Friends (or lack of)

[OatMatchaLatte]

I've got one, possibly two friends. To be honest, I prefer my own company. I've found I tend to attract drama queens / waifs and strays, and it becomes quite draining constantly having to help people with their problems. Occasionally I'd like someone who I can let off steam with, but most of the time I just sort of pick through problems on my own. I've travelled alone, I used to live on my own (now with my partner) and I've moved abroad on my own. I'm happy in my bubble.

I'm close to my sister, and I have my partner, but I still really value my alone time. I can often feel my social battery running out, and I think...I really must retreat now.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. If you're feeling lonely and isolated, it's a different matter.

 

[TheGlossy]

I grew up with parents who did not allow me to have friends. Every single friendship I had was not good enough for them and they always found ways to dismantle my friendships. If I got home 30 minutes late after school because I was hanging out chatting with a female friend, they'd accuse me of sneaking away with boys (which was never the case). They had this odd notion that every female friend would lead me astray and get me to sleep with boys. They ruined a couple of my friendships by making up lies (if a friend gave me a gift, they wouldn't believe me and accuse me of stealing it thus preventing me from seeing that friend again or alternatively, if I lost something they'd accuse a friend of theft and bar be from seeing them again). I grew up with a pattern where my friendships never lasted more than one year or two because of this. I was not allowed to see any friends outside of school, which made it difficult to solidify friendships.

It therefore pushed me to always keep people at arm's length and always assume people have ill intentions. This has carried into my adult life as I have very few friends now and most of my adult friendships have always been one-sided (meaning me being the listener / therapist). I stopped speaking to my family 5 years ago and during these five years, I had one great year (2019) where literally everyone I knew wanted to hang out and I was constantly invited to places. It was the first time ever in my life I had experienced something like this and I really enjoyed it as it was all I wanted (socially). Alas, it didn't last long because shortly after I started getting a healthy social life, my family tried to get in touch with me (which turned out to be a disaster) and for some reason, my social life vanished shortly after (I was down for months, COVID hit and the rest is history). Now, I have little to no friends at all and no close family member. My youngest sister was my best friend but she was used as a vehicle by my parents when they tried to reach out and we're no longer in touch because of this episode.

I don't really have anyone at this point, but I think it's probably for the best. People come and go. I often wonder if I ever meet someone that I'd end up liking and it gets serious, how I would explain not having friends and not having a single family member around. It would be regarded as a red flag by many people. If I were to ever get married, my guest list would be non-existent, which is quite sad, but again, I'm not particularly seeking to have a big wedding in any case. I sometimes feel inadequate and wish I had tons of friends, but then I think of how busy I am with work and my personal ambitions that it leaves me no time to see anyone. Then again, the day I'm on my death bed, I don't want to be reminiscing the course of my life only to realize that most of my life has been plagued with loneliness and no fun at all. I realize I won't have many happy "people" memories, but it is life. I'm still young (31), but as time goes on, especially with COVID which has simply scattered or dismantled friendships, it's difficult to imagine a future where I will be surrounded with people. I've made my peace with this though. It is what it is. I can certainly related with older people who are lonely or who live in isolated because they don't have anyone. People often underestimate the impact of isolation and can sometimes take their family and friendships for granted. I don't even have a partner, so the relationship drawer of my life is completely empty, just a couple of roaches hanging out. Even with all this, I'm still proud to find ways to make myself feel less lonely. I like my own company and that's all that matters at the end of the day.

 

[Easilyannoyed]

I don't really have any friends and I am now content with that. When I was younger I desperately wanted more friends but I look back and wonder why!
I am happy that I have a VERY small circle (2 friends) they are individual ones not a group. If that makes sense? But I dont make plans often to see them just text mainly.
My partner is my best friend without a doubt.

Social media puts so much pressure on having a 'girl gang' but SM also isn't real and most people are just posting for the likes etc and to make it look like they are popular, like everyone else etc.

I am an only child so have always been happy with my own company and I think that is also why I haven't ever had lots of friends.

Its definitely normal to be content with yourself and family, I know I am.

