Getting over an ex

[Lovethesun]

We will be fine girls , I genuinely think women are much stronger emotionally than men , that’s why we process a breakup properly & they seem to move on quicker but that’s because men can’t be on their own , constantly need their ego feeding & sex on tap . They move on for a distraction rather than deal with their emotions . A year from now I hope we are still on this thread laughing about how we were all feeling and how different life is

 

[ProphecyGirl]

Times a healer, it's not the worse thing in the world though you think it is right now. You will get over it, I promise.
I was in a 8 year relationship and I thought my world was ending when he left, over time you notice their bad flaws (which in your case it sounds like he kinda did have some) and that's all you will think about. Focus on yourself and try to enjoy yourself, I know it's hard to do right now.

I've since had another boyfriend, which wasn't too serious and had a 'thing' with a couple other. Did I love them? Maybe in a strange way. Was I IN love? Not at all, but I thought I was. Sometimes lust can be mistaken for love.

It's also missing going home to someone, falling asleep, date nights out or spending time together cuddles up. I miss it. But sometimes that's what you miss more than the actual person

If you ever feel down, comment on here!! There's always a thread going you can get involved with!

 

[Lovethesun]

Your right , I let myself & my kids down letting him in my life . My kids deserve better & I’ll never let them down like this again . It’s so hard to love & hate someone at the same time . Think it’s this time of year just makes it worse aswell

 

[LucilleBluth]

Something inside me still pings when I see someone with his name on TV/Radio, seeing couples on TV...

Oh god, SAME. Their name, place they were born, place they work, a top they had, etc. It’s torture! And the couples thing too. In TV and real life Thank you for saying that. I thought I was the only one.

To the OP, I totally get the thing about missing someone being around. Having a dog will help loads I’m sure! But the experience you’re going through is rough so I feel your pain. It will pass, but it’s shit at the time. Sending hugs and good vibes.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Someone I knew sent my daughter a Christmas card yesterday. He has never even met her so I’m taking it as a dig of some sort as he didn’t include my name.

 

[littlepup]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in with my own tale of woe...and wondering when time is going to get around to healing things! I was with a guy for about four years and he left me for someone else over five years ago. He actually broke up with me by text at first, I pushed for a phone call and he told me he'd met someone else, she was amazing and that was that. He suggested trying to stay friends and I said no as my heart was literally broken - he told me to bin anything he'd left at mine and wished me good luck. I got busy with 'no contact' and it was a really rough few months for me as we'd been incredibly close and his absence was everywhere. In the years since he's reached out a couple of times, culminating in a declaration of his undying love for me a couple of years ago, she meant nothing, I was what he wanted etc. etc. Needless to say I didn't give in, and when he didn't get the answer he wanted he spewed a few expletives at me and that was that (all of this was in call/text, I've never seen him in person since before he broke up with me). Since the breakup I've dated here and there but nothing has stuck, and this guy is in my mind most days. Not in a 'I want him back' kinda way, more a 'how could he do what he did to me' kind of way. We don't really have any shared friends anymore so I don't know what happened to him after...or rather I didn't until I googled him today.

Do not google them! It turns out he's still with the woman he left me for, and I can't explain how that makes me feel. I had hoped karma would catch up to him and he'd get his so to speak...but no, they're still together all these years later. Rationally I know he's no loss to me and I've seen the lengths he will go to to hurt me. So why am I still stuck thinking about what happened, what he did?! Will I ever be free of him? I'm almost mad at myself for not being able to fully get over him, all these years later. I don't think he's the one that got away....at least I hope not. When does this get better? xx

Honestly, sounds like the guy’s an absolute arsehole… which can make you think ‘how did I not see it, why did I waste my time?’ And lots of other self doubting things but the sooner you can see that the problem was his and not you, the sooner you can be free of the legacy of that relationship.

I may have totally missed the mark so apologies if this is wrong but It sounds like you’re fixating on this guy as a symbol of your own feelings rather than any interest in him himself. I’m no psychologist but it seems like there’s a lot tied into that relationship and how it broke down in terms of feelings of inadequacy, questioning your own actions, comparisons, wondering if you’re unworthy due to how he ended it etc
Like the guy is inconsequential but you’d really benefit from tackling the bigger emotions and how he’s made you feel.
I don’t know where you start tbh with healing from how someone has made you feel but I guess recognising it is a good first step.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Thank you , I really needed to hear this , the thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick , but your right , they will just have to put up with it all instead . I didn’t let him do what he wanted , think I’ve come across a bit of a mug , but I didn’t I did bring stuff up a lot & he’d change for a bit , but I think that was more the problem I couldn’t change him from the man he was & ive not got the character to be a pushover I’m too strong minded , he needs someone a bit less strong willed who will put up with his shit .
It’s not even been 2 weeks so I think I’m just being impatient , just wish I could erase my memory , how easy would that be !! Or turn back time & never had replied to his DM x

