Getting over an ex

[RedMagnolia]

Mine has sent me a Christmas card No contact since September (we met up to try and talk things over) then this appears this morning. It’s like he’s trying to still be present in my life. It’s just thrown me off completely as I was trying to get my head in the space of enjoying Christmas with my family and taking care of myself as I struggle this time of year. Bloody men!!!

Stick it straight in the recycling bin. Or burn it.

 

[Raininvain]

He sounds absolutely bloody awful, even one of those things should have been reason to get rid of him. I think work on your self esteem and look at why you put up with such an utter oaf in the first place?
You will get over it and when you meet someone else, if they do any of those listed things once then get rid of them straight away.

 

[Bellaboonew12]

Hi everyone. My partner of 12 years and father of my daughter told me he didn't love me last week after a rough patch. He did the same last year and the year before but came back after a few months both times. This time he won't even speak to me there is no going back he says, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and that's that. It's always been a bit toxic, we don't have an awful lot in common anymore, we barely spend any time together and any try on my part to push for more time / commitment / progression has always been met with a no so I've gradually grown very resentful of him and had thought of ending the relationship myself more and more over the last few months, I haven't been happy for ages. He also has a real problem communicating with me, he let's things fester and then it all comes out at once and he ends it like this when he says he's fallen out of love with me and isn't happy. Thing is I've taken it really badly, we had a brief chat and he blamed me for the unhappiness, I was crying and shaking and hadn't eaten for days and he was so cold and just shouted at me that it was my fault and listed every way I'd made the relationship unhappy. It was a rough patch but I had no idea he was ready to end it. I can see it is an unhappy and broken relationship and that we had drifted apart but I'm absolutely devastated now. All I can think of is our memories and life together and I'm broken, I've cried for two full days now, I've begged him to reconcider, told him I'll fix me, fix anything but he won't budge, I feel helpless, I said I didn't want to live without him and told me to drive to the hospital and they will help me and went offline (I'm not suicidal I love my kids too much!). I don't know why I'm reacting like this. I've lost my dignity and pride, I'm so embarrassed but my heart aches for him now he's gone . I don't know what to do. Sorry if it's a jumble of words, I'm really struggling rn, not just with the pain but also why I'm feeling so much pain when I know the relationship doesn't work.

 

[Alexaj]

You really sound like you miss the idea of a boyfriend, rather than actually missing him.

I was about to post the same thing. Sharing a bed? Someone to come home to? With all due respect, you could get a dog (or cat) for that.

 

[House of Tea]

Yes maybe but he shouldn't be playing with someone's mind and heart. 3 things a person shouldn't break, promises, trust and someone's heart. He's coming across as a hot and cold person. I've encountered those people before. If you have to chase after someone then they are not worth having. Some people aren't meant to stay in your life. Never waste your feelings on people who don't value them

He’s coming across as a young lad. Too young for the intensity. They are at different stages.

 

[Princesst]

Hi everyone. My partner of 12 years and father of my daughter told me he didn't love me last week after a rough patch. He did the same last year and the year before but came back after a few months both times. This time he won't even speak to me there is no going back he says, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and that's that. It's always been a bit toxic, we don't have an awful lot in common anymore, we barely spend any time together and any try on my part to push for more time / commitment / progression has always been met with a no so I've gradually grown very resentful of him and had thought of ending the relationship myself more and more over the last few months, I haven't been happy for ages. He also has a real problem communicating with me, he let's things fester and then it all comes out at once and he ends it like this when he says he's fallen out of love with me and isn't happy. Thing is I've taken it really badly, we had a brief chat and he blamed me for the unhappiness, I was crying and shaking and hadn't eaten for days and he was so cold and just shouted at me that it was my fault and listed every way I'd made the relationship unhappy. It was a rough patch but I had no idea he was ready to end it. I can see it is an unhappy and broken relationship and that we had drifted apart but I'm absolutely devastated now. All I can think of is our memories and life together and I'm broken, I've cried for two full days now, I've begged him to reconcider, told him I'll fix me, fix anything but he won't budge, I feel helpless, I said I didn't want to live without him and told me to drive to the hospital and they will help me and went offline (I'm not suicidal I love my kids too much!). I don't know why I'm reacting like this. I've lost my dignity and pride, I'm so embarrassed but my heart aches for him now he's gone . I don't know what to do. Sorry if it's a jumble of words, I'm really struggling rn, not just with the pain but also why I'm feeling so much pain when I know the relationship doesn't work.

