Ghosted by a best friend

[judgejohndeed]

She messaged today to say that she thinks I am a 'selfish' friend and haven't 'appreciated' her as a friend. I was dumbfounded. Her reasonings are COVID related - I didn't reach out a lot in the pandemic and skirted over her issues if what she's said is being interpreted properly. I've apologised profusely and told her clearly my intention wasn't to be nasty or a rubbish friend and that I wished she'd made a polite comment if my behaviour was being construed as being a bad friend.

She said I haven't cared about other people through the pandemic - citing a 'joke' tweet that, although may be in bad taste, I wouldn't say is particularly offensive (I just said that I hoped we were out of lockdown for my birthday next spring). She's accepted the apology I gave for coming across as dismissing of pandemic but I said I never ever thought I was being selfish. I was stunned.

Maybe I am cold hearted but I can’t stomach this waffle during the pandemic. Everyone is having a hard time, I don’t know why some people think it’s acceptable to accuse others of being ‘selfish’ if they’re not constantly checking on other people. Has she reached out or checked on anyone herself I wonder? Most of us are busy trying to keep ourselves mentally, financially, physically afloat. Some empathy about that from her would be nice.

I have to disagree slightly with some previous advice you had. I don’t agree that people’s feelings must always be respected or ‘validated’ just because they are feeling something. Feelings are not rational and shouldn’t be treated as such. She can feel that you’re selfish if she likes, but if that is wrong why should it be respected? I don’t think you have been selfish at all. I think she is the selfish one to be saying you’re in the wrong for not doing more for her during a time that is hard for us all. People can be self absorbed, people can overreact. She can feel what she likes but that doesn’t make her right nor that those feelings should be pandered to.

Sorry you experienced this. You seem like a kind and caring person.

 

[birdiefly246]

No I think you see things really sensibly. I love your outlook. You have a confident nature and I’d cherish that. Thank you for sharing xx

oh that's very kind thank you! I thought you were saying I needed counselling and I was like yeah lets not ope that can of worms

You’ve articulated this so well. It’s such a massive headfuck to come to terms with this (especially if you’re in love with someone) but I believe it’s so true. We have a tendency to demonise people who don’t want to be in our lives any more but other than our parents I don’t think anyone owes us anything. I guess I feel like that because I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a relationship and not be allowed to change my mind, so I have to give others the same right. I’m going to try to take this mindset into my 2021 dating adventures. It will save me a lot of bitterness I think.

Don't get me wrong, it is tit. It is true, we do demonise people and I think it's cause we have a culture of "it's their loss" which is sometimes but also sometimes people just aren't right for you and you're not right for them and that is okay. If it helps at all, when I like someone who I think is right for me and turns out, they aren't or it doesn't work out I always think 'imagine what it's going to feel like when it actually is right and it does work out". I'd rather have something that is right than be stuck. If you ever want to chat you can message me anytime


ETA: I think it helps that I really don't take much personally. Mostly cause I know a lot of issues that I have with other people are my own issues that are triggered by something they are doing (obviously not always the case obviously). When you see that a lot of issues are often just a projection, it's easier to deal with things.
also I laugh at myself a lot so will rip and tease myself to pieces before I give anyone else the satisfactions

 

[under the ivy]

It’s happening to me right now. Best friend for nearly 8 years, met at uni, we’re both doing PhDs together. All of a sudden I’ve had zero contact from her. It hurts me because I’m always there for her & I don’t get it back. It’s really affecting my MH and I don’t want to send a text I’ll end up regretting. It’s such a tit situation as I went through a break-up this year & now I feel like I’m losing a really good friend!

 

[Tree_]

Drop her. She sounds like a drip and a wet lettuce

 

[birdiefly246]

It’s happening to me right now. Best friend for nearly 8 years, met at uni, we’re both doing PhDs together. All of a sudden I’ve had zero contact from her. It hurts me because I’m always there for her & I don’t get it back. It’s really affecting my MH and I don’t want to send a text I’ll end up regretting. It’s such a tit situation as I went through a break-up this year & now I feel like I’m losing a really good friend!

