How do I tell my friend that her house is disgusting?

[Raininvain]

Wow its very mean of you to be posting photos of her house on a public forum. I'd go mad if a friend of mine did this.
You dont know whats going on in her life, she could have serious problems/ mental health issues anything, who knows.
I think your best bet is to meet up in a city/town halfway for the day, not many friendships will survive blatant criticism of a persons house.If she wont meet up anywhere then I'd just let her go. I wouldn't want to be sat in a really bad dirty house either.

 

[DigiDuino]

Wow its very mean of you to be posting photos of her house on a public forum. I'd go mad if a friend of mine did this.
You dont know whats going on in her life, she could have serious problems/ mental health issues anything, who knows.
I think your best bet is to meet up in a city/town halfway for the day, not many friendships will survive blatant criticism of a persons house.If she wont meet up anywhere then I'd just let her go. I wouldn't want to be sat in a really bad dirty house either.

I've apologised for the photos, they weren't up long at all before I managed to get them deleted (there seems to be some sort of time limit on edits? I had to report it for a mod to delete them). It was something I did stupidly the minute I woke up this morning, I really need to stay away from forums first thing

We talk about each others mental health a lot. She's very open (I'm not so good at talking about it when it's about me!), but yeah she won't meet up anywhere - something I understand of course, but it's making it painful.

100% in person subject. Bring round something nice to drink or eat and just ask her if everything is ok. You sound like a really good caring friend x

I'll do that as soon as I can, thank you! I'll have a think on how to bring it up gently

 

[Meh]

My house was particularly bad when my head was in a mess. A 'friend' knew I was struggling, but still went and gossiped about my home to others. I was so angry and hurt that I allowed someone in my home who I trusted, for them to then judge me like that.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to be a better friend. Posting on here about it is ridiculous. Dont stay there if its that bad, but I would suggest asking her in a concerned way, if shes ok and coping.

Agreed.

My mother went through this. She was waiting for an operation and couldn’t physically keep up with cleaning her home. We didn’t live at home and didn’t know how bad it had become.
A bit more focus from us, her kids, and everyone pitching in to help with cleaning until she got her surgery and was mended.

I didn’t see that pic posted here but come on-tattle isn’t for people to slate ordinary folks houses / hygiene. Pretty poor choice by OP in my view.

Edit: didn’t mean to sound so judgemental of the OP who I can see has apologised and removed the photos.
OP- maybe tackle this from a concern from her wellbeing angle instead of “your house is disgusting” which could be quite harsh. is she happy with her BF? For all you know their relationship may not be great and a cause of this. Be a friend, be there for her. Don’t judge her. Also, not everyone can/wants to be Mrs Hinch. Sometimes the cleaning brigade take it too far!!

 

[DigiDuino]

Edit: didn’t mean to sound so judgemental of the OP who I can see has apologised and removed the photos.
OP- maybe tackle this from a concern from her wellbeing angle instead of “your house is disgusting” which could be quite harsh. is she happy with her BF? For all you know their relationship may not be great and a cause of this. Be a friend, be there for her. Don’t judge her. Also, not everyone can/wants to be Mrs Hinch. Sometimes the cleaning brigade take it too far!!

Yeah the title was also stupid wasn't it - totally agreed.

They've had a fair few issues but the last time was a few months ago now, I'll check in about that too just in case. I think it may be in part because they've both been in the house together throughout the pandemic? Her work are opening up again in the next couple of weeks, maybe routine is helpful!

I seem to have missed who Mrs Hinch is somehow, wow that's a lot of threads! I'll check that out.

 

[Oohthedrama]

“My friend......”

well that’s a lie,
no friend would post a thread like this, that isn’t a friend. She might need to learn how to tidy up but you need to learn how to be an actual friend Talk to your mum, your dad, your partner, mutual friends you trust,

I hope you “friend” has better friends in her corner,
and I hope she never finds out her situation has been used as gossip fodder.

I would never take photos of someone’s home and post them on a forum thousands visit daily,
That’s a line I’d never cross.