Really relate to some things you’ve said here.

I honestly recommend paying for some counselling or see if you can get some on the NHS depending on your area. I went through a horrible break up after a much shorter, toxic, emotionally abusive relationship and honestly didn’t think I was/wanted to live through it. I loved him so much I had lost myself completely. I couldn’t accept it was over. I was in university at the time and dragged my broken self to the counsellor as I didn’t know what to do, where to go or how to go on. She taught me that everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship. It should be much more good than bad. Everyone has ups and downs but no one should ever feel anything less than total love and acceptance from a partner. It sounds like your partner is not supplying any of that to you and you have to learn that it’s what you deserve. It was the hardest thing I ever did but when you start to see the problem isn’t with you and some of these situations are textbook cases of toxic partners that others have been through, life becomes much clearer.

 

[under the ivy]

Hey it was me that originally started this thread . Just want to say Thankyou for everyone’s advice but honestly anyone going through a break up right now , the only healer is time , such a cliche but it really is . And blocking their social media & number - zero contact . It’s 8 weeks for me now & I got through Xmas , & I’m genuinely fine now . I’ve gone from thinking about him every second of the day to maybe a couple of times a day . Don’t get that sick pit of my stomach feeling anymore when I think about him & feel so much happier & care free . As the weeks pass it gets a million times better , even if you think you’ll never live without them . You do xx

It’s 8 months for me, I felt strong during Summer and then Winter came with christmas and birthday and I got through it, now I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I know I’ll get there and I have a lot to be hopeful for, for my future. Take care x

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I think that’s the hardest thing to get over sometimes . My ex fed me so much shit when I think about it now , telling me he’s lost without me , would never risk loosing me again etc , cuddling in bed the night before it ended ? I’m over 2 weeks into my breakup now & im doing a lot better , I’m sleeping again & my appetite is slowly coming back . I still hate myself for missing him though . Plus I’ve gone into stalker mode & seeing he’s already commenting sleazy things on other women’s Facebook pictures . This just makes me feel he never really gave a shit about me and my kids . You ask yourself “I wonder if he misses me” “does he think about me”? . I have good & bad days now , I’m going to stop checking Facebook , in fact I’ve blocked him now so I can’t see what he’s liking etc as this just gave me rage !!!!!!! . I feel stupid for picking such a wrongun & I know the man I did love actually never existed he was just a good actor . I want xmas to be over now & fresh new year . I think men as much as it’s nice to have one around can cause so much stress is it actually worth it . Maybe there is a mr right out there for me but I’m in no rush . Only thing I’d quite like right now is for him to get hit by a bus . I’ve always considered myself a strong independent woman , think I feel more of an idiot than anything .

If you think being in a relationship is more stress than it’s worth, then you’ve never been in a relationship with a decent guy. You will find one, there are plenty out there.

 

[Lovethesun]

I went through a particularly bad break up end of 2015, it sort of came out of nowhere and I was a complete mess! We had been together about 4 years. I wasn't eating, sleeping, I would just lie in bed all day. Had such bad anxiety and needed to go off on sick leave for a long time. I would continually text him, try and find out if he was seeing other people etc. He would always respond too which made it worse as I then felt we could work it out. It was as if I couldn't function. I even went out with my friend for drinks to take my mind off him but sat at the bar crying and loads of random girls just kept hugging me! Honestly, the only thing that really helps is TIME, it truly is a healer... I was so scared I would never, ever get over him. Even walking past places we went together would put a lump in my throat... It took months! But I started to feel happier... obviously as soon as I was in a better place he came back on the scene lol.. we got back together briefly but the damage was done and we broke up for good. I was much stronger then to deal with it, i wasn't so reliant on him for happiness. I had always just been remembering the good times, never remembered the arguments or how he would only want to spend time with me on weekends, never during the week, He would complain if I hadn't done his housework. Call me horrible names etc. I need to remember his new GF will be getting all his shit now!

