For anybody struggling ❤

[Shimmering]

My anxiety feels through the roof at the moment due to a few things that have happened to me and the uncertainty of what’s going to happen next/in the future makes me feel so sick. Like I know there are so many coping mechanisms for anxiety but honestly speaking, when your anxiety is because of a specific situation and it can’t be easily resolved or is out of your control, how can any of these methods actually work?

I find it so hard to function when I am consumed by worry. I lose my appetite which makes me feel weak and faint, I can’t stop going to the toilet which is draining in itself and I just feel like my heart is racing and dry mouth. It’s a horrible feeling and you can’t switch off the thoughts in your head or even put them to the back of your mind.

I do know what you mean.

I have the same reactions and it's horrendous to experience.

Things I do to cope that genuinely help me:

Do something. You are full of nervous anxious energy so use it to do something that you need to do that can be done mindlessly. Like a shower, or dishes, or any cleaning, or walking, moving around. You can't control everything but you can use your nervous energy productively.

Accept the feeling and don't try to fight it or get rid of it. Try to name what it is and the reason for it. Your body and brain are reacting in this way because they think it will protect you. So thank them for it and acknowledge the true and genuine concerns that you feel. You aren't wrong for feeling this way and you dont need to fight it or fix it. Sounds silly but this genuinely helps me to calm down.

Accept what is happening. Tell yourself you will deal with each event as it happens, to the best of your ability, one step at a time. And remind yourself you will get through it. Even if it is terrible, you will deal with it in the best way you can.

I am a terrible perfectionist and very hard on myself so this helps me to get a bit off perspective. You can make mistakes and you can duck up and you can deal with it. And sometimes things are just monumentally tit and you need to breathe through it and accept that surviving it is what matters.

 

[ProfessorColdheart]

Great advice above from Shimmering (sounds like its hard won too ).
If the thing is out of your control then worrying and ruminating also isn't helping, its just exhausting you. This is not judgment, its experience. I do the same and make myself quite ill. I hate uncertainty and have struggled with anxiety my whole life.
Doing something is good - as Shimmering says use up the nervous energy pulling weeds or cleaning or decluttering.
But what also can help is grounding activity. Your mind is what is tormenting you - running through the scenarios. You need to shut it up because although its really trying to help by trying to problem solve its not actually working.
The reason people talk about meditation and breathwork is because that focus takes your mind off the loop your mind is in. Its like a programme that "spooling" and got stuck. But if those things aren't accessible, really simple stuff can help like - name all the red things in the room, or go through the alphabet and pick a food type that begins with each letter, or count backwards from 100 in 7s.
How will this help the problem? It won't. But it will focus your thoughts from catastrophising and get you in the present moment. Right in this exact second nothing is happening. So get into that moment. You don't have to deal with it all right this second.
And that will help because your body is physically reacting to the mental load of worry. Its like a feedback loop. If you can stop the loop by stopping your thoughts for a few moments then your body might calm down.
This is another reason breathing out for longer than you breath in helps because thats what we do when we are calm so your body calms down and that might help (challenging the loop from the other side). Scientifically it activates your parasympathetic nervous system. Google stuff for that.

 

[TheGlossy]

I have recently been better at managing a lot of feelings, but I think I repressed so much in the last months, that it all exploded today.

In the last 3 months, everyone around me has achieved something big or a dream of theirs. 2 weddings, 1 engagement, 2 promotions, pregnancy announcements, people buying properties etc.

Meanwhile, my life has not really moved since 2022. My dad passed at the very end of 2021, so I spent 2022 & 2023 dealing with family matters on my own and exposing myself to my mother’s narcissistic tendencies all while dealing with an equally narcissistic manager.

2024 has been an absolute toss so far.
- Everyone in my team has gotten promoted or moved to a more senior level & I’m still stuck at a rather junior level.
- My siblings have been acting wishy washy because they clearly don’t like the fact I’m not speaking to my mother. I sent my sister a congrats message on her exams, never got an answer.

While I don’t necessarily want to get married or get engaged or have kids, I feel nothing positive is happening in my life. I’m not really living. I’m 34 this year, and don’t know where I’m headed or what my purpose is. I barely have any friends and I can’t really say I have a tight knit family.

Honestly, if this is what life is about, I’m not sure it’s really worth it (no self-harm thoughts).