I'm really sorry you're going through this for starters. I want to say though, if you're always there for and you don't get it back have you considered that maybe she actually isn't a good friend to you at all? Cause friends are supposed to be there for each other equally. Okay sometimes one picks up more than the other if there's something going on but a friendship overall is meant to be equal!

 

[under the ivy]

I'm really sorry you're going through this for starters. I want to say though, if you're always there for and you don't get it back have you considered that maybe she actually isn't a good friend to you at all? Cause friends are supposed to be there for each other equally. Okay sometimes one picks up more than the other if there's something going on but a friendship overall is meant to be equal!

I think I’m pretending to myself she’s a good friend purely for memories sake. She didn’t really help me through my break-up which happened during 1st lockdown, asks me questions about PhD related stuff all the time (e.g how are you writing this chapter) Does my head in! It’s a shame but I guess sometimes friendships just fizzle out.

 

[birdiefly246]

I think I’m pretending to myself she’s a good friend purely for memories sake. She didn’t really help me through my break-up which happening during 1st lockdown, asks me questions about PhD related stuff all the time (e.g how are you writing this chapter) Does my head in! It’s a shame but I guess sometimes friendships just fizzle out.

I feel like you have your answers right there. It's horrible but the positive is that you're not wasting your time on a friend who isn't giving you the same effort back. It hurts don't get me wrong, but remember you have other people in your life that are rooting for you.

 

[OutrageouslyScarlet]

I think I’m pretending to myself she’s a good friend purely for memories sake. She didn’t really help me through my break-up which happened during 1st lockdown, asks me questions about PhD related stuff all the time (e.g how are you writing this chapter) Does my head in! It’s a shame but I guess sometimes friendships just fizzle out.

I have definitely done this for sentimental reasons, there is literally nothing worse than one way friendships. I’ve fallen out with friends when I’ve gone through really hard times alone. I honestly see no point in one sided friendships, they end up making you feel worse than ever.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

One thing I’ve learnt this year is how good it feels when you don’t respond to people like this.

 

[bookworm1403]

Hello, I’m resurrecting this thread (almost 2 years on!) as Saturday night I received an absolutely awful text from her telling me the reason she stopped speaking to me all those years ago.
She called me a c**t and a tit friend as I haven’t checked in on her or her mum since we’ve stopped talking, despite me knowing her mum is ill.
She told me I was a rubbish friend as all I did was talk about my ex-boyfriend when we were texting/meeting up (bearing in mind I had just gone through my first proper breakup and I was a teenager whose entire world had fallen down). She told me I was rude as I had spoken about my other friends when in her company. She finished the message by telling me to ‘screenshot and show my mum as it’s all true’.

I shouldn’t be upset as it happened all so long ago but it’s really bothered me, think it’s actually the foul language and making out as if I wasn’t interested or wanting to be there for her over her mum (but she was the one who cut me off!)

Just thought I’d update as two years on I finally have ‘closure’ - although, I wish I’d never had it!

 

[shadowcat5]

Hello, I’m resurrecting this thread (almost 2 years on!) as Saturday night I received an absolutely awful text from her telling me the reason she stopped speaking to me all those years ago.
She called me a c**t and a tit friend as I haven’t checked in on her or her mum since we’ve stopped talking, despite me knowing her mum is ill.
She told me I was a rubbish friend as all I did was talk about my ex-boyfriend when we were texting/meeting up (bearing in mind I had just gone through my first proper breakup and I was a teenager whose entire world had fallen down). She told me I was rude as I had spoken about my other friends when in her company. She finished the message by telling me to ‘screenshot and show my mum as it’s all true’.

I shouldn’t be upset as it happened all so long ago but it’s really bothered me, think it’s actually the foul language and making out as if I wasn’t interested or wanting to be there for her over her mum (but she was the one who cut me off!)

