Getting over an ex

[BettyCrocker]

So here goes ....... Was seeing someone on & off for a year and a half & would say I did love him . Lots of things tested our relationship mainly caused by him , exes texting him , sending sexual texts to other women , could turn nasty sometimes , wasn’t particularly good with my kids , bit lazy , paid no money to help with bills although he practically lived with me ....... I could go on . It’s finally come to a definite end & although it wasn’t right , I miss him terribly , just little things like sharing a bed , hate coming home to an empty house , especially when my kids are with their dad . I miss the little texts throughout the day . I don’t want him but I can’t bare the thought of him with someone else . I’ve not eaten properly since the split & my sleeping isn’t great , just feel sick to my stomach constantly, how do I change my way of thinking , I’ve never been through a break up like this before .

first off he sounds like a total twat so I think you are well rid of him!!!!!

you need to work on yourself now. Build yourself back up with him or any other man. It sounds like you miss the idea of being in a relationship rather than him as a person so draw a line under him, it’s done, and start to explore your relationship with yourself and what it is you want out of life - not just romantically. Write it down - things you want to achieve, things you want to change, interests you have and start to work on them. Little steps, moving forward with your own life.
You will meet someone new, in time with its right but for now focus on yourself.

 

[under the ivy]

Can’t totally relate to how you feel - I was dumped, out of the blue, in April after a 4 year relationship. I’ve questioned myself so many times if it was my fault, what could have been etc... it just isn’t worth the mental torture. Something inside me still pings when I see someone with his name on TV/Radio, seeing couples on TV... it’s still very raw but I know deep down it was meant to happen this way and better things are coming. Don’t get me wrong, it’s only recently I’ve felt like this. I was a crying mess for weeks/months, not sleeping/eating/or even showering.

The best thing I could advise is to take each day as it comes, try and look at each day as another day closer to feeling happier, and really focus on yourself and your kids x

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Honestly it just takes time. Just keep thinking of the bad points to him and before you know it you will wonder why you ever liked him.

This time last year I was heartbroken and crying in the bath (lol) but I’m now happier than ever. I’ve learnt a lot about myself this year and I would never settle for what I did.

 

[bookworm1403]

Honestly, everything you fear when a relationship ends (him getting someone else, never forgetting him etc) are never as bad (imo) when they actually happen.

My ex was an amazing partner, and I'll always stand by that. But he was a shit ex boyfriend. He broke it off with me after 2 years quite suddenly the day before we were due to celebrate his gran's birthday in a big party away. He broke his family's hearts as well as mine and it truly was horrific. I had all the usual fears - what if he finds someone else? How will I ever cope without him? How do I not reach out? It was hell - I didn't sleep for 48 hours, had emergency sleeping pills (the stuff they give to bereaved people after a massive shock lol) and didn't eat for 9 days (bar some haribos that were bought for me on day 1 and lasted til day 9).

But he did move on first. Within a month actually. With a waitress he met at his gran's birthday meal. They'd been 'seeing' each other for 7 days before they went public and me and him still had each other on social media at this point. It was horrendous. I thought I'd never ever get over it. I hated her and I was so upset with him. I'd get this falling feeling in my stomach whenever his name was mentioned. Never thought I'd move on.

Moral of the story is - I did move on. I don't get the falling feeling anymore. I am passive towards him now, so much so we wish each other happy birthday and there's definitely no animosity. He split up with the new girlfriend after 3-ish months and is with someone new now. He sometimes shows up in a dream and there are very brief moments (usually around an anniversary or something) where he crosses my mind, but otherwise I am completely happy for both myself and him. Moving on is always associated with finding someone else etc, but honestly moving past a betrayal, a breakup is the best thing you can do. I'm so far past it I barely remember that heartbroken feeling anymore... but that may have something to do with the sleeping tablets

Sending lots of love your way. It isn't easy - but get a glass of wine, cry and sing it all out (as many times as you need - there's no shame in it) and I promise, with time, you will forget those feelings you're so afraid of having right now xx

