Getting over an ex

[littlepup]

Hi everyone. My partner of 12 years and father of my daughter told me he didn't love me last week after a rough patch. He did the same last year and the year before but came back after a few months both times. This time he won't even speak to me there is no going back he says, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and that's that. It's always been a bit toxic, we don't have an awful lot in common anymore, we barely spend any time together and any try on my part to push for more time / commitment / progression has always been met with a no so I've gradually grown very resentful of him and had thought of ending the relationship myself more and more over the last few months, I haven't been happy for ages. He also has a real problem communicating with me, he let's things fester and then it all comes out at once and he ends it like this when he says he's fallen out of love with me and isn't happy. Thing is I've taken it really badly, we had a brief chat and he blamed me for the unhappiness, I was crying and shaking and hadn't eaten for days and he was so cold and just shouted at me that it was my fault and listed every way I'd made the relationship unhappy. It was a rough patch but I had no idea he was ready to end it. I can see it is an unhappy and broken relationship and that we had drifted apart but I'm absolutely devastated now. All I can think of is our memories and life together and I'm broken, I've cried for two full days now, I've begged him to reconcider, told him I'll fix me, fix anything but he won't budge, I feel helpless, I said I didn't want to live without him and told me to drive to the hospital and they will help me and went offline (I'm not suicidal I love my kids too much!). I don't know why I'm reacting like this. I've lost my dignity and pride, I'm so embarrassed but my heart aches for him now he's gone . I don't know what to do. Sorry if it's a jumble of words, I'm really struggling rn, not just with the pain but also why I'm feeling so much pain when I know the relationship doesn't work.

When I split with my ex I knew it was for the Best but I felt like didn’t know how to breathe without him, it physically hurt in my chest. So much of my identity was as part of that couple. I realise now is that you’re not just getting over the person, in fact that’s the easy part when it’s not right. You go from a stable place to the rug being ripped out from under you and your whole world and future changing. It’s a massive adjustment.

For me it was grieving what we were & what I thought we might be, losing the future I pictured, questioning why it didn’t work, is there something wrong with me, why do others make it work and we can’t? If I’d done differently, would it have worked? Was I not good enough, did I not deserve it?
Reminiscing about the really good times and grieving the fact that they won’t happen again, realising that part of my life is over.
Who am I if not so-and-so’s partner, how do I be single, how I you explain to people? Have I failed?
Resenting wasting my time, (for me wasting my fertility), maybe my youth & ‘looks’, my ‘prime’, being angry at giving so much of my life and energy to a situation that’s come to nothing.
Being scared of how to be with someone else, how to go about finding someone else, knowing if I even want someone else, what will be wrong with the next one, will I be ‘damaged’ from this relationship and struggle into the next….
All this shit so much more, that really want anything about actually missing my ex himself. I’m sure you situation will be different but equally as mind-fucking, I just list my thoughts so you know you’re not alone and you might identify with some. It’s not surprising that we go through hell after a breakup but realising what you’re missing, if it’s him or the comfort of him and what he represented might help.

Something better is out there for you and I hope you can quickly get to the point of being excited about that and avoid any self-destruction.

 

[Gemgemgemgem]

Oh big hug.
Think of it like this. There isn't room in yours and your kids life for this useless piece of maggot. He had to go to make room for bigger and better things.

Just pity who has to have him next. He'll probably tell her the line about you being a crazy ex....

Give it a month and you'll probably recoil in horror that you let this scumbag near your kids. You deserve better. You deserve so so so much better and so do your children.

 

[ss447ts3]

block them all ignore it, you’ll find something better and your worth so much more than this horrid man! Focus on yourself and your own happiness and something better will come along. I hope your ok x

Thank you so much for this it means more than you know. You’re right I know blocking it all out is the only way I’ll be able to move past it. I appreciate that a lot. I’m doing ok thank you for asking hopefully you are too x

 

[wilhelminaslater]

Bumping this thread up as I can’t start a new one yet

After coming out of a horrendous 4 year relationship where I was emotionally & physically abused (which ended in a trial), around 9 months later I met someone else

I thought I felt fine but it seems the trauma from the past has ruined this relationship for me. I always needed reassurance, panicked about silly things, I mean I was very affected at the start of the new relationship but he ended it in jan (5 months in) after not being able to cope with how I was dealing with the trial… 4 days later he came back home & life was good, I’d changed for the better because the trial was over so I had none of that stress, & then around a month ago he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me as he felt the messaging was too intense in the day (he was at a residential firefighter training thing for 8 weeks, back at weekends) I felt like it too but didn’t say anything as it didn’t bother me as much, but he came home one Friday & ended it, I pleaded with him to stay with me, he did & everything was fine again..

