Not only my HA but just finished work before I go on holiday locally tomorrow and my OCD ticks are out of control 
so frustrating
so frustrating
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I definitely would never have noticed it but then I just think, dodgy stuff can grow in all sorts of places you can’t notice, then I panic more LOLSending you love! What helps me sometimes is thinking well if it’s in such a hard place to see, would I notice it unless I was specifically looking for something to be wrong?
Hi everyone. Hoping for some perspective on what to do in this situation. I am bridesmaid for my best friend this year. My boyfriend of 8+ years has always struggled with anxiety especially in big social situations. We are obviously both invited however he is pretty much refusing to come. I have been so proud of him in the past when he has attended events in which his anxiety has been high. All my other friends partners will be attending. I guess I am just not sure whether I should persuade him to come so his anxiety isn’t so bad for future big events or just leave it be and attend alone.
He will be anxious about the whole situation. The event and letting you down. I suffer massively with anxiety and much of the problem is worrying about letting people down. I know if I were him I'd want reassurance that you understand and to not worry about it if he really doesn't want to go. I feel for you, but it's easier to say to your friends that he can't attend for whatever reason than it will be for him to force himself to go.
I used to be like that so just wouldn't go but then read about telling your anxiety to 'F off' and not give into it so I make myself do things now so the anxiety doesn't win. It's hard but I'm always so pleased with myself afterwards. Also, nothing is ever as bad as you think it will be.
But is it the kind of wedding where as Bridesmaid you would sit on the 'top table' so he wouldn't be able to sit with you at the Reception? If so, I can understand that's even harder if he will have to sit and make conversation with people he may not know.
I would still ask him to go. You don't want to become an enabler. If you say 'OK fine' then he'll do the same for the next big social situations. He needs to face his fears and not let the anxiety dictate his life.
Thanks for your reply. I have asked the bride this and she said it depends on the restrictions on numbers regarding the top table. I know it would be a big ask as I would be gone pretty much all day with hair make up photos etc. It is quite a upmarket place I suppose and he really struggles with meals in environments he isn’t comfortable with. I guess I just don’t want to be seen as giving in and setting a president for future events but also understand he would be with people that he does know but is not very very familiar with all day whilst I’m gone.
Thanks for your response. I really am just very torn on the whole situation. I do reassure him but I guess I can’t fully empathise.
Does he know the other guests? If not, then I can understand his anxiety but if you're a group of friends, just ask the bride to seat him with someone he's comfortable with if that's possible?
It sounds like he has social anxiety? My relative has that and he rarely comes to any social events even though he's had counselling but it didn't seem to help him much. Has your boyfriend had counselling?
I would say to him that it would mean a lot to you if he would come and say that you know you don't understand how he feels but he needs to overcome the anxiety and not let it dictate his life. Honestly, the amount of things I used to not do because of my anxiety, I really regretted it when I got older but you feel a sense of accomplishment when you don't let the anxiety win so tell him that and that he shouldn't give into it all the time. If he faces a situation like this that makes him anxious and gets through it then next time he will feel less anxious knowing he got through it.
With anxiety, you need to keep notes of how you're feeling at the time and what your 'fear' is. Then when you feel like that fear again, you refer back to your notes and see that nothing bad happened or came of it the previous time you felt like that and you then realise you can rationalise the anxiety.
I personally think if you push him to go when he really isn't comfortable it will create more problems for you both longterm. I know it's easy to say people can't let anxiety dictate their lives, but that's up to the individual to say, not someone else on their behalf. The worse thing you can do with anxiety IMO is to expect or tell someone to just get on with it, even if you have similar experiences yourself, but *definitely* not if you don't understand how they feel at all. What seems small to you can be life altering to someone else. I think it will just spoil the day for you aswell because you will be conscious the whole time that he is so uncomfortable. No doubt made worse by the fact you won't be with him most of the day anyway. He hasn't got you for support.
I think people who don't have anxiety sometimes find it hard to understand that if you are with someone who suffers with the illness, that you have to accept they may never change and that it's a lifelong battle for them, he may never want to go to events and trying to force him won't change that it will just damage your relationship. Much the same as any way we try to change our partners really. I have social anxiety aswell and it doesn't matter if I'm on event 1 or 100, I'm still just as uncomfortable. Sure not everyone is the same, but what I mean is, if he caves and goes, it doesn't nessercarily mean it will make it any easier for him next time like you might hope.