If you find yourself checking his social media etc then block him... I used to torture myself with that.

Getting over an Ex is easily one of the hardest things I have ever done. Don't be too hard on yourself & take the time to get yourself into a happy place without relying on someone else for that happiness.

There is someone out there for you! I met my current partner of 2.5 yrs when I was least expecting to.. It happens.. what will be will be x

Thank you , I really needed to hear this , the thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick , but your right , they will just have to put up with it all instead . I didn’t let him do what he wanted , think I’ve come across a bit of a mug , but I didn’t I did bring stuff up a lot & he’d change for a bit , but I think that was more the problem I couldn’t change him from the man he was & ive not got the character to be a pushover I’m too strong minded , he needs someone a bit less strong willed who will put up with his shit .
It’s not even been 2 weeks so I think I’m just being impatient , just wish I could erase my memory , how easy would that be !! Or turn back time & never had replied to his DM x

O

He sounds absolutely bloody awful, even one of those things should have been reason to get rid of him. I think work on your self esteem and look at why you put up with such an utter oaf in the first place?
You will get over it and when you meet someone else, if they do any of those listed things once then get rid of them straight away.

Oaf . I know I could kick myself , when he’s not at mine he slept on his mums sofa lol . I read it back and think what was I thinking

 

[Miss98]

Oh my. This is me right now. I broke up with my boyfriend at the weekend and I can’t stop thinking about him I spend my entire day checking to see if he’s online ... I need to get out of my own head

Honestly, the best and only thing to do is block him. Then you won't be tempted to check up on him, what he's doing, when he's online etc. My friend was dead against it when I advised him to do it because the first process of blocking her was tough, but in the long run, it actually helped him to move on and stop getting tempted to reach out or mull over her.

 

[Sunflower91]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in with my own tale of woe...and wondering when time is going to get around to healing things! I was with a guy for about four years and he left me for someone else over five years ago. He actually broke up with me by text at first, I pushed for a phone call and he told me he'd met someone else, she was amazing and that was that. He suggested trying to stay friends and I said no as my heart was literally broken - he told me to bin anything he'd left at mine and wished me good luck. I got busy with 'no contact' and it was a really rough few months for me as we'd been incredibly close and his absence was everywhere. In the years since he's reached out a couple of times, culminating in a declaration of his undying love for me a couple of years ago, she meant nothing, I was what he wanted etc. etc. Needless to say I didn't give in, and when he didn't get the answer he wanted he spewed a few expletives at me and that was that (all of this was in call/text, I've never seen him in person since before he broke up with me). Since the breakup I've dated here and there but nothing has stuck, and this guy is in my mind most days. Not in a 'I want him back' kinda way, more a 'how could he do what he did to me' kind of way. We don't really have any shared friends anymore so I don't know what happened to him after...or rather I didn't until I googled him today.

Do not google them! It turns out he's still with the woman he left me for, and I can't explain how that makes me feel. I had hoped karma would catch up to him and he'd get his so to speak...but no, they're still together all these years later. Rationally I know he's no loss to me and I've seen the lengths he will go to to hurt me. So why am I still stuck thinking about what happened, what he did?! Will I ever be free of him? I'm almost mad at myself for not being able to fully get over him, all these years later. I don't think he's the one that got away....at least I hope not. When does this get better? xx

I can relate to this so much. I dated a guy for almost 6 years and found out he’d got engaged to a girl whilst with me. I’ll admit I kept tab, they got married and 5+ years on they still appear to be married. He’d begged me to stay. Similar to you, it was never in an “I miss you” way or that I wanted him back. But him being in my head was frustrating. It wasn’t until I started therapy when I realised it was mostly just pure rage. I was waiting for karma, for some kind of retribution. I felt like he’d completely ruined me, that I’d never trust again. Once I realised it was anger and could express it I found it much easier to move on and not spend my energy waiting for him to get his comeuppance. So I guess my advice is talk about it- as much as you want and keep talking about it. Work out the emotions and feel them.