At this moment in time he’s nearly ended it again, said he can’t do it because of the past & my insecurities, me needing reassurance & things are fine and then slip back again (he knows all about my previous relationship), so I completely opened up to him, phoned my woman’s aid counsellor for weekly sessions, & felt so much better

He says he doesn’t know what to do, one min he’s adamant he’s leaving because he feels like things won’t change, the next he stays & doesn’t go anywhere and says we’ll give it a week - day 2 into this week & he’s not as affectionate with me anymore, our sex is still amazing but even in the night our spoons & cuddles feel different, he’s such a good man, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, he was loving, calm, affectionate, loyal, good with my children from previous relationship, when we’re good we have the best times, it’s me that’s ruined this & I’m devastated, I don’t know if he’s going to come home & feel a little better or be distant & not be able to look me in the eye, he has felt better after a few days before, all I know is I need him & due to issues in my head from my abusive relationship I’m the one at fault

I can’t eat, I’m numb, I can’t stop crying, he hasn’t gone yet but I can’t help but feel this is the end & as previous posters have said the thought of being without him, & him sharing his life with someone else instead of me kills me

Eta: I’m 28 he’s 23

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Thank you sweetie , I know I was thinking this , wonder what he tells the next one about me , probably all the lines I fell for . Half the time it’s them that make us psycho which he certainly did with me . He changed my personality, it hurts more when I think of my kids , it’s like I didn’t put them first . It’s a good job they couldn’t care less if they ever saw him again , just goes to show , I think kids are much better judges of character x

I wouldn't worry what he tells any future partners, His true colours will show to them eventually too and they will soon realise he was a lying, waste of space.

 

[Lovethesun]

Oh my. This is me right now. I broke up with my boyfriend at the weekend and I can’t stop thinking about him I spend my entire day checking to see if he’s online ... I need to get out of my own head

See I go the other way & delete everything , try to pretend he doesn’t exist .

 

[ss447ts3]

He truly sounds the lowest of the low. A despicable person for what he's said and done to you.

Yes as others have said, block him,on everything, change your phone number if he keeps popping up on different numbers/withheld. Make it impossible for him to ever reach you again.

Then concentrate on building yourself back up, surround yourself with people you love, do the things that make you happy, take extra care of yourself and really look after you like you are the most important person in the world.. Elevate yourself so God damn high that you never even think of this low life again.

I think in many many break ups two sides of the tale gets told, yes his side is a disgusting lie but you can't change what comes out of his mouth. Rise above it and walk away from it. The people you know and love know what's really happened and you just have to let go of anyone else. Holding on to worry about this is just preventing you from moving forward.

If you feel like you are struggling to process it all and move forward councelling might be an option. I struggled to process my break up and had about 6 sessions with a therapist but it changed my outlook dramatically and made my brain able to process and understand what happened better and allowed me to 'un blame' myself for things he had projected onto me etc

I hope that all makes sense, I've just woke up haha but I couldn't scroll past and not reply. Sending you love

It showed me you can know someone for a long time but you might not actually know the real them. Thank you for reminding me I really need to change my number ASAP.

That’s all I can do is focus on myself and the people who are genuine and make me feel good as well things that I enjoy doing cause I hate that I’ve allowed my mind to be constantly thinking about it all when I know it doesn’t bother him at all.

As long as I know I’m being completely honest and people who love me know it too thats what should matter most to me. I guess there was a part of me thinking now he’s close to this other girl and she knows about his life and I’m not part of it anymore when I was the girl he was close to for a much longer time. He cheated and called me all the names under the sun but I still found it hard to accept he doesn’t care about me anymore.

Thank you I never even thought about that maybe counseling after Christmas might be an option for me I’ll look into it cause I’m worried about my mental health I don’t feel like myself sometimes. It’s so good to hear the therapy helped you and I’m sorry that you went through all that blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault. I hope you’re doing better now. Thank you for replying and giving that advice because I’ve found it really hard. Sending you love too .

Wow! Thats is absolutely vile and I am so sorry someone could say some truly nasty things to you.

