Heartbreak.

[ClockworkDolly]

Every serious relationship I have had, I have always had a memory box for each one. All the little bits and pieces go in there, theatre tickets, cinema tickets, shells, stones he gave me, trinkets of all sorts, notes left on the fridge...all of those sentimental things which I cherished at the time.

I recently moved house and of course all of the memory boxes came with me. Some were a pleasure to dip into and see what I kept, others had sour memories, but I still kept them all the same.

But the beauty is now is that I’m over the other side of each of them. They are just memories now, they cannot hurt me anymore, but I can look back with fondness of some of them, angst and regret at others too.

When I’ve popped my clogs, my relatives can sift through them and either have a good laugh, or blush!

Just wanted to say to all of you going through break-ups, those feelings won’t last forever, even though at the moment you’re tearing yourselves apart with looking at what he’s doing, asking yourselves why, etc.

You can do it though, it might take a year, or longer, but you will come out the other side and you’ll be all the stronger for it.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

It is possible that he's struggling with his own issues through lockdown, but honestly, that still doesn't excuse him just leaving without even having the decency to talk to you face to face.

Even if he has his issues it's important that you deal with yourself before trying to help him. Take it from someone who knows and has been there, don't ever lose yourself trying to hold onto someone that thinks nothing of just up and leaving you.

Who knows, the time apart might do you both the world of good. I know that right now the last thing you want to think about or hear, is your life without him. But, as you say your outgoings may well double soon, so you have to think about yourself and what you need before him and his needs.

I was forever making excuses for why my ex would just walk out on me. I knew he had his own issues and would constantly make allowances for that. But at the end of the day, no matter a person's issues, they can still have common decency and respect for their partner and not leave without a word. You don't need for his issues to become yours.

I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but all I can know is that you should be what matters most to yourself. Don't put his needs ahead of your own.

Sorry if I was unclear - he did talk to me face to face but it was quite brief. He'd written it down while I was out and read it to me so he could get everything out. It didn't quite make sense and I don't want to explain it all anyway. I know that I have to look after myself but I was worried sick about him as I've never seen him like that before.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Anyone who can just stop contact and block you doesn’t deserve one word. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I’ve been reading a book on a night to get me off my phone (to stop the urge to stalk...) and the bloody main character has the same name as my ex

I used to stalk so much, then one day I think I just didn’t feel the urge to, but I always ended up doing it again. You know you might see something that’ll hurt but you still do it. Just remember whatever you see isn’t always a true representation of what’s really going on. I think when you see a picture or something it kills but it’s a bit like closure.

my ex is banging on about going on holiday with his new friend this Year etc, I only see it because of a mutual friends status. Part of me feels he says it knowing il see it, and wants a reaction or whatever but I won’t give him the satisfaction, he says stuff constantly I think more so for my benefit and I feel sorry for Her but she will soon see his true colours. Part of me wonders why I ever let someone hurt me so much, affect my life so much and what I ever saw in him.

 

[under the ivy]

Every serious relationship I have had, I have always had a memory box for each one. All the little bits and pieces go in there, theatre tickets, cinema tickets, shells, stones he gave me, trinkets of all sorts, notes left on the fridge...all of those sentimental things which I cherished at the time

Omg same! I keep tickets, boarding passes, festival wristbands, beer mats I need to sort through mine because the shoebox I keep them in is breaking. I haven’t felt strong enough to look at it but like you say, it’s like a little story of my life whether the memories are good or bad.

 

[gigi_93]

I’ve been reading a book on a night to get me off my phone (to stop the urge to stalk...) and the bloody main character has the same name as my ex

This drives me crazy, I’ve had the same thing. Even his obscure hometown was mentioned on something I was watching the other day! And his name which isn’t common has been popping up everywhere

Still not able to contact you, if you send one to me I can let you know my process, what I've been prescribed so far, what has helped me (or not!) etc.

I can’t send one to you either, no idea why!