 

[Lovethesun]

I think that’s the hardest thing to get over sometimes . My ex fed me so much shit when I think about it now , telling me he’s lost without me , would never risk loosing me again etc , cuddling in bed the night before it ended ? I’m over 2 weeks into my breakup now & im doing a lot better , I’m sleeping again & my appetite is slowly coming back . I still hate myself for missing him though . Plus I’ve gone into stalker mode & seeing he’s already commenting sleazy things on other women’s Facebook pictures . This just makes me feel he never really gave a shit about me and my kids . You ask yourself “I wonder if he misses me” “does he think about me”? . I have good & bad days now , I’m going to stop checking Facebook , in fact I’ve blocked him now so I can’t see what he’s liking etc as this just gave me rage !!!!!!! . I feel stupid for picking such a wrongun & I know the man I did love actually never existed he was just a good actor . I want xmas to be over now & fresh new year . I think men as much as it’s nice to have one around can cause so much stress is it actually worth it . Maybe there is a mr right out there for me but I’m in no rush . Only thing I’d quite like right now is for him to get hit by a bus . I’ve always considered myself a strong independent woman , think I feel more of an idiot than anything .

I really feel for you in your situation!! I hope you’re ok! I’ve tried to make my own thread about a problem I’m having but it isn’t giving me the option. I was in a year and a half relationship with a guy. I always trusted him but I think I was too trusting. I’ve been very unwell for a long time now and for all of January 2020 and February 2020 I was in hospital but late February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me ( he’s my ex now obviously) it really broke me because he didn’t even feel bad about it and he told me the reason was cause my illness had me look unattractive and he felt he was settling for less . I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore and I was so upset even saying that to him but I think he thought I’d forgive him and he didn’t like the fact that I was standing up for myself so he told me he had been in a secret 4 month relationship with another girl and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to be with him anymore cause he had her. He told me her name and was bragging about it and I believed what he was saying cause they followed eachother on Instagram so I was even more hurt again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it it was coming between me and my sleep that this girl isn’t even aware he’s been messing us both about so in the moment I decided to message her to let her know what was going on. It was as nice as message as could be but I don’t think she took it the right away unfortunately so she told my ex about it and of course he denied everything and immediately messaged me. He put me down , slagged me off and basically told me that he and this new girl where happy together , he finds her more attractive and that she wasn’t a burden that she had good health something I’d never have. I disappeared off social media for a while cause I was so hurt and depressed over everything. I then realised he had made the whole thing up about dating her just to hurt me. 2 months later I messaged the girl again saying I’m sorry if you felt I got you involved in that situation the last thing I wanted to do was make it seem I had an issue with you and I hope you can see where I was coming from at the time. Thankfully she replied and was nice and I felt a lot better after that conversation cause she listened to what I had to say. I was able to move on properly then but a couple months later I got a message from my ex asking me would I be able to message some girl for him and tell her I’m his friend and that he’s a good guy to date. I didn’t reply and just blocked him . He went on a date with some random girl and told her about a scar I have from one of my surgeries and how he found it disgusting to look at. She was able to find out my name from during conversation which led her to finding my Instagram where she messaged me and told me what he had been saying and that she wanted me to be aware cause she felt uncomfortable him degrading me like that . More time went by I have been in and out of hospital and focusing on myself but recently I received a phone call off a random number it turned out to be my ex and he told me how he and the girl he pretended to be in a relationship with are now best friends and that that they both think I’m crazy , a psycho and both are normal as they aren’t always sick every 5 minutes. I’m 21 and I know the fact 10 months later this still hurts me may be ridiculous but I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I can’t message the girl again even though I want to defend myself but I’ll look obsessed and crazy and he seems to be able to fool everyone into thinking he’s innocent when I’ve been put through so much by him. I feel so lost and it’s hard to focus on things fully cause I feel like he’s got away with it all. I’m also so unwell to the point I don’t know what my future is looking like or if I even have one and I feel so many things have been left so messy it’s ruined my mental health more than anyone could ever know. His last message to me ever was him telling me the relationship wasn’t real to him nothing he felt was real. What would anyone else do in this situation?