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I went through a particularly bad break up end of 2015, it sort of came out of nowhere and I was a complete mess! We had been together about 4 years. I wasn't eating, sleeping, I would just lie in bed all day. Had such bad anxiety and needed to go off on sick leave for a long time. I would continually text him, try and find out if he was seeing other people etc. He would always respond too which made it worse as I then felt we could work it out. It was as if I couldn't function. I even went out with my friend for drinks to take my mind off him but sat at the bar crying and loads of random girls just kept hugging me! Honestly, the only thing that really helps is TIME, it truly is a healer... I was so scared I would never, ever get over him. Even walking past places we went together would put a lump in my throat... It took months! But I started to feel happier... obviously as soon as I was in a better place he came back on the scene lol.. we got back together briefly but the damage was done and we broke up for good. I was much stronger then to deal with it, i wasn't so reliant on him for happiness. I had always just been remembering the good times, never remembered the arguments or how he would only want to spend time with me on weekends, never during the week, He would complain if I hadn't done his housework. Call me horrible names etc. I need to remember his new GF will be getting all his shit now!

If you find yourself checking his social media etc then block him... I used to torture myself with that.

Getting over an Ex is easily one of the hardest things I have ever done. Don't be too hard on yourself & take the time to get yourself into a happy place without relying on someone else for that happiness.

There is someone out there for you! I met my current partner of 2.5 yrs when I was least expecting to.. It happens.. what will be will be x

 

[Lovethesun]

Hey it was me that originally started this thread . Just want to say Thankyou for everyone’s advice but honestly anyone going through a break up right now , the only healer is time , such a cliche but it really is . And blocking their social media & number - zero contact . It’s 8 weeks for me now & I got through Xmas , & I’m genuinely fine now . I’ve gone from thinking about him every second of the day to maybe a couple of times a day . Don’t get that sick pit of my stomach feeling anymore when I think about him & feel so much happier & care free . As the weeks pass it gets a million times better , even if you think you’ll never live without them . You do xx

 

[Ls2991]

You really sound like you miss the idea of a boyfriend, rather than actually missing him.

He sounds like a complete twat who has taken advantage of you because he knows you feel like you need someone.

Be single for a while, work out what you really want in life, what’s important to you, what you want from a partner. Honestly the thought of being single is so much worse than actually being single! It’s much more lonely being in a shit dead end relationship with a loser than being by yourself and focusing on you. It will take a bit of time but I promise you’ll feel better for it x

 

[RedMagnolia]

You need to write down a list of all the bad things - laziness, a skinflint, not good with your kids, sexting other women etc etc and every time you feel yourself yearning for him, read it out loud. You deserve better, you really do.

I had a horrible boyfriend once, we were together almost 3 years, and for whatever reason I forgave him for all his faults. He was crap with money, constantly in debt, he had a nasty temper and the most horrific road rage. He once got arrested for getting out of his car and punching the driver behind us. He lost his job for taking too many days off sick. He drank heavily. He didn't like me wearing make-up. He criticised my weight - I am 5ft 5 and around 9st, hardly a chubber. Why did I stay with him for so long? I'm not a stupid woman, but I think I felt I could rescue him from his bad boy ways, and he was good looking and charismatic.

The final straw came when he lost his temper with me when I refused to call his latest boss with some made up excuse as to why he wasn't going to work, and he whacked me over the head with a pewter tankard, fracturing my skull. I ended up in the same hospital where I worked and I had to stay in for observation for 3 days. During that time, something inside me changed and I never went back to him. I left everything of mine at the house we shared, and I moved in with a friend. Bizarrely though, I felt heartbroken at the time, and it took me months to get over him.

But life got better, I changed where I worked, dated some different guys, then met the man who is now my husband. I am so glad I saw the light and didn't settle for such a loser.

 

[LucilleBluth]

Thanks so much, these are lovely words. Obviously it's very raw (24 hours) but oh how it bloody hurts! He made the decision after much back and forth over the last few months, and i know it will be the best on the long run, but the sad fact is he is a good man, we just don't fit. That's what I'm finding more heartbreaking.

Thanks again for replying, it's so lonely especially in lockdown so to hear someone else's encouragement makes me feel better. Thankyou.

Sending you the biggest hugs. I’ve been there. Knowing someone is weighing up the relationship is brutal. And when in theory it “should” work, but just isn’t or won’t, it’s even harder.