 

[Lovethesun]

Same , my ex had a silver bmw & never have I ever seen so many anywhere !! Everytime I see one my heart skips a beat . I’m bound to drive past him one day cos he doesn’t live very far !!

 

[Babyyoda88]

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s really cruel just blocking you and giving you no chance to get answers to your questions.

5 years ago my then husband (together for 10 years, married for only 8 months) turned round out of the blue at Christmas and told me he didn’t love me anymore, didn’t want to work on it, didn’t want children, said if we did work on it he’d only get angry at me and turn violent. Basically said everything bad to put me off reasoning with him, he just wanted me gone. It was life shattering at the time. Then we turned really weird and said he couldn’t wait till we both had new partners and we could double date. That disgusted me at the time. He still wanted to be friends, so he wanted to have his cake and eat it as I was always listening to his problems and he didn’t want to lose that.

Anyway I cut him off and didn’t talk to him again. 4 months later he got back in touch pleading with me to get back with him. Saying he made a mistake, he wanted me back, we could have children blah blah blah. He sent me flowers (which he never did when we were together) and gifts and I just threw them all away, I think I donated some to my mums church fair.

there was no way I could ever trust him again. I’d always be thinking and worrying if he was going to bin me off again, plus my family would never trust him again either.

so I told him where to go and I’m so glad I did. He didn’t deserve me, he never valued me, he was never proud to be with me and I’m in the most loving relationship now with a baby on the way.

As crappy as things feel at the time, sometimes they happen for a reason even though at the time it doesn’t feel that way. That was my situation anyway.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Does anyone know why we don't seem to be able to send private messages?

 

[Imonlyme]

Sorry if I was unclear - he did talk to me face to face but it was quite brief. He'd written it down while I was out and read it to me so he could get everything out. It didn't quite make sense and I don't want to explain it all anyway. I know that I have to look after myself but I was worried sick about him as I've never seen him like that before.

Have you spoken to him since he left?

I used to stalk so much, then one day I think I just didn’t feel the urge to, but I always ended up doing it again. You know you might see something that’ll hurt but you still do it. Just remember whatever you see isn’t always a true representation of what’s really going on. I think when you see a picture or something it kills but it’s a bit like closure.

my ex is banging on about going on holiday with his new friend this Year etc, I only see it because of a mutual friends status. Part of me feels he says it knowing il see it, and wants a reaction or whatever but I won’t give him the satisfaction, he says stuff constantly I think more so for my benefit and I feel sorry for Her but she will soon see his true colours. Part of me wonders why I ever let someone hurt me so much, affect my life so much and what I ever saw in him.

Think we all eventually get to that point, don't we? Where you look back and think, God, what did I ever see in you? Why did I waste so much time trying to make it work?

At the end of the day, each heartbreak is another lesson learned.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Have you spoken to him since he left?


Think we all eventually get to that point, don't we? Where you look back and think, God, what did I ever see in you? Why did I waste so much time trying to make it work?

At the end of the day, each heartbreak is another lesson learned.

Yes but he doesn't want to be in contact unless we need to. I called him the next day in a bit of a state when I couldn't get anywhere with the doctors. I feel quite embarrassed about it now. We agreed not to speak unless necessary while he starts therapy but he was still adamant that it's over. Sorry if I'm not explaining things well and just giving little bits of information, I'm just not thinking straight.

 

[Imonlyme]

Yes but he doesn't want to be in contact unless we need to. I called him the next day in a bit of a state when I couldn't get anywhere with the doctors. I feel quite embarrassed about it now. We agreed not to speak unless necessary whole he starts therapy but he was still adamant that it's over. Sorry if I'm not explaining things well and just giving little bits of information, I'm just not thinking straight.

I understand completely how you're feeling. Sorry to say this but him saying he wants no contact unless you absolutely have to is quite cruel, but also very clear.

Don't be embarrassed about anything. Break ups are hard, especially when they come out of the blue. It's completely normal for you to reach out to him when you're upset because that's probably what you're used to doing.

