- Notice
Dogtanian
VIP Member
I’ve been fairly quiet for the last 12-18 months on here. It certainly feels that way anyway.
I’d been trying to control my MH over the last year or so but it’d been deteriorating recently and it came to a head just around Christmas time.
I won’t go into the details (could be triggering), but the upshot is that I saw the doctor at the end of December and then had a call with private healthcare at the start of January.
We talked about safety, emergency plans, previous attempts and triggers, support at home, space to relax and declutter my head, those sorts of things.
I’m on the highest dosage of antidepressant and I’ve taken the step to sign up to a talking therapy course. I’ve downloaded and purchased an app for support, I also journal using the inbuilt app on the iPhone.
I don’t drink anymore, I hardly drank for the last 3 years anyway (single glass of wine every 2 weeks with my wife) but I’m cutting that out entirely.
I’m hoping to get better soon, I don’t know when but I have to get over this and I’m hoping the online courses will help me fight back.
I’m not sure why I’ve just written all of this, I guess it’s to vent my problems and just give a voice to my issues.
Sending love to anyone struggling.
M.
I’d been trying to control my MH over the last year or so but it’d been deteriorating recently and it came to a head just around Christmas time.
I won’t go into the details (could be triggering), but the upshot is that I saw the doctor at the end of December and then had a call with private healthcare at the start of January.
We talked about safety, emergency plans, previous attempts and triggers, support at home, space to relax and declutter my head, those sorts of things.
I’m on the highest dosage of antidepressant and I’ve taken the step to sign up to a talking therapy course. I’ve downloaded and purchased an app for support, I also journal using the inbuilt app on the iPhone.
I don’t drink anymore, I hardly drank for the last 3 years anyway (single glass of wine every 2 weeks with my wife) but I’m cutting that out entirely.
I’m hoping to get better soon, I don’t know when but I have to get over this and I’m hoping the online courses will help me fight back.
I’m not sure why I’ve just written all of this, I guess it’s to vent my problems and just give a voice to my issues.
Sending love to anyone struggling.
M.
I’ve never noticed this thread before but I’ve just come onto Tattle for the first time in ages and it’s the first one I saw, so I feel it’s a sign to just get something off my chest…
I’m really very unhappy at the moment but I have no reason to feel like this. I have 2 young lovely children but instead of enjoying them and making the most of the present, I just keep thinking how they’re growing up so quickly and soon enough they won’t want/need me anymore and that breaks my heart. I’ve been with my partner for a long time but we’re not particularly close anymore and I feel very resentful towards him because he does the bare minimum in terms of housework, mental load etc (and when I’ve pointed this out he tells me to ‘stop feeling sorry for myself’ which obviously angers me no end, leading to arguments). I have a stable, fairly flexible and well paid job but I don’t really enjoy it, it’s just a necessity to pay the bills and give my children the best experiences I can afford. Nothing excites me anymore and I just can’t imagine this changing - like, this is my life now, this is as good as it gets.
I’ve never really felt like this before, even when going through stressful and upsetting life events (death of a parent, terminal illness in family etc) but I’m wondering whether it could be depression? Or hormonal/perimenopause related as I’m in my late 30s?
I think this is all rhetorical and me just expressing my inner thoughts because I haven’t spoken to anyone about it, but if you’ve read this far then thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.
I hope everyone else who is having a tough time finds some comfort in sharing their thoughts and seeing they’re not alone 🤍
I’m really very unhappy at the moment but I have no reason to feel like this. I have 2 young lovely children but instead of enjoying them and making the most of the present, I just keep thinking how they’re growing up so quickly and soon enough they won’t want/need me anymore and that breaks my heart. I’ve been with my partner for a long time but we’re not particularly close anymore and I feel very resentful towards him because he does the bare minimum in terms of housework, mental load etc (and when I’ve pointed this out he tells me to ‘stop feeling sorry for myself’ which obviously angers me no end, leading to arguments). I have a stable, fairly flexible and well paid job but I don’t really enjoy it, it’s just a necessity to pay the bills and give my children the best experiences I can afford. Nothing excites me anymore and I just can’t imagine this changing - like, this is my life now, this is as good as it gets.
I’ve never really felt like this before, even when going through stressful and upsetting life events (death of a parent, terminal illness in family etc) but I’m wondering whether it could be depression? Or hormonal/perimenopause related as I’m in my late 30s?
I think this is all rhetorical and me just expressing my inner thoughts because I haven’t spoken to anyone about it, but if you’ve read this far then thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.
I hope everyone else who is having a tough time finds some comfort in sharing their thoughts and seeing they’re not alone 🤍
MacPishFlaps
Well-known member
I lost my first husband to suicide and my most recent partner to a brain aneurysm. This is not why I am posting in this thread, but it's important for context. I've posted about it before (somewhere on Tattle!)
