Holidays with friends when you have a boyfriend

[BettyCrocker]

Actually whilst these thread is still active could I get some more advice?

so my best mate is now not talking to me, I expressed that I was disappointed as we had been talking about this trip since we were teenagers and it all seemed so positive and the the last 2 months her boyfriend said he wasn’t sure how he felt about her. Of course I want her to have children and experience all of that but I know her better than she knows herself and she wanted to start trying in a couple of years time.

Now because he’s been so distance and strange with her she said that she’s Really thought about what she wants to do with her life in the last 2 weeks and that she wants to start trying for a baby; which is great and I will support her in all that she does! She said that we would do our dream trip one day, but I know we won’t, so I just asked her to not make false promises. She then flew off the handle and said she has apologised and that she thought I would understand her decision and be supportive, but obviously she was wrong. That really hurt me as I have always been SO supportive in everything she does, it’s just that I feel she is just saying what her boyfriend wants to hear.

she then turned around and said I can’t do this right now, neither of us can and has spoken to me since. Has she done this because she can’t talk about it because it’s not really what she wants? I’m over the holiday, I was naturally upset of course! But I was more upset that she had not spoken to me about all of this because I’m single, and for some bizzare reason, some people don’t think single people are worthy of advice! I don’t want to lose my best friend over this

thanks so much and sorry it a long one!

she wants to try for a baby with a guy who “isn’t sure” he wants to be with her and who’s mother seems to do all his talking for him? She’s an idiot.

if she’s your best friend then talk to her. Have a full & Frank conversation about everything- forget the holiday, it’s never going to happen but try to talk to her about this ridiculous notion of having a child with this guy. Are they even in a position to have a child? Do they live together? Do they both work? Do they have support from family? Do they BOTH genuinely want to have a child together? She just sounds absolutely ridiculous.

 

[mermaidexoxo]

She might not even get pregnant straight away. It can take some couples years.

If I was you I would have a sit down with this friend and have a talk. Is her boyfriend controlling? Maybe she needs help. However, you need to explain to her she has no right to get upset about you taking another friend on holiday when she’s said she doesn’t want to go.

If she can’t understand that what she is doing is unfair, cut her off.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Yeah they have been together for 11 years and have a house together! I want to talk to her about it but unfortunately she just flies off the handle and doesn’t read or listen to my voice clips! What I don’t understand is he has put her through hell and all that but he hasn’t got any crap from her, it’s all me!

cut your losses. Sometimes you just grow apart from people and you have to let people go on their own path. It sucks, but if it’s just constant crap like this she’s throwing at you then what do you do? Leave her to it. You go and forge your own path, meet new people, do your own thing.

 

[Raininvain]

Personally if I were you, I'd be wary of booking a holiday away with her in case she changes her mind at the last moment. Last thing you need is to be left in the lurch and having to cancel possibly loosing money etc. I'd play it by ear but not book anything until very last minute and look at other options for yourself regarding a holiday companion.
She may be using MIL as an excuse because she's too scared to say to you she no longer wants to go. Have you thought about that? If she really wanted to go then shed be saying this strongly to you and telling MIL to back off/mind her own business wouldnt she?

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

That’s so strange, I know some couples are joined at the hip and don’t go on holiday without each other, but I don’t see anything wrong with separate holidays.

my partner goes fishing with his dad and other male relations for a week every year and I sometimes go away with my mum for a week in a Spain and then a weekend away. Neither of us is bothered and we are happy that we have separate lives too.

although, I do remember when my partner moved to a new job in 2018, I had a holiday to Spain with my mum booked for the September and a holiday with him booked for the November. It was the middle of the summer and we were talking about holidays in his mum’s back garden and we were talking about me going to Spain with my mum, when his mum turned around and quite snootily said, “well maybe you could try and fit in a holiday together before then.” To which I replied, “we have a holiday in November and we can’t go on any more because he’s changed jobs and doesn’t have any annual leave after going fishing and having our November holiday.” It just really annoyed me how it was okay for him (her son) to go fishing every year, but she was getting snotty about me going away with my mum? MIL’s can be bitches from hell.

 

[Mayday]

There's nothing wrong with going on holiday with a friend when you're dating someone. Look at how many guys go on 'lads' holidays when they're in a relationship. I don't understand what her issue is.

 

[SunshineDreamer]

Just because you are in a relationship it doesn’t mean you stop being you. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 children and yet I make sure I get away with friends at least once a year - and it works both ways. He goes away with his friends at least once a year. As long as there is trust in a relationship, you should be able to do separate things.

That being said, my mother in law is very similar. Me going away with my friends is abandoning my children but for my husband it’s to relax. Take no notice of her and go and enjoy the holiday!

 

[Blue1989]

Thank you!

things is I think he is fine with it!! It is his Mother who has now said 3 times to my friend about it! She said maybe she is right in a way cause it’s a lot of money etc and it’s not him involved

No his mother is completely wrong. It isn't 1920 ffs, women don't need to have a Male chaperone wherever they go. A relationship does not mean,you lose all of who you are. I'd tell her to just ignore her snide remarks.
If her partner says he is fine and seems to be, then take it at face value.
It sounds like there may be other issues anyways, so they may not last. I'd encourage her to keep those plans tbh. Not in a pushy way, but in a "who's to say where we will be in 2 years" type of way.

 

[TJ90]

Sounds like him and his mother need a slap.
I’m married and still have holidays with friends. My husband probably enjoys me being away as much as I enjoy being away and me the same when he’s on a lads holiday. It’s important to have that separate time.
Speak to your friend. A strong friendship is built on honesty. She could end up in a very messy relationship if it starts becoming controlling. This is the first red flag of many.

