ve settled as they all have brilliant partners.

The thing that gets to me is that there’s always talk about the choice of wanting children or not wanting children, and then those who are struggling to conceive and how hard it is for them but there’s less talk about those single people who know they want a family but aren’t even in the position to start trying and that’s what I struggle with most. And lockdown certainly makes me feel my chances of getting what I want are slipping away.

Sorry to bring the thread down because the majority of the time I am really happy with my life and am content with my own company but I know exactly what you mean. I am positive that it will happen someday, whatever form that may take, and I’m not prepared to settle for just anyone after I’ve spent most of my life waiting for the right person, but I do wonder why do they get that and I don’t

Then I read the Dating in Lockdown thread and realise why I’m happy to stay single for the time being

I could have written this myself, word for word!

That’s why it’s hard - my friends generally have great partners, many of whom have become my friends too. I wouldn’t want to marry them but they're good, kind and successful men and not cheaters. My friends don’t exclude me but I do feel excluded from such a huge part of life and society.

Also, since writing my post, one of my best friends has announced her second pregnancy, and she’s three years younger than me I don’t begrudge her a second of it but it’s just constant reinforcement of what I don’t have and can’t have at the moment.

Like you, I’m generally very happy with myself, my own company, and my own life - and I too feel like it will happen one day - but there are days when it all feels a bit too much!

 

[Glamourelle]

I've been single 5 years after just being done with men and dating.

On nights where I'm feeling a bit meh I find my favourite things that a man wouldn't particularly enjoy, a bit of a pamper, my favourite film, that kind of thing.

And always bear in mind people only put out there what they want you to see. I talk to my married friends regularly and so when they post happy family pics remember that behind that there's the whinges and arguments I've just been told about

I just keep myself so busy with different friends that actually I don't really have time for a man now and he would have to bend over backwards to persuade me, not the other way round

I actually love this, especially the last part! I think I spend so much time trying to prove my worth to men that I don’t stop to think whether they’re good enough for me, if that makes sense? Thanks so much for your input

 

[Booington]

I’ve done it the other way around really in that I was single (but dating) for a long time before I met my now husband but the things I miss are;

only clearing up my own mess
waking up when I want to and being able to read in bed when I want
putting things where I want them to be-nail polishes in the fridge for example
having feminine decor-scarves and stuff like that draped about
eating healthy by not buying in the stuff my husband wants, so no temptation.
eating just toast instead of a proper meal if I want.
watching chick flicks without the commentary
flirting with men
no snoring


i know these are minor things that I can still do but you get my drift? I think the key is to make your life the exact way you want it.

The embarassment more comes from my low self esteem, the mjaority of the time I'm very,very happy being single but every now and then I feel like i SHOULD have met someone and the problem is me. Its more people's perceptions of me that embarasses me as usually they are shocked im single which makes me wonder.

I get that, I used to feel like that too, as though you have to explain it like it’s a defect somehow!