Ghosted by a best friend

[bookworm1403]

Just as an update:
She responded this evening asking if we could meet up in the new year to talk about the reason she's ignored me for almost two months. Maybe I will get closure after all.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Just as an update:
She responded this evening asking if we could meet up in the new year to talk about the reason she's ignored me for almost two months. Maybe I will get closure after all.

In the new year? Wow she’s really dragging this along isn’t she. What did you decide to do? I wouldn’t give her all the power because I’m a stubborn cow, I’d probably say, “that won’t work for me, but I can meet you before?”

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Just as an update:
She responded this evening asking if we could meet up in the new year to talk about the reason she's ignored me for almost two months. Maybe I will get closure after all.

Blimey, what a coincidence.

Well I hope you do get closure and whatever happens, make sure you never allow her to treat you this way again, or anyone else!

 

[Raininvain]

Wow she really thinks she's something keeping you hanging on all over Xmas and the New Year!!. I'd tell her to stick her kind offer. You know you really don't need her playing silly games with you and stringing you along. There's decent people out there who wont treat you like this.

 

[bookworm1403]

I said to her I'd rather a phone call before Christmas if the matter is too complicated to talk about over text (which is what she said) but if the new year is what she wants then she can message me then to arrange. If she doesn't do anything then (and she hasn't responded again this evening) I won't be chasing.

 

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

I really do feel for you but then I have "ghosted" friends before and it's not anything you've done wrong hopefully she has that conversation with you soon because it isn't fair for her to drag it out.
For me, it's always when I just ain't doing good mentally and really stressed about things and I feel like I'd rather be alone until I feel better or don't speak to certain friends I find that will just make how I'm feeling more difficult with having to deal with their issues as well as mine or it's something I know they wouldn't really understand. Also just don't want to burden them with my issues, even the ones I feel like I can trust sometimes I want to just deal with my situation myself and I will still chat to my friends that are less serious and it's more a laugh all the time, but I know certain people don't let it go and keep asking what's wrong and then I burst out crying its all a big mess which could've been avoided aha hate crying infront of people. I know she's been with other friends though so that must make it harder, but friends I've pushed away still mean a lot to me and I still care about them. I feel really guilty for when I've done this to people and it doesn't make much sense, but sometimes I have just felt I only have the mental/emotional capacity to deal with three people so everyone else gets pushed to the side it isn't fair though so I do try to just be honest and say I need a bit of space for whatever reason now, who knows hers could be nothing like my reasons so sorry for going on but I do hope you get things sorted xxx

 

[bookworm1403]

I really do feel for you but then I have "ghosted" friends before and it's not anything you've done wrong hopefully she has that conversation with you soon because it isn't fair for her to drag it out.
For me, it's always when I just ain't doing good mentally and really stressed about things and I feel like I'd rather be alone until I feel better or don't speak to certain friends I find that will just make how I'm feeling more difficult with having to deal with their issues as well as mine or it's something I know they wouldn't really understand. Also just don't want to burden them with my issues, even the ones I feel like I can trust sometimes I want to just deal with my situation myself and I will still chat to my friends that are less serious and it's more a laugh all the time, but I know certain people don't let it go and keep asking what's wrong and then I burst out crying its all a big mess which could've been avoided aha hate crying infront of people. I know she's been with other friends though so that must make it harder, but friends I've pushed away still mean a lot to me and I still care about them. I feel really guilty for when I've done this to people and it doesn't make much sense, but sometimes I have just felt I only have the mental/emotional capacity to deal with three people so everyone else gets pushed to the side it isn't fair though so I do try to just be honest and say I need a bit of space for whatever reason now, who knows hers could be nothing like my reasons so sorry for going on but I do hope you get things sorted xxx

I honestly thought it would be because she was having a tough time (as she's had family issues) and maybe that was the problem. But as time went on and she would talk to other people in our chats but avoid anything I'd said I realised it was a bit more pointed. If she said six weeks ago "sorry I am really having a tough time right now and don't want to speak" I'd not have started to get this niggling feeling that there was something more to it.
Sorry to hear you've had such hard times

 

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

I honestly thought it would be because she was having a tough time (as she's had family issues) and maybe that was the problem. But as time went on and she would talk to other people in our chats but avoid anything I'd said I realised it was a bit more pointed. If she said six weeks ago "sorry I am really having a tough time right now and don't want to speak" I'd not have started to get this niggling feeling that there was something more to it.
Sorry to hear you've had such hard times

Awh yeah doesn't sound like it's about that to me either then who knows, yeah she needs to let you know why she's being like this it ain't fair. Xx

 

[LucilleBluth]

Sending good vibes your way @bookworm1403.

I’d just say be careful that you’re not setting yourself up for more hurt by talking to her about it. You might not hear anything helpful and she might say something harsh.

I believe everyone has the right to choose who they’re friends with and also has the right to change their mind on that, but nobody has the right to be unkind and treat people badly and I think at this point this is what she’s doing.