 

[Good Egg]

I have recently been better at managing a lot of feelings, but I think I repressed so much in the last months, that it all exploded today.

In the last 3 months, everyone around me has achieved something big or a dream of theirs. 2 weddings, 1 engagement, 2 promotions, pregnancy announcements, people buying properties etc.

Meanwhile, my life has not really moved since 2022. My dad passed at the very end of 2021, so I spent 2022 & 2023 dealing with family matters on my own and exposing myself to my mother’s narcissistic tendencies all while dealing with an equally narcissistic manager.

2024 has been an absolute toss so far.
- Everyone in my team has gotten promoted or moved to a more senior level & I’m still stuck at a rather junior level.
- My siblings have been acting wishy washy because they clearly don’t like the fact I’m not speaking to my mother. I sent my sister a congrats message on her exams, never got an answer.

While I don’t necessarily want to get married or get engaged or have kids, I feel nothing positive is happening in my life. I’m not really living. I’m 34 this year, and don’t know where I’m headed or what my purpose is. I barely have any friends and I can’t really say I have a tight knit family.

Honestly, if this is what life is about, I’m not sure it’s really worth it (no self-harm thoughts).

I’m older than you early forties. You are still so young and still have time to smash those goals. As someone who also has a narcissistic mother and toxic family I wonder if we are programmed to ‘not feel good enough’ and we put so much pressure on ourselves? You have lots of time to smash those goals. What do you want from your future? What would you like to achieve? What can you put in place to achieve those goals? What do you need to work on. It’s all achievable. You are still so young!

I get that feeling though. I get it too. I’m a single mother. Been single nearly two decades. Feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Feel sad how life has turned out really. I haven’t had a proper relationship. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have a career as such. I don’t earn a good wage. I don’t really socialise. I don’t have a wide circle of friends. I don’t go on big holidays. I’m just me. Pootling through. I do have my health, a child who I love more than anything else and a roof over our heads and food in my belly. Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t want those other things but, I’m working on it. Life is a race but really we are only competing with ourselves, so, enjoy the journey. Set those goals. Focus and see where it takes you.
I wish you well and I hope you are having a better day xx

 

[Reverend]

I can't stop worrying about the future, and future events. Everyone says there is no point worrying about things you have no control over, but I can't stop. I've done CBT, hypnotherapy etc. and I am on anti-depressents. I just want to stop feeling like this.

 

[Purple star]

I can't stop worrying about the future, and future events. Everyone says there is no point worrying about things you have no control over, but I can't stop. I've done CBT, hypnotherapy etc. and I am on anti-depressents. I just want to stop feeling like this.

It’s horrible feeling like that and so hard to stop
Is there something in particular your worried about?
---

I’m older than you early forties. You are still so young and still have time to smash those goals. As someone who also has a narcissistic mother and toxic family I wonder if we are programmed to ‘not feel good enough’ and we put so much pressure on ourselves? You have lots of time to smash those goals. What do you want from your future? What would you like to achieve? What can you put in place to achieve those goals? What do you need to work on. It’s all achievable. You are still so young!

I get that feeling though. I get it too. I’m a single mother. Been single nearly two decades. Feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Feel sad how life has turned out really. I haven’t had a proper relationship. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have a career as such. I don’t earn a good wage. I don’t really socialise. I don’t have a wide circle of friends. I don’t go on big holidays. I’m just me. Pootling through. I do have my health, a child who I love more than anything else and a roof over our heads and food in my belly. Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t want those other things but, I’m working on it. Life is a race but really we are only competing with ourselves, so, enjoy the journey. Set those goals. Focus and see where it takes you.
I wish you well and I hope you are having a better day xx

Brilliant reply …We are all so hard on ourselves.. And ur right in what you say …

 

[TheGlossy]

I’m older than you early forties. You are still so young and still have time to smash those goals. As someone who also has a narcissistic mother and toxic family I wonder if we are programmed to ‘not feel good enough’ and we put so much pressure on ourselves? You have lots of time to smash those goals. What do you want from your future? What would you like to achieve? What can you put in place to achieve those goals? What do you need to work on. It’s all achievable. You are still so young!