There are people I went to school with who still hang around with the same group I actually think it’s a bit strange and forced when I see their pictures. My partner is my best friend too and his other best friend is my dad! I think it is normal! I agree social media makes out you should have a girl gang etc but like I said before I just find it really sickly and fake x

 

[blackmasque]

I feel you. I don't use social media or anything, but yesterday was my birthday and I didn't hear anything from anyone. My husband took the day off work but spent most of the day dealing with legal stuff and was so annoyed and in a bad mood all damn day. I had a migraine and spend the entire day and night in bed in pain but also feeling so so alone, like who gives a shit about me? No one. I hate birthdays.

Sorry for the self pity

 

[moomoomama]

I literally have no friends anymore. I realised after a weekend away to London with her and her work friends that I was practically ignored the whole weekend. She invited me about 3 weeks before we went but they’d been planning the trip for months. I was asked to drive there from Birmingham but said I couldn’t because OH would need the car, so it was only then decided we’d all be getting the train, which I had to organise.

I looked back on our friendship and realised that I was always messaging first or I’d never get more than 3/4 texts back before she was ‘too busy’ to reply, I’d always have to pick her up if we finally made plans, I’d get asked to do things with the kids like go the zoo because I drive and she couldn’t get to these places on the bus. to top it off as well we had each other as friends on Facebook but she’d blocked me from seeing anything she posted unless I was tagged in it.

Sucks to be 31 without a single friend.

 

[slugella]

Hi everyone I seem to always seek out this thread when the loneliness gets too much! It makes me feel less alone, but I wish that none of us had to feel this way.

I feel like I've lost one of the only close friends that I did have. She's met other friends and seems to always be so busy with them but not as interested in hanging out with me. We did have plans to go for coffee, after ages of not seeing each other, and she cancelled because she had no money, but then is all over Instagram out for drinks and food with others. It has really hurt my feelings and I feel so sad and lonely today. I'm not going to make effort if it isn't reciprocated but it's still a sad situation.

 

[Rxt156]

I think having a large group of friends is overrated. from experience I know that they often all slag each other off and talk about each other all the time. if that’s the case, what is the point?!?

anyway who has got the time or energy for all that and going out every weekend when they work and have kids I sure don’t. Pjs and tv by 7pm thank you

 

[Woolmercardington]

I've decided. I just don't like socialising in groups. Full stop. I'm involved in local amdram and while I like rehearsals and performing, etc. I have no inclination to actively socialise with the cast outside of the rehearsal room.

The director had organised a pub quiz outing this weekend and I'm just like... nope. I honestly don't really enjoy going out of the house of an evening unless I have to, tbh. I'm just finding interacting with people to be exhausting lately. I just can't be bothered. But particularly, groups of people.

I have two friends, who I meet up with separately for meals, theatre, etc, every couple of months and that's enough.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I just read this and I found it really interesting that several people who I see around Tattle a lot and think I'd love to be their friend have posted here!
I'm in a weird position where I do actually have quite a few friends but I struggle to maintain them? I'm fine talking on Whatsapp etc but find it a struggle face to face...I get very drained by other people quickly and often just want to go home, it gets very annoying as once I'm like 'ok I want to leave now' I can't unthink it. I call it 'getting peopled out'

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I feel like I can relate to so many of these messages here.

I’ve never had any proper friends I don’t think. I got involved with toxic people in secondary school. They used to bully me and because I had nobody else to go, I stuck with them. They would pick at my appearance and make jokes, calling me names but pretending it wasn’t about me. I was a bit of a nerd and kept a diary at the time and would write it all down in my diary. We had a sleepover for my 13th birthday and they found my diary and all hid in my bathroom - “planning a surprise” whilst I sat in my room alone. Turns out they were reading it. For weeks after, they would leave me out and snigger. Everyone in school knew what had happened except for me and eventually one day some random girl told me. I was mortified. I just didn’t speak to them and would sit in the library by myself. I was so, so lonely.

I broke down in tears one day and one of them asked me what was wrong. We somehow made friends. Then a few years later they had all planned a weekend to the cinema and a sleepover and were very openly talking about, but hadn’t invited me. I felt so stupid. This friendship lasted til I was around 25 when I had had enough.