Just thought I’d update as two years on I finally have ‘closure’ - although, I wish I’d never had it!

sounds like you dodged a bullet. She could very easily have told you all of that at the time and given you the chance to rectify the situation. She opted to be a child instead.

 

[bookworm1403]

sounds like you dodged a bullet. She could very easily have told you all of that at the time and given you the chance to rectify the situation. She opted to be a child instead.

I have no idea why she’s said this now, to me it makes no sense. I’m not the same person I was aged 19 when we were friends, but I certainly don’t agree that I was a terrible friend to her either or was completely focused on myself.
And to insinuate I’m a horrible person because in the two years we haven’t spoken a word I haven’t asked about her mum, to me is deranged?! I didn’t reach out to ask in case it looked like I was using the illness of her mum as a way to speak to her which, in my opinion, would’ve made me a lesser person entirely.

 

[shadowcat5]

I have no idea why she’s said this now, to me it makes no sense. I’m not the same person I was aged 19 when we were friends, but I certainly don’t agree that I was a terrible friend to her either or was completely focused on myself.
And to insinuate I’m a horrible person because in the two years we haven’t spoken a word I haven’t asked about her mum, to me is deranged?! I didn’t reach out to ask in case it looked like I was using the illness of her mum as a way to speak to her which, in my opinion, would’ve made me a lesser person entirely.

yeah I'm not sure what she's expecting either? Does she want you to grovel? Also if she was replying bluntly etc then why would you ask about her mum? Were you meant to just keep chasing a friendship she clearly didn't want?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hello, I’m resurrecting this thread (almost 2 years on!) as Saturday night I received an absolutely awful text from her telling me the reason she stopped speaking to me all those years ago.
She called me a c**t and a tit friend as I haven’t checked in on her or her mum since we’ve stopped talking, despite me knowing her mum is ill.
She told me I was a rubbish friend as all I did was talk about my ex-boyfriend when we were texting/meeting up (bearing in mind I had just gone through my first proper breakup and I was a teenager whose entire world had fallen down). She told me I was rude as I had spoken about my other friends when in her company. She finished the message by telling me to ‘screenshot and show my mum as it’s all true’.

I shouldn’t be upset as it happened all so long ago but it’s really bothered me, think it’s actually the foul language and making out as if I wasn’t interested or wanting to be there for her over her mum (but she was the one who cut me off!)

Just thought I’d update as two years on I finally have ‘closure’ - although, I wish I’d never had it!

Bloody hell she sounds awful.

I'm a petty witch so would probably just message back "who's this" and then block her

 

[candyland_]

Laugh and move on. She’s an idiot. Obviously very bitter and stuck in the past.

 

[bookworm1403]

She blocked me on all forms of social media before I could even reply on her original mode of message.

I sent a text just to say that I had seen her message and was upset by the contents, as well as completely confused at how she’d felt like that 2 years ago and never said anything and also why she said it to me 2 years on. I don’t really want a response and, as she’s blocked me, she won’t see what I’m doing and vice versa I just didn’t want her thinking that I’d not seen what she’d said and she thought that running off and blocking me would be the way to avoid me ever seeing her awful text.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

She blocked me on all forms of social media before I could even reply on her original mode of message.

I sent a text just to say that I had seen her message and was upset by the contents, as well as completely confused at how she’d felt like that 2 years ago and never said anything and also why she said it to me 2 years on. I don’t really want a response and, as she’s blocked me, she won’t see what I’m doing and vice versa I just didn’t want her thinking that I’d not seen what she’d said and she thought that running off and blocking me would be the way to avoid me ever seeing her awful text.

You are being way too generous with your time and efforts to this awful woman. You’ve made all effort to understand what you had done to wrong her, apologised and she’s been nothing but horrible to you. I’d suggest that you right this relationship off, stop explaining yourself, block her from your phone and stop interacting with her. You deserve better and the way are has treated you is totally unjustified. All the best xx

 

[Barbie2020]

Has anyone got advice for how to get over your best friend ghosting you!? Mine has done it to me, I’m completely baffled as there has never been any arguing, competition, witching etc. we’ve always been big supporters of each other, always enjoyed spending time together. Spent ages trying to think what could have happened but I just draw a blank.