I had a breakup right before lockdown 1, and for me that timing turned out to be a blessing (very much) in disguise. If it had been normal times, I would have just thrown myself into being busy, dating again, and not really confronting things.

Nearly a year later, I feel like I understand myself and the world better, and feel like the best version of myself I’ve ever been (minus the grown out roots and lingering Christmas weight gain, anyway).

Just wanted to offer another perspective on a lockdown breakup in case it helps in the coming days.

ETA: It hasn’t taken an entire year to feel better, so don’t let that panic you!

 

[Jaybtee]

mine cheated and got their ex pregnant- just had their baby and live down the road! It has been torture to say the least

 

[under the ivy]

I live with depression/anxiety and this week has been tough for me, just going over things in my head about my ex.

I threw myself into my hobbies post-breakup during the first lockdown, started driving lessons again, went to the gym 3x a week, got on with my job. Then since New Year, I've taken such a big step back, mentally. The urge to stalk his social media has overwhelmed me, so I've blocked access to Twitter/Facebook etc on my web browsers. As soon as I get an urge to look, I do something else. It's hard and I just want the intrusive thoughts to stop!

I ended up looking at his Twitter the other day and saw that a girl had liked loads of his tweets and they followed each other. She looked his type - I used to jest with him that I was the opposite of his type. Just felt like a knife had gone in me and my self-esteem crumbled. He told me when he broke up with me that he didn't want a relationship and he wanted to be on his own....then I put 2+2 together (and came up with 5), and I immediately felt lied to. He's now blocked.

I don't want to date again, but I miss mixing with people. I'm a PhD student and I haven't met anyone else in my research group due to Covid. I think if I'd had the opportunity to be social in a non-Covid world, I think I wouldn't feel like this. I hope those days come soon.

It's strangely freeing to write it all down, even if I am telling strangers. I just needed to 'brain dump'. Take care everyone x

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

Oh my. This is me right now. I broke up with my boyfriend at the weekend and I can’t stop thinking about him I spend my entire day checking to see if he’s online ... I need to get out of my own head

 

[under the ivy]

I was awful, I was literally reading forums and online advice etc on how to cope with giving him space, how to move on, how to get him back etc it was so bad, everyday would be like fresh pain as I would get a few hours sleep if I were lucky and then wake up and think about him all over again. The thought of him so much as even getting to know another person made me so ill and I missed him so much... When i found out he was going for drinks with a girl he told me was always just his friend i honestly felt as if the bottom fell out of my world, felt unfair i was there crying and breaking my heart over him and he was there getting on with his life with no cares in the world.

I even had to see a counsellor to talk it all through but I walked out of 6 weeks counselling feeling not miraculously cured but much more positive and happier in myself compared to the crying mess that walked in.. But i had very bad anxiety on top of this break up as was and I wasn't really a very strong girl in general.

But it really does get better and I mean that. I think sometimes heartbreak can be good for us, it gives us life lessons and we never forget the pain but we do come out stronger.

I actually met someone emotionally abusive a while after him, about 6 months later, who i saw on and off for a while but it was very toxic in many, many ways! Actually still contacts me now and again to just verbally abuse me, weird guy... So be careful that you don't just jump into something with someone else in the hope it will help you get over your ex quicker. Take the time to work on yourself, focus on your happiness Get yourself into a good place. You will meet someone worthy of you, maybe not today or next month, maybe not even next year but you will, and you will be much stronger for it.. x

Time is best healer. It sometimes pops into my head the thought of him dating (even though we’re in lockdown/tier 3) but I think to myself, I’ll be doing the same one day. It’s just life, things end, things start. Don’t get me wrong, it’s taken me months to get to this mindset and I have bad days but again, time has helped me immensely.

Someone said in the thread said about liking the idea of a partner rather than the actual partner - I’m like this I feel. This is my first Christmas single (not that we can all do much this year!) and my birthday is in January, Valentine’s Day . Spending them all single after years of spending it with your other half is going to be tricky.

