VLOG SUMMARY:
A HAPPY START TO 2021 | WEEKLY VLOG #1
[Description: The First weekly vlog of the year and things are just wonderful.]
That title and description.... as if she put that in the middle of the most depressing time in the world....
Explains that she has all zoom meetings in her dining room, because her office has shit internet. (Hasn't she always complained about the shit internet in there ever since she moved?)
Yesterday was a day of planning in pajamas "nah I was in a tracksuit gimmie credit! Gimmie credit!"
She's officially back "working"
She made a schedule but now that full lock down is in effect she's made another new schedule.
She's got a new work schedule to stick to, as by the end of last year she was like "gahhhhhh" and could not be fucked with anything (WE KNOW HELGA!!!)
"to be fair I think most of last year was just urrrrghhhh"
Got all the gurns out today
Her key goals of this year are "FOCUS AND BALANCE"
She's making plans left right and center.
Interrupted by dogs barking - she yells "shut up you canines" We hear her heavily breathing into her mic from the other room as she tells the whoever's knocked on the door "grassy arse" - she's trying to speak Spanish lol
She reads the card aloud, still out in the other room so all we have is audio: "thank you so much for sharing Harry's Go Fund Me. You're Harry's famous fairy godmother and he loves you and he also asks if you could kiss his girlfriend, Diane, for him. I hope the new year is better for us all and we can see each other more and go on lovely walks, and drink in the garden"
She waddles back into the frame
"We three love you so much. Josie, Jess and Harry"
AS IF Fil has no idea why she has the card and now she has to explain to him - and she's doing THE MOST STAGED SPEECH about the do
Fil it's your line, remember act surprised and go! "WHY DOES IT COST SO MUCH" he demands to know... because they're dogs FILDODO
She claims she's shared it a few times on her IG stories - but she lies. She's shared it TWICE
Fil's line now, act sad Fil: "Aww did they even make it?"
"They've not made it yet... but they getting there. They're over half way now"
"good"
"yeah...."
This acting is so poo.
OMFG
"I'VE SAID I'D MAKE A CONTRIBUTION AS WELL... SO I WILL DO... FOR LITTLE HARRY"
HOW HAS SHE NOT EVEN MADE A FUCKING DONATION YET?!?!?! IT'S BEEN OVER 4 MONTHS!!!! ABSOLUTE HORRID FRIEND
Now she starts talking to the camera, and basically tells the story again.
"FIL!" she yells running off screen - holy shit now we hear granny squelching her lips together off camera because of that fucking 3rd chin mic "welcome home"
She tells Fil she got dressed. Fil has eyes, Helga. "I did stuff to my head, and my face"
She giggles that she has her matrix shirt on and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb both go "do do doo doo do dooooo" together off camera.
Fil complains that she's hidden all the chocolate "I HAVE HIDDEN ALL THE CHOCOLATE. THERE'S SNACKS IN THE BASKET" Fil's not allowed Jelly Belly's hidden stash.
"I found it!"
"WHAT NOT THE CHOCOLATE BASKET?!?!?!?!" Panics Helga, screaming into the chin mic. "GET.OUT.OF.THE.CHOCOLATE.BASKET" she starts to bolt towards the kitchen, but it's a false alarm - Fil didn't find her stash. Seriously it's like children argue over food. Fucking share it you brats.
"I HOPE YER NOT LYING. YOU LYING TO ME?" she's then distracted by her Gleam manager on Zoom.
Cut to lunch time and her "diet" is going back to "normal" now and she's starting to feel the effects of just eating nothing but beige food. Says she's going to miss eating chocolate.... you do know that you can diet AND eat chocolate?
After lunch she's got therapy and she hasn't done her "homework" for it, she laughs as she's doing it last minute. Way to take it seriously, Helga. She's going to reformat the homework he's given her into a spreadsheet "coz I love-a spreadsheet"
Cut to later and it's dinner time and then she plans to play animal crossing.
Then goes on a rant about Game not giving Fil Animal Crossing in time and not only did Fil contact them via social media but SHE emailed them
"NOT LIKE 'HI I'M
HELEN ANDERSON BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH" (but really like "Hi I'm Helen Anderson, I demand compensation or yer going on me vlog") and she's well shocked that she didn't get a reply either.
"People are like, take yer money then run"
Cut to the state of her room and she's throwing clothes around
Why? Well, she's stropping because she feels like the universe doesn't want her to play her game as she's remembered that she has a massive heap of laundry to do. She sets herself a timer to do it within 10 minutes, so then she gets 20 minutes to play before they have to watch Sons of Anarchy.
Cut to her finishing it all and now she's in her slob position
Cut to her complaining in her baby voice to Fil asking him when he's going to let her watch Sons on Anarchy
"Are we..when are we? When are we gonna watch Sons of Anarchy?"
"In a bit" Fil's busy on COD
"how long's in a bit?"
"I dunno. I just want to play this"
"I know you do, but I REALLY WANT TO WATCH SONS ON ANARCHY"
"I know you do"
Jump cut to Helga back on Animal Crossing.
NEXT DAY
She's doing MORE laundry... after that huge pile she did yesterday?!! Fuck me.
She's got her arse raised to the sky for her neighbours to see and now she's rolling on the floor because the dogs won't come to her.
Off out now and she says "Lockdown has officially started in the UK and we have to stay at home now... which is fine... all gravy"
She thinks it's a bit odd that Fil's still going to work though.