After losing my first husband at 34, I moved city and started a new job, met (now passed away) partner. Have really excelled at work and love my job. I am now 42.
Some colleagues know about partner passing away but the majority of people don't know about my first husband. My line manager does. Recently at work, we have had loads of mandatory training courses assigned to us to complete. Fine. The most recent one is a suicide awareness type course. I get it, it's important. However, given my lived experience, I avoid this type of training, plus, this particular training is not standard 'training' it is someone coming in to speak to us about their lived experience of losing someone. I seen the email re the course and messaged my line manager to advise I wouldn't be doing this course. They were fine with it. However, I remain on the email thread for this course and there has been constant emails going round about this, with emails now coming from our senior boss. I messaged my line manager yesterday asking to be taken out the email thread. He immediately called me. I get on well with my line manager, however, they are a very cold person with zero emotional intelligence. They called me to say yes of course, they will ensure I am removed from the email thread and then started chatting about the course, suicide, their own experience etc. this would not be typical of my line manager and I feel like they have phoned me to ensure I am not suicidal (I am not) and that they have called me as they were concerned I was triggered by the mention of this course. It is not really that that I am triggered by.
I am struggling to verbalise how this is effecting me. I don't feel triggered about suicide discussions as it is common. I feel triggered, maybe embarrassed? That I look like I need special treatment and that my boss phoned me about it? I never draw attention to what has happened to me and I never use it as an excuse. To look at me, you would think I had a good life (clearly I don't!)
My line manager has now advised senior manager that 'due to personal circumstances' I won't be doing this training. This has made me feel even worse as now they will be wondering what those personal circumstances are and it is drawing attention to my situation.
Apologies for the massive brain dump but writing it out has actually helped me. It is the drawing attention to me and my situation that is triggering me. The reason I moved away when my first husband died was because I could not deal with the constant attention due to his suicide. My whole life became about my husbands suicide and now I feel that attention is back on me for this reason.
For clarity, I am not in a healthcare role or any traditional role that would require this sort of training for me to do my job.
I am also not a quiet, shy person who struggles with attention so it isn't that I am an introvert and struggling because there is now attention on me, it's just this particular area of my life.
My head feels so scrambled with it all.
After losing my first husband at 34, I moved city and started a new job, met (now passed away) partner. Have really excelled at work and love my job. I am now 42.
Some colleagues know about partner passing away but the majority of people don't know about my first husband. My line manager does. Recently at work, we have had loads of mandatory training courses assigned to us to complete. Fine. The most recent one is a suicide awareness type course. I get it, it's important. However, given my lived experience, I avoid this type of training, plus, this particular training is not standard 'training' it is someone coming in to speak to us about their lived experience of losing someone. I seen the email re the course and messaged my line manager to advise I wouldn't be doing this course. They were fine with it. However, I remain on the email thread for this course and there has been constant emails going round about this, with emails now coming from our senior boss. I messaged my line manager yesterday asking to be taken out the email thread. He immediately called me. I get on well with my line manager, however, they are a very cold person with zero emotional intelligence. They called me to say yes of course, they will ensure I am removed from the email thread and then started chatting about the course, suicide, their own experience etc. this would not be typical of my line manager and I feel like they have phoned me to ensure I am not suicidal (I am not) and that they have called me as they were concerned I was triggered by the mention of this course. It is not really that that I am triggered by.
I am struggling to verbalise how this is effecting me. I don't feel triggered about suicide discussions as it is common. I feel triggered, maybe embarrassed? That I look like I need special treatment and that my boss phoned me about it? I never draw attention to what has happened to me and I never use it as an excuse. To look at me, you would think I had a good life (clearly I don't!)
My line manager has now advised senior manager that 'due to personal circumstances' I won't be doing this training. This has made me feel even worse as now they will be wondering what those personal circumstances are and it is drawing attention to my situation.
Apologies for the massive brain dump but writing it out has actually helped me. It is the drawing attention to me and my situation that is triggering me. The reason I moved away when my first husband died was because I could not deal with the constant attention due to his suicide. My whole life became about my husbands suicide and now I feel that attention is back on me for this reason.
For clarity, I am not in a healthcare role or any traditional role that would require this sort of training for me to do my job.
I am also not a quiet, shy person who struggles with attention so it isn't that I am an introvert and struggling because there is now attention on me, it's just this particular area of my life.
My head feels so scrambled with it all.
