Ghosted by a best friend

[ClockworkDolly]

So, a bit of background:

Myself and this girl have been in university for three years together, same course, same optionals everything. In our first year we weren't as close, but both joined a sports team in our second year and broke up with our boyfriends. From then onwards we were best, best friends. I would not go a day without seeing her. We did everything together, from essays to exams, from nights out to sleepovers, from bad times to good times. She genuinely has been an excellent friend to me, and I would like to think I have been an excellent friend to her.

During the pandemic (and closure of uni) we didn't talk as often as we used to and obviously didn't see each other. She lives one town over from me so it isn't far. We spoke all summer as she was coming back to uni and we arranged to meet up. We went out together and had a fab time, everything was as normal. Lectures resumed and, as I said, we are doing the same optionals so we had that to discuss etc.

One night she was on a night out and sent me a message 'we need to talk', every message before this had been normal and I had no reason to think she wasn't being anything other than drunk etc. I asked her what about, she just sent me my name and then 'Sorry'.

Ever since then, she either responds bluntly (i.e. one word) to my messages or point blank ignores me. I asked one of our other friends if she'd done the same to her, but she's fine with her yet really strange with me. I asked her multiple times if there is anything wrong and she's said no, but refuses to speak to me. It's made me extremely sad and paranoid, but I feel like I'm bleeding water out of a stone when I try and talk to her.

Has anyone ever experienced this? Have you ever had closure? I feel so so sad that a girl I spent the past 18 months sharing everything with (even booking multiple holidays with which were cancelled due to the pandemic) suddenly has frozen me out

I have experienced this yes, this year in fact with a long-standing friend.

Hopefully she will find herself a backbone and give you an explanation, but don’t hold your breath. Meantime, I would suggest getting on with your life without her. I know it’s hurtful when people treat you this way, but if she hasn’t got the decency to explain her behaviour then she doesn’t deserve your friendship.

 

[bookworm1403]

Just as an update:
She responded this evening asking if we could meet up in the new year to talk about the reason she's ignored me for almost two months. Maybe I will get closure after all.

 

[1001 others]

I could be completely wrong here, but ... is it possible that your friend has developed feelings for you? But she's embarrassed / ashamed / worried / whatever, about telling you?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hello, I’m resurrecting this thread (almost 2 years on!) as Saturday night I received an absolutely awful text from her telling me the reason she stopped speaking to me all those years ago.
She called me a c**t and a shit friend as I haven’t checked in on her or her mum since we’ve stopped talking, despite me knowing her mum is ill.
She told me I was a rubbish friend as all I did was talk about my ex-boyfriend when we were texting/meeting up (bearing in mind I had just gone through my first proper breakup and I was a teenager whose entire world had fallen down). She told me I was rude as I had spoken about my other friends when in her company. She finished the message by telling me to ‘screenshot and show my mum as it’s all true’.

I shouldn’t be upset as it happened all so long ago but it’s really bothered me, think it’s actually the foul language and making out as if I wasn’t interested or wanting to be there for her over her mum (but she was the one who cut me off!)

Just thought I’d update as two years on I finally have ‘closure’ - although, I wish I’d never had it!

Bloody hell she sounds awful.

I'm a petty bitch so would probably just message back "who's this" and then block her

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Just as an update:
She responded this evening asking if we could meet up in the new year to talk about the reason she's ignored me for almost two months. Maybe I will get closure after all.

In the new year? Wow she’s really dragging this along isn’t she. What did you decide to do? I wouldn’t give her all the power because I’m a stubborn cow, I’d probably say, “that won’t work for me, but I can meet you before?”

 

[bookworm1403]

Hello, I’m resurrecting this thread (almost 2 years on!) as Saturday night I received an absolutely awful text from her telling me the reason she stopped speaking to me all those years ago.
She called me a c**t and a shit friend as I haven’t checked in on her or her mum since we’ve stopped talking, despite me knowing her mum is ill.
She told me I was a rubbish friend as all I did was talk about my ex-boyfriend when we were texting/meeting up (bearing in mind I had just gone through my first proper breakup and I was a teenager whose entire world had fallen down). She told me I was rude as I had spoken about my other friends when in her company. She finished the message by telling me to ‘screenshot and show my mum as it’s all true’.

I shouldn’t be upset as it happened all so long ago but it’s really bothered me, think it’s actually the foul language and making out as if I wasn’t interested or wanting to be there for her over her mum (but she was the one who cut me off!)

Just thought I’d update as two years on I finally have ‘closure’ - although, I wish I’d never had it!