She hope lock down helps, and hopes it works and HOPES THAT PEOPLE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. (Yes, this bitch just said that hahahaha)
She's trying to think of things to do for her birthday as her dreams of going to Nashville and doing a road trip for her 30th are defo not happening. She keeps saying that she's having a party at home with "just us.... two... slash 4" as she pans to the dogs. But really we know she's probably thinking about how she can break lock down rules to have YET ANOTHER lock down party.
Back home now and she's retracting her statement about only using the office as she plans to work from her sofa as she films her "new years resolutions video"
"new me, new shit"
Cut to later and she's fucked off because her chin mic fucked everything up and she managed to distorted the audio for the whole video. (Womp womp)
She thought about putting it up but remembered that people complained about it before (such SHARON'S and KAREN'S, right Helga?) so she fort nahhhh this aint gud enuf.
Dinner time. She loves grabbing everything with her dirty ham fists doesn't she? She's grabbing hot fish and flinging them on the plate.
I'm surprised she's spooning out the sauce and not just scooping it out in one go with her sweaty paws.
Cut to an odd shot of Kirby Egg eating.
Cut to Fil playing Donkey Kong on the switch and Helga moving next to him, he looks so uncomfortable and starts to physically shuffle away from her as she gets in his face saying "IT'S WELL GUD DONKEY KONG INNIT!!!"
Fil has to stop playing now as Helga wants to watch Sons on Anarchy
NEXT DAY
She's out walking the dogs and says that she's sooooo glad that she did her morning run before she took the dogs out.... (why the two outings? why doesn't she jog with the dogs?)
HELGAVISION time - she set the camera up in the rain in the garden and is waddling down the garden path asking herself "what am I doing? I'm going to the office. Why am I going to the office?" Now we hear her chatting to herself from way down in the depths of the dark, dank office.
Cut to later and she's got a man coming over to fit her wardrobe..... during lock down.... oooh the wardrobe was under warranty and over the years her little ham fists have managed to break a few drawers and doors so she's demanding they come out and fix them. Usually she'd be out for her run and then back out for her walking her dogs but she'll do that "lata"
Cut to this:
And now she's back to "normal" and she's soooo boringly explaining how she has to move her wifi hub closer to her garden because her internet is sooo slow. NO ONE CARES.
Cut to later. Wifi issues fixed. What the fuck is this shot of dirty mugs? She's waddling around in the background, mumbling shit to herself with her back to the camera
"I'm thinking of purchasing a BIG iPad"
Cos she wants to "get back into" drawing. She wants to "retrain" herself in graphic design. She licks a plate as she says she wants to master ProCreate.
She has older ipads (plural) but they're too small - she wants the MASSIVE sized iPad Pro.
This is something she's been thinking about "for a while" and might do a click and collect at Argos. (Because there's tooooootally not lock down happening and it's tooooootally an essential to travel out and get it - like her IKEA trip she just can't wait for shipping)
Cut to later and she's got the iPad
"iPad pro coz I'm a PRO!" no you're not. You're a fucking idiot who can't stay at home.
"Steppin' up my game, Fil" She's going to dedicate Friday afternoons to learning and teach herself new software (LOOOL LEARNING SOMETHING NEW? TOTALLY DIDN'T READ THAT HERE, DID YA JELLY BELLY?)
She's chatting away to Fil about how she wants to be more creative, but Fil doesn't give a shit - he's been scrolling away on his phone the whole time
Apparently she used to do art and stuff ALL THE TIME
She pushes the iPad to the side as she's distracted by a drum kit on her phone
"I WANT A DRUM KIT NOOOOOOOW!!!!" she jiggles up and down in her seat like a child "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY SOOOOOON!!!!!!"
Fil mumbles something that displeases Jabba the Hutt and she throws her head back in a tantrum
and now she's sticking her fingers in her ears because she doesn't want to hear Fil's ideas for her birthday gifts.
Cut to later and she praises Fil for his IG post. She asks him if it brings him joy doing that. "yeah" he says. So obviously being pushed to do more IG stuff by Helga.
Helga praises Fil for being "soooo good at writing" (I can't stop thinking of EARA
)
Fil says "I just sorta, I just like write how like, not would speak, but like how I was thinking it would be nice to read" (I am howling. This guy right now.)
"It just, you just got a really KEWLLLLL like writing PERSONALITY" stutters Helga "Like it sounds..... it it it it.... like I dunno. I'm really proud. You sound really KEWL when you write"
NEXT DAY
It's bath time and now she's waddled into the dressing room, and is violently pulling her hair through her dyson attachments.
It's FILDOVISION TIME! They set the camera up and Fil's got the mic. He's explaining how they're on a walk and how it's a "very nice walk"
Helga is coaching him with reassurance that he's said the right thing by repeating everything he's said.
Back home now and she's clipped on the chin mic ready to make pizza. And now she's reviewing JusRol pizza dough
NEXT DAY
Fil's on the sofa playing COD.... again.....
Helga's planning their year anniversary shit by putting a playlist on tape (what's the betting it has HER song on there trololol) Connor "dropped off" the equipment to her (because she's taking this lock down super duper seriously)
Shows us a snippet of her pictures from their walk
She says that Fil's getting good at taking her picture. Fil has no choice in the matter.
Cut to later and she sets up her surprise tape for Fil, but it's not a surprise because she kept fucking up recording music so much that Fil found out what she was doing.
I only discovered GG because she did a video on it
but the majority of us were still isolating while she was on her 5th holiday. What a fucking idiot. 
. I think what infuriates us is that these vapid, self centred, materialistic women get this platform which sadly some aspire to, and are rewarded with such privileges. The awareness they could raise and discussions they could generate is wasted. I know ultimately its clothes and make up, but you don't have to go with the image of being an air head just because you are into those things! 
