Heartbreak.

[Imonlyme]

We arent in contact at the moment, i turned up to his house, albeit waited in the car and he just went crazy at me and blocked me, i said to myself i wont talk to him now until his stance changes & he will i assume contact me. Its been 17 days, he unblocked me after 1 week.. i have no doubt he loves me. But it hurts when the relationship was perfect apart from this.

If he can just block you like that and go crazy at you the way he did, was it really that perfect?

Often we think things are good in our relationships and it isn't until we are out of it that we see that the cracks were there all along. We just didn't see them.

My ex used to walk out every few months, it felt out of the blue for me because there would be no row, no moods, nothing. In fact, the day before he would be overly affectionate with me then just boom, he was gone. It hurt like a witch and would have me spinning wondering what the hell happened. But now, years later and now I'm completely detached from it I can see that things weren't okay before he would leave.

The signs were there all along I was just too busy living to notice them. Whenever he walked out I wouldn't hear from him for about a week, maybe 2. I would be blocked on everything. Then in true form, it became a pattern that he would contact me. One day I would notice I wasn't blocked on WhatsApp anymore, but there would be no message. Then a few days later he would message. Once he even asked if I would drop his stuff off at his brother's house, I did, mostly because I wanted it gone from my house. I drove for miles, handed his stuff over and he went crazy at me. I was so upset and ended up in a full blown panic attack and nothing is worth that.

My advice to you is to completely cut off contact for your own sanity and emotions. Don't go to his house, don't be eager to see him or take his calls if he contacts you, no matter how much you want to. If he wants you, he will make it clear and do the chasing. I know your situation is difficult because of his faith, but at the end of the day, do you want to be second to something he's doing out of fear and to please others?

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I think it being Mother's Day today is making it harder for me. Usually we'd be with his mum. I'm more aware of how alone I am, I miss my parents terribly. I've been keeping busy with DIY for a few hours but nothing really distracts me for more than a few minutes. The weather is awful so I can't even get out for a walk but I'm going to try and make sure that this is the last weekend I spend alone like this indoors, I know it's not good for me.

I want to say thank you again for all the messages of support so far. I can't tell you how much it means that people are trying to help in some way.

 

[Platformcrocs]

A few things I learned after my last breakup:

If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
If they wanted to get in touch or work on the relationship, they would. See the previous point!
If you do get back together, they will do this again. The trust is gone.
No amount of tears or pleading will bring them back. Believe me, I tried. I'm angry at myself for doing that and wish I cut him out and moved on. I know that's easier said than done.

You can have a fulfilling life without them. There's a lot of things from my "old" life I don't have anymore, but that's ok because my life is different now. I really had to put the work into myself and figure out who I was, what I liked, adjust to living alone, therapy, etc, whereas he just fell into a new relationship - I actually feel bad for him because I know he doesn't really have any friendships and he thinks he can throw money at stuff instead. I had to get used to being alone and had no other choice. You're all a lot stronger than you think you are, even if it doesn't feel like it right now

 

[LateG0ssiper]

No contact is hard but sometimes it’s the only way. I don’t look at his social media because I don’t want to see him moving on without me. I’ve kind of impressed myself by how I haven’t looked even once...someone give me a medal

He replied and said maybe we can talk tomorrow. I just said ok. That should be an interesting conversation

Any update? No pressure if you don't want to discuss.

 

[gigi_93]

Any update? No pressure if you don't want to discuss.

We’ve exchanged a few texts with just memes and stuff. It’s really weird. One because I’m not used to using iMessage with him and two because he’s not really talking about anything and taking ages to reply. Why say we can talk and then not talk? it’s just giving me anxiety

 

[Millyve]

Reading this thread has been very sad!

I was on and off with someone for 4 years, picked me up then dropped me when he felt like it, I tried to move on many times and he'd come running back, I lost a ton of weight, guess what he was interested! I was stupid enough to think it would ever work, anyway a year later this idiot decided he wanted to pack up and go and work abroad! Didn't discuss with me but other friends of ours! I was distraught we split up but just before he left we decided to get back together and make it work... I was naive enough to believe this would happen... as soon as he was in a different country he barely contacted me, I was a mess and couldn't handle it but stupidly allowed it to go on for months until he returned briefly, with this we had a conversation and I decided enough was enough, after years of being treated like this something finally clicked inside I could do so much better!

Now don't get me wrong, I went on a mad year did somethings I shouldn't have, he even messaged my friend one evening (whilst we were both on a night out, had seen our selfie together) asking how I was and that he'd heard id gone a bit wild but I 100% knew I had done the best thing for my own mental health and then about 18 months from when we split I had an email from him (I'd changed my number and came off social media) asking if I'd like to chat, I simply replied "not particularly" and since then I haven't heard at thing directly but that's only as he has no way of communication, occasionally I will have a friend say he's asked after me and as harsh as this sounds I said I wouldn't care if he was hit by a bus tomorrow.

