How to be happy single?

[Glamourelle]

I have no advice, but just want to tell you you’re not alone.

I haven’t been single since I was 15 (I’m now 23). I sound so pathetic, but I need to be in a relationship. I don’t feel myself if I don’t have anyone. This is so dangerous and has made me stay in relationships way way longer than I should have, if I’m being treated like shit.. I’ve been with my current bf for nearly 4 years, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far. But I can’t even remember what it’s like to be single. I wouldn’t know how to act. I’m aware of how sad I sound right now!

I could never leave a relationship, without jumping straight back into the dating pool, because the truth is, I find it impossible to be alone. I love doing things by myself, I’m a total introvert. I love watching movies and being alone. But emotionally alone? With no one to talk to? It’s impossible for me... even though I have so many close friends. I need a romantic partner

when I was younger, I wouldn’t leave a relationship unless I had a “backup” secured. I know that sounds awful, but I’m fundamentally terrified of being alone. I’m sure I have some sort of psychological issues and need to see a therapist about this

sorry I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear I have no advice I just needed to get this off my chest. I know how you feel and I’m trying to work on it

You might think you aren’t giving advice but reading your post was honestly so refreshing I think it takes a lot to admit that you aren’t afraid of being alone- and like you I’ve stayed in relationships longer than I should have because the thought of being by myself, and perhaps the change from what I was used to, was too scary!
I’m so happy you’re in a loving relationship now and trying to work on what’s in your head. Our brains are fickle things! X

 

[Glamourelle]

It was a bit harsh. I thought I was speaking to a man - similar to the men I have been meeting.

I promise you the last time I checked I am definitely 100% woman . No worries- have a lovely Christmas x

A few years ago I could have written this myself.
Ive been single for 6 years now after being in relationships constantly. It took a while but I actually really enjoy being single and I think being with yourself is such a healthy step in moving on to the right person.
For me it’s been recognising small things like:
-not having to tell someone where I’m going or being checked up on
-freedom to choose everything for myself
-not having to visit in-laws
-being able to go on nights out when I like (pre covid) or to just randomly decide to go somewhere
And then around Christmas I always treat myself to something because I don’t have a boyfriend to spend money on so might as well buy myself a treat.
In the beginning I made myself a list of all the things I wanted to do, with no pressure to do it. And just slowly ticked them off. I remember one was dying my hair and another was to go on a girls holiday.

At times it’s bloody hard, especially since all my friends are getting married now. But I try and put the blinkers on. Everyone finds happiness in different things and nobody has it perfect

Wow- six years! That’s amazing. And you are so right- it’s all steps in the right direction and allowing that time for yourself to do the things YOU want to do. I love the idea of a list- I’ve just started journaling so will definitely work on a list too. Thanks so much!

Completely makes sense, that's exactly how I was, now they need to prove they're worthy of me. And if noone comes along then I'm happy on my own.

A single friend recommended the book 'The unexpected joy of being single' by Catherine Gray. I haven't read it but she said it really changed her mindset so might be worth looking up x

Adding it to my Amazon list now! Thanks so much and have a lovely Christmas x

 

[drewydrop]

I love this too @Lalisa_mb!

I really need to take my own advice from upthread. I just had a bit of an aimless browse on Instagram - mistake - and realised how many (read: 90%) of my uni and work and school contemporaries (all mid 30s or younger) are married. I now feel like a total freak of nature.

And that’s the thing I struggle with a lot actually, just the feeling that my life and situation is somehow “wrong” or almost going against nature when almost everyone I know is in a relationship. Does that make any sense? It makes me feel like such an anomaly. People seem to find it so natural and easy but it just hasn’t been that way for me.

I feel exactly the same. I’m nearly 38 and the whole relationships and family bit has totally passed me by. Not because I haven’t wanted it or chosen my career over it but because I’ve never had the opportunity. I really have to like a man before I get involved in anything and the relationships I’ve been in just haven’t worked out. Then I see everyone I know settle down, buy the big houses and have babies whenever they want (1 friend is on her 4th and another is having her 2nd in 18 months and I just feel like a massive failure). I know for a fact my friends don’t see me like that and they include me in everything. They just tell me it’s just chance that they met the person at the right time. And I can’t even say oh they’ve settled as they all have brilliant partners.