I am blocked on all social media by them now and vice versa. I really do hate them.

I’ve got two close friends now but the same thing is happening again. I think my confidence is shattered from when I was younger and I don’t speak up for myself.

My friends now can go days without speaking to me but plan trips together. I’ve spent countless evenings crying over it and I’m 31. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve just had my maternity leave and was so looking forward to meeting other mums but covid spoilt that. I do hope that I meet new people one day but I have no idea how! My closest friends are probably my work colleagues and my husband is definitely my best friend. I do get sad about it.

 

[under the ivy]

I don’t have any friends either. Not any that I see. I made one really close friend at university but she lives in Scotland. We text everyday though and talk through voice notes so I’m lucky to have her. But actual friends wise, I have no one I could call to go for a coffee with (pre Covid of course) or I couldn’t rely on anyone if I needed help.

I have zero trust in people and I think this is my issue. I was badly bullied in high school by a former childhood best friend and a group of girls I thought were my friends. I got death threats, beaten up in the school corridors. I stopped going to school and spent my teenage years home schooled and playing the Sims I went to university at 20 and I would say I made semi-friends when I was there; just people you sit with in lectures, get lunch with etc but I don’t talk to them now. I’m very very sarcastic, dry, blunt, quick witted and I think people take this as me being a bitch. My friend who lives in Scotland told me when she first met me she thought I was a bitch But once you get to know me, it’s just my personality and sense of humour.

Overall, I’m happy being a loner but some days it’s tough. I love Sex and The City, so one day I hope I have a group or girl mates like Carrie Bradshaw and co!

 

[Lonewolf]

Thinking of everyone on this thread tonight no matter who or where you may be spending it, I know it can be hard for some to end the year on your own as this lonewolf has done so many times, May the new year be prosperous for you all

 

[halloweenjellybean]

I always feel like I’m the ‘ service level’ friend. No one ever seems to want to make a relationship go deeper with me. I’ve never had a best friend, I’m now 33. Years ago at school I was told ( when I was 7) that I was getting in the way of friendships and ever since then I think I’ve struggled with friendships.

I see a group of girls every few months. It’s always a struggle to arrange anything as it’s always ‘ it’s either all of us or none of us’ yet I know they see each other multiple times a week. They talk about things I don’t know so I can’t even join in. They don’t ask about me or my family.

The person who I probably considered the closets to a best friend completely ghosted me after I had my baby and her marriage ended due to an affair. I was hung up on that for years as I can’t work out what went wrong.

I always feel like I’m last in the pile to be someone’s friend.

 

[Gymhoned]

This thread is so interesting and tugs at my heart a lot. I suffered from great deal of loneliness in the past and it is incredibly painful. Both family and friends being the source.
Firstly as much as you can have a look at your own behaviour...i absolutely know when i was younger i alienated people with my behaviour...now i dont think lot of it was my fault per sey but i think we go through phases and cycles and your friends at the time may not be the people resilient enough for you as they may be going through stuff themselves.

One thing i have learned is you should not expect too much from friend..theyre not your partner and they have their own lives to lead and sometimes you do get dropped and you will never know why.

Also its never too late to form friendships. Im 42 and i never had friends until i was in my 30s really. I think a lot of that had to do with me being a happier person and not being too dependent on others so friendships happened naturally and now over time i have a handful i can trust. Dont hold grudges...so what if they dont reply..so people just dont..but when youre in their company do you feel happy? Do you feel like they like you and have an interest in you? Thats what matters.
Also, get a pet, go on singles weekends away, join a reading club or walking club. Dont have great expecations you will be surprised how things may develop.

 

[Millennial Pink]

Just following on from my earlier post. Friends birthday today, her present arrived, I sent a message saying happy birthday hope you liked the gift, the stone is your birthday stone and I got back ‘ I didn’t notice’

this friendship is dead isn’t it.

How rude! I think it certainly makes her feelings clear. No point making effort where it's not appreciated, you deserve better.