I now look back and think what a looser this guy is and would have never been able to have a happy life with him, he was in debt upto his eyeballs, the sex was tit and he was defiantly ugly (what was I thinking) let alone ever think about buying a property with him or having children! I deff had a lucky escape.

I did feel like how many of you have and kept going back to what I knew had massive lows and felt very depressed. I went to a doctor and was prescribed antidepressants when he first left to work abroad and went to a therapy and these both helped me massively, I learnt what helped me (going to the gym) and like I said I put myself first and had a good time.

Its taken me 4 years to properly get back out there, I've had flings and brief relationships, but I always had my barriers up so never get hurt again like this looser did to me!

You will get there in the end, it may take time but put yourself first and do what's right for you.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I just recently got dumped by my partner who I’ve been with for 4 years. Somebody on another thread gave me the idea of starting this one to vent and let it all out, and also invite anyone else to do the same if they’re going through a breakup, or just to share stories of older breakups and heartbreak.

My story: long distance relationship, him in Florida and me here in the UK. I’ve been flying over regularly for the past 4 years, I’m close with his family and practically a step mum to his 3 children. Love of my life etc...then the pandemic hit and borders closed. I haven’t been allowed into the US since March 2020, last time I saw him was just before that. I fully believe partner exemptions should have been allowed with testing and quarantine and I wouldn’t be in this mess but that’s another rant.

We held on and held on with FaceTime etc, then we decided I’d go via a third country (Mexico) and he would pay, but my flight was cancelled, and when I went to rebook it he completely unexpectedly told me not to bother and that he was done with our relationship. It hit me like a freight train, there’d been no signs this was coming at all. In fact he told me he loved me and missed me just hours before. I tried to reason with him and then he decided to block me on everything which was another huge blow. I feel like my world has ended, I haven’t eaten or slept since. My life was there with him and he’s taken it away and I don’t know what to do.

Sorry that was so long. Please feel free to share your stories and any advice for this absolute hell I feel right now

Ok so, to give you some perspective....

youve been involved with this guy for 4 years, but it’s always been long distance? ——— ok, I know you won’t want to hear this but.... this isn’t a real relationship. You live thousands of miles away, in different time zones, with completely separate lives. It doesn’t matter how many phone calls or FaceTimes or text messages happen, it’s not a real relationship because you are both living completely different separate lives.

you say that you’ve travelled over to Florida frequently to visit him - but has he put in the same level of effort to come to the UK to spend time with you??? I’m assuming no?

The comment about “practically being a step mum to his kids” - what? You live thousands of miles away, how on Earth is this even remotely true??

I’m really sorry to say this but I’d say he’s been playing you along for years. The fact that he literally just cut you off like that speaks volumes. It wasn’t a real relationship, it never was and it was never going to be.

honestly, the best thing you can do now is just completely cease all contact with him. It’s over, whatever it was. You deserve more than some half arsed cross Atlantic pen pal.

 

[gigi_93]

Ok so, to give you some perspective....

youve been involved with this guy for 4 years, but it’s always been long distance? ——— ok, I know you won’t want to hear this but.... this isn’t a real relationship. You live thousands of miles away, in different time zones, with completely separate lives. It doesn’t matter how many phone calls or FaceTimes or text messages happen, it’s not a real relationship because you are both living completely different separate lives.

you say that you’ve travelled over to Florida frequently to visit him - but has he put in the same level of effort to come to the UK to spend time with you??? I’m assuming no?

The comment about “practically being a step mum to his kids” - what? You live thousands of miles away, how on Earth is this even remotely true??

I’m really sorry to say this but I’d say he’s been playing you along for years. The fact that he literally just cut you off like that speaks volumes. It wasn’t a real relationship, it never was and it was never going to be.

honestly, the best thing you can do now is just completely cease all contact with him. It’s over, whatever it was. You deserve more than some half arsed cross Atlantic pen pal.

Thank you for your response but long distance relationships are as real as any other. You lost me after claiming otherwise.

Reading this thread has been very sad!

I was on and off with someone for 4 years, picked me up then dropped me when he felt like it, I tried to move on many times and he'd come running back, I lost a ton of weight, guess what he was interested! I was stupid enough to think it would ever work, anyway a year later this idiot decided he wanted to pack up and go and work abroad! Didn't discuss with me but other friends of ours! I was distraught we split up but just before he left we decided to get back together and make it work... I was naive enough to believe this would happen... as soon as he was in a different country he barely contacted me, I was a mess and couldn't handle it but stupidly allowed it to go on for months until he returned briefly, with this we had a conversation and I decided enough was enough, after years of being treated like this something finally clicked inside I could do so much better!