I get that feeling though. I get it too. I’m a single mother. Been single nearly two decades. Feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Feel sad how life has turned out really. I haven’t had a proper relationship. I haven’t bought a house. I don’t have a career as such. I don’t earn a good wage. I don’t really socialise. I don’t have a wide circle of friends. I don’t go on big holidays. I’m just me. Pootling through. I do have my health, a child who I love more than anything else and a roof over our heads and food in my belly. Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t want those other things but, I’m working on it. Life is a race but really we are only competing with ourselves, so, enjoy the journey. Set those goals. Focus and see where it takes you.
I wish you well and I hope you are having a better day xx

Thank you so much for your kind words

Yesterday was still very much a struggle but I’m feeling a bit better today (probably because I’m alone and no noise from anyone around me).

Your response is full of wisdom. It is true that we put so much pressure on ourselves, also because this society is all about competing with one another about who has the best and most accomplished life.

Your story is very humbling for me to hear. I really admire people like you who make the best of what they have.

It made me realize I don’t normally admire people because they have one fancy corporate title or another, or because they go on lavish trips. I realize a lot of people around me specially at work put a lot of emphasis on appearances, but in the end, none of these big accomplishments guarantee happiness.

It is true I am still young, but sometimes, I feel life will remain like this forever. I don’t want to have children and I’m not particularly looking for a partner either, but for some reason, hearing that people accomplish their own dreams, triggers the ‘what am I doing with my life’ question.

I agree on the narcissistic parent and the feeling of not being good enough. I’ve had the unfortunate displeasure of working with a narcissistic manager for the last 1.5 years, and it made a lot of feelings resurface. This person is exactly my mother in a professional version.

Ultimately, as you said, life isn’t a race. We only compete with ourselves, not others even if society is conditioning us to think otherwise.

I hope whatever it is you dream of in life will materialize for you.

Thank you so much for your words once again

 

[Reverend]

It’s horrible feeling like that and so hard to stop
Is there something in particular your worried about?

I have a field out the back of my house. They may be building houses there and I've got obsessed about it.

 

[clueless]

I've been completely apathetic recently and it's starting to get me down. I feel useless and guilty, but I can't seem to pull my socks up and get on with things. I have so much time and opportunity to do things at the moment and I feel like I'm wasting it. I'm scared about the future.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I’m sending love to each & every one of you.

I feel down today, I moved back to the UK 2years ago & my friendships have dissipated for one reason or another (I’ve had to cut people out).
My work life sucks, home life sucks (), I don’t speak to my family (my choice & I'm happy about it) & today I went to the hospital for a small op & left alone.
I just broke up with my boyfriend cos he was abusive (not physically), we work together & have mutual friends (one which has been a great support to me), I don’t feel I can trust them & I doubt anyone would believe me honestly.

I honestly ponder the meaning of all this.

 

[allthingschocolate]

I feel so fed up today, I had a massive falling out with my brother just before Christmas (long story) but he was in the wrong basically and my parents agreed with me, anyway harsh words on my part were exchanged! I have to be completely honest I still don’t regret what I said to him as it’s been building up to this for sometime he’s basically used me for dog/child care as/when it suits so I told him some home truths which hurt him apparently (the truth does hurt as they say) anyway we didn’t speak for a few weeks, my daughter became unwell and was in hospital January and he reached out and was talking to me absolutely fine (or so I thought) once she was on the mend he went back to ignoring me again! so we basically haven’t spoken since and I was at peace with this to be honest, his wife (sister in law) hasn’t spoken to me either and my niece has also been very off with me anyway they are due to move house this week and they asked my parents to have their dog whilst they move but due to circumstances they couldn’t, so I told my parents to tell them I could have him if they were stuck and this was a sort of olive branch I guess and also because the dog knows me and is familiar with me and I did enjoy having him having lost my own a few years ago but honestly I now wish I never bothered to offer! but hey that’s me I never learn and the offer was basically thrown back in my face and was told a neighbour was now having him (they know I adore there dog and would take the best care of him) I do feel they are cutting off their nose to spite themselves, I don’t know how else to resolve this going forward but I am told he is waiting for an apology

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Been struggling with depression and social anxiety for a number of years whilst doing a masters degree. It’s a long distance course and it’s part time. I started off my one tutor that was great and then she retired so was replaced with a different tutor who has been absolutely useless. Example: My old tutor was really responsive when it came to getting back to me on emails, this new one was always on holiday around assignment submission times and so whenever I sent him emails regarding assignments he always replied AFTER the assignment deadline had passed. I’ve passed my assignments through the skin of my teeth with no support from him whatsoever.