I’ll be honest - I’ve deliberately pulled back from a friendship this year. I suspect the other person is quite hurt but we just have nothing in common any more and the pandemic has highlighted that. (It doesn’t sound like that’s the case in your situation at all.) People grow apart and in platonic friendships I’m not sure a ‘breakup’ convo is needed. But I would never have said “we need to talk” and then left her hanging. Or randomly text saying just “sorry”. That’s BS - it’s one thing for a friendship to drift a little but it’s unfair to give hints that something is seriously wrong and then go silent again.

 

[bookworm1403]

But I would never have said “we need to talk” and then left her hanging. Or randomly text saying just “sorry”. That’s BS - it’s one thing for a friendship to drift a little but it’s unfair to give hints that something is seriously wrong and then go silent again.

I honestly think that this is my problem with it all and probably the reason why I've taken it hard. One minute, literally the day she began ignoring me, she's texting like normal, arranging to see me and to have drinks etc like there is nothing wrong. Then tells me we need to talk and refuses to then do the talking when I (imo, rightly) ask her what's wrong.

I also want to make it clear that I haven't pestered her for answers or anything. She said that, ignored for two weeks so I sent a message asking if everything was okay again. After that, I left it a bit longer etc. I'm a big 'need space' girl myself so I thought I'd do that - but it got to the point where I was starting to feel guilty for things I know I haven't done just because she has me thinking I am in the wrong.

I hope she does explain at some point, for my benefit not for hers. I will be telling her if she does eventually decide to give me closure that the way she's treated me isn't right or nice, and, unless she's telling me that I've done something horrifically bad (which is very, very doubtful), I won't just stand for her completely pretending I don't exist with no explanation or apology. It has really upset me, more so now she's told me that the problem is something that she can't discuss over the phone. Maybe I just need to harden myself up.

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

So crappy to expect you to wait on tenter hooks over Christmas!

 

[Babyyoda88]

Sorry to read what you’ve gone through.

Yes I had a best friend since I was 4. Really close, sleep overs all the time, went to New Zealand the two of us together, really close. Then when we finished school when we were 18 she cut ties with me out of the blue when she got a new bf. Would message me occasionally until she eventually fizzled out all together. She randomly reconnected with me when we were 22 but then she disappeared again. She recently sent me a friend request on Facebook but I’m now in my 30s and I’m really not down for the whole catching up thing. My life is completely different and I don’t want her to know anything about my life really as she decided she didn’t want to be in it anymore all those years ago. Sad really but there we go.

 

[imnotarobot]

So crappy to expect you to wait on tenter hooks over Christmas!

Yep.

This sums it up in a nutshell. That is cruel. And if she was a friend worth keeping, She wouldn’t do this to you.

Hold your head up high and move on. You deserve better.

 

[Tree_]

I'd just tell her she can give you an explanation now or don't bother and your friendship is over

 

[TheScarletgirl]

This happened to me ! we sadly never recovered the friendship though. I hope things work out for you and your friend but it sounds like she is the type to do this before. Really bad communication on her part , I don't see why she can't call you. Meeting up in the new year just sounds like a delay tactic or she is hoping you forget.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Fingers crossed you find some answers. Do let us know.

 

[2xblended]

I can't imagine waiting a month or longer for this conversation. Why drag it out?
If it were me, I'd say 'let's have a phone call to discuss it now and put it to rest, instead of dragging things out even further which will cause us both more upset.'
If she didn't agree to that, I'd walk away myself. It's bad enough the emotional game of being normal then suddenly ghosting you, without this added game now of making you wait for her, as though your feelings and time are not important.
That's just my take on it, but in either case, I hope you get what you need from the convo if and when it does happen.

 

[Pinkblush]

Does she see you as a threat when it comes to lads? I know it might sound silly but years ago a friend of mine got dropped by a good friend when the friend found out a lad she liked had said he liked my friend. She never found the real reason why until a year down the line so it sounds like she was dropped because the friend saw her as a threat when it came to opposite sex. Apparently this is quite common early on in friendships.

 

[bookworm1403]

Does she see you as a threat when it comes to lads? I know it might sound silly but years ago a friend of mine got dropped by a good friend when the friend found out a lad she liked had said he liked my friend. She never found the real reason why until a year down the line so it sounds like she was dropped because the friend saw her as a threat when it came to opposite sex. Apparently this is quite common early on in friendships.

Oh god knows - she's pretty successful with lads I think but is less confident?

She hasn't responded to me since I last updated (and I haven't said anything bar it would be nice to have a phone call before Christmas but if not it's fine) so I'm just getting finals over with and moving on. I'd love to salvage our friendship but as time goes on it seems more impossible and unlikely.

 

[Pumpkinpie0991]

Just be careful. I’d hate to think she’s Just stringing you along. Pushes back the date when she wants to chat and the cycle just keeps going.
In my experiences unless I was happy to forgive and forgot, about the toxic unnecessary ghosting, the friendship never went back to normal and to be frank over time i Got to the point where I realised I should Have left it when they ghosted me. I literally was sitting thinking I don’t like you anymore why am I being so nice. Even though it sounds awful...

hopefully it works out the best whatever way for you.