I’ve accepted she just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore for whatever reason. I’d have rather being told why because ghosting is horrible, it’s never happened to me before. I’ve accepted the friendship is over.

I’ll not go into details but for context there’s no reason why she’d be jealous of me, she’s got a good job, husband baby on the way etc!

I’m just finding myself getting really upset about it sometimes and just want to move on without worrying too much. I don’t have loads of friends so it’s a massive blow. I’ve definitely accepted it but just don’t know how to get over the moments of sadness I keep feeling?

 

[candyland_]

Has anyone got advice for how to get over your best friend ghosting you!? Mine has done it to me, I’m completely baffled as there has never been any arguing, competition, witching etc. we’ve always been big supporters of each other, always enjoyed spending time together. Spent ages trying to think what could have happened but I just draw a blank.

I’ve accepted she just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore for whatever reason. I’d have rather being told why because ghosting is horrible, it’s never happened to me before. I’ve accepted the friendship is over.

I’ll not go into details but for context there’s no reason why she’d be jealous of me, she’s got a good job, husband baby on the way etc!

I’m just finding myself getting really upset about it sometimes and just want to move on without worrying too much. I don’t have loads of friends so it’s a massive blow. I’ve definitely accepted it but just don’t know how to get over the moments of sadness I keep feeling?

How long has it been? Could she just be going through a hard time and hasn’t really ghosted? Have you reached out? Maybe her pregnancy is tough.

I’ve vanished from my friends for a couple of weeks and they’ve done the same during tough times.. One of mine did it last week and then popped up telling me about a difficult time they were having - Sometimes we just need space.

 

[Gossipreadee]

Has anyone got advice for how to get over your best friend ghosting you!? Mine has done it to me, I’m completely baffled as there has never been any arguing, competition, witching etc. we’ve always been big supporters of each other, always enjoyed spending time together. Spent ages trying to think what could have happened but I just draw a blank.

I’ve accepted she just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore for whatever reason. I’d have rather being told why because ghosting is horrible, it’s never happened to me before. I’ve accepted the friendship is over.

I’ll not go into details but for context there’s no reason why she’d be jealous of me, she’s got a good job, husband baby on the way etc!

I’m just finding myself getting really upset about it sometimes and just want to move on without worrying too much. I don’t have loads of friends so it’s a massive blow. I’ve definitely accepted it but just don’t know how to get over the moments of sadness I keep feeling?

I’m not at this point with one of my friends yet but i feel ya. It’s really hard isnt it?!

One of my closest friends has these episodes of becoming really distant. And then I get pulled back in because if she says do I want to do something I then think oh maybe I was just imagining this vibe that wasn’t actually there and then it happens again.

There isn’t anything major to punctuate it. A few years ago she had a period off work due to anxiety but has a new job now. (Obv anxiety doesn’t go just because she has a new job, but a lot of it was work related). But she often says she has no money or reasons that come across as poor considering her financial position(I know you don’t always know the ins and outs of everyone’s lives but when it’s your best mate you kinda have a good idea). Or she will cance plans last minute but no “I’m sorry for cancelling” along with the message. She will pick and choose when to communicate with people- the other day she was saying about doing something for a friends birthday- but for my own birthday she didn’t acknowledge it- despite her knowing(we have a group what’s app and some of our other friends had posted messages to me, I could see that she had read them but no acknowledgement.

What’s worse is that we are part of a bigger friendship circle of 7, so with some they don’t experience this side to her and others have.

I’m not sure the best way forward entirely because when nothing significant has happened it’s hard to realise it’s the end. But I wonder if you immerse yourself in other activities if it will slowly help you move forward ?