How do I tell my friend that her house is disgusting?

[Begborrowsteal]

My house was particularly bad when my head was in a mess. A 'friend' knew I was struggling, but still went and gossiped about my home to others. I was so angry and hurt that I allowed someone in my home who I trusted, for them to then judge me like that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to be a better friend. Posting on here about it is ridiculous. Dont stay there if its that bad, but I would suggest asking her in a concerned way, if shes ok and coping.

 

[Happyvalley]

“My friend......”

well that’s a lie,
no friend would post a thread like this, that isn’t a friend. She might need to learn how to tidy up but you need to learn how to be an actual friend Talk to your mum, your dad, your partner, mutual friends you trust,

I hope you “friend” has better friends in her corner,
and I hope she never finds out her situation has been used as gossip fodder.

I would never take photos of someone’s home and post them on a forum thousands visit daily,
That’s a line I’d never cross.

In fairness to the poster they’ve apologised a lot for the photos and realised it crossed a line, think we’ve all made mistakes in life! The photos are gone and hopefully no harm done.

 

[cushtybert]

I’m shocked you’ve posted the images on here to be honest and hope she doesn’t find out.
Yes it’s a mess and I wouldn't want to stay there but why not offer to help her? maybe she’s struggling and it’s more of a cry for help?

 

[gigi_xo]

Okay. So from what I can see, she has cleaning products in her bathroom/lounge. Her bookcase looks relatively organised. Yes everything else is messy but it doesn’t look unclean. She could be struggling with her mental health and as a friend of 15 years I’d be more worried about her wellbeing than getting opinions from strangers online on whether her house is ‘disgusting’ or not.

 

[Oohthedrama]

“My friend......”

well that’s a lie,
no friend would post a thread like this, that isn’t a friend. She might need to learn how to tidy up but you need to learn how to be an actual friend Talk to your mum, your dad, your partner, mutual friends you trust,

I hope you “friend” has better friends in her corner,
and I hope she never finds out her situation has been used as gossip fodder.

I would never take photos of someone’s home and post them on a forum thousands visit daily,
That’s a line I’d never cross.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Hi OP

I've been in a similar situation. I've a friend that lives abroad and she invited me to stay once. To be blunt, I hated staying there, it was filthy and i didn't feel comfortable. It's a city I used to visit a lot so the next time I went I just stayed in a hotel. I told her I didn't want to be in her way and that was fine.

There's no point having a conversation with her about the state of her house, it won't end well. And I don't necessarily agree that the state of her house is down to poor mental health. It can be but not always. Bottom line is, some people are just messy and or/ lazy and don't care about such things. Obviously it's good to keep an eye on friends to make sure they're good but the last thing you want to do is start dropping hints that something might be amiss because of her home. You don't have to live there so no point addressing it. Just stay in a hotel and be done with it

 

[SqualorVictoria]

People make mistakes all the time and do things in the heat of the moment. The OP clearly feels bad and has apologised profusely.

 

[JessaP]

Firstly, I hope your friend isn't on the forum as she will be seriously pissed to see that her best friend posted photos of her home.

Secondly, god that is grim.
I have a friend who is similarly slobbish. I once slept on her sofa and pulled out an old takeaway polystyrene box from between the seat cushions. I made a joke out of it the next morning and haven't crashed there since. When I go up to see that set of friends, I just book a hotel room.

If you aren't comfortable staying there. Don't.

In regards, to telling her you find her home gross. Well, only you know if your friendship is open enough to take the critcism. Also risk vs reward. Is it worth telling her your opinion about HER home if it may cost you a 15 year friendship?

 

[KerChing]

I can’t see the pics but in my experience (as a domestic cleaner), a lot people live in disgusting states & just don’t really care. If her house is rank when she’s having visitors, I guess she’s one of those people.

 

[Rlaw1978]

Personally I wouldn’t say anything about the state of her house. That kind of critisim- be it well intended can end friendships. Certainly she will be aware of the state the house is in herself and feel terrible enough about it.
I would never go into anyone’s house be it friend or family and feel I can comment on how it’s kept, it’s none of my business for a start. If your concerned about her, ask instead how’s she’s getting on and offer to be someone to talk to/support. This will be a lot more appreciated then telling her how bad her house is. One thing effects the other, if she starts to feel better this will be reflected in the upkeep of the house).
(And please don’t go and try and tidy up, even though it’s well intended and valid , she will see it as a massive insult.)

 

[DigiDuino]

Wow its very mean of you to be posting photos of her house on a public forum. I'd go mad if a friend of mine did this.
You dont know whats going on in her life, she could have serious problems/ mental health issues anything, who knows.
I think your best bet is to meet up in a city/town halfway for the day, not many friendships will survive blatant criticism of a persons house.If she wont meet up anywhere then I'd just let her go. I wouldn't want to be sat in a really bad dirty house either.

I've apologised for the photos, they weren't up long at all before I managed to get them deleted (there seems to be some sort of time limit on edits? I had to report it for a mod to delete them). It was something I did stupidly the minute I woke up this morning, I really need to stay away from forums first thing

We talk about each others mental health a lot. She's very open (I'm not so good at talking about it when it's about me!), but yeah she won't meet up anywhere - something I understand of course, but it's making it painful.

