How to be happy single?

[Renata]

I’m really happy that I single because the majority of men that I have met to date are horribly unsuitable.

i don’t see myself settling with any of them, they have little to offer me for this reason I’m happy - I simply don’t want them.

I know that a lot of my friends have settled to fit in and I find that sad. I surround myself with single people because they are easier to tolerate and we have more in common.

until I meet someone that is good enough I won’t be settling and it feels really good.

 

[birdiefly246]

I agree with some of the people on here - I have also been in bad relationships, that weren't exactly what I wanted, and it was only after they ended that I realised that the bad outweighed the good. I put up with a lot of things because I wanted the connection, the benefits of a relationship, and I didn't want to be alone.
I've been single since May now (lockdown break up - blessing in disguise!), I have gone on a few dates here and there, but never really got past a first date. It isn't that my standards are high, I've just promised myself I would stop settling for less than I deserve/want (sounds a bit big headed, but I promise I am not). I have learnt that relationships are about compromise, but I have always been the one compromising.
I think especially now because of the pandemic and living alone I miss having someone around, someone to talk to (that's more than a friend!). I find myself swiping on dating apps.
However, I am also trying to focus on myself. I have always needed validation from men, and I am trying to realise that I don't need a man to love me, to love myself. I am more than enough!
I have started focusing on bettering myself as a person, I go on walks alone, started focusing on fitness and a healthier lifestyle, improving my cooking skills and just learning to feel content in the life that I have. I don't want to only feel content when I am in a relationship!

I'm glad you're focussing on bettering yourself cause that is amazing and I find it really admirable that you are willing to admit that you needed validation as that can be really vulnerable. Keep your standards high cause you ARE most certainly more than enough and you absolutely shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve!

I hope you don't mind me asking but a lot of your story resonated with me! Not to sound like a consellor but have you ever thought about why you're always the one compromising?
sounds wacko but let me explain.
In all of the men I've been on dates with or were talking to the ONE thing they all always had in common was that they were all emotionally unavailable. It was always when it was convenient for them to talk to me or see me, even with just a simple text back. Always made me feel confused about whether they liked me or not. They were interested in me when we texting or when we were together but then they'd disappear for hours. It all came to head about a year and a half ago when I was talking to this one guy. After a month of talking with the same cycle as above and me giving him the benefit of the doubt I ended it. It was only after I ended it and reflected on it that I realised that all the men I go for are emotionally unavailable and I realised that they were exactly like my dad, who did to me as a child the exact same thing that these guys were doing to me, i.e only saw me when it was convenient for him, he even chose the custody arrangements for the days it was convenient for him, would drop me for anything else that came along. He was interested in me when I was with him however if it wasn't his 2 days to see me then I wouldn't hear from him at all despite having a mobile he could contact me on.

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn or being too personal but having this realisation has drastically changed the men I now go for as I am aware of it.

 

[Renata]

I don’t miss being ghosted and gaslighted.

there really are some awful people out there.

 

[LucilleBluth]

I agree with pretty much all of the advice here. I love my own company and I too have wasted time in the wrong relationships, so I can totally see myself getting to a point of preferring being single to being in a less than great relationship.

However, being totally honest, the main thing I massively struggle with is the lack of physical affection and sex. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages. So that’s my stumbling block. It’s the one thing you can’t really give to yourself. And I don’t want to just become asexual! I don’t really know if there’s an answer to this one but I’d love to hear it if there is! In non covid times it’s easier to have regular sex even without a relationship, but right now it’s basically impossible

 

[Glamourelle]

I've been single for almost 8 years which sometimes embarrasses me but I have been treated very badly by men so after that relationship I told myself that I would just focus on bettering myself and doing things I want to do.. I dont NEED a man but it would be a bonus if i met someone. They have to compliment my life not complete it.
Since I have been single I have solo travelled several times and just gotten the travl bug big time really. They are like my little adventures. I have met some great people, one of my closest friends is male(purely platonic) so we often meet up in london or have holidays.
Dont get me wrong, I would love to find someone special but I just dont see why I should settle for just anyone just so I'm not single. I have seen so mnay ppl settle and their relationships have been so unhealthy that I know I would rather be on my own that have to deal with that rubbish.