I was awful, I was literally reading forums and online advice etc on how to cope with giving him space, how to move on, how to get him back etc it was so bad, everyday would be like fresh pain as I would get a few hours sleep if I were lucky and then wake up and think about him all over again. The thought of him so much as even getting to know another person made me so ill and I missed him so much... When i found out he was going for drinks with a girl he told me was always just his friend i honestly felt as if the bottom fell out of my world, felt unfair i was there crying and breaking my heart over him and he was there getting on with his life with no cares in the world.

I even had to see a counsellor to talk it all through but I walked out of 6 weeks counselling feeling not miraculously cured but much more positive and happier in myself compared to the crying mess that walked in.. But i had very bad anxiety on top of this break up as was and I wasn't really a very strong girl in general.

But it really does get better and I mean that. I think sometimes heartbreak can be good for us, it gives us life lessons and we never forget the pain but we do come out stronger.

I actually met someone emotionally abusive a while after him, about 6 months later, who i saw on and off for a while but it was very toxic in many, many ways! Actually still contacts me now and again to just verbally abuse me, weird guy... So be careful that you don't just jump into something with someone else in the hope it will help you get over your ex quicker. Take the time to work on yourself, focus on your happiness Get yourself into a good place. You will meet someone worthy of you, maybe not today or next month, maybe not even next year but you will, and you will be much stronger for it.. x

 

[Lovethesun]

I live with depression/anxiety and this week has been tough for me, just going over things in my head about my ex.

I threw myself into my hobbies post-breakup during the first lockdown, started driving lessons again, went to the gym 3x a week, got on with my job. Then since New Year, I've taken such a big step back, mentally. The urge to stalk his social media has overwhelmed me, so I've blocked access to Twitter/Facebook etc on my web browsers. As soon as I get an urge to look, I do something else. It's hard and I just want the intrusive thoughts to stop!

I ended up looking at his Twitter the other day and saw that a girl had liked loads of his tweets and they followed each other. She looked his type - I used to jest with him that I was the opposite of his type. Just felt like a knife had gone in me and my self-esteem crumbled. He told me when he broke up with me that he didn't want a relationship and he wanted to be on his own....then I put 2+2 together (and came up with 5), and I immediately felt lied to. He's now blocked.

I don't want to date again, but I miss mixing with people. I'm a PhD student and I haven't met anyone else in my research group due to Covid. I think if I'd had the opportunity to be social in a non-Covid world, I think I wouldn't feel like this. I hope those days come soon.

It's strangely freeing to write it all down, even if I am telling strangers. I just needed to 'brain dump'. Take care everyone x

I’m a massive advocate for not checking their social media ...... can only cause you pain & anxiety . It’s tempting but try not too .

Thankyou for this. It's only been a week but after some long chats with friends, I've come to realise on the day he left (after what to me appeared to be a trivial argument) there was nothing more I could do. I have a lot going for me in that I'm independent, good job, own own home and a beautiful daughter to look after that I just hope better days are coming.

That said, I miss him. Companionship, affection, love and the support he gave me. However, the rose tinted glasses are coming off. He's a good man, he really is, but sometimes things just don't work out.

Thankyou all so so much for responses, it really actually helps x

It helps me loads people’s replies on here . Because at the time you feel like your the only person in the world feeling like that . And every other couple seems super happy which makes it worse . It’s just nice to know other people have been through it & come out the other side x

 

[BelleAmie]

I don’t have any advice because I’m in a similar boat myself but I feel your pain and I’m wishing you a quick moving on period. Like the others have said, it takes time; I’m such a believer in the idea that you have to just experience the emotions to fully get through it and move on - stuffing the emotions down will just prolong it because it all has to come out eventually.
Sending you love and hope you have lots of support around you.

 

[under the ivy]

Mine has sent me a Christmas card No contact since September (we met up to try and talk things over) then this appears this morning. It’s like he’s trying to still be present in my life. It’s just thrown me off completely as I was trying to get my head in the space of enjoying Christmas with my family and taking care of myself as I struggle this time of year. Bloody men!!!