Block , ignore , stay off social media , try to forget about him , he sounds awful . The more I read these threads the more I realise some men really are vile & selfish . Let some other poor bugger have him , that’s my attitude now . I’m free

 

[Clairer86]

I really feel for you in your situation!! I hope you’re ok! I’ve tried to make my own thread about a problem I’m having but it isn’t giving me the option. I was in a year and a half relationship with a guy. I always trusted him but I think I was too trusting. I’ve been very unwell for a long time now and for all of January 2020 and February 2020 I was in hospital but late February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me ( he’s my ex now obviously) it really broke me because he didn’t even feel bad about it and he told me the reason was cause my illness had me look unattractive and he felt he was settling for less . I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore and I was so upset even saying that to him but I think he thought I’d forgive him and he didn’t like the fact that I was standing up for myself so he told me he had been in a secret 4 month relationship with another girl and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to be with him anymore cause he had her. He told me her name and was bragging about it and I believed what he was saying cause they followed eachother on Instagram so I was even more hurt again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it it was coming between me and my sleep that this girl isn’t even aware he’s been messing us both about so in the moment I decided to message her to let her know what was going on. It was as nice as message as could be but I don’t think she took it the right away unfortunately so she told my ex about it and of course he denied everything and immediately messaged me. He put me down , slagged me off and basically told me that he and this new girl where happy together , he finds her more attractive and that she wasn’t a burden that she had good health something I’d never have. I disappeared off social media for a while cause I was so hurt and depressed over everything. I then realised he had made the whole thing up about dating her just to hurt me. 2 months later I messaged the girl again saying I’m sorry if you felt I got you involved in that situation the last thing I wanted to do was make it seem I had an issue with you and I hope you can see where I was coming from at the time. Thankfully she replied and was nice and I felt a lot better after that conversation cause she listened to what I had to say. I was able to move on properly then but a couple months later I got a message from my ex asking me would I be able to message some girl for him and tell her I’m his friend and that he’s a good guy to date. I didn’t reply and just blocked him . He went on a date with some random girl and told her about a scar I have from one of my surgeries and how he found it disgusting to look at. She was able to find out my name from during conversation which led her to finding my Instagram where she messaged me and told me what he had been saying and that she wanted me to be aware cause she felt uncomfortable him degrading me like that . More time went by I have been in and out of hospital and focusing on myself but recently I received a phone call off a random number it turned out to be my ex and he told me how he and the girl he pretended to be in a relationship with are now best friends and that that they both think I’m crazy , a psycho and both are normal as they aren’t always sick every 5 minutes. I’m 21 and I know the fact 10 months later this still hurts me may be ridiculous but I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I can’t message the girl again even though I want to defend myself but I’ll look obsessed and crazy and he seems to be able to fool everyone into thinking he’s innocent when I’ve been put through so much by him. I feel so lost and it’s hard to focus on things fully cause I feel like he’s got away with it all. I’m also so unwell to the point I don’t know what my future is looking like or if I even have one and I feel so many things have been left so messy it’s ruined my mental health more than anyone could ever know. His last message to me ever was him telling me the relationship wasn’t real to him nothing he felt was real. What would anyone else do in this situation?

I just read your comment, and i couldnt react without writing you a little comment.
I was shocked when you said you are only 21 as you seem really mature; and you have been through such a lot and it breaks my heart that someone so young has been through all this shit.
Please dont ever blame yourself for any of this, your ex is the biggest fucking cunt and a complete waste of space; he is a fucking scumbag and you are well rid of him. I really hope that in 10 years time (or even 5 years time) you will be able to look back on this and see it for what it is. And you will hopefully think why the fuck did i waste my time on that cunt- it may not seem like it yet, but trust me you will.
I wish you all the love and happiness, and i have no doubt that when the time is right you will meet a man, or men who are respectful, would never use your health issues against you, and that are decent humans. xxx

 

[littlepup]

I spend my entire day checking to see if he’s online ... I need to get out of my own head

Block him, it's the only way to stop doing it in my experience

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

When we broke up he kept me on social media and posted a status about some show he was watching on the Saturday night, and the girl he went out for drinks with who was just a ''friend'' had commented on the status, they were having a little flirt and It felt like someone had just ripped my heart out but I was torturing myself, I still wouldn't delete him. I would post selfies of me smiling and looking good... post status' when I was in a bar with my mates... Even though I was heartbroken and miserable.. Nothing good comes of keeping them on social media, getting the urge to check.. its like a form of self harm, you know it will hurt but you look anyway!