 

[Raininvain]

I've apologised for the photos, they weren't up long at all before I managed to get them deleted (there seems to be some sort of time limit on edits? I had to report it for a mod to delete them). It was something I did stupidly the minute I woke up this morning, I really need to stay away from forums first thing

We talk about each others mental health a lot. She's very open (I'm not so good at talking about it when it's about me!), but yeah she won't meet up anywhere - something I understand of course, but it's making it painful.



I'll do that as soon as I can, thank you! I'll have a think on how to bring it up gently

O.K,Well if she wont meet up anywhere, then I'd leave her to it. I wouldnt be cleaning her house, when she lives there with her boyfriend. Obviously though everyone is different. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[DigiDuino]

“My friend......”

well that’s a lie,
no friend would post a thread like this, that isn’t a friend. She might need to learn how to tidy up but you need to learn how to be an actual friend Talk to your mum, your dad, your partner, mutual friends you trust,

I hope you “friend” has better friends in her corner,
and I hope she never finds out her situation has been used as gossip fodder.

I would never take photos of someone’s home and post them on a forum thousands visit daily,
That’s a line I’d never cross.

Yes the photos were short sighted and stupid. I realise the mistakes I made with the first post, but I can't edit it now sadly.

I have spoken to my mum about it, she didn't know what I should do either (didn't show her the photos though, just told her about my discomfort).
I wouldn't speak about it to my own other friends since they do know her but they're not friends of hers and haven't seen each other in a good 10 years. We just don't have mutual friends nowadays, which is a shame that would be helpful


I will be reaching out to her as soon as we can possibly meet again.

 

[Happyvalley]

“My friend......”

well that’s a lie,
no friend would post a thread like this, that isn’t a friend. She might need to learn how to tidy up but you need to learn how to be an actual friend Talk to your mum, your dad, your partner, mutual friends you trust,

I hope you “friend” has better friends in her corner,
and I hope she never finds out her situation has been used as gossip fodder.

I would never take photos of someone’s home and post them on a forum thousands visit daily,
That’s a line I’d never cross.

In fairness to the poster they’ve apologised a lot for the photos and realised it crossed a line, think we’ve all made mistakes in life! The photos are gone and hopefully no harm done.

 

[Milliehaha123]

Tbh I’ve got a friend that lives in an absolute tit hole - don’t think it’s actually ever been cleaned and she’s lived there for about 4 years. She was the exact same at uni - there’s no mental health issues behind it, she’s just lazy and can’t be arsed. It doesn’t bother her so it doesn’t bother me I’ve never broached the issue because I don’t live there and I value the friendship enough that when I go I just put up with it.
If it bothers you I’d just stay in a hotel and say you like your space etc but I’d be inclined just to lump it
Sounds like you have a good bond though and can chat things through, if you feel like you can do it in a way that doesn’t come across as judgemental then maybe worth a chat but tbh I think it’s a diff convo to have. Just because her house is messy doesn’t mean she’s necessary struggling! (I appreciate the link between the two though as mentioned by other users just offering another opinion) x

 

[Raininvain]

I think its very one sided if you have to go to her house all the time anyway. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable and be disgusted every time you visit. You could always just ring or message instead and if she asks you to come over say that due to Covid etc you want to do things outside only.

 

[mindlessness]

So yeah, probably not best to put the photo up, but its gone now.

Back to the point of your post - I would address it with her. It could signal that other stuff is going on (mental health wise). But it could also just be she hasn't quite got her head around 'adulting'. I would encourage her and her partner to look at resources like Flylady and unfuckyourhabitat for easy, actionable methods for housekeeping. Try to be compassionate. But also if you are close friends, I think its okay to be a bit blunt?

 

[DigiDuino]

So yeah, probably not best to put the photo up, but its gone now.