“They have to compliment my life not complete it”. I feel like I need this stuck to my forehead, that’s such a good outlook to have! And you are right- I think it’s very easy to look at other people in relationships with a finger of jealousy, however a lot of the time it’s not all positive and some couples are unhappy but choose to stay because it’s “easier” x

Yup to all the above. The absolute peace I feel about accepting that I’m single is worth everything. The energy I’ve wasted on men who, with retrospect, were really not worth it.

Acceptance is the key. We shouldn’t be reduced to just our relationship status, we are so much more than that.

So true. I have to remember I bring more to the table than whether I’m dating or not. Thanks so much x

I’ve been single since April (dumped during lockdown by partner of 4 years). Won’t go into detail here but it was a terrible shock causing me a lot of hurt. It still does but not as much. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my ex.

However, in a weird way, the lockdowns have helped me realise how important is it to look after myself. I was scared of being single - I had spent most of my 20s in a relationship. I’m 28 in 3 weeks and the thought of being alone as I’m getting to my 30s is intimidating but I’m just going with the flow. I really want to focus on my PhD, saving for a house/flat (moved back home after the break-up) and just generally focusing on myself!

Some things what help me be happy as a singleton are;
- Realising my freedom and not having to think about someone else e.g I can’t watch that on TV tonight as my Bf/GF doesn’t like it... oh wait yes I can!
- Loads of time to myself to do what I want (albeit not in lockdown/tiers)
- Spend more time with family / friends
- Take regular breaks from my phone/social media - this time of year is a massive trigger for my mental health and being away from social media helps me a lot
- Don’t stalk your ex(s)

Sorry for the waffle but being single is something I’ve really had to adjust to this year. I’m looking forward to the future however, away from men/dating, for the foreseeable. I just can’t be bothered!

Happy Christmas

Ah I’m so sorry about what happened in April. Sending you huge hugs! I’ve been in that situation, albeit a few years ago but I know how you are feeling- as cliche as it sounds time really does make things better and you will get there. It sounds like you have so many things to look forward to as well and I really hope 2021 is your year. Love your advice, I think someone else mentioned the social media thing and I 100% with you both. Plus I know if I’m on there I’ll be prone to stalking exes! X

24 never been in a relationship. I've "talked" if that makes sense but never been in an official relationship. I don't really use dating apps, I have done but don't now

Brutal honesty, I have really high standards. I know what I want in relationship and what I will not put up with. My opinion has always been I've got my own stuff going on (I work and am in the middle of a degree, I have a lot of hobbies that I love, have really brilliant friends) so I don't have time to be messed around or to be with someone who's half arsed. I'm also really independent and confident so I don't really need the validation if that makes sense. Sometimes I do get insecure about it but then I think it'll happen when it happens and it'll be right when it does.

I would say,
-fill your time with things you want to do and focus on that. Pick up a hobby that you've always wanted to do. The idea for me is to have such a full life with my own content-ness (don't think that's a word but we're going with it) that anyone who comes in and out of your life is a bonus (friends, family and relationships!)

-use the time to figure out what you want and like out of life. What do you want, where do you want to go with life etc, so that when someone comes along you're not swayed by whatever they want cause you know yourself. (I have so many friends who just want things cause it's what their boyfriend wants.)

-Learn to be happy alone. There's something really comforting about liking your own company. I do pretty much everything alone, cinema, holiday, site seeing, restaurants (that one took me awhile but I hate restaurants with people as well ), literally moved to a whole other country alone, and yeah sometimes I think I'd be nice to have someone to do those things with but then I think I'd have to focus on what they want. I don't mind compromise but sometimes it's nice to just go and leave when you want, eat what you want, make your own decisions...

- Single doesn't mean undesired. The stigma surrounding being a single woman is just so sad. I think society deems single woman as unwanted and that's why so many women jump from relationship to relationship and need a 'back up' before they leave one (I know so many women like this). They need the validation that comes with being in a relationship even if that relationship isn't a good one.

I also think a lot of society focusses so much on relationships, think about it, if you're single you're asked if you've found someone, if you're with someone you're asked about them constantly, if you're engaged you're asked when are you getting married and so on and on.
Engagement, pregnancy and marriage the things women seem to get praised for the most. It's never degrees, marathons. (side note: this is why I get irrationally angry when men propose to women when they've just run marathons or had promotions etc. pisses me right off!)

I will leave you with something my 87 year old Nanna always tells me "you focus on what YOU want to do and what YOU want to be and anyone who is meant to be in your life will be and they'll be damn lucky to have you. If you spend your time focussing on being what other people want you're robbing the world of the opportunity of having you as you in it."