 

[Raininvain]

Wow she really thinks she's something keeping you hanging on all over Xmas and the New Year!!. I'd tell her to stick her kind offer. You know you really don't need her playing silly games with you and stringing you along. There's decent people out there who wont treat you like this.

 

[judgejohndeed]

She messaged today to say that she thinks I am a 'selfish' friend and haven't 'appreciated' her as a friend. I was dumbfounded. Her reasonings are COVID related - I didn't reach out a lot in the pandemic and skirted over her issues if what she's said is being interpreted properly. I've apologised profusely and told her clearly my intention wasn't to be nasty or a rubbish friend and that I wished she'd made a polite comment if my behaviour was being construed as being a bad friend.

She said I haven't cared about other people through the pandemic - citing a 'joke' tweet that, although may be in bad taste, I wouldn't say is particularly offensive (I just said that I hoped we were out of lockdown for my birthday next spring). She's accepted the apology I gave for coming across as dismissing of pandemic but I said I never ever thought I was being selfish. I was stunned.

Maybe I am cold hearted but I can’t stomach this waffle during the pandemic. Everyone is having a hard time, I don’t know why some people think it’s acceptable to accuse others of being ‘selfish’ if they’re not constantly checking on other people. Has she reached out or checked on anyone herself I wonder? Most of us are busy trying to keep ourselves mentally, financially, physically afloat. Some empathy about that from her would be nice.

I have to disagree slightly with some previous advice you had. I don’t agree that people’s feelings must always be respected or ‘validated’ just because they are feeling something. Feelings are not rational and shouldn’t be treated as such. She can feel that you’re selfish if she likes, but if that is wrong why should it be respected? I don’t think you have been selfish at all. I think she is the selfish one to be saying you’re in the wrong for not doing more for her during a time that is hard for us all. People can be self absorbed, people can overreact. She can feel what she likes but that doesn’t make her right nor that those feelings should be pandered to.

Sorry you experienced this. You seem like a kind and caring person.

 

[bookworm1403]

So, a bit of background:

Myself and this girl have been in university for three years together, same course, same optionals everything. In our first year we weren't as close, but both joined a sports team in our second year and broke up with our boyfriends. From then onwards we were best, best friends. I would not go a day without seeing her. We did everything together, from essays to exams, from nights out to sleepovers, from bad times to good times. She genuinely has been an excellent friend to me, and I would like to think I have been an excellent friend to her.

During the pandemic (and closure of uni) we didn't talk as often as we used to and obviously didn't see each other. She lives one town over from me so it isn't far. We spoke all summer as she was coming back to uni and we arranged to meet up. We went out together and had a fab time, everything was as normal. Lectures resumed and, as I said, we are doing the same optionals so we had that to discuss etc.

One night she was on a night out and sent me a message 'we need to talk', every message before this had been normal and I had no reason to think she wasn't being anything other than drunk etc. I asked her what about, she just sent me my name and then 'Sorry'.

Ever since then, she either responds bluntly (i.e. one word) to my messages or point blank ignores me. I asked one of our other friends if she'd done the same to her, but she's fine with her yet really strange with me. I asked her multiple times if there is anything wrong and she's said no, but refuses to speak to me. It's made me extremely sad and paranoid, but I feel like I'm bleeding water out of a stone when I try and talk to her.

Has anyone ever experienced this? Have you ever had closure? I feel so so sad that a girl I spent the past 18 months sharing everything with (even booking multiple holidays with which were cancelled due to the pandemic) suddenly has frozen me out

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Yes I’ve had this too, a few times.

first time was early on in high school, second time would have been later on in high school. I was best friends with this girl for two years of high school and we would walk to school together, home together and would go out in the evening.

then one day after school she just left and didn’t wait for me. Then the following morning I waited for her to walk with her and she didn’t appear and she didn’t respond to my texts. She then walked into school an hour late, blanked me and went and sat with someone else, she never spoke to me again.

then again in uni, I was there for three years. I was friends with a girl from the start, just us two and everything was great. In our last year a girl moved into our uni group and we ended up a group of three. Then one day not long into the last year the girl I was first friends with just stopped talking to me. I went to uni and text her as normal to meet her, no reply. I then see her later on with this other girl we were friends with, they blank me and sit down in the tutorial session away from me. She then deletes me from Facebook and we never speak again...

I have to say I think the worst thing me is the not knowing why. With me I just blamed myself and thought, I mustn’t be a worthy friend and it has knocked my confidence. I would honestly walk away from her and stop trying, she can’t be a nice person if she can act like this.

 

[bookworm1403]

I said to her I'd rather a phone call before Christmas if the matter is too complicated to talk about over text (which is what she said) but if the new year is what she wants then she can message me then to arrange. If she doesn't do anything then (and she hasn't responded again this evening) I won't be chasing.