Back to the point of your post - I would address it with her. It could signal that other stuff is going on (mental health wise). But it could also just be she hasn't quite got her head around 'adulting'. I would encourage her and her partner to look at resources like Flylady and unfuckyourhabitat for easy, actionable methods for housekeeping. Try to be compassionate. But also if you are close friends, I think its okay to be a bit blunt?

those resources look helpful, thank you! I’ll check them out myself and see if they can be brought up at some point!
The whole ‘adulting’ thing is interesting and has made me think about things that have come up before so thank you for that. I’ve got a lot to consider

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Hi OP

I've been in a similar situation. I've a friend that lives abroad and she invited me to stay once. To be blunt, I hated staying there, it was filthy and i didn't feel comfortable. It's a city I used to visit a lot so the next time I went I just stayed in a hotel. I told her I didn't want to be in her way and that was fine.

There's no point having a conversation with her about the state of her house, it won't end well. And I don't necessarily agree that the state of her house is down to poor mental health. It can be but not always. Bottom line is, some people are just messy and or/ lazy and don't care about such things. Obviously it's good to keep an eye on friends to make sure they're good but the last thing you want to do is start dropping hints that something might be amiss because of her home. You don't have to live there so no point addressing it. Just stay in a hotel and be done with it

 

[Eyerolling]

In fairness to the poster they’ve apologised a lot for the photos and realised it crossed a line, think we’ve all made mistakes in life! The photos are gone and hopefully no harm done.

Sorry but id be even pissed off and hurt that a friend took the photos never mind posted them.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

People make mistakes all the time and do things in the heat of the moment. The OP clearly feels bad and has apologised profusely.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

How have you got on, OP?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I would tell her the truth. One can be truthful and it might sting but you can do it in a nice way. Start by asking how her mental health is and then move onto saying you've noticed she has let cleaning of the house go a bit. Offer to help (even if you don't want to) and say that your issues mean that you find it stressfull being in an environment that is not clean.
I didn't see the photo but there is obviously a massive difference between being dirty and untidy. So if it's just untidy ignore it, if it's dirty you need to say something.

 

[Spencerskates]

If you haven’t already spoken to your friend, I feel like there’s a few ways you could go about it.

Firstly is just to talk to her and ask how she’s been doing lately, this could be done over the phone, and ask if she’s managing to keep on top of things like housework, if she says yes, and you then find that she isn’t, there’s probably not much you can do. But if she says no, then you could offer to help - you could say it’s ‘payment’ for her hospitality. A couple of friends did this for me when I was in a really bad way mentally and it did wonders for my mental state.

Did you say that she lives with a boyfriend? What’s your relationship like with him? If it’s decent, you could maybe ask him how she’s getting on, say she didn’t seem herself last time you visited and ask if there’s anything you can do to support.

How long do you normally stay for? Could you offer to cook lunch/dinner for you both? That way you could clean the kitchen before and after - I don’t think it’s unreasonable with the corona situation to just say you want to wipe everything down before you start, then you could give it more of a going over afterwards.

 

[Isa Drennan]

How about rather than taking pictures the next time you're at your friends house you make a cup of tea for her instead or help her with the dishes?

I've done dishes for friends with depression, helped pick up their clothes into the washing basket (easily justified if you're on a night out and tidying your own mess) and took the bins out when my friend couldn't cope! It's common especially for new mums, show a bit of compassion instead of taking pictures, how would you feel if you were in her situation?

 

[Platypusfattypus]

How about rather than taking pictures the next time you're at your friends house you make a cup of tea for her instead or help her with the dishes?

I've done dishes for friends with depression, helped pick up their clothes into the washing basket (easily justified if you're on a night out and tidying your own mess) and took the bins out when my friend couldn't cope! It's common especially for new mums, show a bit of compassion instead of taking pictures, how would you feel if you were in her situation?

I think you have to be careful assuming it's down to her mental health. I have a friend whose house was minging, there was an actual path from the front door to his sofa. I once slept overnight in the sofa (was pissed as a fart and would have slept anywhere) and had to leave ASAP in the morning as I was desperate for a wee and couldn't bring myself to use his bathroom. He had no mental health issues, he was just riffy and if you mentioned the state of his house he'd tell you that you didn't have to come round. Thankfully he's married and she's tidy. But he would have been so offended if you started picking his clothes up or washing up. I imagine the person knows her friend better then any of us and will know its down to mental health or not.