Your Nanna is a very wise woman and she has definitely passed her wisdom on to you (and you’re so right- content-ness is a thing and we’re going with it ). I love my own company at home, but would love to have the confidence to travel alone, even sit and have a coffee on my own in a cafe and I think (Covid pending) that’s something I definitely want to work on in the new year.
The validation part you mentioned has seriously struck a chord with me and I think I definitely need to do some inside work for it. I seriously need to stop seeking validation from other people (men in particular)! As someone mentioned before, women should realise we bring more to the table than our relationship status and I need to start recognising my own worth and all the things I work hard for (my job , good relationships with family and friends etc). Thanks so much for your wise words x

I found myself single after a long term relationship ended badly and I was single for over 4 years. 2 years of dating in and off but never really clicked with anyone. Then I thought sod it, I’m going to enjoy my single time as it’s won’t be forever. I took myself on holiday to far flung places, volunteered whilst out there, met loads of new people, and did whatever pleased me and just enjoyed it. I worked on all the things I wanted to do. Sometimes it got a little boring, but rarely. It was nice not having anyone else to please. Then went on a dating app, went on one date and Yeats later we’re still together. But the time I had to be single gave me confidence in myself, and cheesy as it sounds I started to live myself. I had that time to work out exactly what I wanted and make myself happy. I was happy as I was and then someone came along and added to it. I hope that makes sense. But just enjoy it and concentrate on you x

That’s amazing! It’s so nice that you took the bull by the horns and did whatever you wanted to do. I think a lot of people, myself included, are so quick to see being single as something negative but stories like yours just show it’s such an empowering time that gives you confidence and shows you what you want from life. I bet you have some amazing stories from your travels too! x

By the way everyone, thanks so much for your comments and stories so far. I’m reading through them feeling so empowered by you all already. 2021 is definitely our year!

 

[petitspois]

I think being single is a huge privilege and blessing.

Some of the men I have met are a mixture of narcissistic, mummy’s boys, bordering on abusers - and many cheat very easily.

So yes - I love being single if that’s the options available.

There are loads of serial daters that go home to a family. Loads. Don’t be fooled.

Merry Christmas

I agree with this completely. I love being single and really safeguard my space. Men often disappoint on so many levels. Finding one who isn’t a liar, abusive or a lazy toad is hard enough but trying to find one that doesn’t bore you to death about their strava is gold dust.

I get on really well with my ex, we parent together and I love it with just me and my kids.

 

[birdiefly246]

I recently went through a break up , I’ve got a thread on here actually . I really struggle being single but on reflection I thought what did he actually add to my life ? Nothing in fact not financially, emotionally, he caused me more stress being together , so I was definitely with him for the wrong reasons .
I just get bored on my own ! Plus as someone else said I miss intimacy & yes just sex !! I’m not the type just to get a f**k buddy either just to satisfy me in that way . Like someone else said aswell you see all these happy families on Facebook & I just think meh makes you feel lonely .

I think the happy families or the couple holiday pictures are the hardest bit for me. I do just try to remember now that the grass ain't greener and that's just one image. For example, my sister posts pictures of her family all over instagram and Facebook about how wonderful a day they're having on christmas/day out etc but I know for a fine fact that at one point one or more of the kids has kicked off, she's argued with her boyfriend, and she's rang me half way through the day while in the bath to moan at me about it. Social media is not what it ever seems

 

[TheScarletgirl]

I feel like men have lost their manners towards women.

They don’t seem to want a relationship (despite pretending they do). They want to date multiple women on a budget and keep you on the sidelines for when their faults are pointed out.

Also, they often treat the woman like a man (no romance). It was when I realised all this and saw the signs I improved my dating situation.

I’m wondering if all the women who are in relationships/married accepted these men to avoid being single?

Yes they do. I call them settlers.

 

[Renata]

Also I can show you a few couples pictures on social media that look really happy.

One guy is a multimillionaire (pharmaceutical industry). His wife is stunning, and also highly educated, 2 perfect kids YET he is a disgusting horny predator who is openly online cheating.

He and his wife are extremely good looking - they seem to have it all yet all he does is look for sex.

If his wife does know she should ask him to be a bit more discreet (as he is using his real recent pictures). If she doesn’t know or turns a blind eye that’s sad too as they portray the perfect family.

His Facebook profile picture is his wife and kids.

There must be so many others like this (probably less good looking) who cheat. All he does is change his name yet these algorithms lead you to their real profiles.

