How do I tell my friend that her house is disgusting?

[DigiDuino]

“My friend......”

well that’s a lie,
no friend would post a thread like this, that isn’t a friend. She might need to learn how to tidy up but you need to learn how to be an actual friend Talk to your mum, your dad, your partner, mutual friends you trust,

I hope you “friend” has better friends in her corner,
and I hope she never finds out her situation has been used as gossip fodder.

I would never take photos of someone’s home and post them on a forum thousands visit daily,
That’s a line I’d never cross.

Yes the photos were short sighted and stupid. I realise the mistakes I made with the first post, but I can't edit it now sadly.

I have spoken to my mum about it, she didn't know what I should do either (didn't show her the photos though, just told her about my discomfort).
I wouldn't speak about it to my own other friends since they do know her but they're not friends of hers and haven't seen each other in a good 10 years. We just don't have mutual friends nowadays, which is a shame that would be helpful


I will be reaching out to her as soon as we can possibly meet again.

 

[Rlaw1978]

100% in person subject. Bring round something nice to drink or eat and just ask her if everything is ok. You sound like a really good caring friend x

 

[Begborrowsteal]

How have you got on, OP?

 

[Isa Drennan]

How about rather than taking pictures the next time you're at your friends house you make a cup of tea for her instead or help her with the dishes?

I've done dishes for friends with depression, helped pick up their clothes into the washing basket (easily justified if you're on a night out and tidying your own mess) and took the bins out when my friend couldn't cope! It's common especially for new mums, show a bit of compassion instead of taking pictures, how would you feel if you were in her situation?

 

[Raininvain]

I've apologised for the photos, they weren't up long at all before I managed to get them deleted (there seems to be some sort of time limit on edits? I had to report it for a mod to delete them). It was something I did stupidly the minute I woke up this morning, I really need to stay away from forums first thing

We talk about each others mental health a lot. She's very open (I'm not so good at talking about it when it's about me!), but yeah she won't meet up anywhere - something I understand of course, but it's making it painful.



I'll do that as soon as I can, thank you! I'll have a think on how to bring it up gently

O.K,Well if she wont meet up anywhere, then I'd leave her to it. I wouldnt be cleaning her house, when she lives there with her boyfriend. Obviously though everyone is different. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[mindlessness]

So yeah, probably not best to put the photo up, but its gone now.

Back to the point of your post - I would address it with her. It could signal that other stuff is going on (mental health wise). But it could also just be she hasn't quite got her head around 'adulting'. I would encourage her and her partner to look at resources like Flylady and unfuckyourhabitat for easy, actionable methods for housekeeping. Try to be compassionate. But also if you are close friends, I think its okay to be a bit blunt?

 

[Eyerolling]

In fairness to the poster they’ve apologised a lot for the photos and realised it crossed a line, think we’ve all made mistakes in life! The photos are gone and hopefully no harm done.

Sorry but id be even pissed off and hurt that a friend took the photos never mind posted them.

 

[DigiDuino]

Edit: didn’t mean to sound so judgemental of the OP who I can see has apologised and removed the photos.
OP- maybe tackle this from a concern from her wellbeing angle instead of “your house is disgusting” which could be quite harsh. is she happy with her BF? For all you know their relationship may not be great and a cause of this. Be a friend, be there for her. Don’t judge her. Also, not everyone can/wants to be Mrs Hinch. Sometimes the cleaning brigade take it too far!!

Yeah the title was also stupid wasn't it - totally agreed.

They've had a fair few issues but the last time was a few months ago now, I'll check in about that too just in case. I think it may be in part because they've both been in the house together throughout the pandemic? Her work are opening up again in the next couple of weeks, maybe routine is helpful!

I seem to have missed who Mrs Hinch is somehow, wow that's a lot of threads! I'll check that out.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I would tell her the truth. One can be truthful and it might sting but you can do it in a nice way. Start by asking how her mental health is and then move onto saying you've noticed she has let cleaning of the house go a bit. Offer to help (even if you don't want to) and say that your issues mean that you find it stressfull being in an environment that is not clean.
I didn't see the photo but there is obviously a massive difference between being dirty and untidy. So if it's just untidy ignore it, if it's dirty you need to say something.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

If youve been friends for so long, you should be able to bring it up in a way thats from a place of concern. I get its uncomfortable, telling someone essentially that theyre dirty is rude.. but she cant be ok if shes living in mess like that, you know?

Id just be honest, but very gentle. Or even an offer to give her a hand with some of the housework? Could jolt her to realise how it may look? Personally, I would ask if she is ok and if she is coping with running the house alongside any MH issues.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Personally I wouldn’t say anything about the state of her house. That kind of critisim- be it well intended can end friendships. Certainly she will be aware of the state the house is in herself and feel terrible enough about it.
I would never go into anyone’s house be it friend or family and feel I can comment on how it’s kept, it’s none of my business for a start. If your concerned about her, ask instead how’s she’s getting on and offer to be someone to talk to/support. This will be a lot more appreciated then telling her how bad her house is. One thing effects the other, if she starts to feel better this will be reflected in the upkeep of the house).
(And please don’t go and try and tidy up, even though it’s well intended and valid , she will see it as a massive insult.)

I guess it depends on the dynamic of the friendship. I had a friend offer to help me and it was so so appreciated.

