I am feeling the lowest I ever have felt in my life.
My dad died at home two weeks ago. He was released from hospital, they actually said to him coldly, ‘do you want to die here or at home”
He had Chronic myeloid leukaemia, but it was the heart failure that got him]
We took him home and basically lied to him when he asked ‘am I going to get better?’ He was so scared of dying. And for a few days he really turned a corner, eating and drinking well, sitting up. They had given us a bag of meds that the district nurse was to give when he deteriorated. But I was in denial. Absolutely convinced he would improve.
Then he started yelling one night, it went on for hours. Apparently it’s called terminal agitation. It was such a terrible terrible sound, like he was in pain, but he said he wasn’t. I was brisk with him, told him to stop making the noises, I slept on the floor by his bed. But I couldn’t take it.
Then I noticed he has no pee in his catheter bag, and hadn’t peed for two days. We had a care team come to the house four times a day.So he was being monitored. The nurse suggested giving him midazopam. And I didn’t know it, but he had fallen into a coma. In the morning I tried to wake him for breakfast, but he was out of it, but still breathing noisily. My brother came and we sat around the bed talking after the nurse leftShe said he would pass probably in two days. Then suddenly he made this terrifying face, like a monsterous contorted face almost like a gargoyle and breathed deeply. He was till unconscious. At first I thought he was yawning. But then we realised it was happening.so we grabbed his hands, and told him how much we loved him. And he stopped breathing totally. Then a few minutes later, her repeated the whole sequence of events again, the terrible contortion of his face and the gasp. But his eyes never opened, and I am sure he wasn’t conscious. And he btreathed for the last time. It absolutely terrified me. My dad was not a religious person, and feared death.we were careful what we said in front of him. But his death was so awful and I cannot get past it. And there is so much to do, I just break down all the time. To make matters worse the cat has disappeared too, which if gravely upsetting my daughter who has serious mental health issues.
There is no will. And I am trying to grapple with finding his bank and property stuff. We cannot afford a lawyer, no way. I’m on benefits. And the forums about probate are just full of horror stories.
To make matters worse a council tax letter arrived today. Apparently I’ve broken the law by moving into my dads home to look after him, because he was claiming single person living in his house, and I was in a rental with my husband. Someon actually snitched me up. It is fraud, even thought it was three weeks I stayed here, because I asked one of the banks to send any mail to my dads address for me, as I was the one who would be the executor, and obviously had to change the house insurance in case anything happened to his house.
I got so drunk a few nights ago I wet the sofa. The room stinks. I’m awash with a papaer trail the size of Everest, and I simply cannot do it. I loved my dad so much. Even more than my husband. We were so close I’m grieving and at the same time I’m so angry at him leaving this financial mess, that he would have known I couldn’t handle. I have ever taken a death so badly in my life. I feel suicidal. I took some extra diazapam the other night hoping I’d just not wake up. There is literally nothing in my life to look forward to. Nothing good ever happens for me. All plans extinguishing when I make them. And now I’ve lost the only person who ever really loved and protected me. My immediate family are hands off and get on with it. But I actually cried at the bakery this morning, because I was picking out cakes for them, and of course, didn’t get one for dad. And it broke me up. The poor assistant asked me if I was okay and I couldn’t speak. She actually said, ‘do you need a cuddle’. I felt so stupid. I don’t think I am going to be able to get over this.
one thing led to another...
Keep sharing and posting here there's always someone to chat
you will be able to get through this, you just need support and help right now as you are understandably overwhelmed.