I don’t believe any curated pictures in social media. Real happy families are happy in private.

 

[Alexaj]

Tips? Stay off social media - it'll just make you feel bad. Hang out a LOT more with your other single friends (this is what I miss). Get a dog.

 

[HankMcPrank]

I love being single!! X

 

[Lovethesun]

I recently went through a break up , I’ve got a thread on here actually . I really struggle being single but on reflection I thought what did he actually add to my life ? Nothing in fact not financially, emotionally, he caused me more stress being together , so I was definitely with him for the wrong reasons .
I just get bored on my own ! Plus as someone else said I miss intimacy & yes just sex !! I’m not the type just to get a f**k buddy either just to satisfy me in that way . Like someone else said aswell you see all these happy families on Facebook & I just think meh makes you feel lonely .

 

[Clementine]

Yup to all the above. The absolute peace I feel about accepting that I’m single is worth everything. The energy I’ve wasted on men who, with retrospect, were really not worth it.

Acceptance is the key. We shouldn’t be reduced to just our relationship status, we are so much more than that.

 

[Renata]

I think being single is a huge privilege and blessing.

Some of the men I have met are a mixture of narcissistic, mummy’s boys, bordering on abusers - and many cheat very easily.

So yes - I love being single if that’s the options available.

There are loads of serial daters that go home to a family. Loads. Don’t be fooled.

Merry Christmas

 

[Scorpihoe]

I have no advice, but just want to tell you you’re not alone.

I haven’t been single since I was 15 (I’m now 23). I sound so pathetic, but I need to be in a relationship. I don’t feel myself if I don’t have anyone. This is so dangerous and has made me stay in relationships way way longer than I should have, if I’m being treated like shit.. I’ve been with my current bf for nearly 4 years, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far. But I can’t even remember what it’s like to be single. I wouldn’t know how to act. I’m aware of how sad I sound right now!

I could never leave a relationship, without jumping straight back into the dating pool, because the truth is, I find it impossible to be alone. I love doing things by myself, I’m a total introvert. I love watching movies and being alone. But emotionally alone? With no one to talk to? It’s impossible for me... even though I have so many close friends. I need a romantic partner

when I was younger, I wouldn’t leave a relationship unless I had a “backup” secured. I know that sounds awful, but I’m fundamentally terrified of being alone. I’m sure I have some sort of psychological issues and need to see a therapist about this

sorry I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear I have no advice I just needed to get this off my chest. I know how you feel and I’m trying to work on it

 

[Renata]

The emotionally unavailable bit resonated a lot with me.

I chose these guys previously.

most of them saw me on their terms & one used to give me one word replies.

now I backaway fast from any one liner replies. It seems they date you properly (dinners etc) & then the romance runs out. I don’t think it’s income related (all doing very well in life). I think they cannot continue the act.

as soon as I backed off they start chasing & feeling insecure.

one pursued me for feedback & I had to meet him for a coffee to explain why one liners are disrespectful, why lack of contact is notright etc etc

he knew all this yet could notbear being dumped (ghosted by me).

for every 9 women that accept the one liners there is one (me)that won’t.

it’s when you reach this stage that the tables turn.

this guy is pursuing me (on his best behaviour now).

 

[Monkeybum]

I actually love this, especially the last part! I think I spend so much time trying to prove my worth to men that I don’t stop to think whether they’re good enough for me, if that makes sense? Thanks so much for your input

Completely makes sense, that's exactly how I was, now they need to prove they're worthy of me. And if noone comes along then I'm happy on my own.

A single friend recommended the book 'The unexpected joy of being single' by Catherine Gray. I haven't read it but she said it really changed her mindset so might be worth looking up x

 

[under the ivy]

I have a very straight forward attitude to men now, I hate them Which is horrible to say but they let me down all the time. It has jaded my view of them. So I’m very cynical of people in love and relationships all together now. I think that helps me be happy single - I would have never have written that or even thought that this time last year.

 

[Lalisa_mb]

Thought I’d drop this here

 

[Renata]

Bit harsh! It’s not really about bettering yourself. We can all aspire to whatever relationship status we want. It’s good to be able to be alone but I think that’s what OP is saying - she wants to work on that for herself.

And people are absolutely dating, FYI. You can do video dates and if you’re both comfortable, meet for a walk and keep your distance.

It was a bit harsh. I thought I was speaking to a man - similar to the men I have been meeting.