Much love to OP and anyone else going through any heartache this time of year x

 

[Lovethesun]

So here goes ....... Was seeing someone on & off for a year and a half & would say I did love him . Lots of things tested our relationship mainly caused by him , exes texting him , sending sexual texts to other women , could turn nasty sometimes , wasn’t particularly good with my kids , bit lazy , paid no money to help with bills although he practically lived with me ....... I could go on . It’s finally come to a definite end & although it wasn’t right , I miss him terribly , just little things like sharing a bed , hate coming home to an empty house , especially when my kids are with their dad . I miss the little texts throughout the day . I don’t want him but I can’t bare the thought of him with someone else . I’ve not eaten properly since the split & my sleeping isn’t great , just feel sick to my stomach constantly, how do I change my way of thinking , I’ve never been through a break up like this before .

 

[Lovethesun]

I needed this. My two year engagement ended yesterday and after two hours broken sleep and a lot of tears I have to parent and work today! Right now I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so sorry to hear this . It gets worse before it gets better , the first week is the hardest . Everyone’s different with how they cope , I was tearful , constant lump in my throat couldn’t eat or sleep . But believe me it gets better . It was only when I was outside of the relationship I realised how wrong we were for each other . 2 years is along time to spend with someone so of course you’ll miss them . But I can’t say enough the weeks will pass and you do start to feel better . If it’s definitely over , which it was for me , I instantly removed him off everything , so I couldn’t check up on him if I was tempted , I blocked his number & tried to pretend he doesn’t exist that’s the only way I coped . And the thought of him with someone else was the worst . That still bothers me but no where near as much . Just get through these first few days , it’s probably a good thing you’ve got to parent & work because keeping busy really helped me . Trust me in 6-8 weeks time you’ll feel better , not 100% but you will . I never thought I’d get through it x

 

[RedMagnolia]

Kids are definitely good judges of character. Hold your head high, delete this loser from every social media platform and start being kind to yourself. Get the real you back. 2021 will be a good year.

 

[Papparazzo]

I’m so sorry to hear this . It gets worse before it gets better , the first week is the hardest . Everyone’s different with how they cope , I was tearful , constant lump in my throat couldn’t eat or sleep . But believe me it gets better . It was only when I was outside of the relationship I realised how wrong we were for each other . 2 years is along time to spend with someone so of course you’ll miss them . But I can’t say enough the weeks will pass and you do start to feel better . If it’s definitely over , which it was for me , I instantly removed him off everything , so I couldn’t check up on him if I was tempted , I blocked his number & tried to pretend he doesn’t exist that’s the only way I coped . And the thought of him with someone else was the worst . That still bothers me but no where near as much . Just get through these first few days , it’s probably a good thing you’ve got to parent & work because keeping busy really helped me . Trust me in 6-8 weeks time you’ll feel better , not 100% but you will . I never thought I’d get through it x

Thanks so much, these are lovely words. Obviously it's very raw (24 hours) but oh how it bloody hurts! He made the decision after much back and forth over the last few months, and i know it will be the best on the long run, but the sad fact is he is a good man, we just don't fit. That's what I'm finding more heartbreaking.

Thanks again for replying, it's so lonely especially in lockdown so to hear someone else's encouragement makes me feel better. Thankyou.

 

[Wowitsme]