@jackolantern I'm saying it as an anxiety sufferer myself. I've had anxiety since childhood and have let it dictate so much of my life and it stopped me doing so much stuff that I now regret. Also, counselling for social anxiety they make you face your fears head on so will put you in the situation. How else are you going to overcome something if you don't face your fears? Don't let your anxiety rule your life.
If Steph goes through her relationship with her partner 'enabling' him by daring not to question his anxiety or upset him then that's also going to damage their relationship.
If Steph goes through her relationship with her partner 'enabling' him by daring not to question his anxiety or upset him then that's also going to damage their relationship.
I wasn't referring to you, or indeed anyone in particular. But I don't like this narrative of "just do it" as if it is that easy for everyone, it isn't and just because it works for you (and I'm glad it has) doesn't mean it works for everyone. As I've said, it doesn't matter how many events I've been to, it has never gotten any easier for me. Ofcourse not everyone is the same and it will help some people, but I think that's for them to decide not having pressure put on them by others. I think that can cause alot of friction in a relationship feeling like someone is pushing you to do something you aren't comfortable with.
Enabling is an unkind word, as is saying don't let anxiety rule your life. I'm surprised when you have experience of anxiety yourself that you would use them. They are really damaging phrases that can completely invalidate someone's feelings and act as if they need permission from someone else to feel the way they do and as if it's just as easy to stop. It's not much different from saying "just don't worry" in my book. Clearly we all have a very different stance on this and hopefully the OP's partner would be more receptive to a gentle shove, however I was speaking from my experiences (as you are) and for me, if my partner pushed me into something I wasn't comfortable with (having gone into the relationship knowing who I am) it would cause alot of upset. I won't ever be comfortable with events, some people just won't be. That doesn't mean they are letting their anxiety beat them. Why do we all have to like events?
He has had anxiety as long as I have known him, sometimes there has been better periods and sometimes daily panic attacks. We did go to a wedding last year but it was a small family wedding on his side, we did leave early but he did get all dressed up and attend. But again I was at his side all the time. He knows my friends but has never really spent any time in social gatherings because of said anxiety issues. But yes I think he would unfortunately agree that it doesn’t matter if it’s event 1 or event 1000 they all trigger the same feelings.
It's so difficult because I can completely understand both sides and I don't think there is an easy answer. Although if he has been to a wedding for his family, it does seem fair to extend the same curtosy to you. Is he straight up refusing to go at all? Like he won't even discuss it with you?He has had anxiety as long as I have known him, sometimes there has been better periods and sometimes daily panic attacks. We did go to a wedding last year but it was a small family wedding on his side, we did leave early but he did get all dressed up and attend. But again I was at his side all the time. He knows my friends but has never really spent any time in social gatherings because of said anxiety issues. But yes I think he would unfortunately agree that it doesn’t matter if it’s event 1 or event 1000 they all trigger the same feelings.
I'm old! I've let my anxiety rule my life for far too long so I'm taking a stance. I don't believe enabling is unkind at all. Do you want to go through life been wrapped in cotton wool and wallowing in your anxiety and have nobody complain or tell you to not let it win? I agree, we are all different and believe you me I probably felt like you back in my 20's and 30's but there comes a time in your life when you just realise that you've wasted too much time and you can't get that time back. Good luck to you and I hope one day things will be better for you. I still have anxiety and probably always will but I've learned coping mechanisms and to rationalise it which is probably why I give differing advice to you. Don't wish to offend.
The wedding was supposed to be 2020 and I’ve known I was going to be bridesmaid since end of 2018 so it’s been spoken about to death to be honest. It’s just that the formal invigoration has come in this weekend and we have to rsvp that’s it all come to a head.
It’s interesting to hear both sides. I had anxiety when I was in school when it wasn’t nearly as talked about as it is now. I would be physically sick regarding that would make me nervous but when I turned 18 I just for some reason decided that this wasn’t going to happen to me anymore. It’s hard to comprehend why but I was determined however I do believe I didn’t have it as bad as my other half. He has been to counselling previously, had CBT and is on daily meds. It’s a long old road...
Does anyone else get anxiety flare ups, particularly health anxiety, when nice plans or good things are happening?
