How do I tell my friend that her house is disgusting?

[DigiDuino]

(I hope this is ok to post with the images?)

My best friend of 15 years has always been a bit messy, but she moved out with her boyfriend a year ago and it's gotten WAY worse.

Due to me living far away now/COVID I'd never been to her new house properly, but I had went to visit her a couple of weeks ago since it's been so long. I'd even agreed to stay the night since her new place is a decent drive even from where I am at my parents.

I really cannot express how bad it was in words, the place stank. I don't normally wear shoes in any house but I had to because there was just bits of cat litter all over the floor! I'm not the cleanest person in the world but if someones coming to my house I do make sure it's tidy.

Forgive me for the bathroom picture but I feel like it says it all...





I don't want to just say something for no reason, but she's trying to organise the next time I'll go up I keep trying to say we can meet elsewhere for lunch or something but she is not having it. I really keep having to stop myself from saying it, what can I do? There's no way that I can go in that house again without it being power cleaned!

 

[JessaP]

Firstly, I hope your friend isn't on the forum as she will be seriously pissed to see that her best friend posted photos of her home.

Secondly, god that is grim.
I have a friend who is similarly slobbish. I once slept on her sofa and pulled out an old takeaway polystyrene box from between the seat cushions. I made a joke out of it the next morning and haven't crashed there since. When I go up to see that set of friends, I just book a hotel room.

If you aren't comfortable staying there. Don't.

In regards, to telling her you find her home gross. Well, only you know if your friendship is open enough to take the critcism. Also risk vs reward. Is it worth telling her your opinion about HER home if it may cost you a 15 year friendship?

 

[cushtybert]

I’m shocked you’ve posted the images on here to be honest and hope she doesn’t find out.
Yes it’s a mess and I wouldn't want to stay there but why not offer to help her? maybe she’s struggling and it’s more of a cry for help?

 

[DigiDuino]

In regards, to telling her you find her home gross. Well, only you know if your friendship is open enough to take the critcism. Also risk vs reward. Is it worth telling her your opinion about HER home if it may cost you a 15 year friendship?

That's it I don't want to tell her, I just don't want to go back? But she keeps asking why and I just have no idea what to say.

Hotel room is possible, probably a good shout for next time!

I’m shocked you’ve posted the images on here to be honest and hope she doesn’t find out.
Yes it’s a mess and I wouldn't want to stay there but why not offer to help her? maybe she’s struggling and it’s more of a cry for help?

Yeah I regret posting the pictures but I can't seem to edit now?

I just don't want to bring it up, we talk about mental health stuff a lot anyway but that feels like if I say something it's an attack on her?

 

[gigi_xo]

Okay. So from what I can see, she has cleaning products in her bathroom/lounge. Her bookcase looks relatively organised. Yes everything else is messy but it doesn’t look unclean. She could be struggling with her mental health and as a friend of 15 years I’d be more worried about her wellbeing than getting opinions from strangers online on whether her house is ‘disgusting’ or not.

 

[DigiDuino]

Okay. So from what I can see, she has cleaning products in her bathroom/lounge. Her bookcase looks relatively organised. Yes everything else is messy but it doesn’t look unclean. She could be struggling with her mental health and as a friend of 15 years I’d be more worried about her wellbeing than getting opinions from strangers online on whether her house is ‘disgusting’ or not.

Ok I shouldn't have posted this.

How can I delete the pictures at least?
Edit: They're gone now, sorry I realise that was daft

 

[Begborrowsteal]

My house was particularly bad when my head was in a mess. A 'friend' knew I was struggling, but still went and gossiped about my home to others. I was so angry and hurt that I allowed someone in my home who I trusted, for them to then judge me like that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to be a better friend. Posting on here about it is ridiculous. Dont stay there if its that bad, but I would suggest asking her in a concerned way, if shes ok and coping.

 

[DigiDuino]

My house was particularly bad when my head was in a mess. A 'friend' knew I was struggling, but still went and gossiped about my home to others. I was so angry and hurt that I allowed someone in my home who I trusted, for them to then judge me like that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to be a better friend. Posting on here about it is ridiculous. Dont stay there if its that bad, but I would suggest asking her in a concerned way, if shes ok and coping.

Yeah I regretted the pictures straight away. I can't even remember why I took them but I hadn't shared them with anyone else - I just woke up this morning and it seemed like a good idea? I just needed to vent anonymously about it because she keeps asking me to go to her house but I can't say anything, I can't make excuses forever either!
When I'm here I stay at my parents and I normally live at the opposite end of the country, so my place isn't an option. As kids we swapped between houses a lot

We do talk about our mental health a lot to each other but I just don't know how to mention this thing in particular without it coming off as bad? I get why she doesn't want to meet up for lunch or whatever, that is a mental health thing she struggles with. But being in a messy house flares up my anxiety too so I feel at a bit of a loss!