 

[_basic_]

I would just be honest. She obviously has shared the fact that she doesn’t like to be away from the house with you, you need to explain that you have anxiety about being in a house like that. At the end of the day if it’s affecting you that much that you feel like you need to come here and ask, even if she takes it badly it’s not really a loss. I’d just be completely honest if it were me. She’ll either take it badly or be understanding, I don’t see any other way around it

 

[Rlaw1978]

I guess it depends on the dynamic of the friendship. I had a friend offer to help me and it was so so appreciated.

True and the kind of person she is. I’m an extremely private person so wouldn’t take kindly to it.
I still think getting to the root of why the house is a mess is the way to go, rather than directly saying your house is a state. There’s obviously a reason things have got this bad.

 

[Spencerskates]

If you haven’t already spoken to your friend, I feel like there’s a few ways you could go about it.

Firstly is just to talk to her and ask how she’s been doing lately, this could be done over the phone, and ask if she’s managing to keep on top of things like housework, if she says yes, and you then find that she isn’t, there’s probably not much you can do. But if she says no, then you could offer to help - you could say it’s ‘payment’ for her hospitality. A couple of friends did this for me when I was in a really bad way mentally and it did wonders for my mental state.

Did you say that she lives with a boyfriend? What’s your relationship like with him? If it’s decent, you could maybe ask him how she’s getting on, say she didn’t seem herself last time you visited and ask if there’s anything you can do to support.

How long do you normally stay for? Could you offer to cook lunch/dinner for you both? That way you could clean the kitchen before and after - I don’t think it’s unreasonable with the corona situation to just say you want to wipe everything down before you start, then you could give it more of a going over afterwards.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

True and the kind of person she is. I’m an extremely private person so wouldn’t take kindly to it.
I still think getting to the root of why the house is a mess is the way to go, rather than directly saying your house is a state. There’s obviously a reason things have got this bad.

Yeah, definitely!

 

[DigiDuino]

So yeah, probably not best to put the photo up, but its gone now.

Back to the point of your post - I would address it with her. It could signal that other stuff is going on (mental health wise). But it could also just be she hasn't quite got her head around 'adulting'. I would encourage her and her partner to look at resources like Flylady and unfuckyourhabitat for easy, actionable methods for housekeeping. Try to be compassionate. But also if you are close friends, I think its okay to be a bit blunt?

those resources look helpful, thank you! I’ll check them out myself and see if they can be brought up at some point!
The whole ‘adulting’ thing is interesting and has made me think about things that have come up before so thank you for that. I’ve got a lot to consider

 

[Meh]

My house was particularly bad when my head was in a mess. A 'friend' knew I was struggling, but still went and gossiped about my home to others. I was so angry and hurt that I allowed someone in my home who I trusted, for them to then judge me like that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to be a better friend. Posting on here about it is ridiculous. Dont stay there if its that bad, but I would suggest asking her in a concerned way, if shes ok and coping.

Agreed.

My mother went through this. She was waiting for an operation and couldn’t physically keep up with cleaning her home. We didn’t live at home and didn’t know how bad it had become.
A bit more focus from us, her kids, and everyone pitching in to help with cleaning until she got her surgery and was mended.

I didn’t see that pic posted here but come on-tattle isn’t for people to slate ordinary folks houses / hygiene. Pretty poor choice by OP in my view.

Edit: didn’t mean to sound so judgemental of the OP who I can see has apologised and removed the photos.
OP- maybe tackle this from a concern from her wellbeing angle instead of “your house is disgusting” which could be quite harsh. is she happy with her BF? For all you know their relationship may not be great and a cause of this. Be a friend, be there for her. Don’t judge her. Also, not everyone can/wants to be Mrs Hinch. Sometimes the cleaning brigade take it too far!!

 

[DigiDuino]

Perhaps say you don't feel comfortable staying in a house with other people and are going to book a hotel room to have a bedroom/ bathroom to yourself. Tell her it's an indulgence to yourself.

I get that, but it wouldn't work. We only ever meet inside her house, she doesn't like being outside of her own home for any extended period (something she's getting help for). I could stay in a hotel but I'd still have to go to her place to actually see her.
I have been mentioning it more recently since I can't be inside her house but if she doesn't want to she doesn't want to you know?

I want to see her but it feels like there's no way to accommodate us both for now which sucks.

 

[Raininvain]

Wow its very mean of you to be posting photos of her house on a public forum. I'd go mad if a friend of mine did this.
You dont know whats going on in her life, she could have serious problems/ mental health issues anything, who knows.
I think your best bet is to meet up in a city/town halfway for the day, not many friendships will survive blatant criticism of a persons house.If she wont meet up anywhere then I'd just let her go. I wouldn't want to be sat in a really bad dirty house either.

 

[DigiDuino]

In regards, to telling her you find her home gross. Well, only you know if your friendship is open enough to take the critcism. Also risk vs reward. Is it worth telling her your opinion about HER home if it may cost you a 15 year friendship?

That's it I don't want to tell her, I just don't want to go back? But she keeps asking why and I just have no idea what to say.

Hotel room is possible, probably a good shout for next time!

I’m shocked you’ve posted the images on here to be honest and hope she doesn’t find out.
Yes it’s a mess and I wouldn't want to stay there but why not offer to help her? maybe she’s struggling and it’s more of a cry for help?

Yeah I regret posting the pictures but I can't seem to edit now?

I just don't want to bring it up, we talk about mental health stuff a lot anyway but that feels like if I say something it's an attack on her?