I had to resubmit my dissertation because it was decided I had plagiarised myself. As in MY OWN WORK, that I had written MYSELF on a topic that has little research as it is! Which I was told verbally that I could carry over into my final dissertation.

I’ve been so anxious to check my emails and have been working up the courage to do so for the last month. Finally looked this morning….

Pass mark was 50% and I’ve scored 48%. They’ve said I can’t submit again (but at this point, I don’t even want to, I’m just so tired of it all now) but on the bright side I can be awarded a PGDiploma instead of the masters.

I’m trying to be positive but I’m so sick of trying so bloody hard and always failing at the last hurdle. I put everything I had into that dissertation and I just feel like a complete failure as per usual. I was hoping my masters would prove to myself that I’m not a complete loser but I can’t help but feel crappy about myself. Then I’m getting cross with myself because a PGDiploma is nothing to be sniffed at. It’s just not what the goal was.

Just tired of trying so bloody hard at everything and getting nowhere. Especially when other people just seem to be flying through life achieving everything so easily.

Trying to keep my positive pants on. I’ve achieved something. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just a very expensive bit of paper at the end of the day after all.
---

I feel so fed up today, I had a massive falling out with my brother just before Christmas (long story) but he was in the wrong basically and my parents agreed with me, anyway harsh words on my part were exchanged! I have to be completely honest I still don’t regret what I said to him as it’s been building up to this for sometime he’s basically used me for dog/child care as/when it suits so I told him some home truths which hurt him apparently (the truth does hurt as they say) anyway we didn’t speak for a few weeks, my daughter became unwell and was in hospital January and he reached out and was talking to me absolutely fine (or so I thought) once she was on the mend he went back to ignoring me again! so we basically haven’t spoken since and I was at peace with this to be honest, his wife (sister in law) hasn’t spoken to me either and my niece has also been very off with me anyway they are due to move house this week and they asked my parents to have their dog whilst they move but due to circumstances they couldn’t, so I told my parents to tell them I could have him if they were stuck and this was a sort of olive branch I guess and also because the dog knows me and is familiar with me and I did enjoy having him having lost my own a few years ago but honestly I now wish I never bothered to offer! but hey that’s me I never learn and the offer was basically thrown back in my face and was told a neighbour was now having him (they know I adore there dog and would take the best care of him) I do feel they are cutting off their nose to spite themselves, I don’t know how else to resolve this going forward but I am told he is waiting for an apology

Is there a way you can move forward without an apology if you know what I mean? Offer to meet with him and say “I really want to sort out our issues. Can we just move on? I said what I said because I felt that I was being taken for granted. I’m sorry you were upset by what I said. I really appreciated your support when my daughter was ill. I’m happy to help you with childcare/dogcare x3 times a week”

You are apologising for him being upset but not what you actually said if you know what I mean? Give him a tit sandwich by acknowledging his feelings but praising his support. If that doesn’t work then unfortunately I think just let it be. You tried to be the bigger person by resolving it, your feelings are valid and what would he prefer- for you to give an apology you don’t mean?

 

[allthingschocolate]

Been struggling with depression and social anxiety for a number of years whilst doing a masters degree. It’s a long distance course and it’s part time. I started off my one tutor that was great and then she retired so was replaced with a different tutor who has been absolutely useless. Example: My old tutor was really responsive when it came to getting back to me on emails, this new one was always on holiday around assignment submission times and so whenever I sent him emails regarding assignments he always replied AFTER the assignment deadline had passed. I’ve passed my assignments through the skin of my teeth with no support from him whatsoever.

I had to resubmit my dissertation because it was decided I had plagiarised myself. As in MY OWN WORK, that I had written MYSELF on a topic that has little research as it is! Which I was told verbally that I could carry over into my final dissertation.

I’ve been so anxious to check my emails and have been working up the courage to do so for the last month. Finally looked this morning….

Pass mark was 50% and I’ve scored 48%. They’ve said I can’t submit again (but at this point, I don’t even want to, I’m just so tired of it all now) but on the bright side I can be awarded a PGDiploma instead of the masters.