We are booked to go away this weekend, just a local holiday for 2 nights, and I'm so excited for it. But sure enough as this week goes on I will get more anxious about totally unrelated things, as well as the trip itself.
We are booked to go away this weekend, just a local holiday for 2 nights, and I'm so excited for it. But sure enough as this week goes on I will get more anxious about totally unrelated things, as well as the trip itself.
Yes. My HA has been through the roof the last couple of weeks. I can't help but google symptoms, but am now thinking that the symptoms are all being caused by my HA and over worrying. It's a vicious circle. Sadly my family and friends don't really understand. I'm hoping the GP can help because I am sick of feeling like this. Sending you hugs.
Yes absolutely, I’m away atm and always thinking about it x
Having such a rotten time of it at the minute, I just can't bare it anymore. I literally live life now thinking I have atleast 3-5 types of cancer, every single day. I was supposed to have a follow up dermatology appt about a dodgy mole I have and it's been a year and I haven't heard back. After loads of back and fro today they basically told me there was nothing on the system and I'd have to go through the GP again (which was hard enough the first time) and effectively accused me of lying. Just broke down when I got off the phone thinking I have to start from scratch again. It's a mole I've been worried about for 4-5 years now that just keeps changing and I'm convinced it's all going to be so bad now from how long it's been and they never take me seriously. Booked my first cervical screening for Thursday too (4 years late) and I'm absoloutly terrified, obviously of the embarassment but also that they'll find something horrendous and also the pain because I have vaginismus and I'm worried will I even be able to go through it all. Need to book a dentist appt and an eyetest too and I just can't cope with all the terror
Oh my heart bleeds for you, I can feel your agony in your postHaving such a rotten time of it at the minute, I just can't bare it anymore. I literally live life now thinking I have atleast 3-5 types of cancer, every single day. I was supposed to have a follow up dermatology appt about a dodgy mole I have and it's been a year and I haven't heard back. After loads of back and fro today they basically told me there was nothing on the system and I'd have to go through the GP again (which was hard enough the first time) and effectively accused me of lying. Just broke down when I got off the phone thinking I have to start from scratch again. It's a mole I've been worried about for 4-5 years now that just keeps changing and I'm convinced it's all going to be so bad now from how long it's been and they never take me seriously. Booked my first cervical screening for Thursday too (4 years late) and I'm absoloutly terrified, obviously of the embarassment but also that they'll find something horrendous and also the pain because I have vaginismus and I'm worried will I even be able to go through it all. Need to book a dentist appt and an eyetest too and I just can't cope with all the terror
Is there anyway you could do a private referral for the dermatologist or even just book one yourself (obviously if you can afford it, I realise its not a possibility at all for some people!)
As for your cervical smear - Mine was a bit tricky last time too but once you get it done, fingers crossed, thats it for 3 years! That always reassures me. And don't even worry about the embarrassment, nurses are well used to doing it. I always like to wear something like leggings/tights and a dress, that way I can mostly cover myself after I take my tights and underwear off!
Thank you for your kind reply <3Oh my heart bleeds for you, I can feel your agony in your post
Is there anyway you could do a private referral for the dermatologist or even just book one yourself (obviously if you can afford it, I realise its not a possibility at all for some people!)
As for your cervical smear - Mine was a bit tricky last time too but once you get it done, fingers crossed, thats it for 3 years! That always reassures me. And don't even worry about the embarrassment, nurses are well used to doing it. I always like to wear something like leggings/tights and a dress, that way I can mostly cover myself after I take my tights and underwear off!
Unfortunately I can't afford to go private so will just have to push the GP again, it sounds so pathetic but it took so much to advocate for myself the first time and I was so proud of myself and honestly so relieved they would finally keep an eye on it for me and now I feel like they've just spat it all back in my face
The GPs never take me seriously anyway because of my anxiety so to try and go back and explain the situation, I already know I'll just be met with "well the derm didn't request another so you are fine" as opposed to the bleeping derm forgot. The only small silver lining with the smear is the face mask lol! I'm glad that will hide some of my beetroot red face
I've been putting everything off for so long and I'm really trying to be brave and suck it all up but it's just so scary. I know I'm just being a giant wimp lol, but honestly even the sight of anything medical sends me into a panic attack.
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