He's very obviously only thinking of himself so you should too. He's getting therapy for his issues which is good, and that means his issues don't need to be all on you.

Trust me, things will get better for you and one day you will feel better, the pain will ease and you won't be upset anymore. I thought I would never get through that gut wrenching feeling after my ex walked out. But I did. It took time and I had to be patient with myself and work on making myself feel better. But I did get through it and I know you can too.

Men can be weird, difficult creatures, and sadly, when things get tough, often their go to is to run. It sucks for us that are on the other end of their poor decisions, but that's why all you can do now is look after yourself.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I understand completely how you're feeling. Sorry to say this but him saying he wants no contact unless you absolutely have to is quite cruel, but also very clear.

Don't be embarrassed about anything. Break ups are hard, especially when they come out of the blue. It's completely normal for you to reach out to him when you're upset because that's probably what you're used to doing.

He's very obviously only thinking of himself so you should too. He's getting therapy for his issues which is good, and that means his issues don't need to be all on you.

Trust me, things will get better for you and one day you will feel better, the pain will ease and you won't be upset anymore. I thought I would never get through that gut wrenching feeling after my ex walked out. But I did. It took time and I had to be patient with myself and work on making myself feel better. But I did get through it and I know you can too.

Men can be weird, difficult creatures, and sadly, when things get tough, often their go to is to run. It sucks for us that are on the other end of their poor decisions, but that's why all you can do now is look after yourself.

I just don't think I can do it. Today was my first full day at work and I kept breaking down and now I'm home alone I feel even worse. I can't stop crying. I just want him to be here. I feel so pathetic for saying that. I don't know what to do.

 

[Imonlyme]

I just don't think I can do it. Today was my first full day at work and I kept breaking down and now I'm home alone I feel even worse. I can't stop crying. I just want him to be here. I feel so pathetic for saying that. I don't know what to do.

You're not pathetic at all. You're hurting. Like someone said, a break up almost feels like a bereavement. You've suddenly lost a person you were close to, so it's natural that you'll feel a little lost right now.

Let yourself cry for now. Give yourself time today to cry it out and then tell yourself that's it. After that, allow yourself only 10 minutes a day to cry over him if you need to. But then spend the rest of the time doing things for you. In time you will realise that you no longer need that 10 minutes to cry.

Eventually your tears will turn from ones of sadness, to ones of anger. Anger at how he could hurt you the way he has, and that's completely normal. It's all part of a process. The process of getting over him.

Sometimes, while going through heartbreak you have to be tough with yourself while also giving yourself a break if that makes sense. Understand that you're going to feel a bit tit for a while, but also make a point of forcing yourself to do the things that matter to you. It's what you need to be able to get through this. But you will get through this, I promise you will. Right now, self care is the utmost best thing you can do for yourself.

I'm sending you so much love right now.

 

[gigi_93]

I just don't think I can do it. Today was my first full day at work and I kept breaking down and now I'm home alone I feel even worse. I can't stop crying. I just want him to be here. I feel so pathetic for saying that. I don't know what to do.

You are not pathetic. I know how you feel, I just want him to be here too. I feel like my insides have been dragged out of me. It’s tempting to keep apologising for how you feel, I keep doing the same, but duck it. Say exactly how you feel.

I broke the rules and spent time with my friend tonight and it was nice. Back home now and back in non stop tears and despair. If you can see a friend, do it

 

[TeaAndYoutube]

I went through a breakup years ago and still remember that pain. I went to work, came home, and then spent the rest of the night watching every terrible B movie on Netflix to distract myself (helpful to avoid any romantic comedies for a while). Or I'd pick a random international movie and not turn on English subtitles. I'd have my living room filled with French, German, Hindi, Korean, etc languages and distract myself by trying to guess what was going on by everyone's body language.

Hugs to you all. I know it's tough but try to focus on yourself when you're ready and able to. It will take time but I promise you will get through it

 

[gigi_93]

I went through a breakup years ago and still remember that pain. I went to work, came home, and then spent the rest of the night watching every terrible B movie on Netflix to distract myself (helpful to avoid any romantic comedies for a while). Or I'd pick a random international movie and not turn on English subtitles. I'd have my living room filled with French, German, Hindi, Korean, etc languages and distract myself by trying to guess what was going on by everyone's body language.