Now I always tell anyone, get them blocked.. Do not put yourself through it as you will heal quicker, as the days go on he urge to look will get smaller and smaller, or one day instead of it being the first thing you want to do as you open your eyes, the urge just is not there..

The narcistic Ex I had after the long term one still makes fake profiles to see what I am up to (nearly 2.5/3years on) as I have him blocked everywhere but I have everything locked down pretty much, thats a story for a different day haha. #

Also, Don't overthink him taking the scrapbook you had made. I would question wee things like this too.. When he brought some of my stuff to me, he didn't bring it all so that made me think he still cared. Reality was he just didn't really think to pack it all up at the time... Try not to focus on that now x

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

As others have said, he sounds like an arsehole and you’re lucky to be rid of him to be honest. I have seen some comments you have made on another thread and I do think this guy has clouded your judgment of men. Not all men are like this, not all men cheat and lie and go behind their partner’s back. There are good men out there.

firstly you just need to work on your self worth, if you don’t respect yourself and set expectations for how you want people to treat you, then you will end up with another man like this one. You need to forget about him and move on, he’s a waste of space, don’t let any man treat you the way that one did, it’s not acceptable.

please don’t ever go back to him. I was with a pretty crappy guy for almost year, he didn’t cheat, but he just didn’t allow time for me. Eventually I said no more and I got rid. I’ve now been with my current partner for almost six years. He is amazing, he would never cheat or flirt behind my back, he does his fair share and he’s kind.

be good to yourself, set aspirations of the type of man you want, don’t settle for arseholes!

 

[House of Tea]

23 is still quite a young lad. Maybe he just wants to have a more light hearted relationship. You might think that 5 years is no age difference but you are on a different wavelength. You are still young but maybe you are wanting to settle down more at this stage, and he is not ready to.

 

[LucilleBluth]

I feel ya! The conflicting feelings are the worst part of this! Our brains are crazy things.

I know full well that my ex was bad for me and can list several reasons why. I have a realistic view of him now, the rose tint has faded. I don’t put him on a pedestal any more. I don’t want to see him ever again or be in touch with him.

But the thought of him with someone else, loving someone else more than he loved me, still makes my heart lurch. Isn’t it weird?!

 

[Papparazzo]

Sending you the biggest hugs. I’ve been there. Knowing someone is weighing up the relationship is brutal. And when in theory it “should” work, but just isn’t or won’t, it’s even harder.

I had a breakup right before lockdown 1, and for me that timing turned out to be a blessing (very much) in disguise. If it had been normal times, I would have just thrown myself into being busy, dating again, and not really confronting things.

Nearly a year later, I feel like I understand myself and the world better, and feel like the best version of myself I’ve ever been (minus the grown out roots and lingering Christmas weight gain, anyway).

Just wanted to offer another perspective on a lockdown breakup in case it helps in the coming days.

ETA: It hasn’t taken an entire year to feel better, so don’t let that panic you!

Thankyou for this. It's only been a week but after some long chats with friends, I've come to realise on the day he left (after what to me appeared to be a trivial argument) there was nothing more I could do. I have a lot going for me in that I'm independent, good job, own own home and a beautiful daughter to look after that I just hope better days are coming.

That said, I miss him. Companionship, affection, love and the support he gave me. However, the rose tinted glasses are coming off. He's a good man, he really is, but sometimes things just don't work out.

Thankyou all so so much for responses, it really actually helps x

 

[Lovethesun]

I can’t wait till the day I don’t think about him or wonder what he’s doing every second of the day .......... it’s still very raw , I think because of how it ended aswell , I need a bit more closure but we won’t have contact now . I’ll just learn to live with it . I do have a busy life & im fine when I’m busy , just the loneliness kicks in when I’m then home by myself . But your all right , he caused me more stress when we were together , in some ways it’s like a weight has been lifted . But to spend everyday for 18 months with someone then one day they are just gone , I’m going to miss him x

I was about to post the same thing. Sharing a bed? Someone to come home to? With all due respect, you could get a dog (or cat) for that.

I’ve got a dog , and to be fair she’s much better company