VIDEO SUMMARY:
Vlogmas Day #18
4 Christmas Cocktails
[DESCRIPTION: Me and Danni try 4 Christmassy cocktails to hopefully inspire - haha.]
Starts off saying that her new hair cut makes her look like Hermione Granger. It does not.
"oh well" she shrugs.
Today she starts off her day at PT with Kat. Then makes a weird noise in her mouth by waving her tongue side to side.
"a man honked his horn at me when I was pulling in" Because she is a shit driver
"I was indicating to go right, to pull into this industrial estate. But there was obviously cars ended up coming into the opposite direction and we just couldn't go anywhere! We were sat there for a while, whilst he was waiting for me to go and he just honked at me and I'm like "do you just want me to go into all these cars, you impatient little prick"
She takes a gross loud gulp of her drink because her mic is strapped to her throat.
"bloody idiot"
She's early to boot camp but she's going in anyway "let's go train shall we"
She's got a fun day today (apart from her MOT later)
And great we have the fucking mic still strapped to her neck while she's exercising - because EVERYONE wants to hear you breathing while you struggle stepping up on a box.
"my legs really ache today I dunno why? I CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN IN MY SLEEP!!!!" She says to Kat. Fucking cringe.
She waddles over to Kat to tell her how excited she is for Christmas - she's *that* excited that it gave her the shits. There are other people working out in the gym and she's yelling over to Kat about having a poo because she's soooooo excited for Christmas day.
"Me and Fil met on the 11th January and we're celebrating our anniversary on the 11th cos that's when we met each other." I don't think you need to explain how anniversaries work Helga, we've seen enough of them on your channel
She continues working out while chatting away to Kat about how she's having an exciting week this week cos of her secret break away with Fil for his birthday - remember a treat for Fil is really a treat for Helga.
Cut to the car now, her work out farts have all been released.
Says she increased her weight (that's lifting weight not body weight) to 10kg.
Now we're off to Asda, because she needs to go shopping.... again
She sticks her camera in her face and says "essentials!"
Cut to home "bloody idiot, forgot her mask didn't she" she moans as she cuts to her violently making a cup of tea.
Cut to later on now Fil mumbles something and Helga replies "I KNOW! THAT'S WHY I HAD A FUNNY TUMMY THIS MORNING!!! SQUIGGLY EXCITED TUMMY!!!"
She then animates how her insides go "hugunnnn!" when she wakes up super excited early in the morning.
"and then I get butterflies and I need to shit"
So far this vlog is all about her shitting.
Danni's sent her a voice note, she's running late too and has to be done by 7:30pm so that's coooool by her apparently.
Helen's finished her 'work' stuff today, she had to pop out and take her car for it's mot and now the excitement starts! She gets to drink!!!!
She's already stuttering and slurring over trying to say "virtual Christmas cocktail making sesh with Danni'
Fil's going to be the guinea pig or is that the Kirby Pig?
"we're going to be making 4 different Christmas cocktails" she says while initially putting three fingers up
Cut to Helga manically laughing so fucking loud in the kitchen. Why? Because Danni has a halo on her head. Well funny mate.
Danni's excitited to make cocktails. She's scared of the Egg though - don't worry Danni Fil's a harmless little worm (trololol)
Helen's also scared of the egg and she bought loads of them
She wants to make cocktails because a) she wants to practice for Christmas day
"just to know what's good"
and b) BECAUSE IT'S FESTIVE TIME!!!!!!!! DURRR!!!! And they can't 'really' celebrate together (but they probably will/have already)
also we're trialing these for YOU so we can give you ideas. Ah yes because you were soooo good at telling us all how the Lush bath bombs smelled like with such gems as "it smells very Lush", can't wait how these "taste like a cocktail"
They're making a Christmas Cake Martini, a Christmas Margarita, a clementine Whiskey Sour and Egg Nog because neither of them have had Egg Nog before.
First off is the Christmas Cake Martini - aaaaand already failed, she forgot to get the almond syrup. Danni's fucking useless too and also doesn't have the syrup so suggest that they shove some disaronno in it because that has almond in it.
"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA INNIT!!" yells Helen, IT WILL JUST BE *EXTRA* ALCOHOLIC!!!!" Helen's favorite kind of drink
Danni fucks up again, she hasn't got cognac and doesn't even know what it is.
We can tell the level of organisation these girls have done for this amazing piece of content. Fucking none.
"OH MY GOD!!! CAN I TELL YOU SUMFINK MNHGI I NEED TO MAKE A CONFESSION!!!!" what now? Did you broke even more Covid rules Helen?
"I WENT 'AW FIL! I GOT THE CHEAPEST KOG NACK IN SAINSBURY'S!'" she wheezes out a laugh, "AND HE WAS LIKE 'IT'S KONG YAK' AND I WENT 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'"
Danni laughs, "like yer Pee Knot"
Helen's face melts into her hands
After that hilariousness, we're on to finally making the first drink. Her camera keeps going in and out of focus.