Eureka
VIP Member
Morning everyone. Having a difficult day. My husband was rushed to hospital yesterday, he has suffered a stroke and its going to be a long road ahead for him. Its just me and my son at home because we were going to have a quiet family Christmas. I am ok but my heart is breaking for my son, he's 16. I hope everyone is managing the day as best they can, I am keeping you in my thoughts.
charlied0106
VIP Member
Just popping into wish you all a really lovely day doing whatever it is you need to get through it 
Some of you may remember I lost my mum in February, pretty traumatically, so it is just me today, and my cat of course. I had hoped I would have had my response back from the hospital regarding the negligence case, but have not heard anything from them yet. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But anyway, I am now going to go and help my cat open his presents yyes I did wrap them lol) sending love to you all
Some of you may remember I lost my mum in February, pretty traumatically, so it is just me today, and my cat of course. I had hoped I would have had my response back from the hospital regarding the negligence case, but have not heard anything from them yet. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But anyway, I am now going to go and help my cat open his presents yyes I did wrap them lol) sending love to you all
charlied0106
VIP Member
My mum has hours to live. I'm not sure how I'll cope when she's gone 
seriously struggling!Smell_my_cheese
Chatty Member
Hi everyone, I’ve just found this thread after another early wake up.
I’m not really coping very well at the moment. I’m due in court soon to try and sort out the finances in a very long ongoing messy divorce. My ex is controlling and has made life very difficult over the years.
I also have two children, both are autistic but my eldest in particular displays very challenging behaviour and I’ve come to realise I’m permanently in fight or flight mode.
I’m also a teacher and really struggling more than ever with the demands that the job brings.
I’m always worrying, always anxious. Im permanently having to stay calm and attempt to be regulated in order to try and regulate for my children (both my own and those in my class). I’m always thinking about work or having to email my solicitor, or my eldest’s school. There are always meetings I have to remember to attend for all three issues. I am exhausted and so miserable. I don’t see there’s any joy in life and it doesn’t feel like it will ever get any better.
Just writing it all down here because I feel so lonely. I have some friends but sympathy can only extend so far and none of them are single. No one really quite understands and when I spoke to a good friend about how low I felt, she thought the answer was just to send funny memes which somehow just made me feel even worse despite her good intentions. I often try to think of how I can injure myself in order to just have a bit of a break.
Maybe writing it all down will help. Sending good thoughts to all others on this thread going through their own struggles x
I’m not really coping very well at the moment. I’m due in court soon to try and sort out the finances in a very long ongoing messy divorce. My ex is controlling and has made life very difficult over the years.
I also have two children, both are autistic but my eldest in particular displays very challenging behaviour and I’ve come to realise I’m permanently in fight or flight mode.
I’m also a teacher and really struggling more than ever with the demands that the job brings.
I’m always worrying, always anxious. Im permanently having to stay calm and attempt to be regulated in order to try and regulate for my children (both my own and those in my class). I’m always thinking about work or having to email my solicitor, or my eldest’s school. There are always meetings I have to remember to attend for all three issues. I am exhausted and so miserable. I don’t see there’s any joy in life and it doesn’t feel like it will ever get any better.
Just writing it all down here because I feel so lonely. I have some friends but sympathy can only extend so far and none of them are single. No one really quite understands and when I spoke to a good friend about how low I felt, she thought the answer was just to send funny memes which somehow just made me feel even worse despite her good intentions. I often try to think of how I can injure myself in order to just have a bit of a break.
Maybe writing it all down will help. Sending good thoughts to all others on this thread going through their own struggles x
Okivia2020
VIP Member
I echo everyone saying about needing their mum and dad. My mum died this year after two years of battling terminal cancer and I’m 36 and need her to support me more than ever. It never goes away. I’m also exhausted from it all. I hope everyone’s ok First time on this thread but the Christmas period has been difficult for me too. The fact that everyone is talking and sharing shows we are going to be ok as we are acknowledging that we are fighters 🫶
First time on this thread but the Christmas period has been difficult for me too. The fact that everyone is talking and sharing shows we are going to be ok as we are acknowledging that we are fighters 🫶charlied0106
VIP Member
Thank you, you're all so kind 
she died on Thursday morning and I'm just so sad, but so angry too. It shouldn't have happened. I truly believe the hospital were negligent. I'm pretty much on my own now, my sister died last year, and my step dad has his daughter (my step sister), my mum was all I had really. No partner, no kids. I feel very alone in the world.
I've registered her death and now need to start organising her funeral, but I feel out of my depth. I've never experienced heartbreak like this and I genuinely don't know how to just carry on. It's so hard.
she died on Thursday morning and I'm just so sad, but so angry too. It shouldn't have happened. I truly believe the hospital were negligent. I'm pretty much on my own now, my sister died last year, and my step dad has his daughter (my step sister), my mum was all I had really. No partner, no kids. I feel very alone in the world. I've registered her death and now need to start organising her funeral, but I feel out of my depth. I've never experienced heartbreak like this and I genuinely don't know how to just carry on. It's so hard.