The thing that gets to me is that there’s always talk about the choice of wanting children or not wanting children, and then those who are struggling to conceive and how hard it is for them but there’s less talk about those single people who know they want a family but aren’t even in the position to start trying and that’s what I struggle with most. And lockdown certainly makes me feel my chances of getting what I want are slipping away.

Sorry to bring the thread down because the majority of the time I am really happy with my life and am content with my own company but I know exactly what you mean. I am positive that it will happen someday, whatever form that may take, and I’m not prepared to settle for just anyone after I’ve spent most of my life waiting for the right person, but I do wonder why do they get that and I don’t

Then I read the Dating in Lockdown thread and realise why I’m happy to stay single for the time being

 

[Renata]

Hey everyone!
So for as long as I can remember, I have never been “truly single”. Even between serious relationships, I would spend a lot of my time swiping on dating apps and seeing men on a more casual basis (even though, on reflection, I would still put my all into it and bend over backwards for them- possibly for validation or just because I desperately seek approval and love, either way is pathetic of me I know).
I have finally come to a point now where I have just had enough. I’m starting to realise I need to have a break from dating and men in general and need to look out and care for myself a bit more. I’ve deleted all of the apps and just want to use this time, however long it will be, to just “date myself”.
I just wondered, having never done this before, who else is in the same boat, and if anyone is, how did you find getting used to being single? Does it get easier as time goes on? Are there ways in which I can learn to be happy...or even content, by myself, especially after finding it so easy to be so self loathing!
I understand this is a weird question but I would love to hear from anyone who can give me their insight .
Thanks all so much x

Isn’t it a case of you have to delete all the apps as you cannot physically date anyone in a pandemic?

You’re being forced to do this rather than it being a decision to better yourself?

You date to validate yourself & give yourself a boost. You sound like a serial dater.

 

[justapossum]

I'm glad you're focussing on bettering yourself cause that is amazing and I find it really admirable that you are willing to admit that you needed validation as that can be really vulnerable. Keep your standards high cause you ARE most certainly more than enough and you absolutely shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve!

Thank you

I hope you don't mind me asking but a lot of your story resonated with me! Not to sound like a consellor but have you ever thought about why you're always the one compromising?
sounds wacko but let me explain.
In all of the men I've been on dates with or were talking to the ONE thing they all always had in common was that they were all emotionally unavailable. It was always when it was convenient for them to talk to me or see me, even with just a simple text back. Always made me feel confused about whether they liked me or not.

I'm aware that the issues I have are pretty much with myself - I am quite an anxious and insecure person, due to the fact that the 3 relationships that I had were pretty bad, it almost acted as a way of confirming for me that I am not good enough and I have to "work harder". It took some time for me to realise that I am not the problem, the problem was with the men that I dated because similarly to you - I went for men that were emotionally unavailable! So I was stuck in a horrible cycle of dating men that were bad for me, and confirming that I don't deserve better. Until I finally broke the cycle. It basically took "sitting myself down" and having an honest conversation with myself, and facing all of my worries and insecurities, rather than denying it. I am not perfect, and I have to work on myself.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and just know that you deserve much better from him, and from the men that you date! I'm glad you had that moment of reflection though, and realised the type of men that you were drawn to and for what reasons. I think that wake up call can be a horrible experience, but also necessary to be able to move and find happiness!

With the last guy I dated when I ended it I was angry about it cause 1. cause I felt like I'd ignored my gut instinct that it wasn't what I wanted and 2. because I felt like I'd invested so much, texting him back, hinting that I liked him for him to shut me downed give me nothing in return. Now I do think that he wasn't really doing anything wrong I suppose, he just couldn't give me what I wanted/needed. He did reply properly but only when it was convenient and he wouldn't compromise to see me. I remember once messaging him saying I was going out for a drive at 9pm after dropping my friend off somewhere and asked if he wanted to come out for a bit and he said no cause he goes to bed at 10pm cause he's tired*. There realistically isn't anything wrong with that but it really used to stress me out cause I felt like if you wanted to see someone you would stay up later and that's what I want. I want someone who would jump at the opportunity to come out with me even if it was inconvenient. He's still bitter about me ending it (mutual friend told me) and I always said "well he never gave me any indication that he liked me" which I partly do believe it as there were a bunch of red flags other than the ones mentioned but I also think that maybe he did in his own way but it wasn't what I personally needed so I didn't see it.