Now don't get me wrong, I went on a mad year did somethings I shouldn't have, he even messaged my friend one evening (whilst we were both on a night out, had seen our selfie together) asking how I was and that he'd heard id gone a bit wild but I 100% knew I had done the best thing for my own mental health and then about 18 months from when we split I had an email from him (I'd changed my number and came off social media) asking if I'd like to chat, I simply replied "not particularly" and since then I haven't heard at thing directly but that's only as he has no way of communication, occasionally I will have a friend say he's asked after me and as harsh as this sounds I said I wouldn't care if he was hit by a bus tomorrow.

I now look back and think what a looser this guy is and would have never been able to have a happy life with him, he was in debt upto his eyeballs, the sex was tit and he was defiantly ugly (what was I thinking) let alone ever think about buying a property with him or having children! I deff had a lucky escape.

I did feel like how many of you have and kept going back to what I knew had massive lows and felt very depressed. I went to a doctor and was prescribed antidepressants when he first left to work abroad and went to a therapy and these both helped me massively, I learnt what helped me (going to the gym) and like I said I put myself first and had a good time.

Its taken me 4 years to properly get back out there, I've had flings and brief relationships, but I always had my barriers up so never get hurt again like this looser did to me!

You will get there in the end, it may take time but put yourself first and do what's right for you.

“Not particularly” is a great response I’m glad you’ve got your life together and realised he wasn’t tit! Thanks for sharing

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you for your response but long distance relationships are as real as any other. You lost me after claiming otherwise.

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

 

[gigi_93]

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

Yes, he came here once. Its difficult because he has joint custody of his kids and works long hours and for the last 2 years has been in job training. So rather than him come here for a week which seems pointless for an 8 hour flight, I’d go there for up to 3 months at a time. Step parent because I spent a lot of time with them, looking after them when needed while he worked, going to their school events, helping them with their homework. I’m very close with his daughter particularly.

Long distance relationships are very real. Possibly even more real because a lot of effort goes into them. I don’t want to get into an argument and I don’t need to justify my very real relationship so I’m leaving it there.

 

[Millyve]

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

I don't usually get involved but its a bit unfair to tell someone that they weren't in a real relationship, everyones relationship is different, some work some don't, we don't know the ins and outs of the relationship and what was preventing them from being with one another, from reading previous posts it sounds like if it wasn't for COVID things would have moved from being a long distant relationship.

@gigi_93 Please don't take someone else's comments saying you weren't in a real relationship to heart, I know its the last thing you want to hear right now

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Yes, he came here once. Its difficult because he has joint custody of his kids and works long hours and for the last 2 years has been in job training. So rather than him come here for a week which seems pointless for an 8 hour flight, I’d go there for up to 3 months at a time. Step parent because I spent a lot of time with them, looking after them when needed while he worked, going to their school events, helping them with their homework. I’m very close with his daughter particularly.

Long distance relationships are very real. Possibly even more real because a lot of effort goes into them. I don’t want to get into an argument and I don’t need to justify my very real relationship so I’m leaving it there.

In 4 years he came to the UK on 1 occasion.

Seriously.

come on!!!!! You know exactly what I’m getting at here.

as I said, I’m not trying to belittle the way you feel. I’ve been there. I get it. Trust me.

but I think you need to accept that whatever you had with him, it was never a “real” relationship. That’s no fault of your own or him; it’s just impossible to have a proper full time honest to God real relationship when you hardly see each other and are leading separate lives. He’s got a life in Florida. A job, training, children etc. That’s his life, that is and was always his life. If you were going to make a real go of it - you would be living in Florida with him now as his partner.

I say this with the upmost respect - let it go. He cares for you so little that he’s dropped you like a bad habit with no hesitation nor explanation. If anything, that tells you exactly how he thinks of you and the “relationship”

you deserve better. Don’t settle for this tit.

 

[gigi_93]

I don't usually get involved but its a bit unfair to tell someone that they weren't in a real relationship, everyones relationship is different, some work some don't, we don't know the ins and outs of the relationship and what was preventing them from being with one another, from reading previous posts it sounds like if it wasn't for COVID things would have moved from being a long distant relationship.

@gigi_93 Please don't take someone else's comments saying you weren't in a real relationship to heart, I know its the last thing you want to hear right now

Thank you, it’s ok, I know how real my relationship was. Luckily I think my tear ducts dried up a while ago anyway

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I don't usually get involved but its a bit unfair to tell someone that they weren't in a real relationship, everyones relationship is different, some work some don't, we don't know the ins and outs of the relationship and what was preventing them from being with one another, from reading previous posts it sounds like if it wasn't for COVID things would have moved from being a long distant relationship.