Hugs to you all. I know it's tough but try to focus on yourself when you're ready and able to. It will take time but I promise you will get through it

Thank you. I’ve watched so much Netflix I swear I’ve nearly completed it. I find I keep having to rewind things because my mind wanders to him and I end up losing 20 minutes of whatever I’m watching

 

[Eyerollbrainache]

So, a long story short - in the first lockdown I was left heartbroken too. We had a messy relationship in hindsight. He wasn't long out of another one when we starting hooking up, and we'd known each other for a few years before. We had the most passionate relationship I've ever had. I fell pregnant and had an abortion in February as it wasn't an option for us to have a baby. Then a few week later, he just text me it was over. I was devastated. I was living alone and it was the first few weeks of lockdown. We'd had lockdown dates on zoom etc talked every day, so this came as a huge blow. We'd been seeing each other a year at this point, he talked about marriage etc, met families. I have never felt pain like that heartbreak. I cried to the point of pain, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. When I did (still now) he haunts my dreams. I re read messages, listened to voice notes ect. I had the worst anxiety over it, it was hell. Then 6 weeks later, when the pain was starting to be less fresh, he gets in contact. Ultimately we gave it another go but it wasn't the same. I didn't trust him. He destroyed me by dumping me through text after a year and then ghosting me. Eventually it happened again about 3 months later..... Then again...... And stupidly, I took him back a third time. In late last year he ended it again. Everytime as cold as the previous. Except, this time it didn't cut as deep, or hurt as bad. I have spent most of the past year alone in lockdown dealing with heartbreak and its been tit. I just wanted to see my friends or get drunk with them like you're supposed to after a break up!

However, nearly a year after the first time he broke me - it is easier. I still can't sleep and I'm lucky if I get more than 4 hours. I still think about him a lot and he still occupies my brain unfortunately. But I'm not in that state of panic and anxiety anymore, and I do truly think if lockdown was over and we could do anything except sit at home - it would stop.

I have absolutely no advice except the self care stuff and keep busy. I really hope you get through this stage quickly and move on to the next stage. The initial greif is a horrible and painful stage, but it does stop. Sending love to you all. X

 

[Letsgooutside]

I saw your posts catching up with THM threads. I was with my childhood sweetheart for 11 years and we were engaged. We were about to book our wedding and he suddenly got cold feet, started acting weird, and was acting out of character. Whenever I spoke to him about it he gaslit me. Eventually he admitted he was struggling mentally and needed a break. I asked repeatedly if there was someone else and he assured me there wasn’t. He even told me he was insulted and hurt that I would think such a thing.


Anyway he moved into his mums spare room and asked me not to contact him for a few weeks. It was torture. I hadn’t gone digging I’d never have found out he was shagging an 18 year old from work. He wanted a break with me to see if things worked out with her. Keeping his options open!!

The loss of the relationship and the betrayal absolutely floored me. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I had suicidal thoughts. What’s worse is he couldn’t bring himself to explain or apologise properly. He refused to engage with me. He just said it was over and blocked me on everything.

Someone said before it’s compatible to someone dying and that is true. I grieved for that relationship and what made it worse was the lack of closure.
It sounds like there could be stuff your ex isn’t telling you and of course it’s easier for him to hide stuff the other side of the world. Either way he has been cruel and heartless and he’s denied you any form of closure.

It’s a cliche but the pain does go away and you will find happiness. I’m married now with a gorgeous little family. I realised after meeting my husband that my ex was not the right person for me and we had nothing in common and no chemistry.

It’s 10000% his loss and if he is a shithead and a coward xxx

 

[Lollyy]

Been with ny partner 8 years he is muslim im not, i said i would try. About to sign tenancy agreement and hes left me. Absolutely heartbroken