I’m trying to be positive but I’m so sick of trying so bloody hard and always failing at the last hurdle. I put everything I had into that dissertation and I just feel like a complete failure as per usual. I was hoping my masters would prove to myself that I’m not a complete loser but I can’t help but feel crappy about myself. Then I’m getting cross with myself because a PGDiploma is nothing to be sniffed at. It’s just not what the goal was.

Just tired of trying so bloody hard at everything and getting nowhere. Especially when other people just seem to be flying through life achieving everything so easily.

Trying to keep my positive pants on. I’ve achieved something. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just a very expensive bit of paper at the end of the day after all.
---

Is there a way you can move forward without an apology if you know what I mean? Offer to meet with him and say “I really want to sort out our issues. Can we just move on? I said what I said because I felt that I was being taken for granted. I’m sorry you were upset by what I said. I really appreciated your support when my daughter was ill. I’m happy to help you with childcare/dogcare x3 times a week”

You are apologising for him being upset but not what you actually said if you know what I mean? Give him a tit sandwich by acknowledging his feelings but praising his support. If that doesn’t work then unfortunately I think just let it be. You tried to be the bigger person by resolving it, your feelings are valid and what would he prefer- for you to give an apology you don’t mean?

Thanks so much for the advice yes I’ll definitely try the “tit sandwich” approach I’ve decided I’ll send a moving in card as a way to break the ice maybe? Appreciate you replying! I hope all gets sorted with your dissertation, the diploma you’ve gained is still a brilliant achievement given the challenges you’ve had to get you there so be proud of that

 

[FlipFlop0706]

tit sandwich and a moving in card- can’t ask for much more than that! The fact you are trying to break the ice shows that you care for him, if he then chooses to continue freezing you out then there’s not much more you can do really. Keep us posted on how it works out x

 

[allthingschocolate]

tit sandwich and a moving in card- can’t ask for much more than that! The fact you are trying to break the ice shows that you care for him, if he then chooses to continue freezing you out then there’s not much more you can do really. Keep us posted on how it works out x

Will do Thankyou

 

[Shimmering]

Really feeling like absolute tit this evening. Like I can't go on (I will go on and I won't do anything to harm myself, I'm just expressing my feelings, this is just a vent).

I'm not cut out for life. For parenting. Can't deal with the stresses of it. Can't deal with the different personalities and being an emotional coach and negotiator for the whole family. I never signed up for this and am completely unsuited and unqualified and yet here I am, expected to take on this role.

I'm absolutely completely and utterly broken this evening. Every time I feel like I'm getting a break or getting back on my feet from exhaustion and health problems another wave of tit hits me and knocks me over.

 

[Good Egg]

Really feeling like absolute tit this evening. Like I can't go on (I will go on and I won't do anything to harm myself, I'm just expressing my feelings, this is just a vent).

I'm not cut out for life. For parenting. Can't deal with the stresses of it. Can't deal with the different personalities and being an emotional coach and negotiator for the whole family. I never signed up for this and am completely unsuited and unqualified and yet here I am, expected to take on this role.

I'm absolutely completely and utterly broken this evening. Every time I feel like I'm getting a break or getting back on my feet from exhaustion and health problems another wave of tit hits me and knocks me over.

What practical things could you do or get help with right now to make things easier for you? To take the load off.
It makes me so sad to read your post. How are you this morning

 

[Shimmering]

What practical things could you do or get help with right now to make things easier for you? To take the load off.
It makes me so sad to read your post. How are you this morning

Thank you for being kind. I've woken up feeling exactly the same. I told my partner how I was feeling and he is trying to support me. The pressing issue right now is issues between my two children. They've always had a difficult relationship but this last month or so it has been unbearable for me. My coping skills are very low atm.

Back to work today which is good for my mental health as work is where I feel capable and I control. It is my escape.

Hope you are OK too.

 

[Shimmering]

This article really hit home for me.

Angry? Disappointed? Heartbroken? Think twice before you call the feelings police

Faced with ‘bad’ emotions, it’s natural to want to lock them up. As a therapist and a patient, I’ve learned to let them run

www.theguardian.com

 

[Libertine1975]

Feel really low at the moment. Lost my job last week. 36, single, no children. Don't see the point in going on anymore.