They both struggle to open the disaronno
"this feels like a lot of whiskey" says Danni,
"yeah...well.... it da... yeah.... excitin" stutters Helga, probably sampling as she's pouring it in
Danni opens a bottle and doesn't even know what she's pouring in. They're both thick as shit.
"FIL!!!!" yells Jelly Belly, "WOT IS KONG YAK????"
Danni joins in the yelling "WOT IS KONG YAK??" they keep yelling that phrase at Fil.
We can't hear Fil over the yelling but Helga says "HE FINKS IT MIGHT BE BRANDY!" does no one google shit? The phone is RIGHT THERE, or just fucking ask the Alexa you have in your kitchen. Idiot.
She's shaken it, poured and now to decorate with a cinnamon dusted cherry - she doesn't have a cherry... she only have an absolutely pathetic tiny dried cherry, so she plops that in and it sinks to the bottom.
Helen complains what a small amount of drink she managed to get out of all this.
Time to sample. Helen yells "WOOOOOAH! WOOOOOAH!!!" she cringes, and then says "it's definitely festive"
They both take sips and scrunch their faces up at it. Helen covid coughs over the drink, ready to go into the living room to give Fil a taste. Yum.
Change of plan, Fil's going to walk into the room and acts like he's a judge on a cooking show "Hello Danni" he waves, as if he wasn't talking to her moments ago. He holds the glass "Christmas Martini" he takes a slurp, which we can all delightfully hear because of Helga's neck mic
The verdict from Judge Fil? "That's... that's... alcoholic" and that's the exciting taste test conculded, he's back off to the living room
"YOU WRAPPIN MA CHRISTMAS PRESENTS???"
"Nooooooo"
"OH MY GOD HE'S WRAPPING MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!!!!" She jumps up and down screaming into the neck mic
"HEHEHEHEHE!!!!!"
"right I suppose we better drink this before we move on...." of course you do Helga.
Danni's goal is to be able to drink straight liquor without making a face..... great goal Dan.
Danni says you know when rum is fancy, it comes in a tin.
Dan tells a story about how she managed to drink Whiskey neat but ended up in a hole. Literally.
Next is a Christmas Margarita - Helen's just going to shove everything in the cocktail shaker.
Jump cuts galore, Fil makes an appearance (probably to cut the lime because he's well good at cooking innit) then he goes back to the living room - not before Helen demands an update on him wrapping ALLLL her presents.
He mumbles about putting them under the tree but he knows she'd poke them, Jelly Belly jiggles her whole body jumping up and down, yelling "I WOOOOON'T!!!!!! PUT THEM UNDER THE TREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
Fil's going to find a space under there to hide them. This satisfies the grown child.
She violently pours out the Margarita "OH MY GOOOOD!!!! ITS REALLY MILKY LOOKING!!!"
She's supposed to garnish with mint and cranberries, but guess what? She didn't bother to get them.
Helen's disappointed "DAT DONT TASTE LYKE A MARGARITA DOE" Jelly Belly and Kirby Egg decide that it tastes like a Pina Colada. Danni thinks hers is right on the money.
Two drinks downed and Helen says she's feeling a bit pissed now - because they're making 4 cocktails and drinking them within the allotted hour time frame.
Next drink - the whiskey sour.
Helen says if it wasn't for Danni she wouldn't have bitters in her life. Danni then tells the audience that Angostura Bitters is a great cure for constipation, the shits, if you feel sick, if you got a headache. "it's always a Bitta's n 'ot wata"
Helen asks why that is, Danni says it's because her family are Trinidadian and it was made there.
Cut back to Helga making the weirdest face
Danni interviews Helga, by asking what song she sings to herself when she shakes. DON'T DO IT DANNI. FFS. She's going to sing isn't she.
Danni sings "shake shake shake, shake shake shake"
Helen sings out of tune "shake it oft, shake it oft"
Drink is made. We hear her gross gulp. Ughhhh.
But Helga likes that. Fil's back and he's into that. "It's well good.... citrus.... whiskey... it's good"
Helen's drunk, she's slurring that she's going to share the recipe with Fil. Fil wants to get back to his game, not before Helga gets the worlds most awkward kiss. It's like he's giving his Nan a peck on the lips.
Last one is Egg Nog. The camera is sozzled, it's out of focus and just wants to go to bed.
And yet another fucking fail Helga doesn't have the brandy for the recipe. Danni doesn't have it either. Helga puts her face in a cupboard and raises her arse to the sky while yelling to Fil if they have brandy. Fil tells her to use "kong yak"
Skip to them sipping it and thinking it's nice. Fil asks her whats in it and then laughs at her "KOG NAK" boo boo, he's so amused he has to do a little replay of what happened over and over
"SHAAAT UP FILLLLL!" slurs Helga.
Danni has to rush off now, she's got a works Christmas Do and it's great because she's now pissed as a fart for it.
Helen's now going to have fondue
The end
And Norfolk posters, remember...... if you see Helen, call the police. Or chase her back into her house with a broom or something.
