Am I going mad?
I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years officially, unofficially almost 11 but shortly after we started seeing each other (I was 18) he started a relationship with someone else for 2 years, in that time he wouldn’t let me move on, he’d make threats that if I started seeing anyone else we’d never see each other again - obviously I went with it as I was mad about him. Anyway he ended the relationship and 5 months later we got together, in that time he moved abroad for work and we decided to stay together long distance, he’s been away for 6 years now, in that time we’ve been through a lot, his Mum died before he turned 30, he’d already lost his Dad in 2010. Despite the distance we saw each other every 8-10 weeks for the first 3 years. He became distant in 2016, mentioned a girl he worked with being attractive, when I went out to him I found her passport in his safe, he made excuses, she would post on her blog and he’d be in the background of pictures when I challenged it he said a group from work went out. She’d post about being placed he said he was going and on one occasion was on the same flight as him, he denied it and sent screenshots of messages to her asking if she was on the flight and her saying no. His Mum died 2017, awful battle with cancer, I visited her in hospital whilst he was away (only child) and was the one to tell him it was terminal, fortunately he was home when she passed away and I was with him, planned the funeral together etc. After her death I’d check on the empty house fortnightly, I even took on her Cat as none of the family would take him (he’s very temperamental). Christmas Eve 2017 I found out that he’d been cheating with the girl, she told me they’d been living together for 6 months (he moved in just after he returned after his Mum died). We agreed to work through it and he was going to come home in the April 2018, he kept pushing it back, I saw proof he wasn’t living with her. I tried ending the relationship a few times but he always threatened to take his own life. Things started to pick up and in January 2019 he was coming home, I moved the cat out of my parents (they couldn’t keep him any longer) and he said he wasn’t back permanently so I ended up moving in to his empty house as he agreed he’d be coming home in the coming weeks, he kept making excuses but would book huge holidays to keep me quiet, this happened throughout the year. He said he was home after a holiday in October but the day after we returned he left before I even got home from work. He would use excuses like visa issues etc. He was back permanently Christmas 2019 although this was short lived as he left again 3rd Jan, again only telling me an hour before leaving for the airport. He came home for a week for our anniversary, we put his house up for sale and had viewed houses, then left again for what should have been 2 weeks, I haven’t seen him since. Because of arguments he kept pushing his flight and refusing to tell me and then eventually claimed he got stuck due to COVID. I spent lockdown on my own, isolated away from family and friends living in his home. I sat on my own in isolation on my birthday, every week he’d tell me his flight had been cancelled because of COVID and they couldn’t fly, at one stage he said a flight hadn’t taken off despite me calling the airport and confirming. 6 weeks ago I had an awful feeling and contacted the other woman, she said he was with her and they lived together, he denied initially and then demanded I made arrangements to leave his house and then ignored me for 2 days before calling to apologise and said he was coming home and she had kicked him out, it was over. He was due to book a flight then kept saying that he needed time to sort his head out. In that time he bought a house we had viewed and put my name on it with him, his house had sold and progress was being made. This week he was due to fly Monday and cancelled because he didn’t like the way I was speaking to him (standing up for myself and asking when he was collecting his stuff from her). On Tuesday I contacted her pretending to be his cousin, she confirmed they hadn’t split and she had been on holiday for 2 weeks but was due to return Friday, she knew about me the entire time. He refuses to speak to me in case I record it to send to her as he’s told her we aren’t together. Instead he’d send messages in a way it couldn’t be traced back to him. He denies he’s with her to me despite everything. He won’t tell me it’s over and that he doesn’t want to be with me, he sent me a letter telling me he loves me, talking about how much he wanted our future but I had gone too far. He’s saying he’s staying out there for work but still contacting me, reminiscing. Asking where I’m moving to. I’m still in his house, everything I watch on TV he can see (via the internet) there are cameras in the house. There’s a lot more I haven’t covered, he’s made me feel crazy, am i a crazy girlfriend? It’s over now, I’m leaving but not because he’s told me, because he still won’t end it, carries on as if nothing has happened.
Cue me having to watch my emotions around him or bite my tongue. We were together for 4 years and I never felt he wanted to commit - we went on holidays together, weddings/family occasions but then some weekends he would need time alone 'with the lads' so I was often left feeling confused!