100% in person subject. Bring round something nice to drink or eat and just ask her if everything is ok. You sound like a really good caring friend x

I'll do that as soon as I can, thank you! I'll have a think on how to bring it up gently

 

[Platypusfattypus]

How about rather than taking pictures the next time you're at your friends house you make a cup of tea for her instead or help her with the dishes?

I've done dishes for friends with depression, helped pick up their clothes into the washing basket (easily justified if you're on a night out and tidying your own mess) and took the bins out when my friend couldn't cope! It's common especially for new mums, show a bit of compassion instead of taking pictures, how would you feel if you were in her situation?

I think you have to be careful assuming it's down to her mental health. I have a friend whose house was minging, there was an actual path from the front door to his sofa. I once slept overnight in the sofa (was pissed as a fart and would have slept anywhere) and had to leave ASAP in the morning as I was desperate for a wee and couldn't bring myself to use his bathroom. He had no mental health issues, he was just riffy and if you mentioned the state of his house he'd tell you that you didn't have to come round. Thankfully he's married and she's tidy. But he would have been so offended if you started picking his clothes up or washing up. I imagine the person knows her friend better then any of us and will know its down to mental health or not.

 

[Raininvain]

I think its very one sided if you have to go to her house all the time anyway. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable and be disgusted every time you visit. You could always just ring or message instead and if she asks you to come over say that due to Covid etc you want to do things outside only.

 

[Kim Mild]

It sounds like you are the one with the problem with the mess, not her. She is trying to be hospitable, she isn't hiding it from you. She has probably gone a bit blind to the state of it. And since it's where she lives , she can decide her cleanliness/ tidying priorities.

Perhaps say you don't feel comfortable staying in a house with other people and are going to book a hotel room to have a bedroom/ bathroom to yourself. Tell her it's an indulgence to yourself.

I wish I'd seen the pictures.

 

[Casperron]

I totally get where you’re coming from. My house is a mess. I’ve only just got it sorted as I’m a single mum and only just got time away from my child to do a deep clean. One of my family members came round unexpectedly and said my house was disgusting and it really hurt me and still does. On the other hand my Mum has a really dirty house and I hate to even eat drink or use the toilet there. I think the best thing to do would be to meet elsewhere (this is what I do with my mum) does ur friend have a garden u can sit in? Or just say to her do u need help with anything in the house I have a free day etc.. just to hint to her and may make her realise there are things that need doing. She may be comfortable living like that, some people grow up in dirty homes and that’s the norm

 

[GirlLondon]

You are a good friend but everybody has limits! If she can't agree to meet you outside her home, even a short distance, then you need to tell her that her house makes you feel uncomfortable. Why should you sacrifice your anxiety because of hers?
Your sanity is just as important as hers. If you can't be honest, you will end up hating her.
Ask yourself if the friendship is worth saving? If yes, be honest with her. If not, time to let go and set yourself free of endless excuses.

 

[Tui]

Can you make up a cat allergy?

 

[DigiDuino]

Okay. So from what I can see, she has cleaning products in her bathroom/lounge. Her bookcase looks relatively organised. Yes everything else is messy but it doesn’t look unclean. She could be struggling with her mental health and as a friend of 15 years I’d be more worried about her wellbeing than getting opinions from strangers online on whether her house is ‘disgusting’ or not.

Ok I shouldn't have posted this.

How can I delete the pictures at least?
Edit: They're gone now, sorry I realise that was daft

 

[Milliehaha123]

Tbh I’ve got a friend that lives in an absolute shit hole - don’t think it’s actually ever been cleaned and she’s lived there for about 4 years. She was the exact same at uni - there’s no mental health issues behind it, she’s just lazy and can’t be arsed. It doesn’t bother her so it doesn’t bother me I’ve never broached the issue because I don’t live there and I value the friendship enough that when I go I just put up with it.
If it bothers you I’d just stay in a hotel and say you like your space etc but I’d be inclined just to lump it
Sounds like you have a good bond though and can chat things through, if you feel like you can do it in a way that doesn’t come across as judgemental then maybe worth a chat but tbh I think it’s a diff convo to have. Just because her house is messy doesn’t mean she’s necessary struggling! (I appreciate the link between the two though as mentioned by other users just offering another opinion) x

 

[DigiDuino]

My house was particularly bad when my head was in a mess. A 'friend' knew I was struggling, but still went and gossiped about my home to others. I was so angry and hurt that I allowed someone in my home who I trusted, for them to then judge me like that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to be a better friend. Posting on here about it is ridiculous. Dont stay there if its that bad, but I would suggest asking her in a concerned way, if shes ok and coping.

Yeah I regretted the pictures straight away. I can't even remember why I took them but I hadn't shared them with anyone else - I just woke up this morning and it seemed like a good idea? I just needed to vent anonymously about it because she keeps asking me to go to her house but I can't say anything, I can't make excuses forever either!
When I'm here I stay at my parents and I normally live at the opposite end of the country, so my place isn't an option. As kids we swapped between houses a lot

We do talk about our mental health a lot to each other but I just don't know how to mention this thing in particular without it coming off as bad? I get why she doesn't want to meet up for lunch or whatever, that is a mental health thing she struggles with. But being in a messy house flares up my anxiety too so I feel at a bit of a loss!