 

[jawidjanqndn]

a couple years back now i got myself in a very dark place to put it lightly, i had to leave school due to my depression & honestly didn’t leave the house for longer that i’d like to admit because of this i lost all my friends, literally not a single person messaged me when i suddenly left school & disappeared with no warning. i was very lonely in school as it was but i was expecting my bestfriend of like 10 years to reach out, she didn’t lol.

anyway that’s slightly off topic, fast forward to now i’m on antidepressants and doing a lot better mentally however i still have no friends. it makes me so sad if i’m honest, especially in the recent events of lockdown being partly lifted. seeing everyone out with their mates going to the pub, having picnics & garden parties just makes me want to delete every social media i own lol. i really don’t know what to do, i feel so fucking alone. i have no one to talk to, hence why i’m on this thread it sucks and i find myself crying myself to sleep looking at all these people out with their mates, i cant help but compare myself and question why i have no one in my life. birthdays are shit for me as i get no birthday wishes, it’s awful and i’m desperate to have one happy year full of good memories. i am constantly alone and would just love to change this because it’s seriously ruining my life & im terrified of being alone my entire life.

anyway i don’t know how to start making friends or where to find them.. does anyone have any tips or advice on how i can make some friends?

 

[KoffeeKate]

I can't believe the number of people who also have the not knowing who to ask as bridesmaid problem! I have friends I could ask if I really had to but it would be kinda awkward as they're not best friends and I wasn't their bridesmaid so I wouldn't really want to..

Luckily the idea of a big wedding with me as the centre of attention is my idea of hell so I probs wouldn't have one

that’s what I say! I got my son christened and that was bad enough stood up at the water thing, I was literally dripping sweat bright red just felt like such a knob and thought omg how many people are looking at me , then fake smiled at lots of distant relatives afterwards it was PAINFUL hahaha

sod it let’s just all meet up after lockdown , have loads of cocktails and make the biggest BFF group known to man unless if we are all so anxious we all just sit there not talking after a drink I’m sure you can’t shut me up

 

[Crunky_Snack]

I have 0 friends. I have an amazing partner who is pretty much my best friend, though. I left a job last year after 4 years, unfortunately the ‘friends’ I thought I had there have vanished from my life completely. I think about my wedding often- I’m only 25 but the thought of trying to find bridesmaids etc makes my heart sink. The only contact I have aside from my boyfriend is with my parents, maybe once a week over FaceTime. It’s so lonely

 

[Agent Cooper]

Not sure if this thread is the right place to post this but I need some friendship advice.

I’m a rather outgoing person but I don’t have many close friends as I have some trust issues due to past trauma. A few years back when I was at uni I met this girl who went to the same classes as me. I had heard of her through mutual acquaintances before and didn’t like her very much as she seemed quite full of herself. However, she insisted on making friends with me since we went to the same classes, we went out together a few times and she would text me quite often to chat. I haven’t seen a lot of her since leaving uni, the last time we met was in July and we agreed to meet again soon but it never happened. It was her birthday not long ago so I texted her, her reply was very sweet and nice…Then it was my birthday a week after that and she didn’t bother to message me in return. Usually I wouldn’t make a fuss, but I know she knows it was my birthday, and it was during the weekend too so it’s not like she was too busy at work or anything. I thought it was quite symbolic of our friendship as she always made everything about her — she would mostly talking about herself when we met, always insist on choosing the exact time and place when we went out together, and the only time I asked her for a favor she ignored me. There was also a time when before her birthday party she made a list of expensive things she wanted (stuff like Dyson Airwrap and Chanel perfume), sent it out to her friends and only invited the ones who agreed to get her something off the list.

Would it be too dramatic to cut her off completely, delete her phone number and all? I don’t want to be rude, but I feel like I get nothing out of this “friendship”. She initiated it so she got company during uni and evenings out and an extra shoulder to cry on as I am a good listener and would always try to help her or give advice when she came to me and needed it. I don’t want to create any childish drama but I’m just tired.

 

[linlou37]

Just catching up on this thread and it makes me sad to read all of your stories as I think we're all in the same boat re "friends". Strikes me that we're all of an empathetic nature and I really feel that's a great thing. I know the lonliness of not feeling part of a group and having toxic friends but on the flip side of that, who wants to be friends with toxic soul suckers anyways?! I just want to say mind yourselves over the Christmas period. Ye're all such a great supportive group