I havr had an ex comment on every part of me, my appearance, my weight, my family, my friends, my job, my social life... everything! And it is a way to control and hurt you, I think half the time he says the stuff he does because he wants me to bite and react and start messaging him to defend myself but instead i just let it go over my head, not saying it doesn't affect me because it does but those people are just not worth thinking about for a second longer... Block, ignore, move on. If some comments he has said do manage to get back to you just brush them off as best you can, you are better away from someone like that. Some other poor girls are getting his shit now x

I’m grateful for your response so thank you for that. I’m so sorry your ex was like I don’t understand how anyone can speak to someone like that without even feeling bad. You didn’t deserve any of that. I regret messaging that girl now even though at the time it felt right but the fact she didn’t listen to me I felt like an idiot and maybe sometimes you are better letting things go over your head and not addressing them.
You’re right it does hurt but you have to find a way to not let it control your life which is something I found difficult to do. I think it’s got to the point he is like a stranger to me I don’t recognise this nasty person. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most.I feel sorry for any poor girl who gets him next cause if he fooled me he could fool anyone x

I think that’s the hardest thing to get over sometimes . My ex fed me so much shit when I think about it now , telling me he’s lost without me , would never risk loosing me again etc , cuddling in bed the night before it ended ? I’m over 2 weeks into my breakup now & im doing a lot better , I’m sleeping again & my appetite is slowly coming back . I still hate myself for missing him though . Plus I’ve gone into stalker mode & seeing he’s already commenting sleazy things on other women’s Facebook pictures . This just makes me feel he never really gave a shit about me and my kids . You ask yourself “I wonder if he misses me” “does he think about me”? . I have good & bad days now , I’m going to stop checking Facebook , in fact I’ve blocked him now so I can’t see what he’s liking etc as this just gave me rage !!!!!!! . I feel stupid for picking such a wrongun & I know the man I did love actually never existed he was just a good actor . I want xmas to be over now & fresh new year . I think men as much as it’s nice to have one around can cause so much stress is it actually worth it . Maybe there is a mr right out there for me but I’m in no rush . Only thing I’d quite like right now is for him to get hit by a bus . I’ve always considered myself a strong independent woman , think I feel more of an idiot than anything .

I’m so sorry you have had to deal with all that I hope your mental health has improved. That messed me up too cause he fed me so much lies that I believed and for him to turn around and do the things he did it messed with my head. I have good days and bad days still but I know I’m never going to get an apology from him and it’s too late for one anyway it wouldn’t mean anything to me now. I don’t miss him in a loving way I wouldn’t want him back but I think I’m more hurt than anything someone could do that to me.
To hear him say things like “she’s crazy , she’s a psycho , we broke up a long time ago she won’t accept it, I barely even know her, she’s lying and she’s scaring me ” all this coming out of his mouth just because I got upset he cheated on me and told him where to go. Some people are so clever and able to play the victim and pass blame onto someone else. Your ex sounds disgusting they always move on so quick I’ve no idea what goes on inside their heads.
I want to focus on the new year too and hopefully it’ll be a better one for all of us.
Whether you’re on your own or with someone as long as you’re good mentally is what is important so make sure you look after your mind.
Don’t worry I’m sure we’ve all had that thought now and again haha.
I might not know you but you are a strong and independent woman you’ve just gone through a painful time so don’t call yourself an idiot cause if anything I admire your attitude.

My ex must have been on the drink yesterday because I have just noticed a message request on Instagram which is him on a fake profile.. calling me really disgusting things, telling me he hopes my boyfriend and I drop dead, that i should have died instead of my sister, that everyone hates me blah blah... heard it all before so it is fine but it just drums it in to me how lucky I was to get away from such toxic, nasty behaviour. This is the person I saw for a little while after the long term relationship and just goes to prove a point, do not jump into just any old relationship because you miss your ex, work on yourself, get into a good place mentally.. Biggest mistake I made! xx

He needs some seriously help if he’s going to be spending him messaging you abuse like that. Don’t take any of the things he’s saying to heart he’s clearly just out to hurt you wow I feel your pain. Maybe we’re all lucky to be shown someone’s true colours before we’re in too deep. The last thing I could even think of right now is dating again so I agree you have to focus on yourself and actually feel happy. I hope you’re ok xx

 

[MrsCranky]

He’s coming across as a young lad. Too young for the intensity.

I’m sorry to read this. I think once the doubt sets in then it can be quite hard to come back from. What do you mean by intense messaging? Maybe write them in your notes instead of sending them to him - it will help get the words off your chest.