 

[OutrageouslyScarlet]

So, a bit of background:

Myself and this girl have been in university for three years together, same course, same optionals everything. In our first year we weren't as close, but both joined a sports team in our second year and broke up with our boyfriends. From then onwards we were best, best friends. I would not go a day without seeing her. We did everything together, from essays to exams, from nights out to sleepovers, from bad times to good times. She genuinely has been an excellent friend to me, and I would like to think I have been an excellent friend to her.

During the pandemic (and closure of uni) we didn't talk as often as we used to and obviously didn't see each other. She lives one town over from me so it isn't far. We spoke all summer as she was coming back to uni and we arranged to meet up. We went out together and had a fab time, everything was as normal. Lectures resumed and, as I said, we are doing the same optionals so we had that to discuss etc.

One night she was on a night out and sent me a message 'we need to talk', every message before this had been normal and I had no reason to think she wasn't being anything other than drunk etc. I asked her what about, she just sent me my name and then 'Sorry'.

Ever since then, she either responds bluntly (i.e. one word) to my messages or point blank ignores me. I asked one of our other friends if she'd done the same to her, but she's fine with her yet really strange with me. I asked her multiple times if there is anything wrong and she's said no, but refuses to speak to me. It's made me extremely sad and paranoid, but I feel like I'm bleeding water out of a stone when I try and talk to her.

Has anyone ever experienced this? Have you ever had closure? I feel so so sad that a girl I spent the past 18 months sharing everything with (even booking multiple holidays with which were cancelled due to the pandemic) suddenly has frozen me out

My best friend of 26 years did it to me. We met when we were 3 and never really argued. It literally driven me crazy trying to work it out.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

UPDATE:
I am a bit heartbroken if I am honest, as someone warned I might be.

She messaged today to say that she thinks I am a 'selfish' friend and haven't 'appreciated' her as a friend. I was dumbfounded. Her reasonings are COVID related - I didn't reach out a lot in the pandemic and skirted over her issues if what she's said is being interpreted properly. I've apologised profusely and told her clearly my intention wasn't to be nasty or a rubbish friend and that I wished she'd made a polite comment if my behaviour was being construed as being a bad friend.

She said I haven't cared about other people through the pandemic - citing a 'joke' tweet that, although may be in bad taste, I wouldn't say is particularly offensive (I just said that I hoped we were out of lockdown for my birthday next spring). She's accepted the apology I gave for coming across as dismissing of pandemic but I said I never ever thought I was being selfish. I was stunned.

She still wants to meet up - so is that a good sign? I feel lost, feels like a romantic break-up... actually think that was easier.

I would “break up” this friendship. A real friend would not ghost you but pull you aside and let you know if there is a problem.
Honestly keep her at arms length and treat as an acquaintance. She will only do this again and hurt you worse. Btw nothing inappropriate about your joke

 

[birdiefly246]

UPDATE:
I am a bit heartbroken if I am honest, as someone warned I might be.

She messaged today to say that she thinks I am a 'selfish' friend and haven't 'appreciated' her as a friend. I was dumbfounded. Her reasonings are COVID related - I didn't reach out a lot in the pandemic and skirted over her issues if what she's said is being interpreted properly. I've apologised profusely and told her clearly my intention wasn't to be nasty or a rubbish friend and that I wished she'd made a polite comment if my behaviour was being construed as being a bad friend.

She said I haven't cared about other people through the pandemic - citing a 'joke' tweet that, although may be in bad taste, I wouldn't say is particularly offensive (I just said that I hoped we were out of lockdown for my birthday next spring). She's accepted the apology I gave for coming across as dismissing of pandemic but I said I never ever thought I was being selfish. I was stunned.

She still wants to meet up - so is that a good sign? I feel lost, feels like a romantic break-up... actually think that was easier.

This maybe an unpopular opinion here but here goes.

Not that you've done anything wrong cause I don't think you have but sometimes we just can't understand other people or are more sensitive to something than someone else no matter how hard we try. We also can't always give people what they need. Maybe you thought you were being a good friend but she needed something more therefore, it didn't come across like that to her. We aren't always compatible with everyone.

Ultimately her feelings are valid, as are yours and it's not fair for anyone to dismiss how someone else feels. Her opinion was that you are selfish and unappreciative and whether or not you see it like doesn't matter as those are her feelings which she is fully entitled to. In the same vain that you're fully entitled to be upset and annoyed that she ghosted you and feel like she's a bad friend for doing that.

You got what you wanted, which was an explanation for why she ghosted you (and an apology). What you do with that information is up to you.
Hopefully the friendship can be salvaged and seeing as you both apologised and had a conversation, you obviously care and respect each other which is a good start.