 

[BettyCrocker]

her boyfriend said that he wants a baby but also isn’t sure if he wants to be with her anymore... so she’s decided now she will bring the baby forward so it means no holidays anymore..

how old is your friend and her boyfriend? They sound like a pair of stupid kids.

 

[birdiefly246]

Sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t want to lose him so wants to have a baby (disaster but let’s not go there) but she also doesn’t want you to go on the holiday without her. So she’s saying “we’ll do it one day” (with a baby yeah not gunna happen) in the hopes that you won’t go anyway. She basically wants you to put her life on hold for her while she and her bf figure out what sounds like a shit story of a relationship. My advice is to do what you want, you can still be there as a friend if you want to but tell her that you’re going on the holiday with or without her so the ball is in her court.
also it sounds like she’s kicking off with you cause you’re not saying what she wants you to say which is “I’ll put my life on hold and not go on my dream holiday for you”

 

[Autumnleaves123]

Definitely nothing to do with his mum and 2 years is long time away in a relationship, for a long lasting friendship it’s nothing. Your friend needs to do what makes her happy and not make plans around a guy who doesn’t know how he feels without his mums opinion to help him

 

[Sweetsunrise]

Bloody hell it’s none of his mothers business if she goes on holiday! She sounds so interfering. Tell your friend not to listen to her

That would drive me mad. How dare she take such a special holiday away from you

 

[mermaidexoxo]

Update if anyone is interested!

woke up this morning from her saying that she can’t go on holiday with me anymore

Thats so disappointing, I’m sorry to hear that. I really hope it’s nothing to do with listening to her MIL. & I hope you have another friend who will go with you and bring no dramas.

Couples need their own sets of friends and don’t always need to be together- including holidays.

 

[RoseBush23]

Sweet Jesus! Please tell your friend not to listen to his mum on this topic as she is going to be incredibly biased towards her son and isn’t involved in the decision making. If the boyfriend is unsure about his feelings and has said that then your friend should do whatever the hell she likes and it sounds like the two of you could have an amazing dream holiday together. Just my tuppence worth!

In addition I’m happily married and have gone on multiple holidays with friends and left my husband behind - friends should always be a priority I think x

Thank you!! Really appreciate it!
I said what you said about his Mother being biased etc and she said the more his mother says it’s did her just lie! Said she asked some others and they did their partner would say it’s fine and then be funny with them after!

 

[Blue1989]

Yeah she seems selfish, I've learned over the years you grow out of friendships. I know it's sad but she will come crawling back, when she is left high and dry by him and has a sprog. Will you want her at that stage?I wouldn't

 

[Keikochan]

Absence makes the heart grow founder (although I guess not so much with covid)

She should tell his ma not to worry, she will bring them both back a stick of rock

***a stick of rock is a candy and is usually given as a souvenir. not sure if every country has this?

 

[RoseBush23]

She might not even get pregnant straight away. It can take some couples years.

If I was you I would have a sit down with this friend and have a talk. Is her boyfriend controlling? Maybe she needs help. However, you need to explain to her she has no right to get upset about you taking another friend on holiday when she’s said she doesn’t want to go.

If she can’t understand that what she is doing is unfair, cut her off.

I know, it’s so difficult as I feel she is only bumping up the baby so he won’t leave her, which is so not why you put a baby in the mix!

how old is your friend and her boyfriend? They sound like a pair of stupid kids.

I know

 

[RoseBush23]

Hello!

my best friend is going through a bit of a rough patch with her long term boyfriend as he turned around and said he is unsure how he feels about her but thinks it is due to Covid and not being able to do things etc. We are meant to be going on holiday next year (cancelled from this year) and the following year to Florida! It’s been our dream since we were 10 years old and we are both now in a position where we can go!

She approached his Mother as she was upset in how he was being etc where his Mother said to ask him how he felt about her going to America. He said it was fine and that he knew it’s been in the pipe like for years etc. Since this though his Mother has now said about 3 times that she shouldn’t go on holiday with anyone but him because she is in a long term relationship!! His Mother has now said this so many times she is having doubts thinking he lied when asked etc! I personally don’t think it is and his Mother is just jealous and she doesn’t have a best friend and had no body to go away with etc but I feel she’s almost now brainwashed her!? He knows I’m so laid back on holiday and just want a laugh and to spend time with my friend, I never look to pull etc so he has nothing to worry about in that sense

I could probably cope with next year not happening but not Florida!! I know her relationship is more important than a holiday, but a holiday just under 2 years away is not a reason for someones feelings to change after all these years surely? Because it’s been a plan since we are 10, now we are in our late 20’s it would cause a massive move and there isn’t a reason to cancel, it’s cause of his bloody mum!!

Any advice?? Thank you!!

 

[RoseBush23]

I have a long term BF and I have 2 very very best friends. One my age (C) and one a few years older (A). I have known one for 18 years and the other 15 years. All three of us have become very best friends as we have a big shared interest (keep horses together) these girls mean the world to me! For a few years C and I would holiday to her grandparents in France for a week (without OH, he drops us at the airport and has flown us there (Commercial pilot)). A break for us both and to be looked after by her grandparents which is so lovely of them!
A and I have done trips away (she doesn't like flying) but she has been single up until 2 years ago where she met a great guy!
Now next year is C and my 30th Birthday and we are planning a road trip and want A to come. A said her OH was unsure how he felt about he coming for 2 weeks. I went and spoke to him, told him our rough plans and basically said i have known her for so long its been a bit of a dream to holiday with my best mates, carefree and enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, food and each others company. He felt bad that he shut it down quite so soon and understands. So our planning is underway and both My OH and As OH are told of our plans and asked for opinions.

Maybe you can talk to him?

Thank you!

things is I think he is fine with it!! It is his Mother who has now said 3 times to my friend about it! She said maybe she is right in a way cause it’s a lot of money etc and it’s not him involved