I have a mood book, okay I'm on book number 5. I write a lot in between my hobbies trying to make sense of the day. It works very well to write. I was always drawing before that and I like to play chess

 

[candyland_]

Bumping this thread up as I can’t start a new one yet

After coming out of a horrendous 4 year relationship where I was emotionally & physically abused (which ended in a trial), around 9 months later I met someone else

I thought I felt fine but it seems the trauma from the past has ruined this relationship for me. I always needed reassurance, panicked about silly things, I mean I was very affected at the start of the new relationship but he ended it in jan (5 months in) after not being able to cope with how I was dealing with the trial… 4 days later he came back home & life was good, I’d changed for the better because the trial was over so I had none of that stress, & then around a month ago he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me as he felt the messaging was too intense in the day (he was at a residential firefighter training thing for 8 weeks, back at weekends) I felt like it too but didn’t say anything as it didn’t bother me as much, but he came home one Friday & ended it, I pleaded with him to stay with me, he did & everything was fine again..

At this moment in time he’s nearly ended it again, said he can’t do it because of the past & my insecurities, me needing reassurance & things are fine and then slip back again (he knows all about my previous relationship), so I completely opened up to him, phoned my woman’s aid counsellor for weekly sessions, & felt so much better

He says he doesn’t know what to do, one min he’s adamant he’s leaving because he feels like things won’t change, the next he stays & doesn’t go anywhere and says we’ll give it a week - day 2 into this week & he’s not as affectionate with me anymore, our sex is still amazing but even in the night our spoons & cuddles feel different, he’s such a good man, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, he was loving, calm, affectionate, loyal, good with my children from previous relationship, when we’re good we have the best times, it’s me that’s ruined this & I’m devastated, I don’t know if he’s going to come home & feel a little better or be distant & not be able to look me in the eye, he has felt better after a few days before, all I know is I need him & due to issues in my head from my abusive relationship I’m the one at fault

I can’t eat, I’m numb, I can’t stop crying, he hasn’t gone yet but I can’t help but feel this is the end & as previous posters have said the thought of being without him, & him sharing his life with someone else instead of me kills me

Eta: I’m 28 he’s 23

I’m sorry to read this. I think once the doubt sets in then it can be quite hard to come back from. What do you mean by intense messaging? Maybe write them in your notes instead of sending them to him - it will help get the words off your chest.

 

[Lovethesun]

Can’t totally relate to how you feel - I was dumped, out of the blue, in April after a 4 year relationship. I’ve questioned myself so many times if it was my fault, what could have been etc... it just isn’t worth the mental torture. Something inside me still pings when I see someone with his name on TV/Radio, seeing couples on TV... it’s still very raw but I know deep down it was meant to happen this way and better things are coming. Don’t get me wrong, it’s only recently I’ve felt like this. I was a crying mess for weeks/months, not sleeping/eating/or even showering.

The best thing I could advise is to take each day as it comes, try and look at each day as another day closer to feeling happier, and really focus on yourself and your kids x

Aw thankyou . I know deep down it’s for the best , I just worry now about being on my own forever , will I ever meet anyone right for me . And I think I just need reassurance that I won’t feel this way forever . When I split with my husband (father of my kids) it was so different , we split amicably I had time to process it & we still get on well for the kids now . I’ve just never dealt with these feelings before

 

[Lovethesun]

Oh first thing I did was delete his number , delete all the pictures . Remove him off social media etc . I won’t check up on him either I know I wont .

Another thing aswell , I’d made him this picture book for his birthday with pictures of us & quotes we like etc , once he’d gone I turned the house upside down but he’s took it with him ? . This confused me , why would he take it ? I was convinced he would of left it behind because he’s not sentimental . Unless he just took it & binned it ! Which is what I was gonna do if I found it .

 

[Bellaboonew12]

Thank you so much for your reply. It just helps knowing others have been through similar, I was thinking I was going crazy. Its so lonely. Yes I'll definitely look into councelling, I'm holding so much anger for him and for the situation, I don't know how to let it go, it's so not like me so councelling is a good idea. I can totally relate to needing to understand I deserve better, I know that in my heart but right now I can't get past losing him, perhaps it's just something I need to be sad about until the emotions pass, its only been a week so far. Thanks again for your reply, it's really helped x

 

[wilhelminaslater]

I’m sorry to read this. I think once the doubt sets in then it can be quite hard to come back from. What do you mean by intense messaging? Maybe write them in your notes instead of sending them to him - it will help get the words off your chest.

It’s so hard because he’s said it before & been fine it seems like his go to before he’s actually decided & then decides he wants me again, but it’s harder for me each time, & he meant like we’d message in the morning, his lunch break & when he’s done & have a call before bed, not the content of them just how often which I agreed with because it was a bit like we have nothing to talk about at the end of the day! But again, he goes to nearly leaving me before trying to resolve it which eventually worked! My head is mush x