I really feel for you in your situation!! I hope you’re ok! I’ve tried to make my own thread about a problem I’m having but it isn’t giving me the option. I was in a year and a half relationship with a guy. I always trusted him but I think I was too trusting. I’ve been very unwell for a long time now and for all of January 2020 and February 2020 I was in hospital but late February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me ( he’s my ex now obviously) it really broke me because he didn’t even feel bad about it and he told me the reason was cause my illness had me look unattractive and he felt he was settling for less . I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore and I was so upset even saying that to him but I think he thought I’d forgive him and he didn’t like the fact that I was standing up for myself so he told me he had been in a secret 4 month relationship with another girl and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to be with him anymore cause he had her. He told me her name and was bragging about it and I believed what he was saying cause they followed eachother on Instagram so I was even more hurt again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it it was coming between me and my sleep that this girl isn’t even aware he’s been messing us both about so in the moment I decided to message her to let her know what was going on. It was as nice as message as could be but I don’t think she took it the right away unfortunately so she told my ex about it and of course he denied everything and immediately messaged me. He put me down , slagged me off and basically told me that he and this new girl where happy together , he finds her more attractive and that she wasn’t a burden that she had good health something I’d never have. I disappeared off social media for a while cause I was so hurt and depressed over everything. I then realised he had made the whole thing up about dating her just to hurt me. 2 months later I messaged the girl again saying I’m sorry if you felt I got you involved in that situation the last thing I wanted to do was make it seem I had an issue with you and I hope you can see where I was coming from at the time. Thankfully she replied and was nice and I felt a lot better after that conversation cause she listened to what I had to say. I was able to move on properly then but a couple months later I got a message from my ex asking me would I be able to message some girl for him and tell her I’m his friend and that he’s a good guy to date. I didn’t reply and just blocked him . He went on a date with some random girl and told her about a scar I have from one of my surgeries and how he found it disgusting to look at. She was able to find out my name from during conversation which led her to finding my Instagram where she messaged me and told me what he had been saying and that she wanted me to be aware cause she felt uncomfortable him degrading me like that . More time went by I have been in and out of hospital and focusing on myself but recently I received a phone call off a random number it turned out to be my ex and he told me how he and the girl he pretended to be in a relationship with are now best friends and that that they both think I’m crazy , a psycho and both are normal as they aren’t always sick every 5 minutes. I’m 21 and I know the fact 10 months later this still hurts me may be ridiculous but I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I can’t message the girl again even though I want to defend myself but I’ll look obsessed and crazy and he seems to be able to fool everyone into thinking he’s innocent when I’ve been put through so much by him. I feel so lost and it’s hard to focus on things fully cause I feel like he’s got away with it all. I’m also so unwell to the point I don’t know what my future is looking like or if I even have one and I feel so many things have been left so messy it’s ruined my mental health more than anyone could ever know. His last message to me ever was him telling me the relationship wasn’t real to him nothing he felt was real. What would anyone else do in this situation?

block them all ignore it, you’ll find something better and your worth so much more than this horrid man! Focus on yourself and your own happiness and something better will come along. I hope your ok x

 

[FruityStyle]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in with my own tale of woe...and wondering when time is going to get around to healing things! I was with a guy for about four years and he left me for someone else over five years ago. He actually broke up with me by text at first, I pushed for a phone call and he told me he'd met someone else, she was amazing and that was that. He suggested trying to stay friends and I said no as my heart was literally broken - he told me to bin anything he'd left at mine and wished me good luck. I got busy with 'no contact' and it was a really rough few months for me as we'd been incredibly close and his absence was everywhere. In the years since he's reached out a couple of times, culminating in a declaration of his undying love for me a couple of years ago, she meant nothing, I was what he wanted etc. etc. Needless to say I didn't give in, and when he didn't get the answer he wanted he spewed a few expletives at me and that was that (all of this was in call/text, I've never seen him in person since before he broke up with me). Since the breakup I've dated here and there but nothing has stuck, and this guy is in my mind most days. Not in a 'I want him back' kinda way, more a 'how could he do what he did to me' kind of way. We don't really have any shared friends anymore so I don't know what happened to him after...or rather I didn't until I googled him today.

Do not google them! It turns out he's still with the woman he left me for, and I can't explain how that makes me feel. I had hoped karma would catch up to him and he'd get his so to speak...but no, they're still together all these years later. Rationally I know he's no loss to me and I've seen the lengths he will go to to hurt me. So why am I still stuck thinking about what happened, what he did?! Will I ever be free of him? I'm almost mad at myself for not being able to fully get over him, all these years later. I don't think he's the one that got away....at least I hope not. When does this get better? xx

 

[Papparazzo]

Hey it was me that originally started this thread . Just want to say Thankyou for everyone’s advice but honestly anyone going through a break up right now , the only healer is time , such a cliche but it really is . And blocking their social media & number - zero contact . It’s 8 weeks for me now & I got through Xmas , & I’m genuinely fine now . I’ve gone from thinking about him every second of the day to maybe a couple of times a day . Don’t get that sick pit of my stomach feeling anymore when I think about him & feel so much happier & care free . As the weeks pass it gets a million times better , even if you think you’ll never live without them . You do xx

I needed this. My two year engagement ended yesterday and after two hours broken sleep and a lot of tears I have to parent and work today! Right now I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.