@gigi_93 Please don't take someone else's comments saying you weren't in a real relationship to heart, I know its the last thing you want to hear right now

They were involved for 4 YEARS and he came to see her in the UK on 1 occasion. Once. In 4 years. If they were really serious, one of them would have moved to be with the other. They would have set up a life TOGETHER in the same place.

COVID is just a very convenient excuse here. If he genuinely loved her & genuinely wanted to be with her, build a life with her - he would have done.

I can tell you this for nothing. When it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. You would move mountains to be with the one you love. It’s as simple as that. And the fact that he’s ditched her in that way, with no hesitation, well, the guy is an hole.

Im on her side, this isn’t a dig at her at all, but sometimes you’ve got to just wake up and see what’s actually happening - not what you wish was happening.

 

[Eyerollbrainache]

They were involved for 4 YEARS and he came to see her in the UK on 1 occasion. Once. In 4 years. If they were really serious, one of them would have moved to be with the other. They would have set up a life TOGETHER in the same place.

COVID is just a very convenient excuse here. If he genuinely loved her & genuinely wanted to be with her, build a life with her - he would have done.

I can tell you this for nothing. When it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. You would move mountains to be with the one you love. It’s as simple as that. And the fact that he’s ditched her in that way, with no hesitation, well, the guy is an hole.

Im on her side, this isn’t a dig at her at all, but sometimes you’ve got to just wake up and see what’s actually happening - not what you wish was happening.

I'm not really sure why you've commented? It's incredibly rude and you can say 'this isn't a dig' all you want but it clearly is. Your message is insensitive at so many points. You haven't said anything positive, helpful or constructive.

GiGi - don't pay any attention to those comments. Your feelings, heartbreak and relationship is valid.

 

[rebremm99]

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

That’s extremely harsh and not fair. Long distance relationships are just as real and valid as any kind of relationship. Just because you don’t deem them so doesn’t make it true.

 

[Imonlyme]

That’s extremely harsh and not fair. Long distance relationships are just as real and valid as any kind of relationship. Just because you don’t deem them so doesn’t make it true.

Exactly. I had friends who once said a relationship I was in wasn't real because we didn't live together, share finances or have children with each other. It's very condescending not to mention rude.

It's amazing how many women think for it to be real you have to have a ring on your finger. Or you have to completely uproot your life to become a "we" If this couple chose to do long distance, then that's up to them. They did what worked for them and every couple is different. What works for one, may not work for another and that's fine. Doesn't make it any less real.

Just to add to this; every relationship is different and unique in it's own way. There isn't a one size fits all for it. As long as the love, trust and respect is there, then every couple has the right to decide their own terms and design their relationship how they see fit. No one has the right to then say it's not real just because theirs is different to how you would do it.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

We’ve exchanged a few texts with just memes and stuff. It’s really weird. One because I’m not used to using iMessage with him and two because he’s not really talking about anything and taking ages to reply. Why say we can talk and then not talk? it’s just giving me anxiety

That's frustrating. If I were you I'd either insist on a proper conversation or not communicate at all. What he's done is so wrong and you're owed an apology at the very least. Hope you're doing OK x

 

[Tublet83]

That's frustrating. If I were you I'd either insist on a proper conversation or not communicate at all. What he's done is so wrong and you're owed an apology at the very least. Hope you're doing OK x

I agree, just catching up. This isn’t won’t be doing you any good at all, and you need to look after yourself and your needs.

I completely get how it’s hard to close the door, the way he is treating you is appalling and you need to look after yourself x

 

[Platformcrocs]

Exactly. I had friends who once said a relationship I was in wasn't real because we didn't live together, share finances or have children with each other. It's very condescending not to mention rude.

It's amazing how many women think for it to be real you have to have a ring on your finger. Or you have to completely uproot your life to become a "we" If this couple chose to do long distance, then that's up to them. They did what worked for them and every couple is different. What works for one, may not work for another and that's fine. Doesn't make it any less real.

Just to add to this; every relationship is different and unique in it's own way. There isn't a one size fits all for it. As long as the love, trust and respect is there, then every couple has the right to decide their own terms and design their relationship how they see fit. No one has the right to then say it's not real just because theirs is different to how you would do it.

This is very well put. I've been with my partner for over 3 years and we don't live together/share finances/have kids. I'm too familiar with people side-eyeing and assuming something is wrong because we don't live together - but we own our own homes so it's not as easy as just moving in. Like you say, every relationship is unique and what works for you might not work for someone else.