 

[Pinkblush]

She's self absorbed and introspective . Me, me, me. Everything is about how the pandemic is affecting her. Zero empathy for how its affecting others.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

This happened to me when I got pregnant I posted recently about it on the support to rant / vent thread
We’d been best friends since 14.. so it was 10 years of friendship. In 2018 I got pregnant and she didn’t take the news well at all. She cried when I told her. That I’d never have time for her. That I wouldn’t be able do the same things we did anymore and that she thought we’d always be the 2 who never had children
And throughout my pregnancy she would send me awful labor videos and men freaking out during labor etc after I told her I was really nervous about it. And she’d comment I was big etc ( hello I was growing a baby?! ) and then after he was born she messaged to say congratulations .. that was it. Never came to see him and a few months later I realised she’d removed me off all socials so I went one better & blocked her
I’m still sad about it now and sometimes feel like reaching out but after everything she did when I was pregnant I think I’m better off without her. It’s just sad. We were so close we’d speak everyday. Go out for meals go to th cinema go shopping etc. best friends for 10 years gone like that

 

[shadowcat5]

Hello, I’m resurrecting this thread (almost 2 years on!) as Saturday night I received an absolutely awful text from her telling me the reason she stopped speaking to me all those years ago.
She called me a c**t and a shit friend as I haven’t checked in on her or her mum since we’ve stopped talking, despite me knowing her mum is ill.
She told me I was a rubbish friend as all I did was talk about my ex-boyfriend when we were texting/meeting up (bearing in mind I had just gone through my first proper breakup and I was a teenager whose entire world had fallen down). She told me I was rude as I had spoken about my other friends when in her company. She finished the message by telling me to ‘screenshot and show my mum as it’s all true’.

I shouldn’t be upset as it happened all so long ago but it’s really bothered me, think it’s actually the foul language and making out as if I wasn’t interested or wanting to be there for her over her mum (but she was the one who cut me off!)

Just thought I’d update as two years on I finally have ‘closure’ - although, I wish I’d never had it!

sounds like you dodged a bullet. She could very easily have told you all of that at the time and given you the chance to rectify the situation. She opted to be a child instead.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

She’s an idiot.

 

[bookworm1403]

This maybe an unpopular opinion here but here goes.

Not that you've done anything wrong cause I don't think you have but sometimes we just can't understand other people or are more sensitive to something than someone else no matter how hard we try. We also can't always give people what they need. Maybe you thought you were being a good friend but she needed something more therefore, it didn't come across like that to her. We aren't always compatible with everyone.

Ultimately her feelings are valid, as are yours and it's not fair for anyone to dismiss how someone else feels. Her opinion was that you are selfish and unappreciative and whether or not you see it like doesn't matter as those are her feelings which she is fully entitled to. In the same vain that you're fully entitled to be upset and annoyed that she ghosted you and feel like she's a bad friend for doing that.

You got what you wanted, which was an explanation for why she ghosted you (and an apology). What you do with that information is up to you.
Hopefully the friendship can be salvaged and seeing as you both apologised and had a conversation, you obviously care and respect each other which is a good start.

I don't think it's unpopular. I appreciated her apology and I understand that we all are different and need different things. Think my problem is more why tell me that you thought I was being selfish three months after you decided that was the case. Surely if my behaviour was so reprehensible she felt put out why not say straight away?

I'll be seeing how it goes anyways. I value/ed her friendship. It's a new year - I don't want to be carrying any negative feelings into 2021.

 

[imnotarobot]

Oh that’s sad, I’m sorry that’s happened to you. And I’m sorry that she’s not being open about what’s wrong. I can only imagine that you’d be busy wracking your brain trying to work what you’ve done.

I’d hazard a guess you’ve done completely nothing wrong. I’d think perhaps your friend has had these reactions in the past and this is just your turn, sadly. There’s a reason sometimes that these friendships are so full on, you click immediately, you are best best friends and then they flame out fairly quickly afterwards. Some people burn through others, be it friendships or relationships with partners. Sounds like this has happened to you.

Thing to remember is it’s her that’s got the problem and not you. And unless you’ve slept with her boyfriend and forgotten, I doubt you’ve done anything so wrong it warrants ghosting.

I know I keep banging on about my teenage daughter in my posts, but I really find having these situations happen to someone close, and not me, really clarifies things. As I watch her struggle with the same things I can see it a lot clearer than if it were me being very sad.

Basically TLDR, I’m sorry this is happening to you, she’s probably never going to tell you what she thinks you did, and she’ll move on quickly to someone else and do the same to them. Big virtual hugs to you xx