 

[ss447ts3]

I really feel for you in your situation!! I hope you’re ok! I’ve tried to make my own thread about a problem I’m having but it isn’t giving me the option. I was in a year and a half relationship with a guy. I always trusted him but I think I was too trusting. I’ve been very unwell for a long time now and for all of January 2020 and February 2020 I was in hospital but late February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me ( he’s my ex now obviously) it really broke me because he didn’t even feel bad about it and he told me the reason was cause my illness had me look unattractive and he felt he was settling for less . I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore and I was so upset even saying that to him but I think he thought I’d forgive him and he didn’t like the fact that I was standing up for myself so he told me he had been in a secret 4 month relationship with another girl and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to be with him anymore cause he had her. He told me her name and was bragging about it and I believed what he was saying cause they followed eachother on Instagram so I was even more hurt again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it it was coming between me and my sleep that this girl isn’t even aware he’s been messing us both about so in the moment I decided to message her to let her know what was going on. It was as nice as message as could be but I don’t think she took it the right away unfortunately so she told my ex about it and of course he denied everything and immediately messaged me. He put me down , slagged me off and basically told me that he and this new girl where happy together , he finds her more attractive and that she wasn’t a burden that she had good health something I’d never have. I disappeared off social media for a while cause I was so hurt and depressed over everything. I then realised he had made the whole thing up about dating her just to hurt me. 2 months later I messaged the girl again saying I’m sorry if you felt I got you involved in that situation the last thing I wanted to do was make it seem I had an issue with you and I hope you can see where I was coming from at the time. Thankfully she replied and was nice and I felt a lot better after that conversation cause she listened to what I had to say. I was able to move on properly then but a couple months later I got a message from my ex asking me would I be able to message some girl for him and tell her I’m his friend and that he’s a good guy to date. I didn’t reply and just blocked him . He went on a date with some random girl and told her about a scar I have from one of my surgeries and how he found it disgusting to look at. She was able to find out my name from during conversation which led her to finding my Instagram where she messaged me and told me what he had been saying and that she wanted me to be aware cause she felt uncomfortable him degrading me like that . More time went by I have been in and out of hospital and focusing on myself but recently I received a phone call off a random number it turned out to be my ex and he told me how he and the girl he pretended to be in a relationship with are now best friends and that that they both think I’m crazy , a psycho and both are normal as they aren’t always sick every 5 minutes. I’m 21 and I know the fact 10 months later this still hurts me may be ridiculous but I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I can’t message the girl again even though I want to defend myself but I’ll look obsessed and crazy and he seems to be able to fool everyone into thinking he’s innocent when I’ve been put through so much by him. I feel so lost and it’s hard to focus on things fully cause I feel like he’s got away with it all. I’m also so unwell to the point I don’t know what my future is looking like or if I even have one and I feel so many things have been left so messy it’s ruined my mental health more than anyone could ever know. His last message to me ever was him telling me the relationship wasn’t real to him nothing he felt was real. What would anyone else do in this situation?

 

[littlepup]

I really feel for you in your situation!! I hope you’re ok! I’ve tried to make my own thread about a problem I’m having but it isn’t giving me the option. I was in a year and a half relationship with a guy. I always trusted him but I think I was too trusting. I’ve been very unwell for a long time now and for all of January 2020 and February 2020 I was in hospital but late February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me ( he’s my ex now obviously) it really broke me because he didn’t even feel bad about it and he told me the reason was cause my illness had me look unattractive and he felt he was settling for less . I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore and I was so upset even saying that to him but I think he thought I’d forgive him and he didn’t like the fact that I was standing up for myself so he told me he had been in a secret 4 month relationship with another girl and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to be with him anymore cause he had her. He told me her name and was bragging about it and I believed what he was saying cause they followed eachother on Instagram so I was even more hurt again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it it was coming between me and my sleep that this girl isn’t even aware he’s been messing us both about so in the moment I decided to message her to let her know what was going on. It was as nice as message as could be but I don’t think she took it the right away unfortunately so she told my ex about it and of course he denied everything and immediately messaged me. He put me down , slagged me off and basically told me that he and this new girl where happy together , he finds her more attractive and that she wasn’t a burden that she had good health something I’d never have. I disappeared off social media for a while cause I was so hurt and depressed over everything. I then realised he had made the whole thing up about dating her just to hurt me. 2 months later I messaged the girl again saying I’m sorry if you felt I got you involved in that situation the last thing I wanted to do was make it seem I had an issue with you and I hope you can see where I was coming from at the time. Thankfully she replied and was nice and I felt a lot better after that conversation cause she listened to what I had to say. I was able to move on properly then but a couple months later I got a message from my ex asking me would I be able to message some girl for him and tell her I’m his friend and that he’s a good guy to date. I didn’t reply and just blocked him . He went on a date with some random girl and told her about a scar I have from one of my surgeries and how he found it disgusting to look at. She was able to find out my name from during conversation which led her to finding my Instagram where she messaged me and told me what he had been saying and that she wanted me to be aware cause she felt uncomfortable him degrading me like that . More time went by I have been in and out of hospital and focusing on myself but recently I received a phone call off a random number it turned out to be my ex and he told me how he and the girl he pretended to be in a relationship with are now best friends and that that they both think I’m crazy , a psycho and both are normal as they aren’t always sick every 5 minutes. I’m 21 and I know the fact 10 months later this still hurts me may be ridiculous but I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I can’t message the girl again even though I want to defend myself but I’ll look obsessed and crazy and he seems to be able to fool everyone into thinking he’s innocent when I’ve been put through so much by him. I feel so lost and it’s hard to focus on things fully cause I feel like he’s got away with it all. I’m also so unwell to the point I don’t know what my future is looking like or if I even have one and I feel so many things have been left so messy it’s ruined my mental health more than anyone could ever know. His last message to me ever was him telling me the relationship wasn’t real to him nothing he felt was real. What would anyone else do in this situation?