HankMcPrank
VIP Member
My beautiful son has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Wilms tumour cancer. He is 15 & weeks can’t believe it, he had stage 2 cancer last year & his kidney removed. January his X-ray confirmed tumour had gone & he rang the cancer free bell with pride. Last week his 3 month post cancer check up confirmed he had two tumours in his lungs, following a CT scan this week & results have confirmed the tumour is in both sides of his chest near his heart as well as near the kidney site where his kidney was removed.
To say we are gutted is an understatement. He is being so brave but I am broken inside. They have said it’s curable which is keeping us both going but oh gosh, why my poor son?
Chemo and radiotherapy has been confirmed but surgery is a no go as it’s too close to his heart and main arteries which is too dangerous.
I am also pregnant so it’s bittersweet, I’m carrying a baby I’ve wanted for years after infertility but I’m now going to witness my beautiful son go through harsh treatment to combat the cancer.
To say we are gutted is an understatement. He is being so brave but I am broken inside. They have said it’s curable which is keeping us both going but oh gosh, why my poor son?
Chemo and radiotherapy has been confirmed but surgery is a no go as it’s too close to his heart and main arteries which is too dangerous.
I am also pregnant so it’s bittersweet, I’m carrying a baby I’ve wanted for years after infertility but I’m now going to witness my beautiful son go through harsh treatment to combat the cancer.
Eureka
VIP Member
OK, my husband has been in hospital since Christmas. He's got along way to go but is stable for now and is ready to leave ICU. It's funny how things like this that were never on your radar suddenly become hugely significant. I am going back to work next week and looking forward to some normality. Its still not easy but I am a strong person and I know I will be ok.
Smell_my_cheese
Chatty Member
I have today decided to remove myself from the family WhatsApp group. My siblings have been excluding me from things for several years now which I’ve accepted for the sake of the relationship my children have with their cousins. However, I’ve recently discovered that they meet up without us and I just don’t want to feel hated and inadequate any more. I certainly don’t want my children growing up feeling how I’ve been made to feel.
I’ve tried my hardest over the years to be a good sister. I’ve people pleased to the point where I’ve just been walked over.
Reading similar posts today, just wanted to say I’m sorry to those going through similar. It really hurts.
Happy Easter to you all - I hope there’s been lots of chocolate and doing things that make you happy.
I’ve tried my hardest over the years to be a good sister. I’ve people pleased to the point where I’ve just been walked over.
Reading similar posts today, just wanted to say I’m sorry to those going through similar. It really hurts.
Happy Easter to you all - I hope there’s been lots of chocolate and doing things that make you happy.
So tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I was
- and this is the first year since, that I've been able to talk about it properly as I reported it back in 2021 and the trial was in February this year, and got a conviction. There's an article written by one of the court journalists - I'm not named, but he is.
April is
Awareness Month and part of me wants to share this article.
Please help persuade me, logically this isn't a good idea! I've had some wine and know that is part of it, and I don't know what I'm hoping to get from sharing it.
raped by my best friend
April is
Sexual Assault
Please help persuade me, logically this isn't a good idea! I've had some wine and know that is part of it, and I don't know what I'm hoping to get from sharing it.
I posted elsewhere but my partner left me unexpectedly almost 2 weeks ago now, told me he couldn't do it anymore packed up his things and left. we've had no contact since and at the moment every day just feels worse, every day someone tells me time is a healer and rationally I know this but I am so deep in the grief stage and being unable to accept the person I love so much doesn't want me. Anyway, i took some time off work last week but I am back today and I have so much to do and things that need me to be sharp and assertive but I can't concentrate on anything and am feeling very overwhelmed
SaltandPepperChicken
VIP Member
I am struggling big time. This is a copy paste sorrybx
On Sunday last week I tried to end my life. I’m back home now obviously and my head is more fucked than ever after speaking to MH. They said my marriage shows signs of emotional and coercive abuse and they are sending people for home visits every 3 days until I can get better mentally supported.
I told him this and he went to the pub after dropping me at home.
Gardening and cooking keeps me going. Recently I cook and seed more than I will ever need so I’ll be handing stuff over.
He’s just broken. He is still there underneath but getting made redundant plus my injures got too much for himself that’s sent I’ve wanted to talk. To have someone that knows us both to help my brain to process.
I appreciate this is a lot, and of course back out if you need to.
On Sunday last week I tried to end my life. I’m back home now obviously and my head is more fucked than ever after speaking to MH. They said my marriage shows signs of emotional and coercive abuse and they are sending people for home visits every 3 days until I can get better mentally supported.
I told him this and he went to the pub after dropping me at home.
Gardening and cooking keeps me going. Recently I cook and seed more than I will ever need so I’ll be handing stuff over.
He’s just broken. He is still there underneath but getting made redundant plus my injures got too much for himself that’s sent I’ve wanted to talk. To have someone that knows us both to help my brain to process.
I appreciate this is a lot, and of course back out if you need to.