*(that said he was happy to go on the piss with his mates all weekend but that's a story for another day as well)

I've been in that situation so many times!
I think the problem that I had was that I expected to receive the same love that I gave - every time. And I couldn't accept the fact that everyone is different and has their own "way" of giving love, and it might not be the "love" that I personally needed or expected.
For example, I've always been the type of a person to pick up a little gift for the person I care about (lets say they mentioned there was a book they really wanted to read), or buy them their favourite food or snacks - like, they were always in the back of my mind and I wanted to do things to make them happy. And it was a slap in the face, when the person did not return the same. I am not saying I wanted gifts, but it's nice when that person thinks of you, and makes effort to put a smile on your face!

 

[birdiefly246]

The emotionally unavailable bit resonated a lot with me.

I chose these guys previously.

most of them saw me on their terms & one used to give me one word replies.

now I backaway fast from any one liner replies. It seems they date you properly (dinners etc) & then the romance runs out. I don’t think it’s income related (all doing very well in life). I think they cannot continue the act.

as soon as I backed off they start chasing & feeling insecure.

one pursued me for feedback & I had to meet him for a coffee to explain why one liners are disrespectful, why lack of contact is notright etc etc

he knew all this yet could notbear being dumped (ghosted by me).

for every 9 women that accept the one liners there is one (me)that won’t.

it’s when you reach this stage that the tables turn.

this guy is pursuing me (on his best behaviour now).

With the last guy I dated when I ended it I was angry about it cause 1. cause I felt like I'd ignored my gut instinct that it wasn't what I wanted and 2. because I felt like I'd invested so much, texting him back, hinting that I liked him for him to shut me downed give me nothing in return. Now I do think that he wasn't really doing anything wrong I suppose, he just couldn't give me what I wanted/needed. He did reply properly but only when it was convenient and he wouldn't compromise to see me. I remember once messaging him saying I was going out for a drive at 9pm after dropping my friend off somewhere and asked if he wanted to come out for a bit and he said no cause he goes to bed at 10pm cause he's tired*. There realistically isn't anything wrong with that but it really used to stress me out cause I felt like if you wanted to see someone you would stay up later and that's what I want. I want someone who would jump at the opportunity to come out with me even if it was inconvenient. He's still bitter about me ending it (mutual friend told me) and I always said "well he never gave me any indication that he liked me" which I partly do believe it as there were a bunch of red flags other than the ones mentioned but I also think that maybe he did in his own way but it wasn't what I personally needed so I didn't see it.

*(that said he was happy to go on the piss with his mates all weekend but that's a story for another day as well)

 

[Lalisa_mb]

I agree with some of the people on here - I have also been in bad relationships, that weren't exactly what I wanted, and it was only after they ended that I realised that the bad outweighed the good. I put up with a lot of things because I wanted the connection, the benefits of a relationship, and I didn't want to be alone.
I've been single since May now (lockdown break up - blessing in disguise!), I have gone on a few dates here and there, but never really got past a first date. It isn't that my standards are high, I've just promised myself I would stop settling for less than I deserve/want (sounds a bit big headed, but I promise I am not). I have learnt that relationships are about compromise, but I have always been the one compromising.
I think especially now because of the pandemic and living alone I miss having someone around, someone to talk to (that's more than a friend!). I find myself swiping on dating apps.
However, I am also trying to focus on myself. I have always needed validation from men, and I am trying to realise that I don't need a man to love me, to love myself. I am more than enough!
I have started focusing on bettering myself as a person, I go on walks alone, started focusing on fitness and a healthier lifestyle, improving my cooking skills and just learning to feel content in the life that I have. I don't want to only feel content when I am in a relationship!

I’m so happy for you, this is a healthy outlook
I feel the same way

 

[Lalisa_mb]

I’m really happy that I single because the majority of men that I have met to date are horribly unsuitable.

i don’t see myself settling with any of them, they have little to offer me for this reason I’m happy - I simply don’t want them.

I know that a lot of my friends have settled to fit in and I find that sad. I surround myself with single people because they are easier to tolerate and we have more in common.

until I meet someone that is good enough I won’t be settling and it feels really good.