This guy is an absolute lunatic!! He’s making up lies, still talking about you to random people months down the line and generally behaving in a really strange way. Perhaps he’s bitter you told him where to go and is now he’ll bent on revenge, I don’t know but this isn’t normal ‘post relationship’ behaviour. It’s harassment and bullying.
Block any contact, make all your social media private and don’t accept people you don’t know or with new profiles. If he manages to get through, tell him this is his only warning and if he contacts you again or continues to talk about you to people you will report him for harassment and slander.

 

[Blonde123]

I was about to post the same thing. Sharing a bed? Someone to come home to? With all due respect, you could get a dog (or cat) for that.

Cats are probably cleaner and tidier than a man tbf!

 

[Lovethesun]

All these stories are really helping me , I can’t thank you enough ! It’s funny how we only remember the good once they are gone . But there were lots of bad times too . I know I sound such a massive sap but I miss his voice , his smell , but it’s so good to hear it gets easier . My only fear is I’ll start feeling better then bam I hear he’s with somebody else & I’ll be back to square one . I just need to keep saying to myself , well at least he will be making his constant shit stains in her toilet

 

[O.J]

Time does heal, i found that out after 3 years. Wish it was sooner but now im in a good place.

 

[Cloak]

Ohhhh I so know how you feel. And it feels like it’ll never end. But the good news is, it will, eventually. Sadly the only real guaranteed healer is time, but you can use the time you now have to yourself to try and practice “self-care” and healing. And if that self care sometimes involves a bottle of wine in the bath, then do it

I was in your position last year and I felt so so so sad at points. I had never experienced it before. But I read loads and went to classes and saw friends and used it as a chance for reflection and growth and I’m so much happier now 🥲

it’ll get easier week by week, and eventually you won’t believe that you ever thought of him every day. Promise x

Oh and to echo other posters’ sentiments, it does sound like it’s not really him that you miss — it’s the company/idea of a boyfriend. Your actual person is out there somewhere and he’s heaps better than this one!

 

[under the ivy]

I’ve took a step back this week and been self-sabotaging I ended up looking at my ex on SM and seen that a girl has followed him and has been liking a few of his posts. I hadn’t looked him up for months and I felt strong, but my depression has been bad this week and I don’t know, I just looked. Now I’m hurt to think he’s moved on, and I’m here ‘alone’. I know I shouldn’t care and I know I’m wasting my valuable time looking him up but I think we’re all guilty of it? I just want to get over him!!!

eta: he actually text me and said ‘I’ve moved on’ really out of the blue. I deleted the text and blocked his number straight away. But that set off my already depressed mood to look him up.

 

[under the ivy]

Oh god, SAME. Their name, place they were born, place they work, a top they had, etc. It’s torture! And the couples thing too. In TV and real life Thank you for saying that. I thought I was the only one.

I was out yesterday & saw a guy with the same coat as him, had to double take and my heart went in my mouth! It’s such a shit feeling to get over!

 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

sending sexual texts to other women , could turn nasty sometimes

Just those two are reasons not to be with him.

 

[Bellaboo83]

My ex must have been on the drink yesterday because I have just noticed a message request on Instagram which is him on a fake profile.. calling me really disgusting things, telling me he hopes my boyfriend and I drop dead, that i should have died instead of my sister, that everyone hates me blah blah... heard it all before so it is fine but it just drums it in to me how lucky I was to get away from such toxic, nasty behaviour. This is the person I saw for a little while after the long term relationship and just goes to prove a point, do not jump into just any old relationship because you miss your ex, work on yourself, get into a good place mentally.. Biggest mistake I made! xx

How awful. You are on his mind obviously and he just wants to provoke a reaction because any communication is better than non to a person so toxic. Silence is by far the best come back from you