 

[Kim Mild]

It sounds like you are the one with the problem with the mess, not her. She is trying to be hospitable, she isn't hiding it from you. She has probably gone a bit blind to the state of it. And since it's where she lives , she can decide her cleanliness/ tidying priorities.

Perhaps say you don't feel comfortable staying in a house with other people and are going to book a hotel room to have a bedroom/ bathroom to yourself. Tell her it's an indulgence to yourself.

I wish I'd seen the pictures.

 

[DigiDuino]

Perhaps say you don't feel comfortable staying in a house with other people and are going to book a hotel room to have a bedroom/ bathroom to yourself. Tell her it's an indulgence to yourself.

I get that, but it wouldn't work. We only ever meet inside her house, she doesn't like being outside of her own home for any extended period (something she's getting help for). I could stay in a hotel but I'd still have to go to her place to actually see her.
I have been mentioning it more recently since I can't be inside her house but if she doesn't want to she doesn't want to you know?

I want to see her but it feels like there's no way to accommodate us both for now which sucks.

 

[KerChing]

I can’t see the pics but in my experience (as a domestic cleaner), a lot people live in disgusting states & just don’t really care. If her house is rank when she’s having visitors, I guess she’s one of those people.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

If youve been friends for so long, you should be able to bring it up in a way thats from a place of concern. I get its uncomfortable, telling someone essentially that theyre dirty is rude.. but she cant be ok if shes living in mess like that, you know?

Id just be honest, but very gentle. Or even an offer to give her a hand with some of the housework? Could jolt her to realise how it may look? Personally, I would ask if she is ok and if she is coping with running the house alongside any MH issues.

 

[Tui]

Can you make up a cat allergy?

 

[Rlaw1978]

Personally I wouldn’t say anything about the state of her house. That kind of critisim- be it well intended can end friendships. Certainly she will be aware of the state the house is in herself and feel terrible enough about it.
I would never go into anyone’s house be it friend or family and feel I can comment on how it’s kept, it’s none of my business for a start. If your concerned about her, ask instead how’s she’s getting on and offer to be someone to talk to/support. This will be a lot more appreciated then telling her how bad her house is. One thing effects the other, if she starts to feel better this will be reflected in the upkeep of the house).
(And please don’t go and try and tidy up, even though it’s well intended and valid , she will see it as a massive insult.)

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Personally I wouldn’t say anything about the state of her house. That kind of critisim- be it well intended can end friendships. Certainly she will be aware of the state the house is in herself and feel terrible enough about it.
I would never go into anyone’s house be it friend or family and feel I can comment on how it’s kept, it’s none of my business for a start. If your concerned about her, ask instead how’s she’s getting on and offer to be someone to talk to/support. This will be a lot more appreciated then telling her how bad her house is. One thing effects the other, if she starts to feel better this will be reflected in the upkeep of the house).
(And please don’t go and try and tidy up, even though it’s well intended and valid , she will see it as a massive insult.)

I guess it depends on the dynamic of the friendship. I had a friend offer to help me and it was so so appreciated.

 

[_basic_]

I would just be honest. She obviously has shared the fact that she doesn’t like to be away from the house with you, you need to explain that you have anxiety about being in a house like that. At the end of the day if it’s affecting you that much that you feel like you need to come here and ask, even if she takes it badly it’s not really a loss. I’d just be completely honest if it were me. She’ll either take it badly or be understanding, I don’t see any other way around it

 

[Rlaw1978]

I guess it depends on the dynamic of the friendship. I had a friend offer to help me and it was so so appreciated.

True and the kind of person she is. I’m an extremely private person so wouldn’t take kindly to it.
I still think getting to the root of why the house is a mess is the way to go, rather than directly saying your house is a state. There’s obviously a reason things have got this bad.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

True and the kind of person she is. I’m an extremely private person so wouldn’t take kindly to it.
I still think getting to the root of why the house is a mess is the way to go, rather than directly saying your house is a state. There’s obviously a reason things have got this bad.

Yeah, definitely!

 

[DigiDuino]

I would just be honest. She obviously has shared the fact that she doesn’t like to be away from the house with you, you need to explain that you have anxiety about being in a house like that. At the end of the day if it’s affecting you that much that you feel like you need to come here and ask, even if she takes it badly it’s not really a loss. I’d just be completely honest if it were me. She’ll either take it badly or be understanding, I don’t see any other way around it

The away from the house thing has been an issue for a long time, she doesn't like being away from home at all with anyone unless it's for work. It's something we discuss often and not something we've had issues over, it never was a problem until she moved really.

True and the kind of person she is. I’m an extremely private person so wouldn’t take kindly to it.
I still think getting to the root of why the house is a mess is the way to go, rather than directly saying your house is a state. There’s obviously a reason things have got this bad.

I think you're right and I should just talk to her about it, feels like an in-person sort of subject?

 

[Rlaw1978]

100% in person subject. Bring round something nice to drink or eat and just ask her if everything is ok. You sound like a really good caring friend x