Yesss I agree, I’m so happy you have this view too

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I have often wondered about leading the single life - such an uncomplicated way of doing things, without being distracted by the needs/demands of others.

But then when I have my girlfriend with me, either sharing the sofa, or in my bed asleep, or just walking in the park (pre covid), I am immersed with love and devotion of having someone with me, talking to me, holding me, reassuring me, making love to me, making me smile and be genuinely happy with my life.

It's a hard call sometimes

 

[LaurieLaurie]

You just adjust and get used to it then you realise you are happy if your own company imo

 

[birdiefly246]

@birdiefly246

yes you want them to want you.

i think we know when their actions disappoint us. I truly believe that when someone is into you they will do things out of the ordinary to see you (send you a an, Keep
In contact, explain things etc).

it’s no different to when you want to see your friends, you might have to text a few hundred times but you do because you want to. The effort needs to be there.

the difference is - now I will walk. Previously I want exhaust myself & chase.

Yes yes and yes. I would stay in the cycle hoping they'd eventually give me what I needed and then usually question myself, go over what I'm doing, am I being too clingy etc. Now at the first sign of not bothering (without valid reason obviously. I am fair.) I'm like no thanks. If they want you, you will know about it.

 

[Glamourelle]

Poor @Glamourelle being mistaken for a man with the Come Dine With Me photo (at least I think that’s who it is?)

PS @Renata not having a go at you btw!

Trust me I am all woman I just love

Poor @Glamourelle being mistaken for a man with the Come Dine With Me photo (at least I think that’s who it is?)

PS @Renata not having a go at you btw!

Yep I’m definitely all woman, I just love Peter from Come Dine With Me

This is a really rude comment in my opinion.

Its okay we made up after

 

[LucilleBluth]

Trust me I am all woman I just love


Yep I’m definitely all woman, I just love Peter from Come Dine With Me



Its okay we made up after

I love how he’s looking straight at the camera / into my soul in your pic

 

[Renata]

This is a really rude comment in my opinion.

yes it was. I responded badly because I misinterpreted the poster. I thought it was another “player” man trying to validate himself.

 

[Lalisa_mb]

Changed my life & I hope it helps you too xx

 

[LucilleBluth]

I wouldn’t delete my account either but I just log out and stay logged out for weeks at a time. It has done wonders for my MH. I have another anonymous account where I follow nice things like interior design, nature photos, and baking accounts. Nobody else knows about it and I never post on it. That way I get my fix and can check up on the people I post about here without ever needing to look at my personal account. I do very occasionally miss out on “news” from non-close friends but tbh it’s worth the trade off for me.

 

[Londoncailín]

I've been single 5 years after just being done with men and dating.

On nights where I'm feeling a bit meh I find my favourite things that a man wouldn't particularly enjoy, a bit of a pamper, my favourite film, that kind of thing.

And always bear in mind people only put out there what they want you to see. I talk to my married friends regularly and so when they post happy family pics remember that behind that there's the whinges and arguments I've just been told about

I just keep myself so busy with different friends that actually I don't really have time for a man now and he would have to bend over backwards to persuade me, not the other way round

I think we may be the same person

 

[Renata]

@birdiefly246

yes you want them to want you.

i think we know when their actions disappoint us. I truly believe that when someone is into you they will do things out of the ordinary to see you (send you a an, Keep
In contact, explain things etc).

it’s no different to when you want to see your friends, you might have to text a few hundred times but you do because you want to. The effort needs to be there.

the difference is - now I will walk. Previously I want exhaust myself & chase.

 

[Lalisa_mb]

I recently went through a break up , I’ve got a thread on here actually . I really struggle being single but on reflection I thought what did he actually add to my life ? Nothing in fact not financially, emotionally, he caused me more stress being together , so I was definitely with him for the wrong reasons .
I just get bored on my own ! Plus as someone else said I miss intimacy & yes just sex !! I’m not the type just to get a f**k buddy either just to satisfy me in that way . Like someone else said aswell you see all these happy families on Facebook & I just think meh makes you feel lonely .

100% agree ... I just crave the connection I don’t actually want them which is quite sad

 

[Monkeybum]

Adding it to my Amazon list now! Thanks so much and have a lovely Christmas x

Thank you! You too x